I have posted here about my unfaithful boyfriend whom I have left about one week ago - I moved out the home we shared for one year - we have been together 2 and a half years. I left him because he is not faithful - he always dates women through the internet and have take them to love mortel or even to our home for sex. I gave him three chances but I finally decided to leave him when I found out he cheated again after the third forgiveness I gave him. He thinks he is not married to me so it is UNREASOBALE for him to be 100% faithful to me while he claims he is already 97% faithful for me - he thinks I should be satisfied !! LOL !!!! <P>The thing I feel confused is: he keeps contact with me since I asked for separation and moved out - he asks me for lunch and dinner (though not everyday)... when he sees me neither of us mention anything about our separation or our problems - just acted exactly nothing happened and talked nicely and friendly (he still holds my hands and gives kisses on my hair...etc - as affectionate as those when I was living with him. <P>To be honest I still loves this guy although I moved out (I cannot survive in an environment that he always have contact with many women behind me - I think I am going crazy if I still live with him in a same room and know that he has contact with women on the internet... and I feel terribly stressful whenever I go to my parents home (so far away from our home) because he MUST take this advantage to go out to meet his internet women or bring them home... I was very unhappy in this relationship - I even refused sex with him - I don't want the relationship is so worse and stiff while still living in a same room - so I decided to move out and have no physical intimate contact with - that makes me a lot more comfortable. <P>What I mean is: I feel OK to go out to have lunch/drinks with him sometimes - have a chat sometimes... as long as I don't have intimacy with him, I feel fine. <P>And he has a little daughter (7 years old) and I get along very well with her - she sees me a a half-mummy - since the separation, he always tells me that his daughter really loves to me and ask me to spend two hours with her every Friday... (I believe she wants to see me - but on the other hand, if HE does not want to have contact with me - he can just tell his daughter "NO" - she is too small to insist on anything that her parents do not allow) So does he using his daughter as an excuse ? (He knows I love this little girl very much)<P>What is he thinking ? Is he still trying to keep contact me and hope one day we can reconcile ? Or is he very lonely ? He can have so many women to call up (in one year, as far as I know, he has slept with 8 women - maybe more than 8 but I don't know) - and I am sure he is still sleeping with women after I left. But do you think I just should not see this guy anymore ? In my heart, very contradictory, on one hand I do really one day he can be faithful - no more sex fun with women then we have be happy together (we are really happy together on every aspects except his womanizing); but on the other hand I know he WON"T stop his nasty habit and I cannot change my moral standard to accept such 'womanizer'. <P>Any opinion if I say I want to keep contact with him as a friend ? I don't mind if I don't see him, but when he calls, I do not want to say "NO". Anybody can tell me am I doing a right thing ? <vicky>

vicky,<P>You're not alone on this one. Many women, have had this happen to them... and universally the concensus has been...<P>...to get out of this relationship.<P>There is no marital commitment here!<BR>Your BF has no desire to change!... and has no motivation to do so!<P>Your in Hong Kong... there is a great multitude of people there... and I'm sure you can find a much better... healthier... saner... man, than your BF.<P>Stay at this forum...<BR>Learn about what a "good" relationship needs...<BR>and use that to find a "good" man.<P> <P>Jim

Vicky,<P>I don't know your age, nor his but, well frankly both of you seem immature to me. I don't mean that has a put down, just that you haven't experienced much adult life yet. My guess is maybe 20 or so, give or take a couple of years, am I close.<P>Here' my take, stay away until he demonstrate his love for you by being faithful. The people who post in here are trying to save their marriage. I understand that you may look at your relationship as a marriage, given the time you've spent together. But believe me, if my age guess is at all close, you have a lot of living to do, you wouldn't want to choose a life of hardship intentionally. Given that you are not married, I would suggest that you stay at your own place. He needs to treat you with respect, if he is not capable of that while courting you, without sex, then he is not going to be able to that being married to you. <P>You might want to read Ephesians 5:25-33 to see the example that God places before us of a marriage relationship. Then it might be good for you to read John 15:16 as well as Ephesians 1:5 and think about what you believe you are worth. Do you deserve someone who will only give you 97%. While you still have a choice, choose wisely.<P>God bless you<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Thanks Jim & Rependting. <BR>I am 25 and my boyfriend is almost 42 - he just divorced his wife and is fighting for the custody of their daughter. He has been cheating on his wife in the past 8 years - he has a history of cheating. It sounds that I am the biggest fool to move in with him with a thought that he would stop his long-term nasty behaviour FOR ME !!! <P>I know very firm that I would not have any intimacy with him (I did it before after the time I moved out - now it is the second time - I felt very very sad and depressed afterwards, I know I won't walk on the same path again). I have enough treatment from this man. But as I say, I feel as comfortable to see him for lunch/drinks as I see my other good friends... Is it normal or am I getting myself into a 'risk' ? <P>He just called and asked me if I come over to see his daughter tonight and he claims that she really loves to see me... Then I said, "Yes, all right, I will be there". And the other day, he told me he is going t take his daughter to Macau at Easter and asked me to join them together. Then I said, "Well, see if I have a holiday". I wonder why does he still ask me to have a holiday with him ? What does he wants ? Is it a healthy way to keep contact with him - while no intimate contact, as a friend ? Or you think it is impossible ? I am really getting confused now. <Vicky> <BR>

Vicky,<P>I know you do not want to hear this, but get out!<P>He is suffering a big time mid life crisis, and I also think he is just a not someone who wants to commit to one person.<P>Don't you think you deserve better?<P>Go on with your life and find yourself soemone closer to your age. You can love and grow together. This guy will be kicking himself in a few years when he is 50 years old, has no love in his life, and will become a bitter, old man.<P>Quite honestly, he needs help, and why should you be the one to go through this with him?<P>I know it does not feel like it now, but you really do have so much living to do. Chaulk this up to an early and very valuable lesson on your way to a great realtionship.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JJ<P>

He ACTS younger than you as far as maturity goes. This man is not going to commit to only you AND YOU KNOW THIS. Yes it sucks to love someone who so blatantly does not know what love is and this man does not. He loves himself and what he can get for the moment. Moments are all this man can give. HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. You can't blame him for everything, because he has told you that he isn't going to be faithful to someone he is not married too, POINT BLANK. And obviously, marriage doesn't keep him faithful either since he cheated on his wife. You need to take a look at yourself and what motivates you to stay or go back to such degrading behavior and HE IS IS DEGRADING YOU and what love you had for him. Seek help to better understand YOU, stop trying to understand HIM. He is on another level and that is where he choses to be.

What does he want? HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO! You deserve better. He has cheated on his wife ,he has cheated on you.Do not waste your time! There are too many good men out there to waste your time, feelings and self esteem on a loser. Obviously he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behavior. Trying to convince him,at his age, is hopeless AND it isn't your job. Run away,don't walk! God bless you honey and good luck!

YES. Thanks trying2_4give, you opened my eyes. And thanks Jersey Joe & mthrrhbard. Yes, I agree, he only loves himself - he loves nobody only himself (though he denies it). I think I can see this relationship and myself clearer and clearer - he is too 'old' to be corrected - I always believe it. And what I should do at the moment is to give myself a better life - while I have been staying in such unhealthy & unfaithful relationship for 2 years - I have no ties with him - I can walk out much easier than many other women in this group who are married to their unfaithful husband. Yes, I believe he is going to be faithful to anyone. I should be glad that I am not married to him. <P>Yes, I agree with Jersey Joe - he will have no love in his life, and will become a bitter old man (I am not giving him CURSE but I do believe it if he does not change his attitute towards relationship). And there is not much I can spend time with his daughter as her mother is going to take her back to Switzerland (his ex-wife's hometown) - in other word, he will lose his daughter (except two holiday a year). He always asks, "What have I done to deserve it?" Everytime he asked this question, I just kept silent - what can I say ? I just found hilarious to hear he asked this question. Anyway, I know and I firmly believe I deserve better and I can have a better life without him - it is dead sure. <P>Thanks for all the replies to me - now I am not confused and know what I should do from now on. <Vicky>

Thanks all... but I am going to update the situation with him. I can feel your care for me and I am trying to make senses... I hope you are still listening... As I said, he keeps contacting me, asking me out for lunch/drinks... asking me to come over to his flat (it was OUR home) for a meal...etc. It has been two weeks since I moved out, I feel BETTER and BETTER - it is quite surprising to me as I thought I must be missing him very much. But the fact is : I don't really miss him 'with love' (I only miss the past - just like you recall something like history, something happened before). I have to confess to you that I did go out with him for lunch - and even once I followed him to go back to our home for a meal. I wore trousers (Most of the time I love wearing skirt - but I didn't want to that day). After lunch he asked me to have a cuddle with him in bed (he was very tired that day because he has a 4-hour morning show at a radio), yes, I went to have a cuddle with him (but I was very UNWILLING to do so) I cannot explain to you why I can't say NO, but I just can't at that circumstance. Then he asked me to take off the trousers - at that moment I firmly and strongly said, "NO, NO, I WON'T". Then he did not insist anymore. I feel disgusted... He tried to touch somewhere but I just moved his hands away - I bet he can notice my rejecting behaviour. I was very cold to him although I was with him. <P>The other day he took me home for lunch from office (my office is very close to our home), and just before 10 minutes I was ready to go back to office, he tried to remove my skirt - at that time I was furious as push him away and shouted to him, "Stop it." I was so disgusted by him partly because I hate having any intimatcy with him; and partly because I found out that he is bringing women to our home since I have moved out. I was completely disgusted. Yes, it is my fault - I should not blame him. Anyway, but what I want to say is that the more I contact with him, the more I feel he is disgusting. I think, if I did not have contact with him since I moved out, MAYBE I would miss him dearly. But now, I visited our flat, I found out he brings women to our home for sex (he nearly used up his condoms), he really makes me sick and makes me HATE this man (not really hate as I never have any hatred and anger towards him). I feel all right actually as I just follow my words I did not have any sex wtih him - I know I must regret if I do it. I feel OK anyway. For my case here, I think having contact with him is a gradual step to end this relationship. The first day I saw him after moving out, I was still willing to let him kiss my face; but now, I just turned away my face and showed him a dead fish face - never look at him... Is it a gradual step to kill my love ? Or you think I am just idealistic and still doing something very stupid and unsensible ? I need some opinion. Thanks in advance. <Vicky>