You know, once the downhill slide starts, it just keeps picking up speed. W's sister is still here and W has had some minor problems here and there getting along with her. It will work out in the end, though.<P>W and I have talked a little, and for the most part she does speak truthfully, but as soon as we get to the part about OM telling her he loves her and when did he say it last, the walls go up. She has admitted that he has done this, but gets very, very defensive when I ask when the last time was. This is important to me because she insists they are just friends and they have an "understanding".<P>Well, we got into this conversation last night and it didn't go well. When things calmed down, she said she was going to call OM to make sure he made it home OK in the snow we had last night. It was about midnight and while she was talking, I laid down on the floor in the living room. I slept restlessly and kept waking up from time to time. W thought I was asleep the whole time because of where the conversation with him went. <P>At one point, she said something to him about him "knowing her body pretty well". That was sure a jolt. Later, she said something about leaving and "getting as far away from him as possible". Even later I heard her crying and asking him what was wrong with her. I have ended up feeling pretty hurt by this, because I had been buying into her story that she really did love me, didn't want a divorce and that OM and her were just friends.<P>Guess I was fooled, huh??? This, after over 10 months. It just got worse rather than better over that long period of time. The conversation she had last night tells me I was right that she would be sleeping with him as soon as she moves, even though she kept trying to reasssure me that that wouldn't happen.<P>In our talk last night, she asked me why I couldn't accept what she wanted to do. I really don't know what she is talking about. She wants to move and I have been doing everyhting I can to help. Then she turns around and tells me and other people that I am refusing to accept the fact that she wants to move. Two weeks later she says I'm trying to force her out.<P>Suse was right. She is just trying to get out and let me down easily. I would rather have a short, abrupt exit.<P>I'm just venting here. Don't know why I'm even posting this except to try to get these thoughts down.<P>Bummer, huh??<P><BR>--DeWayne--

As crazy as it sounds she probably does love you and is not lying when she says it.<BR>It sounds as if she is very confused the "what is wrong with me"<BR>The feeling that "I know what I am doing is wrong but how do I stop it?" <BR>Not that this helps any, but probably the only way to keep her is to let her go, as you are doing. Either she will figure it out and come back or not. But at least you will know.<BR>The blaming you is a way, I am guessing, of easing her own guilt and feelings of knowing what she is doing is wrong.<BR>Sorry, I know you were just venting, but wanted to toss in some thoughts as a betrayer.<BR>Hugs and prayers that you find peace soon.<P>Cat

I don't know what to say. I would be equally frustrated in your shoes. I too hate the indirect approach our spouses seem to take. You have to decide if you want to try to do this anymore. 10 months is a long time but think of the payoff. Is it worth it. In your heart do you think there is any chance of making it work.<P>It sound like your wifes not being honest with you to avoid hurting you. My H does the same thing and yet what he does not understand is that he hurts me by being less than honest with me. <P>They deprive us of the information we need to make a good decision about our situration. I think this is in part to prevent them from making a decision for as long as possible.<P>The only advice I have for you is to be sure to take care of yourself now. Do things you like, and do them without her if it makes you feel better.<P>Acacia

DeWayne,<P>Sorry things are going downhill fast. When is she scheduled to move out? Give it a little time. She is commited to moving right now...that is her number one focus..to be on her own. I don't recall that her number one focus is getting a divorce. Once she getson her own, she may possibly find that she mises yougreatly and this is not all she thought it would be (living alone). <P>I agree about letting her go. But in your case... I do not agree that all is necessarily lost. You should better be able to tell once she is gone. If she is truly gone from you....you will know in short order.<P>Wishing you a better day....<P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi D,<P>Ick. Got that queasy feeling again? Tried Immodium AD?<P>Okay, so excuse my mordant humor. I remember very well how awful it feels. Been there. Done that. Lived to recover. You will too.<P>All kidding aside, I'm sorry you're having some "down" times. This is so very tough to go through. Feeling as if a loved-one is slipping away. Feeling helpless. Wondering about one's own inadequacies.<P>Try to keep perspective. I know it's not easy. Cat's right... Suse is right...Desiree's right. We all see that your best option is to allow her to take her own path. You can't prevent it.<P>The best you can do is to be ready for what happens next. Work on "you". And try to keep lines of communication open.<P><P>------------------<BR>I'm just a pilgrim on this road, boy. 'Til I see thee... fare-thee-well. Steve Earle

<B>cat, acacia, desiree and dMac</B> -- Thanks for the kind words, they do help. I accepted a long time ago that if she feels that she has to leave to clear her mind, that I support that. But she won't leave and we end up with all of these issues staying, getting worse and having no resolution.<P><B>Desiree</B> - When is she scheduled to leave? Let's see: Jan 7, Jan 15, Feb 5, Feb 12, Feb 20 and probably more. She is slowly getting there, but at this rate, could be April or May before it happens.<P><B>dMac</B> - Thanks, buddy. You really hit the nail on the head with all of your points. That "queasy" feeling. Yup, it's there alright.<P>Rather than "feeling" a loved-one slipping away, it's "knowing" a loved-one is slipping away. From what I've been able to gather, OM is a big booster of the "moving out". He convinces her that it's the best thing for her then slides in the fact that he will be there for her.(More queasiness).<P>Yup, you, Suse, Desiree and Cat are all right. You guys convinced me of that back in early January, remember? It was a hard pill to swallow, but I did it with your help.<P>I think that once she's gone, keeping the lines of communication open will be the most difficult thing for me, but we'll see.<P>I confronted her yesterday(in a very nice way) about what I had overheard the night before. She tried to blow it off, but it really got to her and I held her for an hour and a half crying session. She spoke again about being confused, she said she feels like she is going crazy. I told her she wasn't going crazy, just had way too much on her plate to deal with and she was trying to take bites that were just too big. I really could help her a bit if she would let me, but I guess that is OM's job.<P>Her sister and I were talking prior to that and I was telling her just a little about how I feel(don't want her to get too much of that, I want her to be there for W) and out of the blue she asked me if I would go to Al-Anon. It really took me aback and I asked why. It turns out that she and their mother think W may be alcoholic. I asked if either of them had confronted W and she said "No". But she did ask wife about one of her crying jags this week as to whether it might have been due to "hangover". W said she didn't know but it could be possible. I know that when she's drinking that's when she is more receptive to OM's phone "sex" discussions.<P> Anyway, more on this later when I have more time.<P>Guys, thanks for being here for me, I do appreciate it so much.....<P>--DeWayne--

Hi DeWayne,<P>I loved DMac's post, and agree with it totally!<P>The only thing I'd like to add... if I may...<P>Your W may indeed have a prob with alcohol, but the crying jags could be that she really is just confused and hurting. I rarely drink (although WilliamJ told me that my Nyquil is 100 proof!) and I spend more days and nights crying than I'd like. If you asked David, he'd tell you that I'm just like your W without the OM... I really am just very hurt and confused, and cry all the ding-dong time! <P>So, yes, the circumstances may be different, since she has her OM, and David has his OW, but the confusion does still reign... <P>You're doing the right thing in letting her go, and you may see her fall hard before she gets back up... remember that!

<B>Sheryl</B> -- Hiya...back from the "bowels of lurkdom" I see. Yah, all of the crying may be from the confusion, but she doesn't seem to want to do what is necessary to pull out of it. Y'all are right, it's her problem to deal with.<P>What her sister was getting at is that the crying is always at the end of a hangover and that the two may be related.<P>Her sister also just told me that she told W that she(W) is just "dangling me on a string". Interesting....<P>Yeah, Sheryl, I know about letting her go. It might be easier for me if she just hurried up and left. I don't know, but I will soon see.<P>Luv ya, gal and big hugs to ya...<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>Sorry to hear about your pain. But I am living proof you can survive this !!<P>I think my x was using alcohol a good bit over the past year. She would always come home from work and a have a drink or two. She told me that was why she stopped getting up in the mornings with the kids. I also noticed that she is a lot like her father in that she opens up to people when she has been drinking. I wonder if she is still drinking. I thought I smelled alcohol a couple times on her when she was her, but I am no sure and am no longer responsible.<P>I too overheard a conversation my then w had with om and she kiddingly said she loved him for his body. Ouch, I quit eavesdropping after that.<P><BR>Hang in there buddy, you can get through this.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

DeWayne,<P>Hmmm, it's kind of hard giving advice when I feel like giving up myself. However like I always say, you have to decide for YOURSELF what is best for you. I know you feel like your being dragged along and to and extent you are. But if you haven't reached your limit, hang in there friend. Hang in there for as long as you can. You don't want to walk away with any regrets and wonder IF. (gosh who am I talking to here, you or me).<P>I can imagine how it felt to hear her talking to OM. Though, my H hasn't had OW that I know of. I heard him telling a friend (friend was telling him to stick out marriage) that he couldn't make himself feel something that he didn't. OUCH!! <P>I know you must be hurting and I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Keep on keeping on. You can make it through this.<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

<B>Bob</B> - Good to hear from you, my friend. I want you to know that I <B>have</B> been keeping up with you, just haven't always replied to your posts. I am paying attention to how you are handling things so I have a role model to follow when it finally becomes necessary.<P>I didn't eavesdrop intentionally. I had laid down on the floor in the living room, because her original intention was to give him a quick call and then come back in. Even though what I was hearing was disturbing, I was too tired to even move to get up and go to bed. Guess I'm paying for that now.<P><BR><B>jamie-lee</B> - You are so right. In fact, I have given others that same advice, realizing all along that it's hard to follow. But I will, don't worry. You just remember your own advice and take it too, okay?? LOL!!