PurpleMag ~ Thanks much for the positive supportive post. I had stopped coming here after seeing a couple of posts calling the OW a wh*re and an entire thread dedicated to "what I'd like to do to the OP" but as soon as I stopped, I started backsliding... accepting his phone calls, replying to his emails but then I got a "wake-up call" (email) from a poster here and it kinda whipped me back into shape again. So now I am back trying really hard. Reading those posts made me feel like "hey, if the shoe fits!!" and I started only thinking about my self and what MY needs were and what I wanted....which is the MM but as I said, I'm back to trying to do what is right again. It's soooo hard but doable. Thanks again so much for checking in. It means alot to me. This is too huge to try to handle on my own. <P><BR>MzPEN ~ I would be willing to bet you are right about their situation being similar to yours. He does stay at the office (even tho there is no need) for 10 hours most days. She is so out of touch with his life that it doesn't even seem odd to her that he's there so much. She does know that something's not right as is evident by the letter she wrote him asking for an end to the several month freeze that they were in. It was actually a really nice letter and I begged him to write her back (that was her request) but he said he didn't feel the desire to work on his marriage any longer.....just there because of the kids, blah, blah, blah (this was before we ever got together, btw). I know it is not my responsibility to help him fix his marriage and I am not going to try any longer.....I just wanted at least SOMETHING good to come out of this since there is soooo much pain and despair. Does that make sense???? Anyway, thanks for taking the time to write and send your encouragement! It is very much appreciated!!!<BR>

Azhootie:<P>Phew! I'm so glad you aren't angry at me for my earlier post. I know it was harsh, and that was a couple of weeks ago - only 3 weeks after dday for myself.<P>I'm glad you came back to the boards. Actually I'm very glad. The valient effort you are making is wonderful. I applaud your every effort!<P>I had to respond to that one thread "Are all other OP pieces of trash". I wrote in there that I didn't think my H's OW was trash, rather I thought she was a freak. In the beginning of your thread you talked about telling MM's W. And I said that wouldn't be a good idea.<P>I received an "anonymous" letter in the mail stating that my H was "fooling around" with this person's W. After everything was out in the open, we found out that it was SHE that actually wrote the letter. So, to this, I think she's more of a coward (nah, still a freak ) than anything - this all came about after my H tried to break it off with her, because he realized she was goofy.<P>The affair only lasted a couple of months, and they only slept together once.<P>Anyway, if she hadn't done that? My H would not be a RECOVERING alcoholic now (5 1/2 weeks into sobriety) and I also wouldn't be experiencing the best relationship of my life.<P>So, to an extent, I thank her. But by no means can I forgive her. She is married too, with 4 kids! Anyway, she persued him relentlessly, and that's the part I can't forgive (plus this is not her first offense). I forgive my H because he truly did try to end it with her and see the errs of his ways. <BR>So thank you for coming back. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. You'll get through it. Like you said, it's hard to go through something like this alone, but you're not! You have us!<P>If you ever want to email me, I'd love to hear from you. purplemag@aol.com<P>Support, support, support for Azhootie!!!!<BR> <BR>--purplemag (Dana)

PurpleMag ~ No probs. I didn't expect to be welcomed here with open arms. I know that it's people similar to me who cause so much of the pain in other's lives. Having said that, I don't think I'm any worse (no better either!!) than the betraying spouse. As people have mentioned it's often times easier to blame the OP and forgive the spouse (and understandably so!!) I personally went the other way. To this day (and it's been 6 years since my divorce) I am nicer to the OW than I am to my xH. I am glad she took him off my hands! *LOL* I place 99% of the blame on him for breaking his vows and basically sh*tting on me and his children. She just made the mistake (like me) of falling in love with the wrong guy. At first I was rude and ugly to her, called her a tramp, wouldn't let her in my home, etc. but then decided that I needed to act at least 1/2 way decent to her since she ended up marrying him and would be spending time with my kids. Now I see that she is an alright person........young (12 years younger than my xH) but alright! <P>I tell ya what's frustrating though. Here I am doing my part in saving a marriage by leaving the MM when I am DESPERATELY in love with him and seeing others who have the power to salvage their own marriages and choose not to. I just want to scream "wake up!!! don't you see what you are doing/losing?????" <P>Back to work for me. Thanks for such a nice message. I know it's probably hard to feel any kind of empathy for an OW. What a super person you are!

AZ,<BR>I read this and saw where the thread about what you would like to do to the OP upset you and almost caused you to leave. I posted in that thread but it was only about the OP in my situation. It wasn't a generalization. And if there had been a thread about what I wanted to do to my H, you can bet I would have posted there too!! I blame both of them. <BR>I'm glad you decided to stick around. No one here posts to intentionally hurt another board member. They do it to vent. Please don't see it as a personal attack. And stick around! I'm anxious to see how well you do in your recovery!!<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi (and others) Thanks for your posts and concern. I'm afraid I am not doing well in my recovery and no contact rule over the last couple of days. Major backsliding. I miss him soooooo much. To our credit, at least we aren't talking every day, several times a day but I did break down and call him today. And our email, though typically just one line replies back and forth, have increased as well. I have fallen off course but am trying to get back to where I should be again. It truly is difficult. One day I feel on top of the world and am confident it's over, only to find the next day I am weak and sad and longing for him. Pretty please keep me in prayer and try to understand how difficult this is for me.....for us.....because neither of us really wants it to end even though we both know it has to. I wish I wouldn't have taken those "OW bashing" posts personally and stomped off like a whiny baby. Perhaps if I would have stayed, I wouldn't have started backsliding so drastically. I hate myself for it. Thank for all the kind words of encouragement. Please don't give up on me just yet!!!! G'night!

Hi, Az.....<BR>Hang in there girl, it will get easier if you persist. It takes time, a lot of time, tho. I wish that 'our OW' were more like you. She has stated to my H, "I am in a state of Grace and God will bless anything I do." How can she believe something like this? I have always thought that choosing to sin would end a state of Grace. She has such conceit. She tells him that God has chosen him for her and that he is blessing their affair. Sheesh. At least, my H is able to see the fallacy in statements like this. He is backing off more and more from the affair. Now it is EA only, before it was EA & PA.I am hoping that soon he will be able to stop communicating with her at all. I feel that he is getting nearer to that point every day. <P>God bless you, Az. I will be praying for you to have the strength to do what you have to do. Just like I pray for my H and myself to have strength.<P><BR>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.<p>[This message has been edited by nobeswax (edited March 02, 2000).]

Didn't take the time to read all of the responses so this may have already been suggested. <BR>CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO AN UNLISTED ONE.<P>If you truly want to do what is best for this man, get out of the way. Satan is winning in your life cause you are now separated from God. You need to rely only on God to get you through the withdrawal phase that you will go through. Withdrawal is brutal, but God can get you through it. Find a Christian accountability partners. You want to do the right thing. God Bless.<BR>

NOBESWAX: I know it's not funny, but I actually laughed when I read your post! God does NOT chose a married man for someone and he certainly does NOT bless adultery. Such things disgust him!!!! Thank God (literally) that your husband is seeing the light! So far it's been two weeks since we've seen each other and I feel like just as bad today as I did that day. I have had days when I have felt like I could get thru this but others where I just want to give in and run to this man. *heavy sigh* I just pray it DOES get easier with time. Thanks for taking the time to post......I know it's people similar to me who actually cause so much of the pain I see here. Having said that, at least I DO see how wrong my actions are and don't claim to have His blessing! That's ridiculous!!!! Happy Friday! <P>DERBY....he doesn't typically call me at home. It's usually at work. And I have to admit, I am just as bad as he is. I am the one who actually broke down and called the last time. I AM trying to do the right thing and I AM trying to get things right with God again but seem to fail miserably at times. I can go for several days but then the pain of separation becomes unbearable and I slip. Thankfully we live in different states so there's no physical contact. I will keep trying to end the phone contact too. It's just soooo hard.......but not impossible! Thanks for the support!

AZ<BR>I just finished reading this entire thread. I just wanted to shed a little light on the possible misconception you may be having the relationship between your OM and his W. My W in a situation very close to yours except that we have two girls (10 and 15). She moved out 2 months ago (with our girls) and into an apartment a month ago. Before she moved, I called the OM’s wife (for the first time). The OM had told her he had had feelings for my W last July. He told her it was all over then and she has believed it since. He has begged my W back after each time she has tried to end it. He has told my W how miserable his family life was (has three teenage girls and his parents living with them also since last July). The story I got from his W is much much different. He had a period of depression until last July but has improved since. Their sex life has been great. He tells her all the time how much he loves her and would never leave her etc. She told me she wouldn’t mind meeting with her H, my W, and me just to see so she could see him trying to explain the inconsistencies (lies) he has been telling them both. His W was very skeptical that what I was telling her was true and I wished I hadn’t even called – I was telling her stuff she just didn’t want to hear or believe.<P>Last week the OM sent my W a dear John and now my W is devastated. What a mess. Anyway, do believe that Hs and Ws in these situations do lie to everyone.<P>Keep doing your best to be strong.<P>Sailor <BR>

Sailor ~<P>Thanks for your insight. I know that he is at least in part telling the truth because I've seen letters from her to him begging him to try and work things out. I have been with him during MANY, MANY phone conversations and they are just not normal. No laughing, no "I love you's", it's really very sad. You would never have guessed these people have been married for 13 years. They sound more like strangers. It's weird. I do know that their sex life is in the toilet because he is NEVER concerned about um, "marks" left on him after we've been together....he knows she'll never see them any way. I am not trying to justify my actions nor his.....I know what we are doing is terribly wrong. <P>I wrote him a VERY strong "no contact" letter today and emailed it to him. Stating that any contact with me would be reported to her. Will I do it? Nope, I know it is not my place to reveal the affair to her but I think this will ensure that he does not contact me. Now I just have to do my part in not contacting him. Last time I only made it a week before I caved. (he only made it a day but there was no threat in the last no contact letter. Just simply telling him not to call/email me etc.) <P>I have made up my mind that I will not be going to Baltimore. I am going to try with renewed vigor to stay strong and end it for good this time. I must say that I couldn't do this without the help and kindness of folks such as yourself. So for that, thank you!!!!

AZ<BR>It is great that you wrote the letter. Really great! But please don't depend on a threat to avoid contact. Depend on your strength. You may not feel you have much right now but you must both resist contacting him and not respond to his contacts. You know what needs to be done. You are making some good decisions - like not going to Baltimore. You can fight this and rise above it. You have a good head. Even if he has the kind of relationship with his wife that you say, he should have waited till they were divorced. Don't continue a relationship with someone that is based on his having had an affair. You will regret it. There are other guys out there that will give you just as much (or more) than he will but without all the baggag e to have to struggle with. I'll pray for your continued strength. Sailor

Hey Sailor,<P>thanks for checking in. I know I made the right decision in not going to Baltimore but boy were those sure a tough couple of days when I kept thinking about how nice it would be to be there with him. <P>I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Have done some backsliding *bad hootie* but am trying to reward myself when I do the right thing instead of beating myself up for doing the wrong thing. <P>I do hope there is someone out there for me who does not have the "baggage" that you spoke of. I'm looking!!!!<P>Thanks again for encouragement and prayers!!!<P>Judy