I just uncovered an e-mail account my H had set up to communicate with other woman. They seem innocent but are very recent. We had a no contact deal and he told me he was sticking to it.<P>THAT LIAR!!!!!<P>I have really had it. He is out of town and returns Monday. I am considering changing the locks. I can't take this any more. I don't see any other option except divorce. I can't stand being treated this way.<P><BR>ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG!<P>Acacia

NOW ACACIA! you know that you should not make any MAJOR decisions when you are angry. I KNOW, BELIEVE ME WE ALL KNOW the hell you are going through, you probably want to jump on a plane to where he is at and confront him with everything and tell him to KISS YOUR A$$! But, that would be the typical reaction. DO SOMETHING NOT SO TYPICAL. Ask him again (if it's not too late and you have already confronted him then disregard this) if he has had any contact and then hand him the papers CALMLY Do EVERYTHING CALMLY. After that just walk away calmly, don't let him know how angry your are, do just the opposite, act calm. If he tries explaining away, just let him talk, rant or rave, because he will probably try to turn it around that you snuck into his emails. Just let him vent, but DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING. Wait until you can get better adjusted and then decide from there. Either have him write a goodbye letter to her or to you, but you have to decide if you want to PLAN A or PLAN B. Let us know what happened. (YES, I'M NOSY LIKE THAT)!!! = smile

acacia--<P>What do you think about this suggestion: send him an email to the secret account, saying "Hi there, oh husband of mine. I happened across this email account and noticed you've been in contact with OW. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that you would have no more contact with her. In that case, you have broken our agreement. Do we need to renegotiate terms? Please respond. I love you very much." And then see if he sends you a reply.

Hi Acacia,<P>I like what Lucks wrote...<P>Best of luck to you, and count to 1000!!!!!!!<P>take care of you<P>Jo

Whatever you do, it will be significant to the future of your marriage.<P>I like Lucks approach.<P>Contrast greeting your H with an angry outburst and accusations. He will most likely respond defensively and with anger.<P>Confront calmly and you have more options. Calm will by anything but what he would expect and immediately will give you an advantage. There is of course no defense, but you may get a more complete explanation. You may also get a whole lot more remorse and change of heart.<P>Anger will not break the cycle. A carefully planned, calm confrontation may break the cycle...and at the very least, will be more empowering.<P>Give it some thought.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

You are all right. I am so glad he was not home. I though about it some more. Here is what I actually saw. He had 20 messages from her in this account. 19 of them were sent on one day and they were things forwarded from group e-mails. You know joke of the day etc.<P>The last one was a valentine message that I was able to open. It was also a group e-mail. It was an electronic greeting that was forwarded where you type in a few words and a story comes up.<P>Here is the thing I realized. I don't know if he replied to her or not. In fact this message was sent on the 10th and had not been picked up yet. If I ask him, I will never believe what he tells me. So how will I ever know if he is e-mailing her or reading them for sure?<P>In the end, I don't want this kind of marriage. I want to be with someone I can trust. I am just not going to do this much longer.<P>The other e-mails were all sent on 2/8/2000. It would appear that they had been read as they no longer came up under new messages.<P>Even that is a significant breach of trust. <P>So what can I do? I can ask him about it but I don't trust him to tell me the truth. I can e-mail him but he will ignore the e-mail as if the mailboox does not exist. <P>What a guy! Anybody want him? I think he will be free very soon. <P>Acacia

He should tell you he recieves this kind of stuff, but I can see where he could reason this was not contact. It was not personal and he probably did not seek it out.<P>It may be "easier" for him to just recieve them rather requesting that she not send them to him.<P>This is a legtimate issue, but the last straw to break up your family? <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

First, let me tell you all how much your support means to me. LOTS! <P>Second - yes unfortunaly this may just be the thing to break up our marriage(we don't have kids).<P>I should have explained that just after our no-contact agreement she e-mailed a chain mail to our home account. I told my H that this upset me and that I did not want her to contact us in any form. He agreed and sent her back and e-mail asking her to take us off of her address list. Well apparently, this kind of activity is continuing in his "secret e-mail" account.<P>He only seems to recieve e-mails from her in this account and I suspect she is the only one he gave the address to. <P>How much pain can one person take???<P>Not to long ago I noticed the AOL instant messenger on our computer and I began to wonder if he was using it to contact her. He said no. I asked him if he had a separate e-mail account outside of our compuserve account that he used to communicate with her. Again he said no and swore he had no contact with her.<P>Well, apparently he lied about the account. Even if he did not pick up the e-mails (which I suppose is possible)he lied to me about the account.<P>Honesty is one of the things that I told him I need to rebuild our marriage. So he knows what lying to me means to the future of our relationship and yet he continues to do it.<P>How can you build a marriage on a foundation of lies? Why would I believe what ever story he creates to justify this account. There is no justification for this account. And I am sure he will deny ever getting the e-mails. But if he can lie to me about the account, he can certainly lie to me about reading them.<P>So tell me, how can I go on? I want this marriage to work but lets face it, only one of us is working on it and a relationship takes two!<P>I would love any ideas you may have regrading getting to the truth here. <P>Acacia

OK...much clearer picture. I guess I think "everyone" has kids because I do.<P>You are absolutely right about the e-mail..especially if she is the only one that sends things.<P>Kind of weird it is not more personal, though. Could have it been set up when things where going on?<P>Others may disagree, but when there are no kids involved, I think it is a whole different playing field.<P>Don't know how you get the truth out...unless of course you could schedule his wisdom teeth to be removed and quiz him when he is on sodium pen. <P>I hope you can a solution you feel at peace with.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I like the sodium pen idea. Forget the dentist. I'll pull the teath!!!! <P>I hope I can figure out how to get to the truth. Until then I think I will just sit on this information for now.<P>Thanks again for all you help. And yes, with kids, I would definatly stick it out longer.<P>I'll keep you updated. <P>Acacia

How does one uncover a secret e-mail account. I hope I'm getting the truth but sometimes worry?<P>How did this turn out? Hope you are at peace. I admire your courage.<P>

Painbegone,<P>I don't want to post how I did it here but if you post your e-mail where I can reach you I will tell you how I did it.<P>No resolution to this yet but I will let you know. <P>Acacia<P>

Acacia do you know for sure that the email was set up from your home computer? Can you tell if the emails were opened from your computer?<P>Here's what I'm getting to...<P>My family has a "family" email account. We all have the password to enter this account and use it. <P>There is a chance that OW set up the account, sent letters from her original account, then went back to this account and opened them to make it look like your H recieved them. <P>If she is getting desperate to "win" him from you, she may get very devious.<P>H's OW used to set up situations to cause us to problems and naturally she would be there to comfort him with all the "right" answers. When I got wise to her manipulations and didn't fall into the traps so often, then she started LB'ing all over the place. She couldn't handle it when she didn't get everything her way! <P>Send me the info on how to find the secret account please. Keosha99@hotmail.com<P>Keo<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited February 20, 2000).]

People are really going to be sick of hearing from me. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!<P>The 3rd time it was really "over" I found several hidden e-mail accounts. My H is a computer guy so it's easy for him to do this stuff. Unfortunately for him, my nephew came to visit and played with his computer and found all this hidden stuff (even tho he couldn't actually get into it). They were still plotting and playing me for a fool. And all the while insisting that he was not in contact with her. Well, I did ask him about them in a non-threatening way - but it didn't matter because he was just looking for an excuse to leave and used that. I'm filing for D on Tuesday. I still can't help believing what my wonderful dad told me, that once a man makes up his mind no one is going to change it. Sure he went thru all the "motions" of reconciliation, it was more comfortable to be at home where his kids were and less expensive than moving out. But when it came right down to it, all he would tell me about was his damn aching heart and that he only "cared" for me but didn't love me. I deserve better, that's what it boils down to and so do my kids. He's a lousy example for them. I don't interfere with them together but am glad they don't see him hurting me on a regular basis anymore.<P>When I first started here, I used to hate hearing from people that sounded like I do now. All I wanted to hear was there was hope for me. Sometimes that could be as much la-la land as the betrayer is in. I've always been someone who believed that truth was the most important thing, and that means being willing to face it head on too.<P>Coming to terms with reality is hard. If he is doing sneaky things, there is a reason. Mine did the same, passwords etc. He DID NOT WANT TO GIVE HER UP, the end. And all I got was constant lies and deceit. So I gave him up and she can have him. I thought I would be destroyed the night he left us to be with her. It was the first night I slept all the way through until morning, without any medication. It was actually a relief to have the lies gone. I can actually eat again!<P>If it is going to work out it will, you can't force it and wish it to. I hate it like crazy that it's that way. Take care, please, and let God take care of you. He's more capable than your H.<P>Kathy

Thanks for both of your responses.<P>Keosha, I am pretty certain that the account was set up from our home computer. It was set up last March. March 10th to be exact. I did not have confimation of the affair at that time although I suspected.<P>The other thing that makes it highly unlikely that the Valentines day messgae had not been picke up yet. It had been sent on the 10th and I found it on the 18th. If she was doing this she would have opened it up so it appeared to have been read.<P>Hurt bad,<BR> You don't have to appologize for your tone. I can completly understand. I hear ya girl! Not even going to try to ask him about this cause I won't believe what he tells me anyways. If he is in contact with her, that tells me he won't give her up either. Like you, I agree that if this is the case - I deserve more too. In fact we all do.<P>My H and I live apart for 1 month to try to give me time to get over the shock and the anger. Coming home was so hard for me when he was there so this way I could relax for a while. Like you - it was also the first time I could eat and sleep again. <P>Thanks for your comments.<P>Acacia

Please send the way to find secret e-mails to painbgone@hotmail.com. Thanks. I feel like after this I just can't be too careful. Bet ya'll can understand that!!