Hi there, well just as a quick up date we have gone 4 entire days without yelling at each other or provoking each other. He is home and well today for some reason I am having a hard day. I know the OW is out of the office for the next week (called her v-mail) but I happened to download the yahoo instant messanger tonight so that I could chat with my H while he was at work and it automatically logged him in and so I saw all the people he has set up. He told me it was over and that he is working to make this marriage work. He has found a new job and will be quitting this one, the OW works with him. But he won't change his cell phone number, she is still on his friends list on this chat messaging thing. He told me he erased her name from the cell phone, but he has been leaving the phone in the car so as to not have me snooping, he has changed all of his passwords so I do not know them. We have always had the same passwords for everything or at least have told each other. He promised to go to the doctor for his physical problem and hasn't and he promised to make a counseling appt which he hasn't. <BR>So should I ask him about all these passwords he has changed and the fact that she is still around and able to talk to him..and he her...what to do what to do...

Yes,<P>I would definatly ask him. I would aslo ask him to read the "total honesty" policy advocted by Dr. Harly in the Saving an Affair book. He needs to earn your trust back and he can't do it by hiding things from you. If he does not agree, I would be suspicious!<P>[censored] luck. Keep us posted.<P>ACACIA

Hi late night buddy,<P>I hope your getting more sleep now. I am most nights (but not tonight). Having my good and bad days. <P>Now, here's my input on your newest info...<P>I would sure be curious about why the passwords are changed. I would ask him about that in a non-threatening way. Maybe with a statement about trying to use the chat and couldn't get the password to work?<P>Remember, an addiction is hard to break and he needs your support and help. This is not that different from trying to break an addiction to gambleing, drinking, smoking, etc. <P>Hang in there and Plan A right thru it all. <P>I know you can do it! <P>Keo

Thanks Guys I mean Gals...<P>I am having a bad day today, I was happy to see that you guys responded. I just feel that I have tapped out my friends and family that know and I am in such need to talk...<P>I am quite frankly afraid to ask him about any of this, he is so defensive we will just hash it out loudly I am afraid. I just posted again, I think he is still running. He is calling more, telling me loves me once in awhile, kisses once in awhile. I just still feel so bad...I guess I am just being difficult, I should be happy he is getting a new job, it's just this password thing and this chat thing makes me think I am being a big idiot. We know he can live a double life, what's to say he isn't right now and won't keep in contact with her once he changes jobs or find someone else at work that will listen to him go on and on about work. My dear husband doesn't know who he is, he has an identity problem. Thinks he is his job...do you think this is a control thing, he won't make the doctors appt? he won't make the counseling appt, because I have requested of him? how long do I give him...?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I just feel that I have tapped out my friends and family that know and I am in such need to talk...<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Someone is always here for you, don't be afraid to come here as often as you need to talk. <P><BR>Do you still have my email address?<P>Keo<BR>

His defensivness worries me. In a loving way I would ask him for the codes. Of course, I just uncovered an e-mail account my H never told me about. So I may not be the most objective person to respond at the moment.<P>However,I still think that he should be willing to share these with you in light of his past.<P>Good luck.<P>You can always come here to talk. We will be here.<P>Acacia

Thanks for replying. I do feel so needy right now. I am sleeping, eating and feels like barely surviving. <P>He did call he did come home everything is on the surface fine I guess. But why do I feel so empty. No intimate kisses, no intimate discussions. So many people here talk about having sex, I am lucky to get a kiss. It's been so long I am not sure I know how to be intimate with someone. We are sitting on the couch right now. I had to get up. He is reading a magazine that is work related. Our conversations are about work or the primaries that are happening around the country. Else we are parked in front of the TV. I have us eat at the table but he is a very fast eater so I have learned and he is up and doing dishes...I feel so insignificant. Like he is just doing the motions. And I am afraid of LBing if I mention it to him. I am so sad...why did he come home if this is what he is willing to give, why change jobs...this makes me wonder if he is having contact with her. and the passwords are all changed...and I am afraid to mention it since he is so defensive. the job change seems to be so key to him in proving his committment to our marriage...it just isn't enough for me...is this normal...or am i being paranoid and impatient?

Chris,<P>Maybe you need to shake him up a little to get some action between the two of you. What do you think of this idea?<P>While he’s at work pack a blanket and whatever you want in the car trunk. When he gets home give him some time to relax and unwind from work. Then tell him you need him to go somewhere with you, if he asks where, either be evasive or tell him your plan.<P>Have a place picked that you can drive to and set up the blanket, maybe some wine, and snacks.<P>Plan it well... have something very sexy on under a loose dress that’s easy to remove (or a raincoat?).<P>I did something like this and my H loved it! I drove out to the spot I had picked and then called him on the cell phone and told him I needed him to drive out to where I was. I had it all set up before he arrived. I thought I’d be lucky to keep him interested for 10 minutes, we spent 5 hours out there! It’s one of the best memories we have. We walked in the woods, talked of our future plans and dreams, I think it made us both feel closer than we have in years. <P>I’m now searching for a cave for our next rendezvous. Late at night with a small fire burning.... <P>Keo

Dear Keo, <BR>I appreciate your advice and idea about taking an initiative to reburn the love flame with your husband. it usually works and can keep our man close to us. I did it before and yes, it works. He gets closer and more affectionate to me after his 'cheating'. But my problem is: While I am trying hard to give him the best of myself, he is still having intimate contact with other women... I would just think WHY SHOULD I ? I would just think I am so cheap - I am just like one of his women to let him do it... what the difference between me and his other women ? He said there is different as he claims he has 'love' with me while he has no love with other women. How can we accept such 'explanation'? <BR>So finally I refused having sex with him because I would feel 'cheap' and depressed afterwards. I believe, we women all want to give our husband the best we can, however, if giving him something would make ourselves feel very 'cheap' and 'dirty', how can we overcome this feeling ? Is stopping sex with him a good way ? The point is: you stop sex with him will only worsen the relationship - he will even go out more often to have sex with other women as an excuse that he needs it...? Would it happen ? But shall we women just acts as a cake and let him eat its cake ? <Vicky>

Vicky, I think the theory is that if he gets full on cake at home then he won't be hungry when he's not home. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>shall we women just acts as a cake and let him eat its cake ? <Vicky></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's easy to talk "theory", but very hard to act on it and work in the real world.<P>BUT, if we don't try, we'll never know if we threw away the chance to get our slice of the "cake".<P>I've read a lot of books filled with theories about relationships. They all basicly say the same thing. "Women set the mood in the home". <P>To me this means we have the power to make or break our men. We make mistakes and they make mistakes. One half of the couple has got to be the one to initiate the trip to recovery. If he isn't going to start the healing of our marriage, then I will.<P>Yes, sometimes (usually) the woman has to swallow her pride to get the marriage back on track. But think about the rewards you'll recieve in return. You just have to decide if you want the rewards enough to work for them.<P>Just my 2 cents worth...<P>Keo<BR>

Thanks Keo and vicky<P>I appreciate you hanging in here with me. Yesterday was a real bad day for me. But I must say I said nothing and just got through it. I of course fell asleep on the couch. Watching TV just makes me zone out...and he doesn't like to watch TV with the lights on so I can't read, although I fall asleep then too. He is off today to some trade show, working all day and dinner with a client tonight. I don't feel as paranoid today, you had a great idea about the romantic get away, but since he won't fix his physical problem I am afraid that he just won't go for it and will be weird once I got him out there (plus it's been raining) I just can't handle the rejection I put on a slinky outfit (I own only one, and never wear it, thinking this might intice him, flat out rejection). It's been so long since he touched me or opened up to me without me threatening to divorce him and then it seems it is only short lived. I guess my rambling has formulated the question...if he really wants this marriage, why won't he go to the doctor to fix his physical problem, why won't he just humor me and make the counseling appointment. I feel that I am dealing with a child in the fact he is being stubborn because I have asked it and he is going to show me...he is the one that came home and said he would do anything...and now he isn't...I ask these questions to you because I am afraid to ask him, he will only shut down more and then part of me says then he truly isn't willing to work on the marriage if this is how he is going to react. I don't see us getting better without counseling and him getting himself squared away physically. Am I crazy for feeling so hopeless about this?

No you're not crazy, but sometimes it feels that way. How can it not feel crazy when our spouses are acting like they are crazy and trying to make it our fault? <P>I don't know what to tell you about him dragging his feet on making the appointments. <P>If you make the calls for him it's LB'ing. <BR>If you ignore it, you are at a standstill.<P>Someone has to do something, but I don't know who or what <P>Maybe someone has had that experience and can tell you how they handled it.<P>How about it everyone? <P>Keo