And I thought I had it all together- but I broke my no contact agreement and saw OP the other day. And I guess she and I both simply agreed that we both feel the same way but that we are both stinkin' cowards with regards to doing anything about it. And although we only had a conversation- I came home and realized that I am still as screwed up as I ever was. I am so confused because even since that time spent with her- I still have had incredible moments with my H- full of love and passion and a belief that he really is the one for me. But I can't get her out of my mind- and I keep saying to myself: how can I really love my H if I broke our agreement? How do I work thru all this when I am incapable of being honest- and my H does not have all my heart? <BR>SO- the sh.. hit the fan today when this morning OP called- hung right up because H answered and my H traced the call back. The # was unfamiliar to him but he researched it further and found that it was OP calling from one of her client's homes. So, now H is freaking out that she has tried to make contact with me- not knowing that I initiated the contact a few days ago. As usual- I tell him the truth now.......and he is totally blown away by me and made me tell our 8 year old daughter what is going on- then he packed a bag and left in the snowstorm. Can someone help me? Why can't I decide what it is I want??????????/

Hey Spooknook,<P>Sorry about your bad night. Don't know that I can help much but I'll try...<BR>I thank you for your honesty and am glad to hear that you got honest with your H, that must have been hard as hell to do and I admire you for doing so...<P>You are not a bad person, I believe you are caught in the grips of a destructive force that you can't let go of...<P>It sounds as if you want to keep your marriage. If so I believe you are in for a rough ride. Though I don't pretend to understand exactly what you are going through, I think I have an Idea. I know what its like to be addicted to something. Thats what your EMA is, an addiction. The following are exerprts from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. I hope they can put things into perspective for you.<P><BR> How should affairs end?<BR>Total separation - The right way to end and affair<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over (letter on page 58-59)<BR>Extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs. (page 60 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A secret life depends not only on hidden time, but also on hidden money. (page 62 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>When there's less emotional attachment<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. (page 65 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(6) - Preparing for marital recovery<BR>Getting through withdrawal<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended. (page 68 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>An affair offers no painless escape<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The pain of total separation from a lover is great at first, but eventually comes to an end, and marital recovery can then begin. (page 70 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>The symptoms of withdrawal<BR>What about withdrawalafter a one-night stand?<BR>What if the Wayward spouse contacts the lover?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If there is a failure to totally separate from a lover, it usually means that the measures taken to guarantee separation are inadequate. (page 73 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Any</B> contact with the OP by the wayward, sets the wayward's recovery time back to the beginning. (page 73 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What if the wayward spouse doesn't want to totally separate from the lover?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. (page 74 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Affairs and dishonesty always go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other. (page 78 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan B: Avoid contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs are based on fantasy and wishful thinking. (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to break off relationship with spouse (Plan B letter on pages 80-81)<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs last less than six months after they are exposed to the light of day. (page 83 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Is and apology necessary?... No<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If the feeling of remorse is not actually felt by a (wayward) spouse, it is not recommended to have a reluctant apology (page 84 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Marital recovery after an affair<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. (page 85 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <BR>(7) - The Rule of Protection<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (page 90 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Love busters: the most obvious way to destroy love<BR>Angry outbursts<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When anger wins, love loses. (page 92 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Disrespectful judgments<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. (page 93 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Selfish demands<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When one spouse wins and the other loses, the marriage loses. (page 96 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thoughtless decisions: a less obvious way to destroy love<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. (page 97 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thoughtfulness: the objective of marital negotiation<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If a couple are committed to avoid any decision until they come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement, eventually they learn how to negotiate. (page 98 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to negotiate with the policy of joint agreement<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.<BR><LI> Identify the problem from the perspective of both you and your spouse.<BR><LI> Brainstorm solutions with abandon.<BR><LI> Choose a solution that is appealing to both of you.<BR></OL> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If your negotiation becomes unpleasant or unsafe to either of you, break it off and choose another time to discuss the issue. (page 100 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you can begin with an understanding that a solution cannot be chosen until you have enthusiastic agreement, you will be amazed at how quickly you can find agreement. (page 103 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is recommended to couples that they learn to say something like, I'm not very enthusiastic about this situation, will you negotiate with me? (page 104 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>The policy of joint agreement offers complete protection<BR>The policy of joint agreement creates a compatible lifestyle<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When a couple create a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. (page 106 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You can be the greatest cause of your spouse's unhappiness<BR>(8) - The Rule of Care<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 110 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Learing to meet each other's emotioanl needs in marriage is far less complicated than going throughthe agonizing ritual of affairs and divorce. (page 111 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 1: Identify the most important emotional needs<BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 2: Become an expert at meeting the most important emotional needs<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You must ask if you want to know where to put your greatest effort. (page 113 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Couples who focus their attention on each other's top five emotional needs have a sensational marriage. (page 115 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We can't meet our most important emotional needs ourselves - other must meet them for us. (page 117 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A good marriage becomes almost effortless when spouses develop habits that meet each other's needs. (page 118 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A positive suggestion is much more encouraging than critisim. (page 119 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Meet each other's needs in ways that are mutually enjoyable<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Never expect your spouse to suffer or sacrafice so that your need can be met. (page 120 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You can be the cause of your spouse's greatest happiness<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You must be each other's greatest source of happiness if you want to have a successful marriage. (page 121 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Feedback from your spouse as to how you are doing at meeting his or her emotional needs is absolutely essential in your becoming an expert. (page 122 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(9) - The Rule of Time<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The right way to meet all important emotional needs is to schedule time to meet them all. (page 130 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Spouses need to be emotionally connected on almost a daily basis to sustain their love for each other. (page 131 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Scheduling time for undivided attention<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A couple's love for each other cannot be created or sustained without time for undivided attention. (page 133 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is recommended that couples schedule the same hours week after week to be alone with your spouse. (page 133 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Recreational companionship<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Couples often make the fatal mistakes of going their separate ways when an activity becomes boring to one of the spouses. (page 135 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(10) - The Rule of Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Emotional Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Emotional Honesty:</B> Reveal your emotional reactions - both positive and negative - to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior. (page 140 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Historical Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Historical Honesty:</B> Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. (page 142 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Current Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Current Honesty:</B> Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. (page 143 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Future Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Future Honesty:</B> Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. (page 145 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Complete Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Complete Honesty:</B> Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse. (page 146 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Creating an environment for honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You encourage homesty when you value honesty. (page 148 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Don't wrap your honesty in love busters<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you are to be honest with your spouse, you must be willing to reveal your feelings without Love Busters. (page 150 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Honesty means being persistent<BR>(11) - Managing resentment and restoring trust<BR>Living with the memory of an affair<BR>The more there is to resent, the more difficult resentment is to overcome<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as the painful event is not repeated. (page 154 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Focusing on the present and future can help diminsh resentment<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When marriages recover completely, using the four rules, resentment almost always fades away. (page 157 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Avoid using resentment as a love buster<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Resentment is a feeling, and Love Busters are tempting reactions to that feeling (page 157 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Restoring trust<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. (page 160 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(12) - Renewing marital commitment<BR>Marital recovery agreement<BR>A final warning: protect your love bank from the deposits of others<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Make it easy for your spouse, and make it relatively difficult for others to deposit love units. (page 170 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To maintain a strong marital relationship, the four rules must be continually followed. (page 172 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I truly believe you can make your marriage work. The aforementioned material is realitivly simple in nature but extremely hard to do...<P>Give yourself a break, put the bat down, and when you talk to your H tomorrow try to negotiate with him...It sounds as if you really do love but the obsession of the OP led to the impulsive act of seeing them. Its a relapse. It can and does happen. If your sincerly honest about rebuilding your marriage take the necessary masures to see that it doesn't happen again. Hold on through the withdrawls adn wait for the otherside. I've been assured when you do get there its a beautiful place.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Bill for your comments- I remember that you are in 12 step recovery- as my H and I are as well. We met in AA. We have a strong foundation.<BR>My update: H came back home a few hours later- I thought he was coming home to tell me to leave. Not exactly- but he was very angry and vented all his feelings out- plenty of LB's I'm sure- but I deserved every one of them. As he spoke- and as I realized that I may in fact lose him for real- I became totally overcome with all the guilt and remorse anyone could ever have- and for the first time I realized what the hell I had done to him. He is my greatest love- what the hell was I doing? Obviously I have a lot of work to do with regards to myself- because I ended up taking an overdose of pills....<BR>H called 911 and was absolutely more livid with me than ever before- accused me of running from my problems etc.... I was taken by ambulance to the ER and all the usual measures were taken to get the junk out of my system. Once I was a little more coherent- I felt such a feeling of despair and loss that I cannot even describe it. I saw me without my husband and I can not explain what that feeling was like. I saw my life pass before my eyes- and I saw my 11 years with him as the best of that life. Anytime the OP entered my thoughts- I had a panic feeling of "get away from me!!!!!"- "leave me alone!"...<BR>"I love my husband!!!!!!!!!!!"<BR>God has continued to work in my life because he kept the children asleep when the 6 paramedics entered the house and took me away. And with all that has occurred- my H came to the hospital and was at my side- even with his anger. <BR>Saturday morning was really scary- I saw the hospital psychiatrist and he was very firm that I needed to be inpatient again....H and I discussed that we felt that wasn't needed- I have psychiatric help outside and will certainly use that as much as possible. And after a conversation that H and I had and I expressed what my thoughts have been- I think H really felt I had some kind of clarifying moment. So- the psychiatrist really didn't think I was a suicide risk- but was concerned about hospital liability- so we agreed to an AMA (against medical advise) discharge once I was medically clear. <BR>H and I were so relieved- and I can't tell you how fortunate I am to have been given another chance by H and by God. <BR>My psychiatrist called me yesterday and she thinks I had some kind of turning point- and the more I reflect on the past couple months- the more I really believe that I simply flipped out after the death of my father on Thanksgiving Day. All of this started then- and I haven't been right since. I've never acted like this in 11 years- and I want to believe that that is what has occured.<BR>H made love to me last night- very willingly- he says that there has not been permanent damage- but he will not go through this again. I told him that I cannot expect him to be completely trusting of me again- but that I can only prove to him with time how clear I am thinking now.....

Holy bells, my Spooknook, your life has been interesting to say the least. <P>I, and your husband I think, than overlook inclinations, fantasies, etc. But what we cannot ignore are actions becuause they attect us directly. We are very slowly coming to a final confrontation about this.<BR>Your husband is probably every bit as scared sh*itless as I am, but he and I have no choice. <P>Obviously you are scared too, why else the ER, etc. Take care of yourself as best you can. My best advice is avoid the OP totally until you decide where you are. Get help to do it if you can and think it will help.<P>My thoughts are with you my dear, although I am not much of a prayer.

Spooknook,<BR>First time posting, long time lurker. You can get through this. You know the concepts, so you know what to do. Your in a far better place than my W, at least you know that ther needs to be no contact. <P>My wife doesn't believe in no contact. Still works w/OM everyday at work. (sorry, just venting). <P>I sometimes think that if the betrayer would just look back on a lost love from their teen-age or single years, and realize that it hurt, but that they did get over the OP, then mabey they would be more motivated to work on their marriage. Then again mabey the betrayer's wish the betrayed would do the same.<P>Anyway, hang in there and keep fighting for your marriage. Think with your mind, not with your feelings. Feelings change all the time, what you know to be right does not.

spooknook, I think your situation differs from the average affair scenario...I don't know how much detail you've gone into in your posts as to why.<P>Read jpstewart's posts to see what your H is going through. <P>It's actually easier when your spouse is having a conventional affair, because at least you as the betrayed spouse can play on the same field as the OP. In a case like yours, that's not possible.<P>In your counseling, are you dealing with issues of sexual identity at all?

Thanks to all for your responses- I know I must seem so bizarre. <BR>Dazed: as far as the sexuality issue goes: I do believe I am bisexual- and like men enough and intercourse enough that I would not be happy with a female long term and exclusively. But I have had such a hard time with the overwhelming feelings I was having these past few months that I thought things were more complicated than that. All of this started a couple days after my father died- and I have decided to just leave it at this: my father died and I lost my mind. With the history that I had with my father- this makes a lot of sense. This all has been also a way to avoid the grief process.<P>Hanora: you can certainly identify with my H's feelings: and I can say that the best thing to happen was my H going against Harley's program because he did not Plan A me this weekend- and he LB'd plenty- but I needed to finally see what I had been doing and what I was going to lose. What the hell was I thinking??? How could I have done all of this to my Richie????!!!<P>With all his anger and all his disillusionment with me, when I was in the ER Friday night puking up charcoal- Richie was right there - still helping me and concerned for me. And I thought that our marriage was over- and OMG what would I do? <P>It is these feelings that I am going to focus on now- and I have had very little thoughts about the OP. <P>Today is the first day of the rest of my life.......