A friend just stopped by and asked how I was, and I said I was kinda down. He asked how are things at home, I said it was hard. He asked what I was going to do and I said I still wasn't sure. He said, well I could see one time , but he did this how many times? With how many women, he said there would be no way. Maybe once, you give them a chance but with you it would be like six, no way. Throw him out. I said there is a part of me that wants to do that, I think I should do that. I agree that this is ridiculous. He said your young, attrative, I'm sure you'll be fine. I said that was never a concern, like, oh I have to be in a relationship, I rather enjoy being alone. I just don't know what I should do. He said he won't change, he'll do it again, and you are setting yourself up for future hurt. A big part of me agrees with him. He said before he left, kick his A** out. I said yeah, I should. He left and I started to cry. I feel like everyone knows too much and are making all kinds of judgments on me and what I should do. I'm just so confused because it's not that simple of a conclusion to come to. I don't know what I want. God I wish I did.<P>But the big question here is am I a fool for staying with him. I feel like it at times, yeah once, maybe but 5. Get real. I look like an idiot. I feel like an idiot. What is the right thing here, when I agree with opinions like that. I know if it were someone else, I'd say the exact same thing. I tried to tell him, he is sorry and trying his best to work through this, but he said, yeah, well he did this, not you. He made the choice and time and time again, who needs that? Isn't he right? I can't stand it, way too many people know and I can't do anything about that, and everyone seems to know what is right but me. How do I figure it out and am I being stupid for trying, like is it so obvious to other people that you just don't stay with someone like that. Help.

Crushed,<P>I am on my way to bed, but see no one has replied to you. You listen to your heart. I know, sometimes, people just know too much. They mean well, but its a lot easier to say "kick him out" then it is done. Only you can make these choices, when you are ready. I have to say five times, is up there, but remember, I am only 7 weeks into affair number one. So who am I to tell you otherwise. <P>I have heard the saying, once a cheater always a cheater. Is this true? Well everyone is different, you know>?<P>Who is this guy who stopped over and how is he related to all this? Is he interested in you ? I might have missed something in another post/? <P>Dont worry about what others think of you, or want you to do. You do what you feel makes you happy and thats it! If they don't like it, too bad.Your real friends will love and support you no matter what.<P>Prayers with you, I am off to sleep! Dana

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Crushed</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I too feel bad for you...<P>I remember feeling that those "recommendations" from family and friends were going to carry me through the turmoil... <P>and then I started to grow up!<P>My life was <B>my</B> decision...<P>...and in time you will feel that too!<BR>That's part of growing up...<BR>The people here encourage each other to grow (up and out)!... <B>And</B> to make our own decisions.<P>Oh yeh... lots of advice...<BR>...but the best is always... when you can make the decision on your own!<P>Lonelymom said it nicely... like a <B>good</B> mom should... "Don't worry about what others think of you, or want you to do"... that's how to mature...<P>...your getting there... <P>More {{{{{{{{{{<B>hugs</B>}}}}}}}}}} and prayers too... <P>Jim

Crushed--<P>Everyone has an opinion about another's circumstances. I think it's very okay to listen to their viewpoints, we can always learn something. BUT...if you're unsure what to do, you're not ready to do anything. Give it time, and handle it the way it feels right, for right now.

Crushed,<P>Yes, we know what we <B>should(?)</B>do. The problem is that our hearts and our heads don't always connect. You sound as confused as I - just to let you know that you're not alone when you say you don't know how you feel, or what you really want to do right now. I've fallen in and out soooooo many times.<P>When you make up your mind you will know. I've not made up mine yet....but, maybe getting there. Plant A just isn't working for me anymore without any feedback from my H. <P>lonleymom is entirely correct when she says not to worry what others think. It is your life. My parents even think that I should have ended it - <B>but</B> they also know that it is my life - and my kids lives - and our family's life. Your friends will be here to support whatever your decision is.

don't bury something that may not be dead because others think it's right, follow your heart, down on your knees is where you will find your true answer, i feel for you and know your pain too well i'm only bout one month after he says he broke off all contact with her but he loves her and not me, he can't even hold me anymore, it's almost midnight here and he's not home yet, so yes I know your pain is real and I know how confused you are, but your heart never lies. <BR> God Bless and Keep You,<BR> Regina

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He said your young, attrative, I'm sure you'll be fine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Why is it when we are as devastated as we are over our spouses having an affair, someone says, "youo'll be fine." Of course we will, but for now the pain is pain. It's not magically gonna go away.<P>You need to do what you need to do. It's your life & other's telling you to ,"just get over it" do not have to live with the choice you choose to make.<P>Don't make a choice based on a reaction to an event. Make a decision based on thinking <B>everything</B> through.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

You're not an idiod Crushed. You are a loving, caring human being who believes in marriage. You want to do what is right. You don't look like an idiot, your husband does. Do what God tells you to do. It will be in your heart.<P>I have been with my husband for 17 years. During that time he has been unfaithful to me at least 5 times (that I know about). I don't feel that I am an idiot, rather I feel that I am a dedicated wife who is intent on doing God's will, and God's will is for my marriage to be restored. I've felt the feelings you are feeling now many times. Praying about it is what gets me through these times. I've been told over and over by friends and family to get rid of him, cut my losses, get rid of him and find someone who'll treat me right, etc. In my heart to do what they suggest would be breaking God's commandment to me. <P>Our relationship is better now that it has been the entire 17 years we've been together. I attribute that to God's divine intervention, prayer, and Plan A. <P>Do what is in your heart. Ask God to show you what to do. <P>God bless you.<BR>

Thanks all for your responses. I know it is my decision, it is just sometimes when you don't know what the right thing to do is, you look to others for the answers. This person was just a co-worker, I was at work when he talked to me. He is married and as far as I know has no feelings for me, other than pity! ugh. He also said to me , I would never cheat, it would kill my wife and my kids. That made me so special....sorry my h didn't feel that way about me.....<P>People say the dumbest things huh? Anyway I know I won't make a decision based on anyone else's opinion. But I must admit, I care about what people think of me. My counsler said to me, well if you do what the group of people who say dump him want you to do, then what do you do to please those who want you to stay? That's why he makes the big bucks. Thanks for all your kind words, and this is so tough for all of us, I just want to know I am doing the right thing for me. And I do know that will come in time and will only come by me.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Crushed

Crushed,<BR>One thing that I have learned throughout this whole ordeal is to be very careful who i look to for counsel. I needed to find people that would support me 100% and not trash my h. Family of course wants us to not be hurt and would want to see out of our lives anyone who would hurt us. They are usually not an objective sounding board! Before this happened in my marriage, I always swore I could never forgive infidelity. Well, guess what? I was wrong. With God carrying me all the way, I am in the process of forgiving. Not for my h sake and not to endorse his behavior, but becausee in my case it was the right thing to do. I needed to forgive and do all that I could to restore my marriage because it was right for me. Don't leave just because you want to be the first one out. If your h is doing something to change his behavior so that this will not be so likely to happen again, you can make it through this. You don't need to trust him blindly. Read Dr. Harley's book about how to survive an Affair. There are good guidelines in there.