I have read both Dr. Haley's book, "Surviving the Affair" and alot of messages here. I keep coming back to this same thought......It seems like the betrayed spouse has to endure the most suffering, humbling (can't find the exact words) brunt experiences/effects of the whole affair process with the wayward spouse never having to admit they were wrong. Understand? For the marriage to continue, it seems like it is totally the betrayed spouse's responsibility to make the relationship work. It seems the betrayed spouse has to take the most responsibility for past problems and the intiative to make the marriage better. Why is it so hard to admit guilt? Why can't people just identify the problems before an affair starts? It has been almost a year since I found out about her affair and I keep spiraling the emotions and feelings about this mess. We are still married and living together. She still works with the OM. Obviously I didn't meet all her emotional needs. I gave her the emotional needs questionaire a week ago and she hasn't done anything with it. I know it is wrong to demand anything from her. Please see my earlier post for past history of this affair. Please help!!!!!!!

Dear Delta,<P>I have to agree with you. I only found this site a few days ago, in this situation a couple of weeks. I haven't been yelling or screaming etc at my H, but hes still with her.... I don't understand whats going on. I know there were a few problems, they came up after it started. I ackowledge those and told him that I would work on them and I am. Why oh why do I feel like I need to keep begging?? I don't want to beg anymore. He knows I love him and would do anything in this world for him but you reach a point when its gotta stop. But, then I read all these posts from everyone who is trying to work on their marriages and you hear good news so something must be right!!...... <BR>good luck and take care and let me know what luck your having, I need all the luck i can get!<BR>trouble

Trouble, I will give you all my luck, but unfortunately I don't think I have much luck. "BEGGING" that's the exact term I was looking for. Why can't the spouse see what they are doing to the family (We have two kids, 8 and 9). It's like she told me....She had an affair, said it was over, but then lasted another 8 months, now says that it is over again,,,,,,no excuses,,,, won't tell or confirm that it is over now for good,,, plus saying she feels guilty about not feeling guilty and to just get over it. JUST GET OVER IT------like that is so easy to do! Won't separate from him, they are co-workers. I guess my biggest mistake was that I told her that I would in any way support her in her new job at work. That meant longer work hours and more trips. I was proud of what she had accomplished and wanted her to succeed in her new position. Little did I know that would provide the perfect opportunity for her to have this affair. But, i wanted her to be happy, to have the chance at this new position. Goosh was I wrong....<P>Begging, it makes me feel 2 inches tall, no self esteem, confidence, etc. Plus I feel that I am the only one sufferring. She goes about her business as usual like nothing happened. And his wife doesn't know about this. At least his wife doesn't know the real happenings. She might sense something is wrong, but she doesn't know the truth. Sometimes I feel like telling her. I feel like he crossed a boundary. He crossed MY marriage boundary, even if she was willing. I should take up for what is MINE. Understand?<P>Still spiraling (hopefully it is not a death spiral),<BR>Delta

Deltakid2,<P>I agree with you all the way, been there, doing that now, basically hating it all right now. I know its a good concept and it works, so I am hanging in for now. Dana<P>

thanks Dana and Trouble,<BR> I just hope and pray that one day they realize what they have done. Well,,,,I know ONE DAY they will, I just hope they realize it before that ONE DAY.........<BR>Still Spiraling,<BR>Delta

Deltakid2<P>I understand where you are coming from even though my situation and conclusion is a little different. <P>Maybe it would help to look at things in just a bit of a different light. <P>Forgive my ignorance of your particular case, I didn't do my research, but I do know there are at least three people responsible in your case, not just her, him or you. You stated you know you were not meeting her emotional needs and that was part of the problem. It's great that you are willing to admit that.<P>Let's look at it like this, you messed up by not meeting needs<BR>She messed up by cheating.<P>Can you immediately trust her to be completely over this affair and OP?<P>Can she immediately trust you to be meeting her needs?<P>You BOTH have some work to do on this. Maybe you will be the only doing anything right now but somebody has to start the process.<P>Trust me when I say, it is a process.<P>During our recovery one thing that helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel was to think that we certainly did not get to the point we were at overnight and the problem was certainly not going to be fixed overnight.<P>The best advice I can give is to be consistent in your actions-is she worth the effort? the time? the heartache? Do you want this relationship?---then go the extra mile and put your heart out on the line. I know how scary it is to put your heart with all it's open wounds, still fresh from the pain, out there unprotected to possibly be tromped on again, but....it's all or nothing and right now it's got to be all because you have not given it enough time to begin healing. <P>How much time is enough? That varies and you are the only one who will know.<P>I do wish all problems could be identified before an affair begins, but I guess that's why some couples do not fall into that trap because they did identify the problem. Because we all know every relationship has problems.<P>Please don't give up, keep reading and posting. Those that have had happy endings and not-so-happy endings alike have very valuable advice and insight.<P>Lori<BR>

thanks lori!!!!!!!<P>I know things can never be fixed overnight, but they can go a long ways. Admitting a mistake and agreeing to try would seems to be 3/4ths the battle. But she told me in our last counseling session that she only wanted a pretend marriage for the kids and friends and relatives. Does that mean HOPE? If I pretend this never happened and start trying to meet her needs, would that help. I gave her the questionaire on emotion needs and she has yet to return it. The thought of wasting years on a relationship that she is not openly willing to try for is crushing. What kind of message does it send to the kids if we get a divorce after they are gone? I would feel so bad if I knew my parents stayed together just for me. That would be hard to live with if I knew my parents were unhappy and they stayed just for me. Understand?