In definite true need of advice!<P>I met my partner almost five years ago.<P>First, few months after our initial getting together, he decided to seperate: he was still thinking of his previous girlfriend. I was hurt but thought it was fair and better for both of us, for him to sort it out.<P>Then when I look at the whole picture up to now, there has been successive ugly events: he would cheat, lie and/or hide the truth (which is just as bad), and my little self would have to dig it all out, dead bodies of his infidelity. That in itself is a terribly painful process, which would normally start by some kind of intuition, me looking deep down in it, finding clues. Next step being again painful, confronting him, having to squeeze the informations out of him, him ending up barely admitting, me being devastated. I even left him, after the most terrible of all: he had cheated on me with whom I thought was my friend. I left the country, he was devastated, came to see me few weeks after, we talked ect. Got back together, everthing seemed fine, later on cheating events occured again, same thing I had to discover everything. Of course, each time he would feel terribly guilty, feeling terrible but not articulating much, and of course each time he would swear that "that was it-nothing else was hidden-nothing like it would ever occur ever again". And of course ugly events would occur again and /or I'd find out about things he had kept secret although he had sworn to truth.<P>Of course, he suffers for my lack of trust in him, but each time I had to rebuild my trust in him, he would just destroy it with more cheating, more lies. And he increasingly feels (and looks) punished whenever I want to talk about it.<P>I do love him, and feel that he does love me, but where is the limit to this? What am I to do?<BR>I cannot go plan a- plan b, back and forth forever!<BR> <BR>The above episode (with this "friend" of mine) left me having nightmares several times a week for about two years, and even now, whenever I remember the events, I feel physically nauseous.<P>Do you think I have given too much already? After each nasty event, I put all my strenghts into depositing more Love units, and things improved...until the next unbearable discovery, and trust is getting more and more difficult to rebuild. <P>I have the feeling that he now hides the truth more than ever, in fear of me leaving him. Needless to say I do not wish to spend a life time of having to "play" private detective. <P>I have lately "felt" that he hasn't told me the whole truth about a recent event. (He, returning "one of the girls" (God I can't believe I wrote this) phone call while I was abroad, I fear there was more than a phone call)<P>Completely lost, truly needing your light!

Hi,<P>I personally don't think you can ever "give too much" to the relationship. I think you can not "get" as much out of it though.<P>You are not a bad person for what he has done, it sounds like you have a lot of guilt. <P>My H and I had problems 5 years ago, not with affair, with him drinking and then after we split, he had a relationship, well I had and still do have nightmares from that and now he IS having an affair and I have nightmares and get physically ill too> The first 3 weeks after discovery, I vomitted at the sound of his voice every single time.<P>It sounds like you two have a lot to work out. I know that feeling of guilt is hard, but I am trying to learn to NOT blame myself for my H's weak spirit and bad judgement. I still feel there is no excuse for an affair, no excuse for running to another woman when the one you have is NOT cheating on you. That is just me, I know a lot of people think it takes two to wreck a marriage, or cause the affair, I see a lot of women who had no idea there was a problem. <P>Good luck and stick with plan a!!

Hi,<P>Thanks for your words. Until I read them, I thought I was from a different planet for having had these regular and vivid nightmares about him cheating. (Although I wish this horror to no one). <P>I guess I mostly feel guilty for not knowing what to do anymore, I've talked with him so many times, he seemed to understand my words and feelings, we set and both agreed to some new "rules", he promised so many times. <BR>And few months after it was all gone!<BR>How can I find the strength to trust him again, I've been hurt so badly I am amazed I didn't die of the pain!<P>I truly love him but I am so scared to be hurt again! You are right, there is no limit to how much you can give when you love, but surely there should be a balance, no?<P>How long can you hold on to plan a, I wonder.<BR>