Friends,<P>I will be reading the letter written below to my H tomorrow.<P>I wanted to see what you all thought of it. I apologize for its length but I want you to read it all. I wanted to be honest yet gentle and loving in my approach to the ending of our 22 year long marriage.<P>Please comment and be honest! I will not be offended by anything anyone has to say. <P><BR>Dear H,<P>This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. It isn't what I want to do, but it is what I *have* to do.<P>As you listen to what I have to say please remember that I love you.<P>The time has come for me to do what I must do. I have known all along one of two things would end up happening. You would return to your wife who loves you with all of her heart or you would stay with OW. I have no control over what you do but I do have control over what I do. Therefore.....<P>We need to go our seperate ways.<P>I have used up all of my paitence, hopes, prayers, and understanding. All I am left with is my love of you. I want to protect this and I can't do this while I sit by and watch you live your life with another.<P>Actually this may be a relief for you to hear. I suspect this will make things easier for you, in that you will not have to make a choice. I don't want you to have to choose. It is something that you would have had to do if I wasn't taking this action and I know you don't want to hurt either of us. So I will bow out gracefully. It's like the two women who insisted they were each the true and only mother of one baby. They each grabbed an arm of the baby and began to tug. The real mother of the baby let go and let the OW have her child because she loved her child too much to see it ripped in two. You see H, I love you that much. So much I will live with the emptiness in my heart rather than see you ripped in two.<P>You once left me and then chose to come home. You left a second time and you have told me you want to come home again. I hear your words but there is no indication that that will ever happen. What I do see, hear, and feel is a great deal of emotional pain being caused to all of us involved, most importantly you. We have walked down this path before. On several occasions you said you'd be back, but then didn't show up. One of the worst days of my life was when you failed to return as you had promised then you came over and told me you didn't love me as a man loves a wife, you loved me like a sister. I can't go through this again. I don't want you to have to go through this again, either.<P>I am no longer living. I am just dying a slow painful death each and every day that this continues. Life is for living and I need to start living again. So it is time for me to move on as you have already done.<P>Don't think I haven't heard your words. You say you love me you miss me and you want to be my husband. The words are there but the actions are not.<P>You say words like *us*, *we*, and *ours*. Those words don't apply to you and me, but I wish they did. The reality is the us, we, and ours in your life is with someone other than me.<P>I have tried H, God knows I have tried. I have hung on to the wonderful things you have done and said to me to make me believe we would be together again. But those things no longer convince me that this will ever happen. Do I want to live the rest of my life without you by my side? No, I don't. But there is nothing that I can do to change who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Only you can decide that. I don't want to feel as if I made you do something you didn't want to do, or things that cause you discomfort. And I do feel like that most of the time. Like when you stop here to drop off money, or fix something around the house for me. This results in making you late to return to where you live and causes you grief from the OW. Or when you come over to see us on Sundays for the amount of hours OW feels is appropriate to spend with our children. Then you have to make up stories as to where you have been and what you have been doing so she doesn't find out you have actually been with me, but she still makes your life difficult. You may not mind doing these things but they are killing me inside little by little. <P>I don't want you to think I am being selfish in my actions. I have to do this not only for you and me but also for our children. The pain and emotional damage that has been done to them by all of this needs to stop now. Our children deserve to know the direction their lives will be taking. At this time the confussion and uncertainty of what should be givens in their lives are destroying what they have left of their childhood and are negatively impacting their futures. Our daughters are being further damaged by the life in limbo that we are putting them in. This really hit home to me in the past few days. I found myself commiting to things for their futures to be here where we currently live, and I shouldn't have done this. _______ has to make college plans but can not because she doesn't know where her mother will be living when she starts college. And yes, she wants to attend college in the state I will be living. _________ has been holding back on on getting involved in high school because of our possible move, and she is missing out on what should be the most fun carefree years of her life. We can't give the girls back the years that were stolen from them all we can do is try to do a good job of damage control for their futures. H we gave them life but we have NO right to screw up the gift of life we gave them. And by your indecision and my acceptance of this, that is exactly what we are doing. Please don't believe the crap others tell you about how resilient kids are and how they will be just fine. Anyone that tells you they will be fine is either denying the truth to themselves, trying to protect you from the reality of the situation, or doesn't know or give a damn about our children. Look around at the children who have been the victims of their parents poor choices. I doubt you want our children to end up like any of them. I know I don't.<P>So what should happen next? There are certain givens. I can not stay here, you know that. I think it will be in all of our best interests if you and I sit down and work out all of the details. If we get others or the courts involved everyone will loose, especially our children, and they have lost way too much already.<P>There are other givens for me too. I have always loved you and always will. I will miss you the rest of my life. I want you to be happy, and wish I could be the one who could make that possible for you. I'll always remember your touch, your smile, your laugh, the special way you always made me feel when you walked into a room. And a million other things like how you would always grate the potatos so I wouldn't cut my fingers.The love of our marriage produced the two most special little people on this planet. I don't regret our almost 25 years together, I cherish them.<P>There is so much more I would like to say but some things are better left unsaid.<P>I will end this by telling you I couldn't help falling in love with you.<P>Your Wife<P>So that's it folks the begining of the end. I'll hold off on reading this to him untill the end of the day tomorrow, I want to make the last day we spend together as wonderful as possible.<P>My hopes and dreams are when he hears this he will go and get his belongings and run back to my waiting arms. Of course I know in my heart of hearts that will not happen.<P>I will love again some day. I know this because I have so much love to give.<P>Thanks for listening and let me know what you think of this letter.<P>I'll be sure to post after he leaves tomorrow, so you will know how he reacted to what I will be telling him.<P>Wish me luck!<P>Fingers Crossed<P><BR>

{{{{{fingers crossed}}}}}}}}}<BR>What a wonderful letter. I hope your day tomorrow is as good as you want it to be, and I know how very sad you will be even through it all, knowing that you have this messgae to deliver. I read on this board and elsewhere something to the effect that if it is not yours, set it free. And this you are doing so selflessly. A hard choice, but I wish you only the best, no matter what,

I think it is a beautiful letter. Extreamly loving, well written and very touching. I would not change one word.<P>Good luck. <P>Acacia

FC, <P>This is a beautiful letter, you said it all. <P>The only thing you might look at is the part about OW, this sounds a little like a LB to me. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Or when you come over to see us on Sundays for the [i]amount of hours OW feels is appropriate [i] to spend with our children. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It would be great if the shock would "wake him up" and he would run home to his family. It may happen, but you are wise to not get your hopes up. <P>I'll be praying for you.<P>Keo<P>

willbok99:<P>Thank you for your comments, thoughts and hugs. I am setting him free. It's so hard to do, but I need to do this for all of us.<P>acacia:<P>Thanks so much for your kind words.<P>keosha:<P>I think you're right that does sound like a LB. I want to keep this free of all LB's. I will remove this from my letter. Thanks for pointing this out to me.<P>Yes, it would be wonderful if this woke him up, but as you said I am not getting my hopes up. I had to be prepared for his agreeing with what I will be telling him. I am prepared. Kinda like walking into a lions den armed only with a sling shot. You know the outcome but keep hoping you'll hit him in just the right spot that will bring him down.<P>Thanks for your prayers, input, and support.<P>Fingers Crossed

FC,<P>It's a very nice letter. BUT ......<P>Your post from yesterday, finding more lies, putting together time lines. Been there and I know each revelation is a knife to your heart. It hurts and it's painful as hell. Add to that your sexual contact and I can see where you are feeling "so done". <P>But you have said in both posts that you would like him to hear this, come to his senses and come home. So, somewhere in all this you are not "so done".<P>Maybe you are just done with Plan A. You say there is no plan B for you because you will move far away. Well, that's not going to happen in a day. So maybe you can Plan B?<P>I'll even go against the MB principle here with the letter thing. Why oh why, must we make formal announcements to infidels, deep into affairs, as to our intentions? <P>If you no longer want to be intimate with him then next time it comes up, explain why you will not.<P>If you no longer want this man in your home, visiting the kids, then explain it to them and him.<P>If you are going to move, then make your plans,and advise him when he really needs to know.<P>I guess what I am saying is, you are totally disgusted with him. You know handing him an actual letter would mean nothing. You feel a need to vocalize your intentions to him. You know he is not going to have the reaction you truly desire.<P>Is it really necessary to read this to him? Couldn't you follow through with your plans without notice to him? Would he not more fully grasp the situation as you pull away from his cake scenario?<P>Perhaps the only thing you would say to him today is that; today is the last day he will sit in your home and visit. He is no longer welcome to do this.<P>Just a thought.

Beautiful letter. Made me cry. Really it did. So much of what you said brings back so many feelings for me. I really wish you the best in this difficult time in you and your childrens life.<BR>Nancy

*<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

inshock:<P>You are so right in everything you had to say. <P>Read my update and you'll see exactly what happened and what I ended up doing and how he reacted to it.<P>mental:<P>Thanks for you words they really mean a lot to me.<P>Arik:<P>If you know you'll be on the recieving end of a letter such as this PLEASE do everything you can do to make sure your W does not have to read you the words similar to the ones I typed.<P>Betrayers are only looser when they don't wake up in time to save their marriages. <P>Don't shed tears, Arik. Shed the OW. <P>Fingers Crossed

Well, Arik, if this letter upsets you so much, why not wake the f*** up?<P>Or at least have the B*LLS to do the leaving yourself, rather than asking your wife to be the bad guy?

Hi Fingers,<P>It seems that you have come to a cross roads that many of us are currently. Beautiful letter minus the LB.<P>This is a difficult decision that must be made. If you are mentally ready for this next step, I would say take it.<P>I have been in Plan V for over a month now. Yeah, I have bad Val days. Yesterday for one. I fought the urge to call and I won. I does get easier. Today I'm fine.<P>Inshock, I believe that the letter thing is a good idea because I verbalized my feelings to Val until I was blue in the face. It seems that the written word comes across much stronger. I don't know if she is keeping the letters or using them for potty paper. Doesn't matter one way or the other. I'm moving forward. <P>Wising us all the Best.<P>Tim

Tim,<P>As we know, each case is different. You wrote your letter but not in the hopes that it would make Val act (if I read you correctly). I'd bet that your letter is tucked away and has been read several times (maybe while she's in private ON the potty).<BR>Did I just write that? <P>Hard to explain but, the differnce I see is the point at which the affair is in its progression and how much time you have given a successful Plan A. Using Arik as an example, a Plan B letter would give him great relief to persue and lay all blame elsewhere due to where he is currently in his affair. <BR>When you're the one actually living this it is very difficult, very difficult, to be objective. You know your pain and you just want it to stop. This is where I believe the Plan B thing can be misunderstood, used and actually provide the infidel relief. Plan B is intended to follow Plan A. <P>In SAA Sue moved out and was free to persue the affair but did not get her Plan B letter until John was emotionally ready. The point at which Sue gets the letter is also about the time her OM is dumping her, therefore it provided her no relief.<P>So, at times I think these letters give notice to an infidel who wants nothing more than to have the spouse off their back, relief.<P>For FC and others in Plan A I see no reason why you can't, without LBing, take some privilege from the infidel totally enmeshed in an affair, without formal notice. <P>As an example, I told my H that he was to knock on the door before entering the home. This is how it goes when you enter a home where you don't live. Such a small thing I know, but I saw him blink at the reality of the situation. He was not UNwelcome, just losing privilege he had chosen to give up anyway. A glimmer of the real future to come <P>If we take baby steps to recovery, then why can't we take baby steps to Plan B?<P>