LHC--<P>Have you read all of the information found at this website? Read, and then keep reading. And then read again. Talk with your W about what you've learned here; ask her to share the site, if she will.<P>I firmly believe the root of all problems a couple experiences is lack of communication skills. Obviously, there is love in the beginning of the relationship. But poor communication (and the resulting lovebusters) can erode those good feelings that brought you together in the first place! Yes, it would be selfish to make your wife quit a job she likes. It's putting your needs as more important than hers, and forcing her to do something you have no right to do! Say you succeed and she quits. The resentment she would probably experience will put you in an even worse situation than you're in now because she did not agree willingly to this change. You may THINK things are more peaceful, but there's still a dam waiting to erupt in another way if you don't repair the problem from the ground up. Just a bandaid won't truly heal the wounds. <P>I feel you need to talk, and there's no quick fix. Talk, and really listen to each other. Stop thinking about what you're going to say NEXT to drive your points home during the conversation--you must listen to her as well, and accept what she feels. You are free to express your feelings to her, all of them, in time, but edit your responses before you speak. If you feel yourself getting too aggitated to continue talking calmly and with consideration for her feelings too, STOP, and continue the conversation later.<P>You will be trying to negotiate ways that YOU feel better about this situation, without FORCING her to do anything. She must want to do it herself and feel good about it too, or you've run over her like a freight train. Perhaps if you were to express your feelings of anxiousness when she has to go in the boss' office (and you said it yourself, she "has" to), she may be willing to ensure that the door remains open. And if this DOES occur, show your appreciation TO her for responding to your needs. Or be gracious about her explanation that she can't ensure the door stays open. If you are, she may do something else to restore your trust (again, because she wants to). <P>Rejoice with every agreement you two make. Take baby steps. Remember for every emotional need you have, she has one too. I like to think of marriage building as a retraining of thoughts and reactions. I can't just do what I want to do without agreeing with my H...it's not just "me" any more, and I CHANGED that fact when I married him. So I have a responsibility to him, and myself, to put his needs on the same level as mine, no matter how different they sometimes are. No one's right/no one's wrong. Some things are easy in the agreement department; some things are very tricky and take a LOT of discussion at the negotiating table. But, that's okay, because it's worth it for us both to be happy. The better we get at that negotiating table, the less "restricted" we both feel, and we CAN have those things that are seemingly separate. <P>For me, this was no simple lesson. I had in my mind how things were going to be when we started our lives together. I meant no disrespect to him, I just thought I knew best. Well, duh. While I was whirling through how our lives "should" be, he was withdrawing and thinking, "hey, where did *I* go? somehow, this became all *her*!" When that reality finally struck me, I was horrified. All my good intentions were at his expense, AND the expense of our relationship. Back up the truck. Thankfully, we're both on board now. We screw up sometimes and even expect to, but we know how to talk and negotiate now, and we'll keep getting better and better at it.<P>Express first/resolve second.<P>Btw, I find nothing wrong with monitoring your spouse. To me it's like checking on an investment. That sounds a little cold, doesn't it? Well, it is, IF you intend to use any negative findings AGAINST your spouse. Instead, use those findings to contemplate how to make things better, in a positive way. And be unobtrusive about it (I'm even honest with him and keep it light, most of the time. We tend to check up on each other and there's humor.) because there's nothing worse than that overwhelming feeling your spouse doesn't trust you.<P>I hope these ramblings have helped at least a little.
