I haven't been posting much lately, but have been reading.<P>Our counsellor indicated that I am probably suffering from chemical imbalance and depression, no surprise there. I haven't done anything about it though. I haven't decided what I want to do. <P>My H seems to be acting like that is the source of all our trouble now. He mentioned again last night that I needed to go to the dr. When I get down, it is "just the depression".<P>I know I am depressed, I have even been fighting thoughts of hurting myself. What irritates me is that my depression isn't the cause of our trouble. He even hints around that it caused the problems before his affair. My depression is a result of what I have had to go through the past years of him being so cold to me and hateful. And the lack of remorse and emotion that he showed after I found out. He is sitting back and waiting for me "to get over it" and now he feels a magic pill will do the trick.<P>He has treated me as an inferior (physical, spiritual, mental and emotional) for our entire marriage and now he finally has a diagnosis he can use to prove it and blame me for everything.<P>He will deny this, but his actions speak otherwise. He says I'm wallowing in self pitty, I say he doesn't even have enough feelings for anyone but himself to be hurt or affected by what he did.<P>If I start on antidepressents it will be proof to him that I am weak. He hates weakness and tells me that constantly. If I don't take them then he will continue to use me as a scapegoat and have someone to blame in order to justify his actions during and since his affair. He constantly says there is no justification, but then turns around and constantly tries to justify it.

hi essyboo, are you in individual counseling aslo? It is very irritating to read how these spouses can get so hung up on a diagnosis and use it as the cause of everything wrong with the marriage! There are others here like you, hope they drop by. <BR>Of course you are depressed! Gads, would anyone expect anything else? Now, let me think, what shall we label the h with? We could get real creative here....narcisstic? That works. How bout we just list some symptoms like egocentric, denial, unaccountable? See how silly that whole things is! <BR>I say that if it is there, and we have the ability, treat it! You have options...use St Johns Wort, 900 mg/day. It is an herbal preparation, and it helps your immune sytem as well as depression. Go on an antidepressant and either try to get him to understand or don't bother telling him. I am not advocating keeping secrets from the spouse!! Don't misunderstand me. But if your body needs treatment, and he is going to beat you over the head with it, then you do what it takes to get yourself well. Your health and well-being come first, not him or his attitude about who needs what when. <BR>Wonder why he has such strong feelings regarding weakness...projection? That is a counseling question for sure! Wonder what caused this as he was developing? And wonder what it hides within him?<BR>It is up to you, and you have the strength, to not let h or anyone else allow you to feel inferior. Those are your own feelings and they are not at all helpful to your growth!! You are a lovable, valuable, intelligent person, and deserve to be treated as such. Work on your self esteem in addition to dealing with the depression and you will start to feel a lot better. You are not the cause of his problems!! Don't accept that responsibility. (((hugs)))

Essyboo,<P>I hate to say it to you... but...<P>Maybe it's time to take some of the advice that is given you and not ignore it... regardless of where it comes from.<P>The stigma of depression as a "disease of the weak willed" is still very strong and hurting you.<P>My W, has been often depressed (until OM became her drug of choice)... but I know if she received competent medical help... she might first "see the light"(about the affair)... and then really "join the world".<P>I'm not knocking you...<BR>But asking you to not consider the source of the recomnendation... but instead think of the benefits...<P>Don't we say here at MB...<BR>We are here for "self-building" as much as "marriage-building"!<P>Prayers...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

What sort of concerns me is I only feel depressed when it comes to my home life.<P>At work I am more focussed than I have ever been. When I start for home I start getting mad and down. When he comes home it is even worse.<P>I am gaining self esteem in every area of my life but my marriage and family.<P>I have a tremendous "need" to have the approval from those around me. It is something that the councellor brought to my attention. I also have a tendency to blame myself for everything and thus not even approving of myself.<P>My H knows this, yet he acts as if it is a weakness not a need and therefore needs to be cured and not satisfied.

I will probably try to see a doctor. I was fully prepared to before my H started this stuff and I know I need to stop letting him (or my imagination concerning him) manipulate me.<P>He says things would be fine if I just moved on (thus blaming me). If things were fine I could move on.<P>He fully understands that he needs to feel appreciated and loved and honored and all those things, but considers me weak because I do too.<P>I am finding myself feeling very defensive about going back tot he counsellor with him. I want him talk and tell her things, but he doesn't talk any more to her than to me. He doesn't feel he needs any help so individual counselling for him is out of the question atleast for now. I am going to pursue personal counselling, but I'm not sure if I'm going to use her. I am going to give it another session or 2.

Essyboo - taking care of yourself (ie. by taking a doctor's advice that you need antidepressents) is not a sign of weakness. It is a measure of your strength that you are doing something to gain control. <BR>I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I suffered from depression for several years during which I went through lots of surgeries, hormone injections and procedures for infertility followed by numerous miscarriages. Then my H had his affair and blamed it on my depression. He completely distored things and said he had a wife who could never get out of bed - so what's a guy to do. In reality the only times I stayed in bed were during three of the particularly bad second trimester miscarriages. I was always able to function as a mother, housekeeper and professional even when I was depressed due to my H's coldness and contempt for me.<BR>Do you really feel your H has no remorse for his affair? - perhaps his saying there is "no justification" is as close as he can come to remorse right now. <BR>I agree with those who said take the meds, and if you truly think your H is cruel or dense enough to consider it a sign of weakness, then don't tell him. Just do it for you. BTW I know others swear by it, but St John's Wort just gave me an upset stomach, or maybe it was my H's behavior that upset my stomach. Paxil worked much better - made the lows higher but also the highs lower. <BR>Why are you staying with a guy who treats you as inferior? If you want to show him your strength stand up to him and don't take it when he is "cold and hateful". I used to put up with a lot of similar stuff - and that is what my H saw as my weakness, not my taking antidepressants.<BR> Simone

I'm also concerned about the side effects. They can cause weightgain and other sexual side effects. I can't afford that. <P>Since his affair I have had an abdominalplasty (tummy tuck) and implants in an attempt to make myself attractive to him. (Don't get me wrong, I am pleased with the results and it wasn't all for him). I am terrified to gain any weight, even though I am too thin now. Sexual trouble would devestate us. All were really have that is strong in our marriage right now is physical in nature. I'm not sure he can feel deeper than that. <P>He couldn't see past or overlook the affects that three children, three natural births and over 3 years of nursing had on my body and my sexlife. Why should he be able to overlook the affects that medication and depression have on my body now.<P>When I bring his attitude about me being inferior to his attention he acts like he doesn't know what I am talking about and therefore comes across as feeling I am being unreasonble which in and of itself is him saying I'm inferior. The councellor has also brought up that I tend to blame myself for everything so he just uses her insight to further strengthen his opinion that I am unreasonable.<P>I feel that I am in a position to demand that certain things change regarding our relationship. I have been trying to satisfy his needs, but this need of mine must be satisfied to. I must become of more importance to him and he must learn to be less arrogant and selfish. In order to do this I will have to gain a lot more confidence and self-esteem than I have now, and that is hard when he had been my only source of confidence for so many years and didn't provide it for me. I think this is a major problem that housewives who allow themselves to completely revolve their lives around their husbands and children to the exclusion of finding their own strength from somewhere.