Everything started innocently enough. I was chatting in a Christian chatroom. I thought I was making lots of great friends and NOTHING more. Then, there was one person in the chatroom that seemed to want to talk to me more than anyone else. At first, there was innocent flirting and references to old songs that we liked, etc. Before I realized what had happened, I had downloaded an instant messenger program so that I could chat with this guy alone. He started confiding in me about his awful marriage, etc. He told me the story of how he had moved out and left his wife and his two daughters, and how his wife had already filed the divorce papers (this happened before we started communicating online). We sent each other snapshots via e-mail so that we could see what the other person looked like. I thought he was cute...he thought I was cute. Soon, I was confiding in him about what a "pain" my husband could be sometimes. I was also confiding in him about my mom's recently diagnosed illness, etc. We began spending HOURS talking online. Then, one weekend when my husband went out of town, I gave the OM my phone number. He called me and we talked on the phone for over eight hours. I hadn't felt interesting in a long time, and I hadn't been interested in a long time. Things went even further downhill after that...<P>Soon, I was sneaking around my husband trying to figure out when I could call the OM, or when I could chat with him online. The OM was putting the pressure on me to meet him somewhere for a weekend. By the time I met the OM for a weekend, my marriage was even WORSE than before because I'd made it that way. I guess deep down I thought, "If I'm hateful enough, my husband will leave me...then I'll have a REAL reason to cheat." The guilt of the EA was making me moody and hateful and hypersensitive. The guilt was isolating me from my real life and the person who really loved me (my husband). I got up the nerve and told my husband that I wanted to go away for a weekend so that I could "think". Actually, I was going away on a weekend to meet the OM face to face for the first time.<P>My husband agreed to let me have some "space". I took a flight out of town. The OM that I'd never met in person met me at the airport. <P>When I look back, I see the POWER that this attraction to this OM had over me. I was completely irrational. I was doing things and saying things that I thought I would never do or say just so that I could be with this OM. I had to be completely insane to meet a total stranger OUT OF TOWN. I had to be completely insane to GET IN THIS GUY'S car and to share a hotel room with him. He could've beaten me, raped me, tortured me and left me for dead or killed me. None of that happened, obviously, but what an incredible risk to take just to "fill a need". What an idiot I was (yes, I know...that's an understatement) . Yes, the physical aspect of the relationship with the OM was the most passionate, erotic time I'd ever had in my life. I felt sexy and energetic. I felt beautiful and incredibly special. I had no idea that a physical relationship could even be like that. The sad part is, I cried the whole weekend because I knew that what were doing was wrong...but we did it anyway. I loved my husband, but that didn't stop me. NO...we weren't rolling around in bed laughing at what a fool my husband was...I've said before that I cried because I KNEW that I was the FOOL. I cried because I knew that my husband deserved someone so much better than me. I cried because I knew that my husband would never do something that horrible to me. Yet, there I was betraying my husband.<P>After that weekend, I knew that I couldn't continue doing what I knew was WRONG. I made a few weak attempts to end the affair. I was so attracted to the OM that I almost met him out of town a second time, but I withstood the pressure. I finally ended the affair with a letter via e-mail. The withdrawal period was HORRIBLE. I thought about the OM constantly. I suffered miserably for the first few weeks of the withdrawal phase. Within a few weeks my thoughts began to clear and I realized that I didn't need the OM...I never needed him in the first place...I never loved him...I loved my husband. The dumb part is this: Had I not met the OM online, he would have NEVER been someone that I would've been attracted to...if the OM would have walked past me on the street, I would not have taken a second look. <P>Wow...the magnitude of what I did is so overwhelming...my heart is literally aching as I'm typing all of this stuff.<P>Why did I have an affair? I was lonely. I wanted to feel needed and important. I wanted to have meaningful conversation without fighting. I wanted to be told that I was beautiful and sexy (my husband isn't very verbal). <P>What a ridiculous price to pay to have companionship, conversation and compliments...<P>I hope this will help someone. I'm not in any way trying to blame my husband or justify my actions. This isn't meant to hurt or inflict further pain on those that have been betrayed. I just thought that someone would appreciate knowing the "process" of how an affair got started (and ended).<P>Peace and love...<P>I pray that all broken hearts will be mended...<P>Love,<P>Jill

Hello Jill,<P>By coincidence, I just happened upon your post this morning. I'd been seeing your name pop up as the author of some new discussion threads. Thought I'd look in on someone new.<P>I'm an old-timer here. I think I'm a lot older in age as well as life experience. If you'll accept anything from a wizened old vet like me, I hope it's this... it is possible to learn a great deal from one's mistakes AND sometimes even be given a second chance. <P>What compelled me to first visit here over a year ago was a similiar situation to your own. The details were slightly different but the theme was the same. Hmmmmm, if it wasn't for where you said you met your OM, maybe I could have been he. <P>All kidding aside, it happens. A lot. We're just two of many, many people who have walked down that path. It was the wrong one. <P>Now that we both are on a better part of the journey... me a bit further along perhaps...I can suggest don't look back much. Don't beat yourself up for what happened. For you can't change that. You can only influence your future.<P>Be well.<P>------------------<BR>I'm just a pilgrim on this road, boy. 'Til I see thee... fare-thee-well. Steve Earle

Your posting helped me understand my husband so much better. Most of your thoughts are just like what he's been trying to tell me. (He's not the most verbal person on the planet either!!!) I'm going to save what you wrote for a tough day to remind me how much he is hurting too. Especially the part about knowing you were wrong and that you weren't happy in that situation. My H has described that several times but YOU have helped me really hear him. Please know that you have done a very good deed in posting this. You have helped me a lot. Thank you. Hope you get to take 5 huge giant steps in your healing process!

Hi there,<BR>Does your H know about the affair? I might have missed that fact. I read your post and felt that I could've written it myself. The feelings of confusion and regrets and knowing how horrible a person I have been have sent me completely over the edge. I have spent the past few weeks giving so much power to feelings and thoughts- instead of letting them pass and trusting that things would get better. I think I am starting to realize this now. It has been a horrible ride!! Your H sounds like mine- and my H has had to deal with every bit of what I have done- and he is still here. He is my power of example with regards to what love really is and what marriage is really about. He is my life- and I had to hit rock bottom in order to realize that again.<BR>You don't need to make all the mistakes I have made to punish yourself for what you have done. Believe me, it is not worth it.

Thank you Jill, it helped a lot to see and hear what you went through. My wife took a weekend last week to herself but i know it was with OM but i am not going to confront her cause it is a lovebuster. I hope and pray that she will wake up like you and spooknook did. Was there one thing or another that let you figure out that you wanted your husbands and family or is it just time? I have been contemplating plan b but am not ready yet sometimes i get so mad at her when i am having a rough day with my two young kids and i do something i would've never done if i wasn't in this situation. Like screaming at them and than feeling like a bad dad cause i let it happen. Good luck to you and please continue to post cause it helps a lot. <P>Derek

I can say one thing about the whole Harley process that I am not sure about and that is PLan A. My husband left me Friday night- and it was only then that I started to realize how hurt he really was and what I had done. He did come back and then really told me what he thought of me and what I had done to him. Probably all of this was a major Love Buster- but it was all of this that finally woke me up. If he had simple planA'd- I think I would've just continued to take him for granted. Sometimes tough love is what will count.

Jill,<BR>Thank you for your post/story. It helps me understand what happened to my W. Hers stopped at an EA , but I believe because I found out on my own as it was just starting. The OM hadn't had time to beat down my W's defences. We are BAC's too btw. Interesting eh/? I find it helps me too see how others made the mistakes and how they are recovering. I don't know if I will show this to my W yet. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Jill,<BR>

Jill,<P>Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a "betrayed" wife and I always wonder what this feels like, why H did it to me. I still am hurt,but it helps to hear a real person admit they were irrational, out of character, and the whole thing is just so painful. My H lives with OW now. I hope someday he wakes up. I admire your honesty and caution with this situation and wish you all the best to get past this in a positive way. Prayers are with you, Dana<P>

Jill, If you're still there and are up to telling us more about how it was to be "in the other shoes" I'm all ears. Your articulateness and maybe because you are female you can talk she-talk, a language most husbands have a hard time with. Best wishes to you.