It was two years ago this week that my time in hell was just beginning.<P>In 5 days, I will have to relive the anniversary of my W walking out on me.<P>It was that day which would eventually lead to more pain than I ever thought I would have to endure.<P>It was that day which started a count down. . .A count down to the death of part of my soul.<P>I have suffered through many of these "anniversaries." I have read of many others on this forum who have also endured these "anniversaries."<P>So many times I have wanted to be able to reach out to the others and find a way that I could ease their pain. . .<P>On the occassions when I have tried to reach out to others. . .I have fallen very short of my goals.<P>Now with my own "anniversary" lurking so very close, I find my self reflecting on the other times when I have fallen short of my goals . . .<P>There are so many thing that I now know I should have done differently. So much pain I could have prevented. So many tears that need never have fallen. . .<P>I came to this forum out of fear. I needed to find a place where I could find answers; Where I could find guidance; Where I could find understanding. As I lurked I saw compassion, love and friendship. I thought , just maybe these people really will be able to help me. So I finally decided to open myself to ridicule and started to tell my story.<P>I became a regular poster on this forum. I felt that I had made some friends; I made some people angry; I made some people laugh. Still I continued to post.<P>I have seen many come and go from this forum. I have seen successes. I have seen failures. I have seen some regain hope; I have seen some lose hope. I have seen people attacked. I even have to confess that there have been some, who have probably viewed my comments as attacks. I have laughed, and I have cried as I have read the stories which have been posted on this forum.<P>How many times I have prayed that I could wake from this nightmare. . . How many times I have prayed that I would come to this forum, and find no new names.<P>I have met a few here that I would consider to be true friends. There is one whom I have grown to love as brother. There are those whose stories I have been drawn to; There are those whose stories I have stayed away from.<P>There have been those who have called me a success story, during my time on this forum. . . I don't know if I would agree with them though. I still feel the pain. I still find my self crying, and not knowing why. I still find myself asking WHY.<P>My W will end up reading this thread. She will feel that it is all her fault. She will draw herself tighter into her her shell. Once again, I will have done something which has caused pain. We have learned so much from all of this. We have grown so much, and accomplished so much. The price was so high.<P>I don't want to cause anymore pain. I don't want to feel anymore pain. I don't want to remember these "anniversaries." I don't want to have to fight the "triggers."<P>I want to put a cork in that bottle which holds the memmories of this time and I want to bury that bottle away forever.<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited February 20, 2000).]

Empty Shell<BR>Your words hav described so perfectly what so many of us have felt.<BR>You have always supported others in their pain. You didn't fall short.<BR>I remember one post that you made to me when I was down. It may have been only a few sentences but it was so perceptive. You could see the pain that others may not have seen. <BR>Now you will make it through these anniversaries. They hurt. No one can tell you they don't. Try to remeber though that the pain is so much smaller than it was at the begining. That raw pain isn't there anymore is it?<BR>Don't beat up on yourself. You are human. <BR>If we didn't love, we wouldn't hurt.<BR>My mentor, Almost Happy, keeps telling me that it will be easier next year, and the year after. I belive that. This is too fresh right now and we can't expect too much.<BR>You are both doing great. Hang in there. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Forgiveness is the scent of violets on the heel that crushed it.<BR>WS

Why don't you make plans to do something special with your W on your "anniversary" to remind yourself of how far you've come instead of where you've been?<P>Acacia

ES,<P>I wish I had something really healing to say. I don't, other than you are not alone.<P>I did not stay with my infidel H. I honestly don't live these anniversaries. However, this "thing" remains a huge weight on my soul. A part of my soul is dead too. Reading your post put my feelings into words; ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH !!!!. <P>It looks as though, regardless of the path we follow, infidelity is this black hole of sorrow. For you an anniversary is a trigger, for me, my H suggesting we purchase something is a trigger.<P>There is nothing but nothing any one else can do for us. We can talk and rage with our SO, have therapy and load ourselves up with drugs but it all comes down to healing and handling this yourself. <P>Actually, I think you have found an answer in a way. Setting these emotions away in a corked bottle is not a bad idea. I would not bury it away forever though. Go off by yourself, take the bottle out, pop the cork and live it again, then put it away. It's always going to be in what remains of our souls, so why not take some control of it? What is wrong with allowing ourselves this?<P>You still look at the face that lied to you and hurt you, I don't. I just have to deal with someone who thinks nothing of mixing our lives toegther in a trusting way. <P>I guess we should rise above all the crap and enjoy our lives as they are now. But it sure is hard.<P>

My friends. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this thread. As I go back and re-read it myself, I find myself wondering if I have ever made any real sense. This post seems to be very convoluted, jumping around with almost no sense of direction.<P>Such is the state of my mind some times.<P>wasstubborn -- Thank you for your words of support. They mean a lot to me.<P>You said that I didn't fall short. . .I'm afraid that in many ways I have. I have made so many mistakes in my life and in my marriage.<P>I know they say that hindsight is 20/20. There just seem to be so many "If only's".<P>acacia -- Trying to do "something" is a nice idea. Unfortunately finances and life in general make this difficult to do. Sometimes, I wish that I could just truly forget.<P><BR>InShock -- I know that we are not alone. That fact in it self is almost as painful as having lived through what we have. . .Knowing that so many others are going to have to feel these same emotions; are going to have to learn how to trust and love again. It really is very sad. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's always going to be in what remains of our souls, so why not take some control of it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Taking control can be extremely difficult sometimes though.<P>God Bless<BR>

ES,<P>Leave it to me to connect with a post the writer is confused about !!<P>To Love again:<BR>Either I love my H as he deserves, and love as I am capable of loving someone - to the fullest of my ability, or I don't have love in my life. <P>I could kick and scream and swear off men or find another H and try again. So I am trying again (with another H). I could put a protective wall around my heart but then I would never feel love as I know I can, as I did in the past. It's a very conscious choice.<P>Yes, very difficult to trust him with my heart. But if not, then I am not fully there for the marriage.<P>To Trust Again:<BR>He wants a 600,000 house, I want a 300,000 house. Why? Because hard as I try not to, my mind is calculating what I can afford alone. Oh what they heck, he has my heart. Material things mean nothing when infidelity has smooshed your soul.<P>If I am calculating this am I just being sensible? Is my heart really there if I am thinking these things? <P>In what other small ways I don't even recognize, am I pulling back from this marriage?<P>I guess ES, I'll say it again. Keep the ugly stuff in the bottle. Let it out when you must but, try to live day to day with what you really, really want in your life. <P>Give your love to the fullest, as you would want to be loved, and the same with trust.<P>Like you, I've been hanging around MB a long, long time. The point at which you question your ability to be with a spouse, after the affairs, after deciding to commit together, is just as real a crisis as the affair itself. We've seen many people make it and others lose it. Which are you?<P>I think my experience would show people in recovery that it makes no difference which spouse you recover with. I can look into the sweet face of my non-infidel husband and know he is just as capable of doing this to me as the last H. Does that make sense? All of the betrayed people will need to learn how to trust and love again if they want a partner in life.<P>Sheesh, this is a bummer. I should be in the newlywed, honeymoon stage of my marriage. But I feel like an oldlywed. Maybe we're in the same spot right now ES, maybe that's why I think I can relate to your post.<P>Let's take it out here, to the brain trust, to your MB brother. Let's both of us try not to take this out on our spouses. We're both being hit with triggers and neither spouse can control that.

ES,<BR>I can relate. I is nearing 7 years when I was complete certain that she was having her first of 8 affairs.<P>MONDO HUG my friend!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

InShock -- You seem to understand me better than I do myself sometimes. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We've seen many people make it and others lose it. Which are you?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have every intention in the world to be one of the ones that make it. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We're both being hit with triggers and neither spouse can control that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I just wish the triggers would go away.<P>professorg -- Thank you my friend. Right back at you . . . <P><B>MONDO HUG my friend!!!!!!!!!</B><P>God Bless<P>

dID ANY OF YOUR h OR w GO INTO COUNSELLING? tHIS IS AN ADDIDCTION LIKE SO MANY OTHERS WE ENDURE IN THIS SOCIETY. iT FILLS A NEED THAT IS EMPTY IN US. <BR>I THINK I AM WONDERING HOW TO RAISE MY CHILDREN SO THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO FEEL STRONG ENOUGH, FULL ENOUGH. <BR>i WANT THEM TO SOMEHOW FIND THE WAY TO MAKE THEMSELVES HAPPY.<BR>i LOOK AT MY H (LEFT OUR HOUSE LAST WEEK) AND SEE SOMEONE WHO IS SUFFERING. I SEE IT AS AN ILLNESS. HE IS IS COUNSELLING AND I HOPE HE CAN LEARN FROM IT. I HAVE<BR>NO MATTER HOW MANY WAYS YOU TRY TO RATIONAIZE IT OR FIND BLAME OR FIND A REASON IT'S STILL WRONG, AND THERE ARE NO GOOD REASONS!!!!!!

Claudia103 -- I msut admit that I am a little confused by your response. Did you intend to reply to this thread or on another?<P>Also, If I may suggest, please check your CAPS LOCK key when you post. It looks as if you are yelling, and can be very difficult to read.<P>God Bless

ES,<P>Besides being a very sad song by Jim Croce, this post is very sad too!! I also feel like all these trigger and pains just seem to follow us around, from here to there... and then they kinda go away for a little while, and then BAM!!! hit you in the gut again. I know!!!! <P>Take care... and I hope that neither you or you wife retreat too far back into the shell... this is just another bump in the road to recovery...

new_beginning -- Thank you for taking the time to reply. I only have a few minutes before I have to leave for work, so I will have to be brief. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I hope that neither you or you wife retreat too far back into the shell... this is just another bump in the road to recovery...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I believe that you are right about this only being a bumpin the road. It sure does rattle the teeth though. As far as retreating back into a shell . . . I think my W is more susceptible to this than I. This will beat me up until I get home from work Friday, then it will go away. No matter how much my W tells me that she is not going anywhere, my mind stills very vivdly remembers that day. I am hanging in. Again thank you for your thoughts.<P>God Bless

Hello, ES. Back from a vacation and looking for my friends. And, for the record, it made lots of sense to me.<P>Wassi's got a point. It will get easier, but you already know that. And Acacia is brilliant. Take them back. You and Hopeful both. Take each painful day, each trigger, each reminder and MAKE it into something special for the two of you. You two have accomplished so much. You can do this, too.<P>Take it ALL back and make it yours and yours alone - just for the two of you. It'll be hard, but you can do it. I know Wassi's done it and I learned from her example and I'm doing it too - no matter how hard. We started right away - this weekend. And every little thing felt like a victory - for both of us and we felt good about sharing the battle. 'Cause they're triggers for HIM too.<P>You've been an example for me, ES (heck, we all screw up sometimes, right?). Both of you have. Keep on. I depend on you.<P>Lori

Hi Empty Shell,<P>I'm sorry.<P>I've just about had my year of "first's" - the first anniversary apart, the first Christmas, my first birthday without him, the first easter is coming up, our daughter's birthday which he won't be present for, etc etc etc.<P>I was always told that when grieving for someone/something, the year of "first's" is the hardest. How very true.<P>I'm not too sure how long this has been going on for you, but I gather you are in recovery.? Those triggers must hurt so much.<P>I doubt I'll get that far - but as you and In Shock said, you mustn't blame your new spouse, or the 'old - new' spouse for those triggers. You need to focus on where you are now, and where you are heading. That means a wonderful future, and not the bleak old past....<P>I like the idea of the bottle very much - suits my mood tonight. Bring it out when you need to, and then put it away again. That really appeals to me.<P>Have a lovely day at work, I'm just about to hit nighty-night time !!!<P>Take care of you, and a big hug your way<P>Jo

lostva -- I hope you giys had a wonderful vacation. I know how important time alone, away from the tribulations of life can be fantastic for the soul.<P>I'm not really sure why you depend on me, but Thank You just the same. It is good to hear that I have had some type of impact on the lives here. I truly hope it has been positive.<P>bonnet -- Thank you for responding. I too remember the year of "firsts." They erally suck. So far, the year of "seconds" is starting out pretty rough too.<P>I am looking forward to the day when I will no longer have to fear these "anniversaries."<P>God Bless

ES, <P>Time to change your thought process. Instead of thinking about the down side time to look at the good side. <P> If you can't do something special because of finances then do something that doesn't cost anything. Spend time together say I love you, make a cute card. But don't dwell on the fact that is is an aniversary of bad things. What day did she come home celebrate it instead. <P> Time heals all wounds. I hope that is true. For we all need to believe it. At least you two are together and that is the important thing here. Work on that. I would love to be in your shoes. You are making it. I know you both will make it through this, because you are together. <P>{{{{{{{HUGS to you both}}}}}}}}}}} <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS -- Thank you very much for the hugs. I just read, on another thread, that you are having to fight through some demons of your own right now. Hang in there Di. You too will make it through.<P>God Bless

I guess I should update this post, before it finally dies. . .<P>Well, the 25th has come and gone. The world didn't come to an end. Nothing spectacular happened either.<P>When I was a child my F died. It was the day after his 27th birthday. For years I had myself conviced that I too would die at 27. I was totally convinced and semi prepared for death. My 27th year was pure hell. I knew each day when I went to bed, that I would not wake up the next morning. When I finally turned 28, I can remember feeling almost disapointed. I had never planned on making it to 28,. I had no idea what to do with my life from that point on.<P>I guess those questioning thoughts continued until I got married 2 years later.<P>I can't help but feel that I am going to go through this questioning stage each February 25th for a while to come. There are just so many unknowns.<P>I really wish that I could wake up from this nightmare.<P>God Bless

To the top for Sheba to read, and anyone else interested.<P>God Bless

I'm here reading. Your last post touched a little nerve. Tomorrow is the anni of Papa's death.<P>You'll wake up, ES. You've asked me a dozen times at least, why you and Hopeful had such an impact on me. I don't know that I can really tell you all that I FEEL, but maybe a little bit, here and there.<P>I hear you both question from time to time whether or not you're a real "success story". IMHO, absolutely. 'Cause I don't really measure your success (or mine, or anyone else's) by the lack of problems, or any other sort of perfection. But the two of you have endured this he$$, worked your way through it, summoned forgiveness for each other and yourselves and continued to love and support each other the best that you can. No perfection in any of that. It's ALL a work in progress. But what a testament to the power of love, God's grace, and the ability of the human spirit to endure and begin to heal.<P>There's a long way to go, ES. Every day, every moment, more to learn, more to love and more to forgive. But when I remember you guys from BEFORE, I see how very far you have come, what wonderful changes your love and committment to each other has brought and the road ahead of you seems to pale in comparison. Nothing that either of you face in the future could possibly compare to what you've faced and conquered in the past.<P>So, chin up, my friend. And Hopeful, too. You guys ARE a success and your relationship is a wonderful work in progress. Not there, but we've all learned that this "marriage" thing is ever-changing. <P>So, I keep up with you, even during this busy time. And I smile when I see your names here. Not because you're "there", but because, even with the problems that come still, you're still in there, loving and fighting the battle. And that says great things about both of you.<P>Hang in there. You're getting there.<P>Love to you both,<P>Lori