My ex has been involved with OW for ten months now. I honestly thought he would have caved in, but the affair seems to be getting hotter instead of cooling down. They almost seem like a married couple, he seems to have just replaced me with her. How do they get so close so fast? I can't imagine at this point being as comfortable with and as close to someone as I was my ex. They are trying to blend their families and be happy ever after. My kids are resisting, (I know this is common in most of our situations). Even though my children are struggling with it, he continues to be insensitive to their feelings. Do most affairs get like this?<P>Ad

Just like my ex, I think they live in a fantasy world and choose not to see what is going on around them. I sometimes think they feel in time that the hurt will all be forgotten and we can all be one big happy family---not! My ex is also insensitive to his daughter, but has at least gone to 3 therapy sessons with her and things were pointed out by the counselor for him to work on I hope in time there will be an improvement. At this point, everything revolves around his relationship with the OW. My daughter, with the help of the counselor has her own agenda and keeps busy with scholl, work, and sports. I know she would like things to be different, but he has to be the one to make the changes.

db713,<P>Thanks for replying, I don't feel so alone when I hear from you. Do you ever feel as if you don't exist anymore? I felt so loved by my H all through our marriage, and all that has been taken away. I'm a good mother, was a good wife, and his rejection makes me feel like I don't count at all.<P>Thanks<P>AD

i FELT THE SAME WAY. aLL 12 YEARS OF "US" I FELT LOVED, RESPECTED, APPRECIATED. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTINUE THINKING THAT. I VIEW IT THIS WAY. <BR>THAT HUSBAND WHO SHARED THOSE YEARS ENJOYED THE MARRAIGE AND FAMILY TOO. I HAVE VIDEOS, PHOTOS AND OTHER PEOPLE AND FAMILIES PERCEPTIONS. THIS GUY IS SOMEONE ELSE. I DON'T ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE THIS GUY TOO MUCH<BR>I HAVE AN OPEN-DOOR POLICY REGARDING THE KIDS. HE HAS BEEN WITH THEM A LOT AND CALLED A LOT. IFIGURE I WANT MY KIDS TO BELIEVE THAT WE LIKED EACH OTHER. IF WE DIDN'T WHAT WOULD THAT MAKE THEM THINK OF THEIR EXISTANCE. <BR>IT'S HARD BECAUSE OF THE KIDS BUT KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THIS IS THEIR ILLNESS NOT YOURS.

Claudia,<P>You are right. You just get to the point where you wonder which is the real person. Obviously, if they are capable of doing this, it is real. You hear so much about the fantasy, but my ex always looks so calm and controlled, while I am the one with my insides torn out. I don't see why he doesn't miss us, I don't see why he isn't miserable. He has no home of his own, no money, not much time with his children. All he has is HER and that must be all he wants.<BR>Thanks for your reply.<P>AD

I guess I'll join in here with the other divorces. I thought my x would take off after we divorced but she informed me that she is buyying a house in town here. Interestingly enough she hasn't said anything to the kids and wouldn't say anything to her only friend.<P>Also she went to a gun show with the om yesterday, this is the second time she has gone to one. She never did anything with me more than once. Even when we went shopping for me, she wonder off and look at things she was interested in. Now she is going to guns shows?<P>She just called to talk to the kids, neither one is here. I asked her when she is taking the kids, and she said "probably" Wed and then the weekend and that she is going out of town on Tues nite but would be back on Wed. Like I care where she is now. I think its just a dig and I don't know whether to tell her there is no need to tell me of her plans so that she knows it bothers me or just ignore it.<P>A counselor said that while the affair is happening they are like 16 yos and nothing else in the world matters to them. My kids come 4th on the list of importance to my x. There is herself, om , work, the kids.<P>Like someone else said, I don't like what my x has become. Someone so selfish is not attractive to me.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

The whole subject makes me ill. How can someone commit in marriage . Love their spouse and then just get up and start over. Where is the conscience, where is the guilt, why does it seem so effortless to the betrayer.<P>I am sick over my life right now and my H is in la la land. I hate it. I hate that he puts OW first, he never did that for me. All I can saw is when golf season comes, she will be in for a rude awakening.<P>WHen we get in on discussions like this, I like to think about Kimber's thread. I feel pain for her, but her H is leaving her to go back to ex W. It was a year after they married, and I would like to think that sooner or later, these possessed, puppy love selfish spouses will wake up to see the horror they have caused. In my case, there are about 14 people in our family directly affected by this affair. <P>Maybe they do go out of their way to put on a front in front of us. Who knows what goes through their head, their dreams, those quiet drives to work. Hopefully their first true love anyway.<BR>

RWD & lonelymom,<P>I agree with your posts. This selfishness and cruelty is unbelievable. I am having a really bad day. My children do not want to be around the OW, but my ex keeps pushing it, even though he knows it is causing the kids pain. I suspect the OW is pushing it, too. I was just thinking, how much more do I have to take? My ex has abandoned us, shows no concern for me or the kids. The OW took my H and now I have to share my kids with her, too. I don't understand how my ex can be so mean to us, or have no guilt over what he has done to us. I can't believe he could stay this way, but I'm beginning to think he might. I hope she puts him through such torture, he will see what he gave up. I'm beginning to think they will be happy ever after.<P>Ad

Hi AD,<P> I can always feel the anguish in your posts....I know 10 mos. seems forever but it's not...he will in time wake up...You can't control how he acts with the kids but only how you treat them, they really need you now. I know easier said than done. But remember he "has" to act like this is working out , look what he gave up (you and the kids)....even Harley said, they will try their hardest to make it work. However, it's all built on lies, pain (yours) and cannot last. Thinking of you , I'm sure 10mos. seems like an eternity.....Lu

Lu,<BR>Thanks. Everytime you reply, you lift me up. I keep telling myself 10 mos. is not long enough for him to wake up. I am there for my kids, I just think what hurts me the most is seeing how he is so insensitive to them. He was always such a loving person to us, I can't believe what he has become. I hope you are doing well. <P>AD

Yes, many times I feel he has forgotten he was ever married to me and I raised his children while he was sometimes gone for months on end with his Naval career. I still don't understand how you can walk away from a wife and children, and not see the pain and heartache. He lives a totally different life now. The OW he lives with is his age, but never had a children,so it is difficult for her to relate to his children and grandchild. I think she would prefer them to have minimal contact--I know she doesn't like me having any contact with the ex. It has been a long 2 1/2 yrs since my divorce and I am finally coming out of the depression and rebuilding my life. I sometimes wonder why I want to restore my marriage if I was given the opportunity. I still get the rollercoaster feelings. Today I miss being married, but I don't miss the marriage I had. I also hate the fact that the OW won,but the counselor told me to think about what the OW actually won.<P>It makes me sad to read so many of these posts because so many people are hurt by the actions of their spouse, but it is also comforting to know there are people who do understand because they have been in the same situation.<P>

Hi, I just have to chime in on this. My H just left from his visit a couple of hours ago. He hurts me so much by his indifference. I haven't been doing this for as long as some of you. He only moved in with the OW a few weeks ago. He looks so happy - and I'm so not, so much so that I can't even talk to him or look at him when he comes over to see the boys. I'm just not interested in being his "friend". He does treat my boys well tho and hasn't tried to introduce them to HER (which I have already voiced my concern over).<P>Are your H's married to these OW's? If not, why is he/she allowed to have your kids around the OP? My lawyer is blocking him from having mine around any "unmarried roommates or members of the opposite sex". Of course, I my divorce will be filed this Tuesday so I don't know if that's the difference (sorry, I don't want THIS guy - even tho I do ache for the person I thought he used to be). The only problem is once they are married, that's the end of that. And this will also apply to me not having anyone around them that I'm not married to, which I wouldn't do anyway.<P>Unlike a lot of people here, I don't want him back because he's NOT the same guy. And even so, he's is way to capable of devastating me unlike anyone else, and I won't do this again. I'm sad for my losses, but getting ok with it now because I know my life will be fine and I definitely deserve better. My H doesn't seem indifferent to the boys' feelings tho. He is very considerate of them. It's just ME that he is inconsiderate to - but I'm a big girl and can handle his stupidity. Bring it on.<P>Tomorrow tho may be a different ride tho, as we all know. Take care, God bless,<P>Kathy

I can't stop my ex from having the kids around the OW. The only thing I can stop is overnight visits, and then not if they get married. He doesn't do much with the kids, he tries to act like a good father, but he has never tried to explain any of this mess to them and never talks about anything personal. When he left, he didn't even tell them what he was doing, I had to deal with it all. He has also lied to them time and again, telling them there was no one else, then suddenly he springs her on them. <P>Ad