After reading alot of the posts here and Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an affair, I have one question that I can't find answered or any guidance on.<BR>Question: Should the betrayed spouse tell the lover's spouse what has been going on? Should I tell this guy's spouse the truth.<P>My wife has or still is having an affair with a co-worker. They are both on a small management team. Neither is willing to change jobs. How can they not separate themselves? Wouldn't the feelings for each other always be there. Their affair lasted 6 months hidden from me and another 8 until she said it was over. Can it really be over if they still work together?

I have a response to your question about them working together... I do still work with the OM in our situation, and let me tell you, he is <B>not</B> the reason for our problems any longer. Of course, my H threw another problem in the mix when he had a revenge affair, but that was only last month, and my affair has been over for nine months. <B> "Over" being the operative word!</B>It does have to be over!! <P>It is possible to work with the OP after the affair is over, but it takes tons of <B>effort</B>, at least on <B>one</B> side... one person <B>must</B> be strong enough to draw a line in the sand... "yes, I'll talk to you, but only about work-related stuff, or only about what you'd tell anybody else here..." it was hard, but it can be done.<P>As far as your telling the OP spouse, I'd stay out of it. I'm sure you'll get some other advice, but that's how I feel about it. Why add that to your plate right now, plus it's a huge lovebuster, and has been known to be the final straw for the betraying spouse... don't take the chance. Just my .02 cents worth.<P>Best wishes!!<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited February 20, 2000).]

No, I don't think you should tell the other spouse. Here's a sampling of the information I've learned here at the MB forums.<P>As a general rule try not to do anything that would hurt anyone. <P>If you told the spouse what would it accomplish? It might cause a divorce and that would leave the OP single and looking for someone (your spouse) to fill the empty spot in their life. <P>Also, the other spouse might not believe you and may even spread rumors that you are a trouble maker going around telling lies. <P>You never know how a person will react to this type of information.<P>It seems to be best to use your energy working on your own marriage and let the others take care of themselves.<P>Keo

Good Job, Keosha, You know where your headed~ It's true, why intensify any feelings that deal with the two of them at this time? It is time to separate yourself and your spouse as much as possible from ANY unnecessary contact with the op or their spouse. God Bless~<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I agree that you should not contact the spouse. It could only hurt the unaware spouse and possibly cause a divorce, and it could drive a bigger wedge between you and your spouse. In my opinion, it drives the two betrayers closer together since they need the assurance that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. <P>I speak from experience here as I have spoken with the OW's H on many different occasions. (He contacted me) Although I have been enlightened on a few things by speaking with this man, my H is extremely angry at me for doing so as is OW. We both believe we have just pushed the betrayers closer together and probably have no hope for reconciling our marriages at least at this point. <P>I know it is hard not to contact the other spouse, but you will be better off in the long run. Take Care.

I contacted the OW's husband. My husband wanted to, because he owned up to what he had done and suffered the consequences, but she never did. My H told her to tell her H so they could try to work things out (she never told him anything!), but she continued the lie. Both me and my H felt he had the right to know, but I thought it would be better coming from me instead of him. Her H suspected, but my call confirmed it. He and I had a very nice conversation. I told him about the books that had helped us, etc... He still wants her back and continues to try. At least he knows what happened and now has a chance of changing and getting his wife back someday. Without knowing, he never would.<P>Mare

What about this idea.<P>My wife tells me that it is over but through snooping I know it isn't. I know that he still calsl at least once a week and that they are both just waiting until my wife gets a job and can move out to pick up where they left off.<P>He is married and I know that somewhere down the road my wife will become dissatisfied with the limits on what he can offer her. If I tell his wife one of two things will happen. Either he will end it with my wife to focus on his marriage which will allow my wife to go through withdrawal and begin to heal. <P> Or his wife will throw him out. He and my wife will be free to pursue their relationship with no constraints. My thoughts are that once exposed to reality and no longer just in "in love" fantasy land, their relationship will quickly deteriorate.<P>I know going to his wife would be a huge LB. I really wish there was some way she could find out on her own and make something happen.<P>I've been real close to calling her or sending a letter a couple of times, but I've been able to restrain myself so far. <P>Any input?