I have decided to break contact with my H for now. He is completely absorbed in his own needs and wants right now, and I am about to have a nervous breakdown from the uncertainty. While it may mean the ultimate breakup of my marriage, my mental health is at stake here and I feel in my best interests and the interests of my children, I can no longer continue to be his "buddy". I am getting nothing in return but heartache. I know this is contrary to what MB prescribes, but how can anyone keep their sanity doing the Plan A when the spouse is still seeing the OP? I am not sleeping, have problems eating, diarrhea, nightmares (when I do sleep), etc. I am cranky and depressed most of the time. This cannot be good for me or my kids, and all for what...a pride swallowing siege to get back a man that I have spent the last 15 years trying to please. Does anybody else feel this way? Am I wrong to want to have my own mental health and sanity? Is my marriage more important? I feel so lost and confused. I honestly think that I can only worry about me for now. I have ordered Surviving the Affair, but have yet to read it. I am finding it hard to believe that saving a marriage at the cost of my own self-esteem is healthy. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I know how you feel. I feel very much the same way, except my H is no longer seeing his OW and is at home trying his best to make things work again. <P>We hear over and over that we must take care of ourselves, and of course the children. For some I feel that means separation from the source of the pain atleast for a time.<P>My h has not been working for several weeks and his constant presence destroyed me. He has returned to work and my mood is getting better. I feel good at work and start getting down on my way home. I feel a separation is what we need, but don't know how to acheive it.<P>Nothing has to be permenant right now. You must heal separate and apart from the healing the marriage.<P>I hope you find smoother seas ahead of you.

Sounds like you're a candidate for Plan B.<P>Effective Plan A requires the patience of a saint. I don't know if you've been doing Plan A or not, but I for one don't feel you're obligated to sacrifice your health for the sake of some hope that your H will wise up.<P>Plan A AND B are supposed to be about taking care of YOU anyway.<P>If you want, leave the door open.

Keridwen7,<P>While Plan A is a great strategy, it's very tough on the individual going through it. There are several things that can help: antidepressants and sleeping meds; having a small, focused support group; and getting good counseling while dealing with the situation (I used Steve Harley).<P>Your feelings are completely normal, but they're not going to go away if you break contact with your husband. They will lessen somewhat, but you're still going to be dealing with this for some time to come. Self-esteem is a tough call during Plan A: I would remind you that you're doing your best to deal with horrible circumstances, and you're becoming a better, stronger person in the process. And giving your marriage a fighting chance when others would have quit. I know it doesn't feel that way when this crap is in full swing, but you are making positive steps that can make a difference.<P>I strongly urge you to get into counseling immediately, and start on medications that will help you get some of your mental health back. Whether you're in Plan A, Plan B, or divorce---it's tough.<BR>

Dear K,<BR>Not only do I empathize with you,I am going through exactly the same mental and physical<BR>anguish.My H's affair started at around the same time as your H's.He is yet to give her up and in fact is with her right now(She lives overseas and he is on a "business trip" You can imagine the sleepless nights I have had since he left.He is supposed to come back after tomorrow and will act as if he was really in another country.Am I supposed to go along with his charade?It seems that MB principles would say yes,go along and do not confront him.SAA says to WAIT until he gives the affair up.I know exactly what you mean when you said how to do this at the cost of sanity and pride.I am battling with the urge to tell him as soon as he comes back that I cannot continue to be treated like this,expected to raise our kids and be on the welcoming committe upon his return from his foraging.Really,can anyone seriously manage to stay silent?I am not claiming an outburst, I am a quiet person who can control words and thoughts and I wish I can have some professional advice here but I live in a country where it isnt available.I just have my instincts and this forum to go by.I haven't told any friends or family.I'm hoping to contain as much damage as possible. <P>All i can say to you is that You are in my thoughts as you negotiate this one.My mind would say give our mutual lovestruck H's a little more time(A month?)and then make the next move.My heart says give him not one more second more!!!!Let me know what you decide.

Dear K,<BR>Not only do I empathize with you,I am going through exactly the same mental and physical<BR>anguish.My H's affair started at around the same time as your H's.He is yet to give her up and in fact is with her right now(She lives overseas and he is on a "business trip" You can imagine the sleepless nights I have had since he left.He is supposed to come back after tomorrow and will act as if he was really in another country.Am I supposed to go along with his charade?It seems that MB principles would say yes,go along and do not confront him.SAA says to WAIT until he gives the affair up.I know exactly what you mean when you said how to do this at the cost of sanity and pride.I am battling with the urge to tell him as soon as he comes back that I cannot continue to be treated like this,expected to raise our kids and be on the welcoming committe upon his return from his foraging.Really,can anyone seriously manage to stay silent?I am not claiming an outburst, I am a quiet person who can control words and thoughts and I wish I can have some professional advice here but I live in a country where it isnt available.I just have my instincts and this forum to go by.I haven't told any friends or family.I'm hoping to contain as much damage as possible. <P>All i can say to you is that You are in my thoughts as you negotiate this one.My mind would say give our mutual lovestruck H's a little more time(A month?)and then make the next move.My heart says give him not one more second more!!!!Let me know what you decide.

nabilqad,<P>If you do have proof of your husband's affair, you do need to "confront" your husband. He needs to know---this helps set the clock in motion. Once the spouse knows, some of the fun (secrecy, fantasy) is gone from the affair.<P>When you confront, you don't want to use lovebusters. Try to "negotiate" him to end the affair (he may be completely unwilling). If he will not, let him know that you do not approve of the situation the way it is, but then continue the "Plan A" approach.

Just an update...I have been in counseling since May 1999 when I discovered the affair. I also take Prozac and Buspar plus Xanax for panic attacks...WHEW! <P>N<P>I have noticed from your other posts that we have a lot in common here. My H's OW lives 800 miles away. He's going on "vacation" the week of my birthday (March 11). Guess where to??? You got it...to visit OW. I was going to take that week off work to visit my best friend so maybe I wouldn't be depressed over my birthday, but he beat me to the punch. I would need him to stay with the kids, but he'll be doing much more important things. He has been living with his mom and dad for about a month now. But he calls me everyday and comes over to visit the kids, wants to know what I'm doing, etc. etc. Like he REALLY cares. I think he's just a lying jerk right now. He has become the most selfish, irresponsible person lately. I don't understand him anymore and he can't seem to understand my pain and frustration. Arrgh! I appreciate you posting. I hope we both find the peace and serenity we deserve. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Dear K<BR>What I meant about confronting was regarding his latest "Trip".We have already been through the Discovery ordeal last October and that is when he told me he wasn't prepared to give her up(Affair started around April).Obviously with her living away the limited contact makes it even more desirable.<BR>Dear Keridwen,<P>So your H has moved out??Mine is still at home enjoying the comfort zone,or as I see it, the headquarters of his "missions",which involve taking all sorts of complicated routes to eventually be with her for a day or two of "Stress free"time as he said when I asked what she had to offer.<BR>Believe me I am not the explosive type,in all our 12 years of marriage I have NEVER shouted ,screamed or exploded at mt H.I am not trying to jusify anything here and I am prpared to take responsibility for whatever unmet needs he has had.(I"ve had them too but I guess it doesn't matter?".We both love each other very much and are still in love.He has said he cannot bear to be away from me for long and is still in love with me.At this stage he also 'loves'another!!!<BR>I know he is torn and battling his guilt BUT it hasn't stopped him from seeking her again and again..A KILLER

Keridwen7,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He has become the most selfish, irresponsible person lately.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy, if I haven't said that before!!<P>I really don't have much to add, but to say that you are also in my prayers. It's hard to keep your sanity in such painful times, but you have proven that you are stronger than you think. Hang in there for as long as you can and know that you have our support.<P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{keridwen7}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited February 21, 2000).]