I'm new here....read Dr. Harley's "His Needs/Her Needs" at the suggestion of our marriage counselor. I've been visiting the site for a few months....there are a lot of wise folks here, I'm greatful for this. <P>Just a little background (if you want more, look at my profile). I have not had an affair and I'm sure neither has my wife. But, I do feel that I'm a prime canidate for one. For several years, many of my needs have not been met by my wife, began shortly after we were married. Although, she says I meet hers, except for the last year (not as affectionate as before). I've compensated for my needs through work and the kids. <P>Now, I need more...we started down this road to recovery 15 or so months ago. Everytime I begin to feel like we are moving forward, she seems to quit trying to meet my needs. She is a reactive person and only acts in a crisis. The last few years have been very difficult for me and within the last 12 months, I've realized that I'm a loney married person. <P>I know what the right thing to do is, and that's to stay. But, lately, I've felt compelled to leave...I want to go before I either mess things up with an affair (if King David did it, I'm not immuned to it; but, my guard is up) or slip totally into emotional numbness....(I'm probaly in early withdrawl now). <P>I need to know: <P>What can I do to get the desire to stay back? Has any one else been here, too? <P>Sometimes I feel so self-centered. Is it wrong to want/need your needs met? <P>How can you teach some one how to meet those needs? I've tried the direct approach (bluntness and positive reinforcement). But, never the less, I often hear: "I forgot" or "I didn't have time" or "You're just shallow" or "You never told me". <P>I could go on for a while, but, I'll stop here...Though, maybe I should just be thankful that neither of us has had an affair, yet. And pray that this relationship can be repaired...<P>I know many of you have dealt or are dealing with a cheating spouse and all the pain.(I've been married before to a cheating spouse; it was a long time ago and 99% of the pain has gone away with time). But, I really need your opinions or suggestions...I want to prevent history from repeating.<P>Thanks

nowhereman,<P>I'm heading to bed and your thread caught my eye.I'm going to be brief but I'll write more tomorrow...<P>Getr the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. It is the <B>BEST</B> self-help book I've read. I have read all of Dr.H's books this ones the best...<P><BR>More later,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi nowhereman,<P>Welcome to MB Infidelity Forum. We all have a friend here- Jim (posts as NSR) who has written a very helpful welcome post. Find it at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Talk later.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 22, 2000).]

nowhereman, I know this is a Harley forum, but I'm going to make a different suggestion.<P>Get the book "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. The book is wonderful and filled with suggestions as to how to effect change in your partner by changing the way in which you interact with her. Another suggestion I would have is to buy the "Light Your Fire" books by Ellen Kreidmann - there are two, one for each partner: "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" and they are fabulous. And my final reading suggestion is the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Chapman is a Christian counselor, but does not beat you over the head with religion in this book that offers insight into the way different people express affection.<P>Good reading and good luck. We are happy to see someone come here BEFORE any affair has begun! Keep reading and posting. And see if you can get your wife to read this site also... <P>My best to you!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Hey nowhereman,<P>I wish with all my heart that my H had done as you have done.<P>That is talk. Try to find out what to do when you feel this way.<P>My history is too long, and too complicated right now, suffice to say, I wish this with all my heart.<P>I only see divorce for me.<P>You will find the most amazing people here, people who are going through so much themselves, but so willing to give to others. I have been on the receiving end, so often.<P>We can, and will, help you. I thank you for coming here, before you had an affair. That says to me that you still love your spouse.<P>I'll keep in touch.<P>Jo

I salute you nowhereman. You are a very good person to be doing what you are trying to do.<P>My H knew he and we were having trouble for a long time before he began his affair. I didn't realize there was a problem on his part but was not happy either. I constantly mourn the fact that we could have fixed things and had such a wonderful marriage if we had just fixed things before he acted out his affair. Now, even though our relationship is somewhat better, our marriage is in my opinion ruined. We will never be what we could have been without his infidelity.<P>Talk to her. Make her your best friend again. There is so much more hope for you and your very lucky wife.

First of all, thank you for the responses. I wasn't expecting replies this quickly. <P>I really don't feel like my W is that lucky to have me, because the urge to leave is even stronger than yesterday....<P>I can tell she is trying to meet her perception of my needs...but she's focusing on the superficial...not what I'm looking for....I've tried to tell her what I need, but I guess she just doesn't understand or she refuses to understand or possibly can't understand.... <P>Plus, she just acts like nothing is wrong...playing "happy home"....so "sticky sweet". How can she act like we're so happy? Can't she ever bring-up our relationship to try and resolve issues? Most times when I do, she acts like I've blind-sided her? Doesn't she get it? Troubles don't disappear just because you ignore them, but this behavior fits into most of her others....reactive, reactive, reactive or avoidance, avoidance, advoidance. <P>(sorry for the bitterness; needed to vent)<P>She wants affection, but I just cannot bring myself to do more than a light kiss and a poor excuse of a hug....I need her to be a friend...she was once, but I feel like she pushed that aspect of our relationship away years ago. I'm really not sure if I am resisting rebuilding to protect myself or if I'm just being an unforgiving jerk. I've been down this road before and every time before when I've tried to rebuild I've been disappointed....am I learning from the past? <P>Although there's been no affairs, I feel a lack of emotional trust. The relationship has to be totally her way...her needs being met and her perception of my needs being met. I'm not sure if it's worth trying again, but I am sure that I'm starting to tire of all of this...<P>She & I have visited the LB section of the MB site....she seems to have memorized the list and goes through it every week....she knows my buttons to push....but, during the past few months instead of reacting, I just clam-up and brood....thank God for the kids...they do bring me joy! And small children make you stop sulking because they demand attention....They're the biggest reason WHY I'm still here. Great male role model, huh? Daddy wants to bail....<P>I'll get the books, I'll start reading, I'll hang in here and I'm sure I'll have new questions.<P>Sorry for this entry not being in a logical order and the bitterness...needed to put feelings into the open...needed some accountability to others to keep hanging in here...<P>Thanks

Nowhereman,<P>I have no answers for you.<P>Like you and your W, my H would not listen when I tried to discuss our marriage, and where I felt he wasn't meeting my needs. We talked about it so often, when I think back over the years.<BR>He always said he would work on 'it', but it never happened. He either chose to ignore it, or sweep it under the carpet, and hope it would go away. <P>Well, he had an affair, and I went away !!<P>My H is a huge conflict avoider, and I don't know how to say to him (so he understands) that dealing with things head on is always better than brooding and letting things fester. He never heard me, or really listened.<P>You can't make your W listen, and you can't make her hear. She needs to do that herself.<P>I hope you can find the way, that I couldn't. Would you please share it with me, so I know for next time...<P>take care of you, and your children. They need you right now.<P>Jo

nowhereman,<P>I have to agree with <B>terri</B> on her choice of books! Excelent!<P>You sound lik eyou may need a little hand-holding along the way...<P>If your current couseling is making the suggestionto visit here... you may consider having a few <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Talking to someone whose counceled so many along the MB lines is most beneficial. Post questions about the quality of this service... most will say it is <B>excellent</B>!<P>Best of luck... <P>Jim