Hi<P>I just wanted to tell you what happened.<P>My husband gave me a very sweet compliment in front of some of our friends (VERY unusual). It felt so good to hear something like that coming from him to me. Tears welled-up in my eyes...<P>I'm not sure if I got all "weepy" because I thought that what he said was "sweet", or if it was because I knew that I was so undeserving of that compliment (he said that I was a compassionate person and that I'm a great encourager).<P>I do know that I'm absolutely STARVED for my husband's approval. Just as a hungry person scrambles for tiny bread crumbs that are thrown onto a filthy floor, I scramble for approval and compliments from my husband. I am so desperate for my husband's adoration and approval. I would GLADLY lick the bottoms of my husband's shoes if that's where I thought that his adoration and approval for me were located. <P>Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not worthy to lick my husband's shoes...I'm a betrayer...I don't deserve to have any of my needs met.<P>I'm not trying to paint this horrid picture of my husband (he's a GOOD man). And, I'm not trying to have a "martyr" attitude. <P>Last night, my husband wanted to make love to me and I wouldn't let him. I have no physical desire right now. I'm so numb. So, of course I feel guilty for denying him...<P>I'm just so emotionally "raw" right now. I've been crying for days over silly things. I'm sure that some of you have experienced this: You've had a miserable MONTH. You've taken all you can take. You come home from work to prepare dinner and then...OOOPS! You break a glass and you immediately start to cry. Are you crying because you are minus one glass? Nope. You're crying because the broken glass was also "the straw that broke the camel's back". Does that make any sense?? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately. Even my friends are starting to notice that I'm "not myself".<P>Thanks for letting me ramble again. <P>Peace and love to all...<P>Jill

Jill, the only person who can fix you is you. I see from your profile that you are working with Steve Harley - I'd bet he's told you that you need to tell your husband about your affair so that you can both begin the healing process. And that the longer you wait to do so, the more difficult it will be.<P>If you are finding that your emotions are beginning to affect how you interact with others detrimentally, maybe you should consult your doctor about anti-depressants. Some people feel that drugs are a crutch, but, if you had a broken leg, you wouldn't try to walk without a crutch would you? Anti-depressants are to the healing of your emotional health as a crutch is to the healing of your leg... a way to continue on with real life while you are healing.<P>Jill, sometimes good people make poor choices. It doesn't make you a bad person. You just made a bad choice. You need to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, you won't be able to do that until you come clean ... you may find your husband may forgive you more easily than you may forgive yourself.<P>Your affair is a wound in your spirit. And keeping it a secret is like wearing an abrasive bandage on it ... it will keep rubbing the wound raw, keeping it hidden, protected, out of sight, but it never allows it to heal. Confessing your affair to your husband will remove that abrasive bandage and enable healing to start. Yes, it'll be painful. And there's no guarantee that he'll be "ok" about it. BUT you will continue to suffer from your shame until you bring this out into the open.<P>You deserve forgiveness if you are truly sorry for your actions. You need to allow your husband and then yourself the opportunity to grant you that forgiveness.<P>I wish you well.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Jill, <P>Hold it a minute! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>"Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not worthy to lick my husband's shoes...I'm a betrayer...I don't deserve to have any of my needs met"<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Your action was not worthy, but YOU are.<P>Everyone deserves to have their needs met. <P>If you get a speeding ticket would you quit driving forever? NO!<P>If you fail to meet your H needs would you quit trying? NO!<P>If H failed to meet your needs in the past do you want him to never try to meet your needs in the future? How about it? <P>You've been beating yourself up now for quit some time. You'll never heal if you don't take the steps to heal.<P>My H is a betrayer too. That doesn't keep me from loving him. (ok, sometimes I get mad and say I don't, but the love is there, occasionally my temper overshadows it)<P>I don't really know where I'm going here. I'm having a very bad night myself. <P>I guess what it all comes down to is this... <P>YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON who you did a bad thing and now you can't forgive yourself. <P>Do you hear me? YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!!! It's time to forgive yourself. Decide what your next step will be and then take that step. <P><BR> <P> <BR>

Jill,<P>I'll give it to you short and to the point...<P>Has God forgiven you? In the final analysis that is all that really matters.<P>You are for from a bad person...In fact I'd say that by humbling yourself on these bvoards you are a better person than most...<P>Put the bat down...<P>I've got a really good feeling that your H wo't kick you to the curb...Try not to let your fear control you...<P>Hang in there...You are in my prayers.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Good Morning, Jill!<P>The feelings that you are experiencing are caused by the guilt you feel. My husband had an affair, so I am sharing this with you from my perspective and what he had told me.<P>For several weeks before my husband confessed to me, I could tell something was wrong. My husband is normally very sweet and even-tempered, but I could see the changes. At least two people close to us even asked me if there was something wrong with him. None of us had any idea about the affair.<P>Still, the effects of it were eroding our relationship. Not because it was still going on, it was only a one-time encounter. But because he felt guilty (probably for the first time in his life) and he couldn't handle it. His confession probably saved our marriage from dying a slow death.<P>From reading your post, I can see that even though your affair is over, it is having a negative effect on your relationship and on you personally. I am glad that you are in counseling, and I know that you are torn about telling your husband.<P>I am not advising you to tell him, only sharing our experience. You made a mistake and it was a terrible mistake, BUT it was a mistake. Don't compound that mistake by letting it destroy your marriage and your life. It just sounds like to me that you can't live with the lies, and you know that your husband deserves more than that.<P>I can tell you from personal experience that a marriage can survive the truth. I personally don't believe that a marriage can be truly successful without it.<P>Wishing you all the best,<P>Peppermint

Jill,<P>I agree with Bill. Look to God for His grace and forgiveness. You will find it and you will find it overwhelmingly. His Grace is sufficient, believe me. (I don't mean don't tell your H, you need to tell him too, but start with God and accept His forgiveness). There is nothing like knowing we have sinned, in what could be said in the worst way and then also knowing in your heart and soul that God still loves you. My guess is, given appropriate time, you will experience that same love from your H. Don't expect it right away, only God is capable of perfect love and immediate forgiveness. But confessed in humility and repentance, odds are greatly in your favor that you will enjoy the marriage with your H that you have longed for.<P>That's my prayer for you,...and me.<P>Read Proverbs 3:5 & 6<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Hi Jill,<P>When I saw the title on this post I had a feeling it was yours. The guys are right, first sort it out spiritually. I was raised Catholic and they have a pretty good way of dealing with sin. First you confess, then you do your penance and provided you have a "firm resolve to sin no more" and that you are sorry for the sin, you are forgiven and go on with your life. Lord knows you seem sorry enough and as for the penance, it sounds like you have made yourself suffer enough.<P>Sounds to me like a compliment you deserved, surely you can accept that you do some things right. You really need to stop beating yourself up about this because you are beating yourself to no purpose. <P>Take care of yourself, I think you are a good person.

Jill, Jill, Jill,!<P>My God we should be pen pals! Please read my posts and see where my guilt and shame took me this weekend- you don't wanna go there!<P>I saw my psychiatrist this morning and we agree that it was my own low self-worth that dragged this whole mess on. First of all- it truly started it- instead of grieving my dad's death- I began an emotional affair with someone who was unavailable. I felt worthless enough to find someone who could really meet my needs- and turned my back on the one person who really could (my H). Then- once I confessed the affair and my H was over his shock and willing to move on- I kept the drama going: one reason I feel to be that I did not deserve to be in a loving, healthy marriage- I needed to continue to self-destruct. ALthough at the time I thought I had real feelings for the OP- I now know that I think I did just wanna end up in a room somewhere- without my H and kids as a sort of justified punishment. I would've done such permanent damage....what the hell was I thinking??<P>So, although I do feel like I have woken up from some extended bad dream- I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me to reclaim myself and my self-esteem. I cannot erase the pain I caused my H and my God I will hope to try- but I am not giving us any chance if I continue to be stuck in my self-sabotaging attitude and behaviors.<P>I think you should tell your husband- the honesty will be worth it in the long run. If you don't you will always think that whenever he professes his love to you that "he wouldn't really love me if he knew the truth". He will still love you- trust me- my H is still here and I can't begin to tell you the pain I caused him. <P>And then you can begin to heal the real problem: not your marriage..... but YOU.

Jill,<P>I really don't know what to advise you, but I can tell that you are really sorry for what you have done. Every one of us has made grievous mistakes in our marriages, but it just so happens that yours has the potential for some really hard consequences. <P>I can only say that I also wish that your relationship had never gone that far, but there is nothing that you can do about it now. Since you are working with Steve Harley, I think that the issue of if and when to discuss this with your husband should be decided between you and Steve. <P>As to your feelings of lack of worth, I have to say that your expressions of remorse are not the words of a worthless person. Anyone could end up in the same situation given the same set of circumstances. The difference between you and a worthless person is that you are convicted by the guilt of what you have done, a worthless person would be trying to justify what he/she had done. <P>In a way, the guilt over your actions has been good, in that it is showing you that what you did was wrong. Please try to not let the guilt over what you have done keep you from building your marriage. <P>What we all want, men and women alike, is intimacy from a spouse who accepts us as we are. It sounds like you really want approval from your husband, but think that if he really knew what you did, he would never approve of you. <P>The only suggestion I can offer you sounds kind of ambiguous. When you feel the guilt, remember that it is the guilt which separates you from a worthless person. I don't have any idea where your situation will end up, but I know that a person who is truly sorry for her mistakes is a person who is, in my opinion, a person of great worth.<P>I know that this is kind of rambling, but I am only trying to encourage you. If I have offended you in any way, please forgive me.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John