I know it has been discussed over and over on this forum about the spouse rewriting the history of the marriage. My ex did it, too. I have also seen comments about how they begin to believe it. My question is, will they believe it forever? 20 years from now, will these people still say they had a bad marriage and the OP had nothing to do with it? I would be interested in opinions. My ex has told so many lies, that he is confused and is lying about his lies. He contradicts himself constantly, with the lies getting worse until I should have never been born. First he said he had been unhappy for a little while (3 mos) and that has grown until he was unhappy our entire marriage. When he left he didn't know if he loved me, then said he loved me at one time, now says he never loved me.<P>Thanks<P>AD

Hi,<BR>in my case it ws different because although my H packed to leave, henever did, and there was no divorce, however he started seeing things differently again in about 3 months in reconciliation. All the things he had complained while the affair was on took a different perspective and he had trouble understanding how he "fabricated" many of the things he believed in at that time.<BR>In a case of separation there is this couple, they have been our friends for a long time. 6 years ago, there was an affair. the H left to leave with the ow. The same thing happened regarding rewriting history, many things that he was talking about had happened when we were present, and had never happened the way he was sayingm butnothing we could say could help at that time.<BR>They ended up divorcing. He lived with the ow for about 3 months. They were divorced for a little over one year. They remarried and when we talk about it he seems as puzzled as my H as to why his recolections of his married life while the affair was on were so extreme and in many cases unrealistic. So I guess the answer is probably not. I don't think they will believe it forever. But they do believe it at the time, and that's what we need to understand. What for us is not true or happened in a different way, for them is reality. I believe the need too justify their actions triggers some sort of defense mechanism that exagerates facts in a way that is credible for them. Their need to believe in this, makes it real and only after some time do they have a chance to think clear again.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

does anyone have any suggestions for trying to get the betrayer to see just how far out of wack their thinking has become. My H is out in left field, he says things about my behavior and personality that are opposite of the truth. H thinks that if he tells me that what he thinks is the truth then I have to consider that and fix myself.. Love busting or not I told him that I do not have any respect for his opinion of me at this time, because he has lost touch with reality.. and that is just one more THING he has in common with other adulterers... He does not like to think of himself as being like others that he thinks are immoral, and stupid. After all was said and done that evening he did decide to resume counceling with his councelor... A good step, even if it is a small one.......if he takes it.<BR>Any other informataion of the rewritng of history would be of much interest to me... I also have a girlfriend that refuses to admit the reality of her marriage so that she can divorce without guilt and be with the boyfriend.... I can not get through to her..

I guess my H is at the same stage. Received word at first he was unhappy for the past year, now he is up to the past ten years. I keep waiting for him to say he never was happy during the whole marriage. After reading your post I'm sure that comment will come also. The sad thing is they don't know how saying these things really hurt us. I guess my H is in the wrong profession. Maybe he should take up acting. He sure fooled me...(if this is true)for 28 years....

A.D.,<BR> I truly believe their head is in another place.My W and I traveled everywhere,and did everything together for 22 years.But now,she says it was all a big act.For 22 years?Does she really expect me to believe that?I told her if that was true,she should either head to Hollywood,or seek serious,professional help.But isn't it astounding how she didn't feel this way,until she had an affair?I think just being with another man screwed her head up.After reading all these posts here,it's always the same,"We married too young","I don't love you like a husband/wife","We've grown apart","We're not compatible".Have you seen the redundancy here?It's in the best interests of the affairee to re-write marital history to justify their new relationship.After a while,I think they believe it.But I have the same question about the future.Do they believe it forever?Do they have doubts if the affair burns out?Or can they just so easily forget the past?I guess time will tell. --Murph

Since H got back, I'm discovering that his memory started returning a few months ago. Things aren't as clear as I'd like, but I'm getting apologies "I told some terrible lies about you and about us. I don't know why, Honey, but I BELIEVED what I was saying at the time." I don't say anything, he's working it out on his own and it just comes up sometimes.<P>My brother had an affair that cost him his marriage about 11 years ago. He's remarried now to another wonderful woman (yes, I loved my first SIL as well). I remember the tales of his first marriage during his affair and after he and w split and remember being so upset that my brother had to live like that! HE remembers the difference now. He knows now that his memory and thinking was clouded. In fact, for all Plan A-ers out there, here's one of the things he said to me during this mess. (BTW, took him 2 years to come to his senses.)<P>"I do love MF (current wife) and you know that. She's a wonderful woman. But, you know, there's not a day that goes by when I look in the mirror that I don't think about what happened with me and S - 10 years later and it still hurts that I could have been that kind of man - I'm still ashamed. I alway HATED that kind of man. I've called to apologize to her more than once. It sounds strange, but I really did love her, I just lost site of MYSELF during that time and everything else went with it. I've been watching you and how you feel about and deal with H through all this mess and I'm amazed. You seem to understand that he's not in his right mind. I may well have come out of it a lot sooner had S felt that way. But I was despicable and hurt her terribly and by the time that I finally came "alive" again, she was so full of venom, there was no chance for us. She hated me and I can't say it wasn't for good reason. But, watching you two, I wonder what might have been....we'll never know."<P>To this day, even after a lot of therapy, he can tell you the "whats", but not the "whys". Seems he's learned that sometimes there's no way to understand all those whys. But, from him and others, I've learned that rewriting your history together is just part of it and they actually BELIEVE what they're saying at the time - that's what they remember and what they see. But for a number of them, the real memories do slowly return.<P>I know those memories are returning for H now.<P>Lori

Already Divorced,<P>What difference does it make at this point. You know what you felt. Don't be caught up in his lies.<P>Please take this is the vain it is ment. I can hear the pain in your posts and would like to help.<BR> You are not disengaging from your x husband. You are still caught up in his life. You need to move on with your life and be there for your kids. I can understand that you still may love your x, but you can not heal until you move on.<P>Maybe I didn't love my x like you love yours and thats why it was easy for me to move on. But I refuse to live my life through her, and worring about what she says about me or what she does. Those are things that I can do nothing about. Most people that know you already know the truth.<P>Repair the things were you were to blame. You can't fix your x or stop him from saying and doing things..<P>I read what I thought was a good book. It is "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher.

AD-<P>In my case as the betrayer, I always felt that our marriage was not full of just bad or all of just good. As in most relationships there was the eb and flow of good and the problems that any couple has that I've come to believe is more common than not.<P>Ours communication problems (Could talk about the easy stuff...what color the new car should be...Could <BR>not talk about the difficult stuff...Emotional Needs/Wants)and denial of those problems caused a polarization between us that we both have to take responsibility for allowing to go on way too long that really did put poison in our relationship.<P>After the last 8 years of our marriage being, 8 years of polizarization and 8 years of my wife telling me to forget about us in a sensual way...I strayed.<P>After discovery (I came forward about my actions)I saw more of how I had contributed to our issues and problems rather than a sweeping revision that all had been bad from the beginning.<P>After discovery, the anger my wife felt was so dominant that her frustrations and regrets seemed to come out and convey a "Its been very bad from the start" kind of feeling on her part.<P>The anger she felt and displayed was overpowering and Plan A only lasted 60 days...I slipped once after discovery and the start of recovery and had <BR>contact with the OW...My wife asked for me to immediately leave and move out and started a Plan B by default that did not provide the process that is part of what MB stands for. "Plan B" began and 7 days after the star of "Plan B" she filed and I was served the papers.<P>So a different perspective for your question.I've taken complete responsibility for my actions and behavior <BR>and still feel that we had some very very good times in our 17 years and that all those years were not a mistake or bad from the beginning.<P>mrrlk

My H did the same thing - first he had felt that way for weeks, maybe months - then it was years - sometimes 5, sometimes 10. Then he told the kids he made a mistake marrying me. He said something to our daughter about making a mistake when he was young - yet he was 30 when we married. Since when is 30 too young to get married? Now he claims that if we had faced our problems many years ago, we would have been divorced back then. Apparently our problems were bad enough to be insurmountable even if dealt with early on, yet not so bad that he couldn't ignore them for 24 years. <P>I also often wonder if he will believe it forever. The affair has lasted about 16 or 17 months, and he has been gone for a year, and he isn't getting any better.

My H has been unfaithful on and off throughout our 20 years of marriage, he confessed to an emotional affair (was physical) 4 years ago, and then 2 years later had another affair, which has been over for 9 months.. also recently confessed that emotional affair continued with phone conversation throught these 4 years( she is so understanding) I have a long way to go to feel any security and do not feel that I can begin to gain security in H until he starts to see our marriage for what it really was....I am not under the impression that we have had a good marriage, but knowing what I know now I am surprised it has been as good as it was. I pray that H will be able to overcome whatever it is that lets him be unfaithful, and that our marriage will last a lifetime..We are both christians, I think.