What happens after the affair, after the recovery? He did everything he needed to do to help me get better, and I mean everything. We even had the deal that alot of others do where we felt the marraige was better and i was more in love than ever BUT NOW it is gone again. I am scared. I feel just like I did before the affair, like I know something is wrong. I cannot really reach him....What is happening? Am I paranoid that things are back to the way they were before our counseling or are they really that way????Is this a paraniod effect of having lived through the awful experience of having been cheated on or is it true?? Are things back to bad...like he was just being a certain way to get me through it and him over his guilt and now that he did that he can go back to being his disfunctional self?????

Hi Forever:<P>Welcome. You will get a lot of great support and advice on this site. The "veterans" have some really great insight.<P>My one question to you, is have you talked to him about the way you're feeling? I take it during your recovery time that you and your H learned how to communicate better with one another? Did that fall by the wayside at some point?<P>Maybe you need to work at trying to get the communications open again. Believe me, by no means am I an expert here, just letting you know there are listening ears out here (or reading eyes... )<P>I am only into recovery for a month and two days. Found out about my H's affair on Jan. 20th - we were in counseling within a week.<P>I wish you the best of luck. You have our thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated on your progress. I hope that you can regain what you've experienced in the past couple of years in recovery and that you can feel comfortable again.<P>Thoughts are with you...purplemag

Purplemag,<P>Thank you for responding to my question and your thoughtful words. <BR>Yes, we have spoken about it and he does admit that he became too involved in work and although we spend a lot of time together it has made a laspe in our relationship. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. I sence that there is more. He is not cheating but, he seems to be at the place were he was before that made him feel so bad about himself that he felt he needed to do something destructive to his life (cheating). This time it could be anything..he could cheat again, or find some other destructive behavior. luckily he does not drink, smoke or do drugs which may seem lucky but I would know how to handle those destructions. What could be in store this time. I think that we should go back to the counselor and see.<P>Now, about you! Oh my gosh...you have only been in this for a short time and your letter seemed so calm and giving. At that stage for me I couldn't have wished anyone well, I was so devestated. What about you and your story? What do you think is happening or will happen?<P>Forever

Forever,<P>Purplemag gave good advice. Don't start asking the what if's....it will only pull you down. You'll find yourself starting to make assumptions about your H's actions and then you may not be able to "hear" what he may be saying. Try writing a letter to him telling him how you feel- be descriptive- but don't point the finger at him "you said this and I feel this and you should do that..." Just say "I am scared about .....or I feel like.....". And ask your H to write you a letter back describing his feelings. It has really helped my H and I. My H writes better than he talks!<P>Has your H been able to forgive himself and allow himself to move forward? The Betrayer also needs to lift the weight off by self discovery and forgiveness.<P>Your H is not out of the water until he does some self discovery and practices what he has learned. There really isn't much you can do but follow Plan A and Practice Good Communication skills. Not all counselors give you the skills you will need in that area. Don't hesitate to look into the book<BR>Fighting for Your Marriage. It really helps you learn how to practice- day by day- those good techniques. <P>But do yourself a favor and don't let your mind wander on the negative- think positive actions and you will get positive results. And if you do relapse...don't let him know it-follow planA.<P>