I spoke with a counselor at Focus on the Family yesterday. Given my responses to questions that I answered concerning our relationship, she immediately aske me if I knew what bipolar was. I responded with yes and that she had some of the symptoms of being bipolar. I went on to add that I thought she might suffer from multiple personality disorder.<P>After we finished, she recommended I get more counseling which I agree with. She prayed for my family and each of us individually. She agrees that what my W needs is a personal relationship with Jesus to solve all her problems. She wouldn't feel the way that she does if she really knew Him because we would be on one accord. This is why I can't fault her because she is totally deluded in her thinking which is purely selfish. Jesus came to serve not to be served because He served first. My W expects to receive something in return. I don't want to receive anything in return. I just want her to be what she professes to be.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Rob:<P>Did this counselor actually talk with your wife??<P>No offense, but most qualified counselor will NOT diagnose someone who they haven't seen. And then for this counselor to suspect a bipolar disorder (biochemical based), and then say that a personal relationship with Jesus would solve all her problems---well, it sounds more like quackery.<P>I think your wife would benefit from counseling as well (from what you describe). And that medication would help her. As would her returning to her Faith. But you've got to walk a tight line here---telling your wife that she's "crazy" and needs help is often perceived as a lovebuster...

Thank you, K, for this posting. Because if you hadn't said it, I would have had to, and then I would have been accused of Christian-bashing.<P>Anyone who diagnoses someone based on what someone else says is being unprofessional and unethical.<P>Seems to me also that Focus on the Family is more concerned with what's on TV than with people.<P>Rob, your wife has had 8 affairs in six years. Clearly she has some sort of problem. Clearly your constant admonitions to find Jesus are not working. (They'd drive ME crazy.)<P>If what you're doing isn't working, try something else. Maybe lighten up a bit?

The counselor only confirmed what I had already concluded from trying to find and answer to her behavior. I saw a show where biploar was discussed with professionals who said that the family members are the first to be aware of such a disorder. She only responded to her needing to develope a closer relationship with Jesus because that is a major source of my W's conflict. She wants to be the devout Christian but continues to do what she knows is against His will.<P>I would be crazy if I tried to keep two diametrically opposed views in my head simultaneously: that is adhering to both. You have to chose one or the other which is covered in the Bible.<P>I haven't been bashing her with her lack of adherence to what she says she believes. I do get annoyed when I am told that I don't act like a Christian when I am not knowingly going around breaking commandments and nearly having a nervous breakdown because I am trying to live two lives that are at odds with each other. She says she believes in God but believing is not what makes you saved. <P><B>I have stopped bringing it up unless she brings it up. However, in the humblest possible manner, I do correct any errors because it is a sin not to do something as much as it is a sin to do something that is a sin.</B><P>I have only corrected her from the stance about when is divorce is proper: when the betrayed has a hard heart which results from the adultery and when an unbeliever leaves (abandons) a believer. I don't have a hard heart and I am not an unbeliever. It is not judging her, it is judging her actions. Her actions are what is the problem here. She is the controller of her actions. She has to be responsible for the mess that she created and she is the ONLY one who can clear it up by doing what is right.<P>I am sure that I have come on a littel string here. Please forgive me if I did. I am just a little passionate about the truth because it alleviates the problems that she is having.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <P>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited February 23, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited February 23, 2000).]

From your wife's behavior, I wondered also if she is bipolar. Although K is right, that she would need to be diagnosed directly, and not through a 3rd party, it may be helpful information for you to, regardless.<P>There are support groups online for spouses of people who are bipolar. It is possible your wife isn't, but if she is - it isn't the end of the world. In fact, my sister is bipolar, and she has now found the correct combination of medication and lives a very good life.<P>Your wife seemed to respond to meds they gave her. I think - you need to find out how to tactfully and without lovebusters explore this possibility, and also learn how to support and live with someone with this mental disease.<P>It can be very difficult to maintain a balance living with someone who is bipolar. My brother in law has lost all his hair No, actually - he lost his hair because it is in his genes.... but, you get my drift.<P>My sister is a wonderful intelligent and caring person, who is doing real well with medication. <P>Explore this possibility, and I do hope that this information can really help you and your wife get back on track.<P>God Bless You, and don't get defensive.<BR>TNT

Dazed, was it your counselor who thought perhaps your husband was narcisstic? Didn't that knowledge as a possibility (not a diagnosis) help you in understanding and working with your husband? <P>Don't clobber Rob, please.<P>TNT

Professorg,<P>My wife has been diagnosed as bipolar, a condition which has caused considerable stress in our marriage. Not as much pain as you situation (8 affairs in 6 years, man, you gotta be a saint to endure that!)<P>Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder. She may seem to have a different personality when she is manic than when she is depressive, but she if she is aware of these two aspects of herself then it's clearly a change in mood, not personality. <P>Your wife must see a doctor, preferrably a psychiatrist, about her health. Beware of non-professional armchair diagnosis, that may serve to scare your wife off, rather than help her.<P>Multiple personality disorder is quite a different thing. When someone with this condition is in a one personality, she usually doesn't remember her alternative personalities. There is almost always a history of severe sexual and/or physical abuse in childhood in the person.<P>

Connie,<BR>Thanks for the support. I know I can't rely on the counselors assesment totally. I was just amazed that she came to that conclusion from the little that I told her. I can only assume that she would start there.<P>She is already seeing a psychologist for her counselling and a psychiatrist for the antidepressants she is on. I can only hope that the psychologist determines what is going on. I don't know when her next appointment is. She still shows signs of being bipolar.<P>Kenneth,<BR>I have seen her mood swings but think that she may suffer from multiple personality disorder because she has suffered childhood sexual abuse. I know that it is a defense mechanism that some are capable of invoking under the right circumstances. I am praying that the psychologist will want to talk with me after he has delved into her problems to see that things are not well between us.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Rob,<P>I'll send out prayers for you and your wife tonight!! God has given unto us the spirit of love, power, and a SOUND MIND!! Keep your faith, continue to do as you have been. If your W is indeed bipolar or has a multi-personality disorder, I do believe that meds is the best thing for her at this time and maybe in due time as her relationship with God progresses she can be set free from this diorder permnently. I believe in miracles. God is able to do the un thinkable!! <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Just did a little research on Bipolar Disorder and it appears that my W has been suffering from some of these symptoms in varying degrees our entire marriage. It even suggested that her infidelity is related to the disorder. However, I didn't remember reading that when I researched the topic the first time.<P>I just hope that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are uncovering whatever her problem is. I haven't asked her many questions about her treatment. I don't want to upset her. She has been going through really irritable bouts lately when she appeared to be okay when she came throught the door. This is not a pleasant thing to have to deal with particularly when you are wanting to cuddle.<P>She has since our trip to my brother's this past weekend allowed me to massage her feet and calves. I enjoy being nice and all but I haven't been intimate with her since 30 May 1999. I guess I must get psyched about not being able to touch her intimately again or until the doctors get her to a more balanced state.<P>She is currently on effexor xr for the depression. Read a little on this drug. One of the side effects is sexual disfunction. I am praying this isn't the case. I don't like this disorder. <B>I now understand the counselor's little story about her friend's counselor saying that the friend couldn't love the counselor enough to make the counselor see (the counselor was blind.)</B><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

professorg,<BR> Can you clarify some of the symptoms of a bipolar condition?Is it just mood swings or is there more?How do they diagnose between that and multiple personality disorder?My W could go from being like a nice little girl,to a mean b!tch.Now she feels like she was acting for years,and has assumed a new identity.Guess I'll never understand this.Concerning your W,I read somewhere that sexual abuse at a young age could also lead to a sexual addiction(multiple affairs?).Maybe as you learn more about these conditions,you could share them with us.It could be helpful.I hope your W can get some help.Take care.

Murphy,<BR>Here is what I found. Most of this applies. For a long time she showed many of these signs though I wasn't totally cognizant of it then. I had a friend who said that she needed help at the beginning of our marriage.<P><A HREF="http://health.excite.com/content/dmk/dmk_article_5461965" TARGET=_blank>How is Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?</A><P><A HREF="http://health.excite.com/content/dmk/dmk_article_3961398" TARGET=_blank>Easy to miss, Essential to treat</A><P><A HREF="http://adam.excite.com/info/?id=001528" TARGET=_blank>Bipolar affective disorder</A><P>I also know that sexual abuse as a child and continued sexaul abuse could lead to MPD because it is a defense mechanism. Yet, given what I read last night she appears to be showing more signs of this disorder than multiple personalities. I am pretty sure she has definitely two states that says bipolar is the case. Yet, at one time I had come to the conclusion that she has at least three personalities that she goes through: an evil one, an innocent one, and a nonresponsive complacent existing one. <P>Will be researching MPD today hopefully. I have lots of work to catch up on. <P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net