Ya know,<P>I hate to be so contrary to the general theme of Plan A and Plan B, and I know everyone is trying really hard to make their marriages work, but.....<P>At some point, don't you just feel like too much damage has been done?<P>Isn't continuing on such plans just avoiding reality and preventing you from going on with your life?<P>I have tried, but I have to say, a long term plan A is not for me. I mean, my God, it's bad enough that my self esteem is in the toilet from being cheated on, now I have to be nice and understanding, with no positive feedback at all? It's like a dog that always goes to the person who absuses it. <P>I also have to keep this up for about six months? I am sorry, but I will not subject myself to that kind of punishment. I have done so since November, and it is too painful. I know I made mistakes, but I am not going to continue to punish myself for them. It is not healthy.<P>I have also been advised to not date so that if she does come back, I will not have been depositing love units into someone elses love bank, and vica versa. <P>Well guess what, I want to have some love units deposited in my bank for a change! Why should the betrayer continually be the one who is being loved, (by two people) while the betrayed gives and gives and receives nothing in return?<P>A suggestion has been to go on Meds. Is it me, or is there something fundamentally wrong with a plan that is so painful that Meds are a part of it? It's like watching football and the running backs get oxygen after a play; there is something just not right about it.<P>I will continue to pursue my ex, but I will not be a doormat, and I also thing taking care of yourself should mean seeing other people after a certain period of time. I am only human, I deserve to me treated with some love and respect for a change.<P>Sorry to vent like this, I just think that after a while enough is enough, and you need to look out for yourself.<P>To all those steadfast into Plan A and Plan B:<P>God Bless You, you are much better people then I , and I truly hope you can all make your marriages work. <P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JJ

JJ <P>Can I tell you, I felt the exact same way yesterday. It felt like I wrote your thread myself.<P>Today, after a good conversation which included not one hint of ever reconciling, just hearing H's kind voice instead of the monster voice, I felt my love overcome me again. Now if you read my thread today, you'll know why.<P>Yes the plan is somewhat of a self esteem killer. ALmost like the problems we suffer, being the betrayed, make us needy and yes a door mat. Who would want to love someone like that , right?<P>I am bouncing from Plan A to Plan Survival each day. I will honestly say that I have dated a few times, and it was what I needed at the moment. I am also talking to someone else that I met. Taking it slow, but hey, if a betrayer can do all this to us, then someday they change their mind, they can forgive, as we haven't done the unthinkable. I don't consider what I am doing an affair, nor do I think what some other people on here who have been on Plan A for 2 years, and now are "talking" to OM, is wrong in the least. Quite honestly I admire it. We are all human.<P>What is to say that as a betrayed spouse, we don't deserve to feel this happy feeling that the wayward feels . 2 wrongs don't make a right, but we are all only human.<P>We all deserve to be happy and not have our self esteem in the toilet.<P>Cheer up, guess what, tomorrow, you may feel totally different again, its all part of the roller coaster, which reminds me, where is the person named Roller Coaster, haven't seen in a while.<P>Day to day I change my mind, we all do, its human nature. We also seem to react to how our spouse is treating us, like we just have no choice but to go with their lead. I know I do this every day.<P>Prayers go out to you, and I will check your thread later to see if you are any more encouraged on this.<BR>Dana<BR>

I think each of us have to decide how much we are willing and able to put up with. Your tolerance may be different than mine. I have two kids, which makes willing to put up with more than I might otherwise, as long as I still feel hope.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is it me, or is there something fundamentally wrong with a plan that is so painful that Meds are a part of it? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you need pain meds after surgery, don't you?<P>Again, I think a lot of it is individual tolerance. I'm not quite 2 months along...we'll see...<BR>Kathi

Jersey Joe,<P>I think you missed the point about Plan A and Plan B. They are really for you. Consider this. Plan A is let the spouse see another side of you. It does not mean that you cannot express an opinion or respond to things the spouse does. It means you do it in a non-confrontational manner, no LB's. It means that you are going to leave the spouse with good memories of their interaction with you. It will not end the affair.<P>It will set the stage for you to recover your marriage if the spouse gets out of the affair. You provide an attractive alternative. It also means you are willing to changes things that have set the stage for the spouse to have an affair. How long? Everything I have read here it is for as long as you can. When you feel the love of your spouse diminishing then Plan B is the next step.<P>Plan B again isn't to really bring the spouse back, but it does offer them a view of what life without you will be. It also means that you have not or will not harm the good image you left while in Plan A. As some of the experts have said, Plan B also prepares you for two things: recovery of marriage or the divorce. You see when in Plan B you remain until your really don't want to pursue this any longer. You are used to being on your own, your are used to being without spouse, and you have given your marriage the best chance of recovery you can. <P>However, you will know and be able to tell if it is time for divorce and you will be in a much better mental state for a divorce if it occurs. <P>So I repeat Plan A and Plan B are for you and you and only you can set the time scales. They are there to give you the best chance of recovery of your marriage or recovery in the case of divorce.<P>Go back and reread the Plan A and Plan B material with this idea in mind and I think it will make more sense.<P>Hope this helped.<P>JL