Hi friends on the forum,<P>I am in a rush today but will sign on later to answer some of your posts as well.<P>I just talked to H for half an hour. ABout the kids, and the pending divorce, child support. He was extremely cooperative. He is thinking a little more clear this week. He only wants visitation and the computer. I am going to settle with him eventually and get web tv to keep in touch.<P>The point is this, yesterday, I could have went on without him forever. Now today I heard his voice, and the NICE H I fell in love with and I am crying. I did do a perfect Plan A during this call!! I am SO proud of that. <P>All we talked of was kids and court, but it was good. He keeps saying I left him no choice with the divorce, but I told him there is a choice, just do a legal seperation. SO anyhow, this is my question.<P>Is it too late to try Plan A? He said he hadn't contacted me because my lawyer told his lawyer to tell him not to harass me so much. The time apart was good anyhow. I wonder if he misses me at all? I wonder if he thinks of me or is this affair so much in full force, he is just happy with life.<P>Should I do Plan A until divorce? Veterans, if you have, please let me know too. Thanks to all and prayers are with you today. <P>Dana<BR>

I'm so glad you were able to plan A your first conversation. I tried very hard to be a pleasant person going through my divorce because I didn't want to look back and see myself as a "b###h". However, I just want to caution you to keep your eyes open and be prepared for anything-- eventhough your spouse sounds polite today, doesn't mean it will stay like that as the proceedings continue. Just be yourself, protect you and your children financially, but keep your guard up. Remember, he has the OW helping him make decisions. Been there and its hard, but I kept my dignity and self respect during the divorce and he was not able to walk away without seeing a whole new side to me-I was't the pushover he thought! He also just wanted his tool, but as time went on, he wanted our house for him and theOW, and when it came down to the money,,there was a whole turn in the personality! They say crisis brings out the true character of a person--let yours shine as a person of worth and dignity!

Hi, I just spoke to his grandma (who he has disowned, her and I were always close), well, here's the situation.<P>His grandma believes her daughter (H's mom) was behind a lot of this. Meaning she knew before I did. The whole family has been divided. It is terrible. Found out the H and OW is going to las vegas w/his mom and his brother. He always wanted to take me there, he went twice, we never had the money. Don't understand at all.<P>I agree, he was nice because he is up to no good. Stupid me for getting into the wrong mode again. I will still Plan A til the end, if anything to make OW look like the B*tch when she Sh*t hits the fan one day. <P>It sounds like you are divorced now? What became of the OW, if I may ask?<BR>

I have been divorced 2 1/2 yrs. Ex moved in with OW 6 wks after divorce, and they are still together, although it has not been a total bed of roses. There was a brief period where he told my daughter's counselor he thought we would probably get back together, but that was over a yr ago, and he has since changed his mind. My daughter doesn't seem to think this is the love of his life, and although they are still living together , ther doesn't seem to be any move for them to get married. She does appear to be a little intimidated by me, although we haven't been introduced or spoken to each other. My ex had to cancel his old voicemail, that I was to use to discuss our children, because she didn't like me having that much access to him. I wish I would have known about PlanA andB when I was going through my divorce, because now I see all the mistakes I made and maybe I could have salvaged my marriage. The only hope I have is doing a Plan A whenever I have the opportunity. I hope things work out for you and all the others here who are struggling. All I know is that divorce doesn't get rid of or solve all the problems-it just adds new ones for everyone involved.

I just talked to H again. He called about a finance situation for us, basically we have 2 cars, one is too expensive, one is older, we'd like to even it out a bit before divorce.<P>We talked about some things that made me feel better. He claimed I controlled the money in the past, I reminded him it was because he refused to handle bills. Now he has to do it on his own again and remembered how I got in charge again in the first place (where before it was a reason to leave me).<P>I made a comment that I wish he hadn't ended things this way and he said that had he told me earlier, would I have fought so hard for the marriage (in all honesty, i might not have). I told him at this point, I still love him very much and I will be here when he is ready to work this out. If unfortunately we are divorced at that point, then we remarry, its not that big of a deal, compared to reuniting one day. He was shocked, he thought I would have had it with him.<P>I told him, that new feeling with her will wear off, I have ten years ahead of her, i gave him 3 kids, and a lifetime of love and faith. Sooner or later, he and she will both see she can never LIVE UP to me, and when they fight, he will miss me more. I told him that when he fights with her, to think of me and what he has waiting for him one day. He was in shock. He admitted last week they got in a huge fight cause he called her by my name. (her name is laura and I am Dana, so not much similarity There).<P>Anyway, all in all, it was a good conversation, he told me that he was surprised I didn't hate him yet. <P>Well thats it, I plan A'd as much as I can. NOw am heading to the store to buy "surviving an affair"<P><BR>

Dana,<P>Just because he wants a divorce doesn'tr mean plan-b...You have to establish a consistant plan-a for a time before you can go to plan-b...<P>To make plan-a easier only worry about not doing the following<BR>Angry Outbursts<BR>Disrespectful Judgements<BR>Selfishdemsnds<BR>and Dishonesty<P>That is the main goal...if you can meet ant emotional needs great...You must estanlish a solid track record not lovebusting...You will be biting your tongue so badly sometimes..Just don't LB..<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<BR>other titles by Dr. Harley can be found at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A><P>It helped me more than <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley...<P>Ask all the questions you want...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill, <P>I just bought SAA because I read your post too late, . But I will read this and then get that one. So far, I read the first chapter right in the book store. It appears the book sounds like its for people who BOTH are involved in saving the marriage, but in my case, its just me .<P>Maybe I can Plan A longer and do the best I can. To me Plan B will be pointless as divorce is already in process. I thought Plan B was to force the wayward into making a decision and protect the betrayed feelings. My poor feelings are shot regardless.<P>He has improved, when he calls he now says "hi, can I talk to the kids", instead of "kids there". To me, that felt a little better. I asked him if I "popped" into his mind ever and he said all the time, wherever he goes, its something we've done or been. Good I hope he is feeling guilty. Sorry but its true.<P>I can't believe his mom is in the middle of it all. Oh well, thats inlaws for ya.<P>Bill, I know you are on Plan B, as I watch your post, how are you today?<P>TTYL Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I forgot your H got the divorce train rolling...Stall it at every turn...Keep up your plan-a to the best of your abilities...I'm going to do a search and find the thread that changed my out look on things...<P>Another good book is Divorce Busting...It show how one spouce can save a marriage...<P>I'm doing conciderably well...My W is sick as hell still...she and LRB (little rat [censored], incase you were wondering) have been meking plan to redecorate my house or I ahould say my old house, I do still own it. It is now her love shack when my D isn't there...She has yet to mention divorce to me, but I know she is thinking that she has done too much dasmage to rebuild..Hell it would be easier to start over...I don't want to...I have 8 years of my life invested in this, and I have the rest of my life bet on it...So I'll wait for her to come to jer senses...Today I go see my attorney, I'm going to file for legal seperation, so I can put custody issues on record and the division of some of our worldly possesion...Do I want to do this...Lets just say I've been putting it off since Oct 8...I need to do it now so I can stay on top of the situation...Mentaly and emotionaly, I'm getting back to my old self, or I should say my new self...LOL...I am a changed for the better person because of this...<P>Hang in there and read all you can about this terrible thing called infidelity...It will make your H actions much more predictable..<P>Thanks for letting me ramble on your thread,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>is Divorce Busting a Harley book? I went to Barnes and Noble twice and only and I got the last copy of His needs/her needs a few weeks ago, and yesterday got the last copy of surving an affair. I love to read and educate myself (although this topic is getting old). So I will check it out.<P>I wanted a legal seperation too, but H has a bad lawyer. We talked a little yesterday, he is getting a cheap deal, claims lawyer is a friend (its a friend of OW family). But you get what you pay for. He was shocked to find out my lawyer is 160 per hour (ouch for a single mom with 3 kids and no support coming in).<P>I was LMAO at your abbreviation for OM, LRB!! I sometimes think the abbreviations on here are entirely "too" kind!.<P>I am going to rename OW too. Haven't come up with much yet. My H always called her IT in the early stages (well weeks 1-4). We're in weeks 5-9 now. <P>That must be hard, her in the house with LRB, I can see how that would make you ill. I hope she is not exposing your child to it. The LRB has a lot of nerve, breaking up a family and showing his face in the neighborhood like that. My H was "careful" in the beginning, but now he has no shame either. He brings OW to my house to pick up my kids, and beeps as he leaves. The whole neighborhood is watching out the window. It all makes me ill.<P>I was thinking about your comments about the damage the betrayed goes through during this whole affair, I think it was either you or Jersey Joe, or maybe both who were discussing it. It certainly feels like we put up with A LOT to save a marraige. Not many on here, discuss being betrayed and being tempted to find someone else during all this. Have you ever felt that way? I tried looking for opinions on it but I got a lot of heat on it. I find it hard to believe all of us "betrayed" out here and I am the only one, thinking about other men, moving on, or just doing what I have to do to get some of my needs met. Thats when I feel I don't belong here, and should try another approach.<P>All I am saying is I am so tired about hearing all the needs that have to be met, and when just one is unmet it opens the door for an affair. For crying out loud, show some respect for yourself and your spouse, if you are not totally satisfied, maybe you are the problem and if you told your spouse instead of cheating, things would be great now. I feel like all I do is think about H's needs, what I did wrong and how I am suffering while he is in la la land. I wish there were more posts on this, but I don't dare start one!!<P>I saw a post that I must have missed by Arik where he decided not to post. I missed the whole thread before that and didn't understand much of what was going on, but I don't need any more pain then I have.<P>I am plan Aing for now. As best as I can. I can't say I am going to just put my needs aside any more though. Believe it or not, this site, fills my emotional need for conversation. So does that mean I am having an internet affair? No, but it makes me wonder. Is it fair to put the burden of so many needs being met on one person. Yes we marry but aren't we ultimately responsible for our own happiness? If we strive to make others happy, it will come back to us. I feel so burdened, I don't know if I can live up to H or any other man for that matter, after knowing what I do now.<P>OK< so thanks for letting me vent to you all. My mind is rambling today. Maybe I will dare to post a thread today on some of this!! Prayers to you all, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>Divorce Busting is by Michelle Weiner-Davis...<P>It really does stink that our marriages have come to this...We do all the work get no needs met and our spouces are out having a seemingly good time..Yes I do think about finding someone to hang out with, to put it mildly, however I would only wind up using them...And I may ruin any chance to put my family back together...<P>I'm going to find that thread for you now...<P>Hang in there, I am,<P>Bill <P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html</A> <P><BR>Read Genie29's responce it is brilliant...Also go to The just found out board NSR has a thread called noteable posts...Check out SUSE Pontificates...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>