This morning, in Dr. Billy Graham's column, the letter was from someone who asked what was wrong with having an affair, if the marriage was not all that one hoped it to be. This person went on to say that he didn't see anything wrong with it, as long as one was discreet and didn't make a big deal out of it.<P>This letter hit home with me, as that is the way I believe my H feels, although he hasn't come out and said so. I guess that is one of the reasons I'm still having problems with trusting him. If someone feels this way, what's to keep him from doing the same thing again if he thinks he can get away with it?<P>What do y'all think?

Hi, Sweetpea...Just popped in for a sec, but your post really hit home with me. About a month or so after discovery, W and I were talking and I flat out asked her if she felt that it was OK for a married person to have sex with someone else w/o the spouse's permission or knowledge. She told me that in some cases she thought it was OK(evidently she felt her's was one of those cases). I think this relates back to the fantasy land betrayers live in.<P>--DeWayne--

Why do you think your husband feels this way? <P>Seems to me that he really doesn't feel this way, he really gets motivated by guilt. He would rather pretend it didn't happen. I don't think he feels that affairs are okay, as long as they are discreet. I think your husband wishes it never happened, and wishes you never knew, so he wouldn't have the guilt to deal with.<P>hugs to you, I hate those triggers.<BR>TNT<P>

Well, TNT, if I thought it only happened one time, I might agree with you that my H feels guilty. Of course, guilt might account for the emotional abuse I've dealt with for years.<P>No, it's just his attitude that I blew the whole thing out of proportion because it was just sex...STD Tramp meant nothing to him. Also, his comments regarding a friend's actions toward his wife ("Well, look at how she acts!"). BTW, this woman is one of those people who is naturally effusive in her friendships and hugs everybody...likes to be the life of the party and that sort of thing. H says that she "scares" him and all his buddies (meaning that he thinks she's "coming on" to all of them). Funny thing is that if this were so, all us wives would be up in arms over her behavior, and none of us feel the same way. The wives have been very supportive of her in her problems with her H...because we know how much she loves him. My H's attitude toward her sort of bothers me...I'm wondering about why he is displaying such animosity toward her.<P>And, he has made such comments about others in the past. It's like, "Hey, if a guy can score and get away with it, why not?"<P>I've lost quite a bit of respect for him because of this attitude.<P>I dunno....I'm kinda down because he had one of his sudden rages this weekend, and then the other evening, he called me from his cellphone...and I know he was at the bar. He came back to the store at 5, and I suggested going out there for a burger and to socialize a bit. We stopped at the gas station, and while he was getting gas, I checked his cellphone. All the outgoing calls had been erased. The way his cellphone is set up, you have to deliberately go through the menu to erase the calls, and he is one of those guys who ordinarily wouldn't bother, as long as his phone is working fine. So, I'm wondering "Why?" I haven't snooped in a long time, but I'm getting the cellphone bills out and checking them today.<P>I have to say that I'm prepared for him and Cafe Woman starting up again, since I lifted any objection to his going to her restaurant after I decided that he felt this restriction was a huge lovebuster and was resenting me for it.<P>In the meantime, I haven't lovebusted and am still doing Plan A. I'm even creating a little fun and interest around the house with harmless little practical jokes. Read my thread about having fun with H. <BR>

uggghhh.<P>I've read some of your "having fun" posts. You are quite a character! <P>My husband started saying all of the same things your husband has been saying, AFTER he had an affair. I know that deep down inside he doesn't feel that way, but he is justifying, because he hates the guilt he feels. Typical conflict avoider. Just like, Clinton didn't cheat - and you would cheat too, if you were married to Hillary....those typical betrayal comments.<P>That scares the heck out of me that he is still leaving you fell super suspicious. He doesn't realize what he is doing? Or he thinks you don't notice? Or, he thinks that both of you have "recovered?" <P>He is NOT following the rules of the basic concepts, this is for sure. That alone, can make you feel so insecure with his attitude.<P>My husband last week, called to ask if he could go out for pizza (he meant the sleeze bar really). I was amazed. Of course I said yes, and thanked him for asking me!<P>Then, this week, he just didn't come home one night again. Okay, he only was late about 2.5 hours, and was unavailable on his cell phone and the office phone. <P>How quickly they unlearn everything. 2x4 therapy seems to be more lasting in the long run.<P>TNT