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And to my H<P>I am new to MB but have been lurking for awhile-trying to get answers to all my questions without having to ask.<P>I feel as though my life ended the day I discovered the infidelity of my H. Sadly-this happened between him and a friend of mine. I have worked long and hard to try and shove this out of my mind. I have tried to understand the meaning of it all. But I can't make any sense of it.<P>To my H I would like to say thanks-thanks for allowing your selfishness to cause my entire world to crumble. Although I know there were some slight troubles in our marriage overall we had everything. I have always loved you and you became the first person I ever truly trusted. I was happy and comfortable with you. I do not understand why you wouldn't have talked to me about anything that might have been bothering you. And I do not know why "sex" seems to be the answer to so many unhappy people. Although I think I love you still I am not at all sure I can forgive or forget. Not that I wouldn't like to but I chose to be "smart" from here on out. I refuse to lean on another person for anything ever again. That way I can at least blame myself for further "poor choices".<P>To the OP - I also trusted you. But more than that I truly loved you. There is a big difference between a H and a friend. I had no complaints about you whatsoever. Do you realize that when you chose to have an affair with my H that you took so much away from me? Do you know that every time I have needed someone to talk to the first person to enter my mind has been you-but of course that can't be any more. Do you realize that I am suffering twice what many of the betrayed suffer? Do you know the pain I experience when I think of you and my H together? I lost my H and I lost you. Two very important people in my life. THere is never a day that goes by that I don't have an old "memory trigger". Why was friendship not valued over the urge to cheat?<P>To both of you - what did I ever do to deserve this? I want you both to know how much I feel the hurt. Each and every day it is with me.<P>I have gone to two different counselers. I have been put on medication for depression. I have talked to the pastor of my church. I feel like I have beat my head against the wall trying to understand why you both did this to me and to our families and to each other. While I am not one to ever consider suicide I have prayed so many times for my life to end. I do not feel as though I have what it takes to "get over this". The pain is deep and the pain is real. Too real. <P>I guess I need to end this as I am just talking in circles. I hope that at least one betrayer reads this and realizes the damage they do. <p>[This message has been edited by fallen_angel (edited February 24, 2000).]
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<BR>{{{{FA}}}} Hugs to you.<P>Hate to say Welcome, but Welcome to our little corner of Hell. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) You've come to the right place for supportive caring people who are dealing with the very same emotions that you have right now. My W is also having an affair w/ my ex-best friend. So goes life.<P>Anyway lots of people will help out, you just have to get in and start posting and sharing. You may not get a lot of responses to your posts until people get to know you and your situation. You may want to put the basics in your profile so we can see what, where, who, how long, etc. this has been going on.<P>Did you actually send that letter or just post it? The best way to get the answers specific to your situation is to post. No more lurking allowed. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>Just take some deeeeeeep breaths, relax, and read, post, then read and post some more. Okay? We're always here.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com
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fallen_angel,<BR> Welcome to the club,sad to say.Go ahead and post your questions,don't be shy.We know what you're going through,and just how that ultimate betrayal feels.You feel like you're dying inside.I can tell you,it does get better.Time will help heal the pain.No,you do not want to quit living.What you want to do is get rid of the pain.Realize that there is a difference.Keep taking the medication.Get all the support you can,here and from your family and friends.Just don't curl up into a ball,and die,that's not the answer.Things will get better.Take it from one who's been there.Take care of yourself.<BR> --Murph
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I have been in your exact same situation for the last year. The pain is so deep, and the continued lies just deepen the pain. Has it stopped? Do they think their in love? Is he addicted to just the feeling she gives him? Does he still tell you he loves you and that he doesn't want to leave? Does he tell you how bad he feels--that he has made so many false promises to the other woman-that he hates hurting her and her children? Does he tell you he never planned to leave? Yet he still keeps seeing her--talking to her, and trying to see you at the same time? Does he try to make love to you every day like my husband. Are these men manipulaters-using the other woman and their wife? Are they just confused? He says he wants to stop--hates conflict and just doesnt want to be the one to do it....whenever she tries to break it off--he pursues her and tells me everything--at least he's being honest with me. He says he cant be honest with her-says she cries all night and thinks she's going to die without him. She's almost 10 years older than him and desperate for a husband and father for her children. She will not stop pursuing him and she has no remorse. How can these people look in the mirror. I wonder how they can sleep at night. I could never do anything like this to anyone, much less my husband or someone who is supposedly a friend. I know God will convict them of their sin--but when??
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To Fallen-angel<P>Trust in the Lord and He Shall direct your path.<P>Man is human. Man do make mistakes. To forgive you H will set you free.<P>I take my problems to the Lord.<P>Remember there is always sunshine after the rain.<P>ITS
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Sparkydog, Murphy, Angelbabies and In The South-<P>Thanks for the welcome and advice and thoughts. I am sure we all know that this is probably the roughest road we will ever have to travel. If not for MB I am sure that I would think I was all alone in my pain. I appreciate you all taking time to respond ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>My prayers are with all of you as well!
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In The South - I LOVED your post. Thank you. It echoes everything I would have said. Especially "to forgive your husband will set you free". <P>God will heal your pain FA. Trust in Him. I have been through the same thing as you (plus a few added sins by H, like alcoholism and abuse), except I didn't know this OW, just knew of her. <P>Forgive her also; after forgiving my H and the OW, the pain, constant agony and wretched memories have all but disappeared. God bless you,<P>MTAW
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FA,<BR>ITS is right. In order to be set free you must be able to forgive your H. I know that it is hard but it can be done. I am still forgiving my W after 8 affairs in 7 years. I understand where she is coing from: she does not understand that love is God and it would never cause you to sin against Him.<P>I am showing her the love that He has shown and taught me and still is teaching me with each new day.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net
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Welcome. I just wanted to say that I can relate to your pain. My H had an EA with a mutual friend of ours. While she was not my best friend, she was a friend of ours for 10 years. <P>I know it does not seem like you have what it takes to get through it now but you do. This site has been so helpful to me. The support you find here from people in your situation can be so comforting.<P>Have the two of you decided to work on the marriage? Is his affair with her over?<P>Also, please read AFTER THE AFFAIR. It really is helpful in explaining what you are going through now. Then get Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair. They are both very helpful.<P>
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Fallen Angel,<BR>Hugs to you and I just need to let you know that MB is such good support for all of us. I want you to know that I know how you feel. It has been 16 months since discovery for me.....11 months since he moved out and I filed for D. Yes you do survive. It is so hard, I know. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel seems like it will never happen. Like me, just when you think you see it, the light seems to fade. But it does come back....and gets brighter. No, I am not over any of this...not totally. You will forgive. I have. But unfortunatley forgiving does not mean forgeting and in some cases the pain is still there. I forgave because my H is only human. Everyone makes mistakes. To this day I still feel sadness...but it comes and goes. It seems to be gone more than here. Occasionally I still feel that gut wrenching pain...but it too has stopped for the most part.<P>I understand what you mean by not wanting to lean on anyone ever again. But to me, love means being able to lean on someone when you need them.<P>But what I have learned most through all of this is that everyone seems to have a different perception of just what love is.<P>I have gone through a lot....and still am. But I am here....somedays smiling....somedays telling jokes....and very few days crying. I never thought I would see the day when I could smile and laugh and have days go by when my H just doesn't mean all that much to me anymore. I have conceded that I will always love him.....but I CAN live without him. Now I see that he couldn't have been much of a friend to me. He has revealed all of my secrets....let me down....hurt me physically and emotionally....let "our" family down....hurt the children....made all 3 of us feel like we didn't exist and never did. <P>I just know, somewhere in my heart of heart that he will someday realize what he has done. That he will suffer....maybe not a pain that the children and I have felt...but he will feel something.<P>Although I tried to save our marriage....it didn't work. I know that I have no regrets....I tried everything. He will have plenty....and so will your H if he doesn't wake up and see what he is risking/losing.<P>Good luck to you and your H. I really do hope that the two of you will make your marriage work and that he will see the light.<BR>Nancy
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Alchoholic's Wife-thank you for taking time to reply to my post. I do believe in God-in fact HE is the first place I went after D-Day. I also know I will survive-I just don't wish to most of the time. I am tired of hurting ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif) <P>Professorg-I think I am afraid to be forgiving-afraid it will just open the door when he sees my pain leave and we go about our everyday lives. Silly thinking on my part I know but I am so afraid.<P>acacia-Yes we are working on our marrige and the affair has long been over. I know he will not go back to her at any time. He is trying extremely hard to let me know he learned his lesson-what more can I say?<P>MENTAL-thanks for posting a reply. I have been married before and waas also put thru much emtional and mental abuse. I felt worthless all the time (13 years). When I met my current H I thought I had the world by it's tail. I love this man with all my heart. I think this is why I struggle so to overcome the pain. I knew without a doubt this wouldn't happen to me with this man. Aslo-the fact that I never ever saw a sign that clued me in makes me feel very threatened-how could I have NOT seen it?<P>All of you-thanks so much for guiding me. I come here every time I need a boost-and you all help!!
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Although I had never been married before....I had been in a couple serious relationships, so when I dated my H I knew he would be someone who would never be cruel....have an affair....and would be a great dad. I agree....because of this the pain is so bad. I loved him totally, for good and bad. I accepted him for who he was...what he had to offer in our relationship and how he showed love. He was not very affectionate...but it did not bother me. He showed love differently. Getting ahead in life....keeping me warm at night....respecting me as his wife and a person.....providing for his family. Slowly that all changed....so slowly that I didn't recognize the changes until they slapped me in the face. His affair destroyed me.....I felt so dead inside, because I loved him completely. But it also hurt to know that he still kept me warm at night.....provided for his family.....still strived to get ahead...all while sharing his life with the OW. Makes my stomach turn.
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