Since my W told me of her EA on Feb. 13 I have been on the scariest, emotional roller coaster ride of my life. I never knew my emotions could change so many time in one day!<P>I thought things were going well so far this week. She has been very pleasant, giving me a peck on the cheek every once in a while, hugs, smiles, etc. After dinner last night, I saw her mood change. I could tell she was fighting back tears. So, after our daughter went down for the night we talked. The talk was very calm and filled with a lot of tears, mainly hers but I was really fighting them back and trying to listen and not be too emotional. <P>She started by saying that she doesn't know if she wants to work on our marriage. She has not talked to the OM in 11 days. She says she has not talked to him but it was her feeling that she really doesn't want to end the relationship with the OM. I think the reason she has not talked to him is embarassment and guilt. But, she has told me that she cannot guarantee that she will not contact him again. Is this part of the withdrawl??? The worst part for me is that the door is still open. She will not commit to our marriage and end the relationship with him.<P>The rest of the conversation didn't go much better. She says that she is not feeling any physical attraction towards me. She thinks that is the reason that she has such a hard time kissing me and showing me affection. Is this normal????? But then again, is anything normal right now?!?<P>She talked of separation. She thinks that maybe she needs a little time to herself to "sort things out." I really didn't answer or give my opinion. I was just listening while my heart seemed to be ripped to shreds. <BR>Can somebody please give me some words of encouragement and please pray for me. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever been through. I don't think I would wish this on my worst enemy!<P>Any comments or suggestions from anybody who has been in a similar situation would help tremendously. She has agreed to see a counselor (not a marriage counselor) because of the depression she is feeling right now. <P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

KindaBlue,<BR> After my W started her affair,she moved out to"sort things out".What this usually means is getting away from you,to be with the OM.I have learned here that sometimes affairs start because of depression.Has your W seen a doctor about it? My W's affair was with a much younger man.I,too,got the"I'm not attracted to you anymore"speech.If she hasn't been physical with you since the affair started,it's because she's infatuated with someone else,and doesn't see you in the same light anymore.It's like a switch going off.The best thing you can do is read and learn as much as you can.Learn about plan A and plan B.Keep posting.Take care. --Murph

Kinda,<P>Hang tough my friend. I found out about my wife's affair about a year agoe and now how you are feeling. Things that will help you get through this are God, yourself, and other people. Work on understanding why your wifes affair occurred. Don't blame, but accept what has happened. If your like most folks here, this will be a great motivator for understanding life and relationships. Read alot. A couple of good books to start with are "After the Affair" by Janice Abrams Springs and "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. You also might want to setup a phone appointment with Steve Harley. You can contact him via this site. He can give you some great advice for how to deal with your wifes affair. His rates are $75 a phone session and money well spent. I wish I had contacted him early in my wifes affair. What your wife is telling you is pretty normal for someone involved in an affair. My wife said the same things. Remember that throughout this whole thing, you cannot change your wife nor control what she does. You can only change you. Pray, excercise, eat right and sleep and rest when you can, learn and don't take things too personal. It is what it is.<P>TimJ<p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited February 24, 2000).]

Doug:<BR> Sounds like withdrawal to me! I can really sympathisize:<P>12/27..after acting oddly for over a month, my H tells me he wants to leave, not "in-love" anymore, but says there's no one else. (We talk, decide to work on marriage, he agrees to stay).<P>1/15..after a short period of talking, sharing, thinking things were getting better, he confesses that he is "in-love" with a co-worker. No sex, but deep feelings.<P>Since then, we go up and down. He avoids her at work, but has deep feelings for her and sometimes cries bcs he misses her so much. He'll say something like if we separated, he could date her (ignoring her H and 3 kids!). We'll have days where things are much better, and we seem close, he tells me he loves me, and then he'll back off and be very withdrawn from me. <P>I've been doing a Plan A since 12/27 (first just by instinct, then found this site), but we decided last week to try counseling with Steve Harley...just started, am keeping fingers crossed...<P>I hope things will go well for you and your wife. Withdrawal is very hard on her and on you. All I can suggest is to try and be supportive of her. If you haven't read up on Plan A, do so...basically, meet whatever Emotional needs of hers that you can, no LBs, and don't expect much in return for a while. While she is in withdrawal she won't be able to do much to meet your Emotional Needs. (Good post on Plan A <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html)" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html)</A> <P> It is the pits, but there are a bunch of us here in this situation, so you are in good comany!<BR>ehugs--<BR>Kathi

Doug,<P>Been there, doing that. Don't separate if you can avoid it. We did, sort of a last ditch effort to avoid killing each other, but now she spends her childless weekends with the OM.<P>All I can say is read here, post here, ask for support, but most importantly take care of you. You have to be strong to try and deal with this situation. You are right about the roller coaster ride, but at the start the valleys sometimes seem bottomless, he11 the peaks seem like valleys sometimes too. <P>Study up on Plan A and work on being the best Doug that you can, so she can see what she will be giving up. Make sure you understand emotional needs and do the EN survey w/ your W. That way you might be able to pinpoint why the EA occured.<P>We're here to help.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks Everyone!!!<P>Kam--<BR>I can really relate to what you are saying. Sounds like our situations are very similar. My W has not talked to the OM recently, not sure if it is by her choice or his. She did tell me that he said he did not feel comfortable sneeking around like they were. He supposedly said that anytime she wanted to work on her marriage he would back off. I'm still not sure if his intentions were totally honorable when he told my W these things. However, the reason his marriage broke up was because his W had a PA with his best friend. I don't know, I somehow think that he was feeding her a line just to sound caring. Maybe....maybe not. I'll probably never know.<BR>My W still cannot tell me she loves me which makes my Plan A very hard. But I am trying. She did contact a counselor yesterday. Has an appointment next week. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I would be very happy if I knew that this would make things better. It really scares me as to what the counselor will tell her. If she is suffering from depression, will the counselor tell her that her feeling are the cause of it...or is it the depression that is causing the loss of feelings?!? Anyway, I'm saying my prayers that this will help...even a little.<P>Thanks again to everyone!<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

My H told me he loved me, but was not "in-love" with me...for a long time, I did not hear "I love you." Then I did, sometimes, but with the understanding that it was not "in-love." He still doesn't say it often, or like he is happy about it. I know he does not feel "in-love". And, yes, it is very hard to Plan A when you feel unloved and rejected. I try to think of it as giving a gift of my love... it carries no strings, but is a gift freely given.<BR>Hope this helps!<BR>Kathi

I know first hand what you are feeling. My husband says he loves me but "in love" with me. Thinks we should split up, see if he misses me, etc. The OW was not happy in her own marriage and has been chasing him since day one. Trying to be supportive toward the problems we were having, but in the long run just spending time with him. Always had a reason to talk or see him, which led to other things. Now my husband is not sure what he wants to do, he's addicted to her. I'm a basket case on this roller coaster ride, some days are better than others. Let's just hope for the best for the both of us.<BR>C.M.

Doug, I am a betrayer. I can try to give you some insight in what is going on inside of her, but unfortunately not able to give you the solution, other than prayer and trust in the Lord that he will take care of her and you. <P>Your W is feeling very double minded right now. She may be depressed and grieving over the withdrawl from the fantasy and the OM, or she may have been depressed first and sought out the EA for a false release and comfort for the depression.<P>I think she is being truthful when she says she doesn't know if she will be able to not contact the OM. The fantasy is a very strong addiction. Is she willing to be accountable for all of her time, access to any personal things like email, phone messages, etc..., while she goes thru the withdrawl? It was so difficult to give up the contact for me, and when I thought that I had gotten to the point when I was over the affair, the evil one would put me right in the path of the OW, and because I had turned away from God, I would fall right back into the trap.<P>She loves you, but she has withdrawn all of the affection that goes with that love, because she can not resolve the conflict in her mind. <P>I think that you have a lot of good advice in this post from others. Know that you are not alone, and that God is working in your life and hers, though it may not seem like it right now. Be steadfast, and lean on God and his promise to you, and no one else. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.<P>

Thanks again everyone!!!!<BR>I guess the hardest part of this is the uncertainty that keeps unfolding.<BR>Every time I think things look a little brighter, the direction suddenly changes.<P>For instance, we went to dinner and a movie last night. We had been planning this since about Wednesday. The babysitter that was supposed to watch our daughter cancelled yesterday morning. She said she very much wanted to do something with me, so she went to great lengths to call everyone we knew to find someone to babsit. Well, we finally found someone and went for our night out. I thought we had a great time! We saw a good movie ("The Whole Nine Yards" - very recommended, very funny, we both needed a good laugh) and then went out for drinks and dinner. We had very good conversation, nothing about us, just general talk of everything else (I don't think either one of us were in the mood to dredge up the emotions). She had to work this morning, so we didn't stay out late. When we got home, she was kind of quiet. We went to bed and I heard her get up about 2:30 a.m. I didn't know whether I should get up or just leave her with some time to herself. Anyway, I went back to sleep. She called this morning to say "hi" and she sounded very depressed. I asked if she was OK and she told me that she had trouble sleeping and was feeling kind of "blah" today.<P>Why does it seem like everytime something good happens, it is immediately followed by a "bad" thing???? I knew there were going to be peaks and valleys, but the "valleys" just seem to get deeper everytime I think there is a peak!<P>I think this has to do with the withdrawl from the OM. But I'm still not sure if there is any withdrawl going on. She told me the other day that she has not spoken to him since 2/13. But, she still has not told him anything like she doesn't want to see him again. There is still no closure in that area! Without a commitment to not see him again, how do I know that that is behind us??? If she really has not talked to him in that long of a time, there is no guarantee that he will not contact her....and then the withdrawl starts all over again!!!!<P>Sorry to make this so long, just needed to vent a little.<P>Please keep the advice coming and the prayers rolling. Everyday gets a little bit harder to continue with my Plan A.<P>Doug<BR>

edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

KindaBlue,<P>Just a thought reading your last post. Consider this: She has not promised she won't contact OM, but she is trying not to. This is a good sign. She may backslide a time or two but if you keep encouraging her she will notice. <P>As for the "in-love" thing, I have told many people this and I believe it. She had to wipe her love for you from her conscienceness or she would go crazy during the affair. It is there just buried under all of the other stuff.<P>So hang in there and keep Plan A'ing as long as you can. She does seem to be trying and she is opening up and talking with you. That is also a good sign.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<BR>