<BR>Ok, I'm just sitting here thinking and wondering about stuff. <P>When my H left, he only took some of his clothes and tools that he needed for work. Since then he hasn't taken anything else. It's all still here.<P>Plus there have been no papers filed. And he complains about the taxes not being done yet, but doesn't do anything about that either. <P>He tells me every weekend that when he gets back to town on the following weekend, we'll sit down and talk about all of this. And that's as far as it ever goes.<P>What is going on in his head???? If he was really sure of his decision to be with her, wouldn't he be doing something about it???<P>Mitzi

Sounds like a conflict avoider being conflicted... <P>Don't pressure him! <BR>TNT

TNT,<BR>I've definately thought all along that he is a conflict avoider.<P>I'm not pressuring him at all. I leave him alone, except for every Sunday when I call to see if he's going to see the kids that weekend. (And that's only if I haven't heard from him the other days). <P>He's just so confusing sometimes!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi - my H did the same thing. For more than 6 months, left MOST of his stuff with me. When he moved back in, all he had to bring was pretty much clothes and tools. NOW he tells me it was because he knew he didn't want to give up on us and he couldn't bear to "move" out of our house (I guess moving his stuff would've been final - this way he was just "away".)<P>No pressure, TNT's right. Look what happened to me. <P>Lori

My husband prefers to avoid conflict. And he "terms" my opinions and feelings as causing conflict. He really 100% believes this. He believes that if I address any issue whatsoever, I am creating the conflict.<P>Never mind that the conflict was created prior to me bringing it up. It is very difficult to deal with conflict avoiders.<P>I heard once that conflict avoiders will deal with issues with the consequence for not dealing with the issue is greater than dealing with the issue.<P>Kind of like a person with their head in the sand, because they don't like what they see. When they get kicked in the "rear", then they say "wow, what happened?" They don't want to know what is happening above ground, until it has affected them.<P>Anyone who tries to urge their head out of the sand is the problem to the conflict avoider. They won't look at the problem until the consequences in the problem are more painful than dealing with the problem.<P>It's like the guy who leaves his kids, because it is conflictive to deal with issues. When the pain from not seeing the kids is greater than the pain from dealing with certain issues, that is when their head gets out of the sand.<P>The best thing you can do, is shut up and pray. Hard, definitely, I know.<P>hugs....<BR>TNT

Lori,<BR>If anyone here has inspired me, it's been you!! Hopefully my H is in the same mindframe as your H!!!<P>I guess then I should be somewhat happy that he hasn't moved everything out. It's been 2 months and 2 days. I'm really trying to be positive about this!!<P>Thanks Lori,<BR>Mitzi

TNT,<BR>That is my H exactly. He's always been like this. Doesn't worry about the consequences until they come!<P>He has definately been difficult to live with too! <P>And I've been praying my little behind off. Not just for him but for me also. It has helped alot!<P>Good luck at the reception!<BR>Mitzi

You know, Mitzi, tnt is on a roll here and Lori's right, too. Your H <B>isn't</B> ready to give up on you yet. Remember that anytime he thinks of the stuff that's still there, he has to think in some way of you, too.<P>You've read my stuff and that of some others around here. Confusion is the name of the game. I guess that in some way they subject us to the same confusion that exists inside their heads. As confused as you are, just think of the whirlwind spinning around in your H's brain. You are only seeing a part of it. <P>I know that is also W's problem, but one can only put up with so much. You aren't even close yet. Hang in there!!!!<P>Big hugs....<P>P.S. Lori is <B>everybody's</B> hero!!<P>--DeWayne--

edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

DeWayne,<P>If H is more confused than I am, then instead of a whirlwind in his brain, it has to be a tornado! LOL Don't you wish you could get inside it? Just one time? See what they're thinking so you would know what you're up against! Life would be so much easier!!! <P>I talked to Steve Harley yesterday and he asked me how long I thought I could plan A. I told him at least until June. If H would get over some of his anger, I could do it longer. (Hopefully things will change for the better before June)<BR>So, yes, I do have some time. I'll just have to work my butt off to get that "million dollars"!<P>Hugs back to ya!<BR>Mitzi<P>Claudia,<BR>I've never looked for any info about conflict avoiders. What I know I've learned here. It seems like there's alot of that going around.<P>My H also says the kids will be fine. But then he's the product of a divorced family, and he thinks he's ok (yeah, right!) I think they say things like that to try to convince themselves that what they are doing is right.<P>Take care of you and your kids,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi -- How are you able to do that kind of definite projection(June)?? I could never give some kind of date like that. My response would have been much more nebulous. For example, last May, if some one would have asked me how long I could wait before I felt I had to be divorced from W, I probably would have said something like "September". I've lasted much longer than I thought I could. Today, I would probably answer that question with "two weeks". Of course, that same answer would have applied in early January and here we are almost in March.<P>Just an example of how confused <B>we</B> end up being....<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>It's really not a definate time. He asked me to guess. If the situation between H and I gets better, I can last a lot longer. If it gets worse, maybe not that long. I'd love to be able to say that I could wait for a year or more like some here have. But I don't think I could. He's been gone since December and there are days that I think, "Hey! this is nice!" But there aren't many of those. <P>Since Harley says that most affairs end about 6 months after discovery, I had thought that maybe I could wait it out at least 6 months. (June). I'm seriously hoping that it won't take that long, but I am not naive enough to think that it's written in stone. I don't see myself going anywhere soon!<P>You take care and hang in there! You do what you feel is necessary to make your life the best possible one.<P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

mitzi, Does your H work with OP? How often do they see each other do you know???? Is she married????<P>My H works closely with his OP. She is married with two kids but apparently has complained about her lousy marraige for years and has yet to leave him. She is a lady on a power trip. <P>I am not sure if she has left her husband yet. I really don't want to know. I know that ethically they will not be able to work together. People at the hospital and all of the DR.s are already talking about it negatively. <P>It's hard to compete when he is with her all day sometimes twelve hours and me none!!!!!<P>But I am still trying to be super-de-duper nice when he calls or visits the kids.

Claudia,<BR>My H doesn't work with the OW. He met her in a bar. And he works out of town during the week and stays with her Thursday night thru Sunday. He's been gone for 2 months. <P>Actually it makes it easier for me that he's staying with her on the weekends. Now I don't have to worry about where he is and whether he'll make it home from the bar. Now I know where he is and it's his and her problem to worry about whether they make it home from the bar. <P>I try to be nice when he calls and sees the kids but it's hard because he's so angry right now and wants to argue. I just try to ignore his remarks but it doesn't always work.<P>Hang in there Claudia. It honestly does get easier.<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

It is not my intention to be discouraging in any way, Mitzi, but my husband left many things here, and they are still here after the 15 months he has been gone. It can take a LONG time. And, you may find that you can Plan A for a much longer time than you ever thought you could. I have. D-day was 9/14/98, he moved out two months later.<P>Hang in there - and I hope you don't have to hang NEARLY as long as I have!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Dear Mitzi,<BR>Your prayers are being answered. God is working in his life. That is why his things are still there, and why he has not filed. Keep up the prayer vigil, I am praying with you every day. God will be victorious.<P>You know, my H did the same thing. When he left (well, he didn't actually leave the police took him away), we didn't speak. I packed his clothes and had one of his friends pick them up for him. I sent a message to him through my attorney to his attorney requesting he remove the rest of his belongings. He never did. Never even asked about them. He was gone 2 months. For the first 6 weeks he hated me, told all his friends he would NEVER move back, blah blah blah. Something (uh, GOD?) hit him and all of a sudden he wanted to come home. He too said he couldn't stand the thought of moving out of our home for good. At the time he was asking to try again, I wasn't praying for reconciliation, but was praying with my son each day for God to take care of H. And He did. And He will yours to. Pray Pray Pray Mitzi. And keep up Plan A. I know how it gets you down, thinking that nothing's getting resolved, but you've got to trust God to take care of everything. So do I.<P>Love and many {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you,<P>MTAW<P>

Terri,<BR>You didn't discourage me in any way. I know there are no guarantees. I'm learning more about me and my H everyday and whether he comes home or not, I will know that I did everything I could to make things work. If he doesn't come back, he is the one who is losing the most. And I will move on. With no regrets.<P>I will plan A as long as I can and hope for the best outcome. And I will be the stronger and better person in the end.<P>Godd luck and prayers,<BR>Mitzi <P>MTAW,<BR>I have faith in God to work things out in my best interest. I feel like my faith has gotten alot stronger in the last 2 months. I have complete trust in Him. He will work things out according to His will and in His time.<P>You, my friend, are one of the strongest and most faithful people I know. God is definately going to reward you for your faithfulness in ways that are completely unimaginable.<P>Prayers and (((((Hugs))))) back to you,<BR>Mitzi

Hi Mitzi, sorry I haven't been around much lately to keep up with your posts. BTW thanks for all the emails sent my way - you must be a very prodigious computer user!<P>Yes, we've been having quite a few discussions here about conflict avoiders, haven't we? I think your H isn't ready to face the guilt yet, and that's one of the reasons he <B>avoids</B> discussing your marriage with you. They don't want to deal with our feelings, they are too interested in their own. <P>You are often in my thoughts and always in my prayers. {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}<P>Claire

Claire,<P>Your welcome on the emails. It doesn't take much to forward stuff! LOL<P>I had almost quit posting and replying. I was having a big pity party by myself but I have found that my whole attitude has changed. Since I saw the OW the other day and had the strength to just walk away, I now know that I will be ok no matter what the outcome. I feel some of my self-esteem coming back. I've actually been able to laugh. (which I hadn't really done since he left). Plus I think the St. John's Wort is startng to work. I'm not down in the dumps all the time. <P>Yeah, he does avoid everything! The sad part though is in trying to avoid me, he's also neglecting the kids. But they are coping. <P>Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. You are always in mine too.<P>Mitzi

Yeah, I know it's sad that they seem to end up 'neglecting' their kids. I don't know if that's the right word to use, but can't think of another right now. The thing we need to remember is that we cannot fix our spouses relationship with our children. Their relationship with the children is <B>their</B> relationship. We can only try to be as positive in <B>our</B> relationship with our children as we can. Our children are not stupid, they can see even if we wish they did not have to.<P>Chin up, better days ahead for both of us I expect.