Im 31yr old woman,hubby 41yr.together for 10 yrs.married for over 1 year.my 2nd marriage, his 1st. problem is my 1st hubby was a liar, repeated cheater, and i brought jeolousy into my 2nd marriage.i was suspicious with my new hubby since beginning. i somehow started to trust him for a while now. my hubby now is the sweetest.he cooks,cleans,does laundry,gives foot rubs, doesnt drink or smoke, &doesnt go out with friends.problem is he tells me he doesnt have a life & i dont appreciate what he does for me. i started to trust him, but one day i was trying to reach him on cellphone &it was off. he came home & i reached into his pocket to check it & see if it was working, and a card comes out along with phone. It is a topless nudebar card.it also said admit free which indicates to me that he was there. it also said valid only monday & tuesdays which leads me to belive that he goes there during work hours, since he is never late from work & is always with me. He works for the city & drives a truck all day. I cant trust him anymore & i have fought everyday with him since that day 2 weeks ago. he told me he was never there, that they gave him card in a restaurant @lunchtime in a bad neighborhood & he didnt want to throw it away in front of that person, so he put it in pocket to throw away later, but then forgot about it. he has never done something like this, that i know of. 2 days after card i found his box with personal things he keeps away from me because its where he keeps all cards &giftwrapping paper for my presents for holidays. Its true because the box only contained things like that, but one thing i found was a flyer of the same strippers that he used for his bachelor party when we got married a year ago. I had that flyer in my book after our wedding, & now i think back to that time, it disappeard. i asked him back then & he said he threw it away. well come to find out he kept it in that box all this time. he says its just a memory & he didnt want me to get upset about it.it is 2 incidents with strippers in one week. imagine my devastation. i feel like dying, & all things my 1st hubby did have all come back to my mind. i cant trust my hubby now, & question him every day about everything. he finally got upset & told me he is only with me because he feels sorry for me because of all this jeolousy.and also that he doesnt have a life, and hes tired of my pushing & questioning. he said he was never at that place but if i keep harrasing him than he is going to go so that i wont have any doubts. im going crazy, and dont know what to do. should i believe him & trust him again. or should i belive him & keep a watchful eye. its driving me nuts. we have been together 10 yrs how can i throw that away, but i dont want to be hurt again. to top it all off, im 3 months pregnant with our 1st child that we tried to conceive for the past 2 yrs & now that im finally pregnant he comes up with these things. im so upset and dont know what to do. please help me, i would appreciate any suggestions you have for me. thank you very much.

I'm sorry you are going through this. We here will do our best to help you out.<P>First I want to stress that you cannot blame your current H for you ex's behavior.<P>I know he said some things that hurt you, but I would like for you to think a moment of times in the past when you got so defensive and maybe felt backed into a corner. Did you say things that you really didn't mean. I call this "pulling out the heavy artillary". I have done this many times in the past and said some terrible things to my H. I since forgot them because I knew they weren't real, just a self-defense, but he sure remembers them.<P>Most of us here have learned that you don't need to ever fully trust your spouse. I'm not saying never believe him, but always be aware of what can happen if your H's needs aren't being met. You do need to give the opportunity to prove himself trustworthy. This helps both.<P>Try to talk to him and explain to him how this is making you feel.<P>Is this your first child? I can remember when I was pregnant for the first 4 or 5 months I would cry during Beer Commercials. I'm not in any way downplaying your situation, but maybe your H needs to understand this as well so he can have compassion for your emotions. Just make sure he understands that the emotions are real, regardless of hormones, because you do own your emotions.<P>I feel you need to talk, that is the main thing. You need to also judge your H fairly and not through he memories of your ex.<P>I hope this helps. I also hope I haven't triviallized anything you said, because it was not my intention at all. <P>I too am very touchy when it comes to dirty movies or girly magazines, that sort of thing, I feel I would probably be upset as well.

Welcome <B>aamymail</B>...<P>Before I share with you a general welcome post you really should read... a few thoughts.<P>I have to agree with <B>Essyboo</B>... take a breath and don't throw out your H right away. I feel I am a fairly religious man and what your H has said are not anywhere out of the <B>normal</B>... Unfortunately, restaurants do give out these cards... and it isn't even in the most disreputable areas. The flyer for the bachelor party is not unusal at all... my W kept a copy of the business card of the "entertainer" at my bachelor party... with countless pictures taken during!<P>I don't know your H. He could be a sex addict for all I know. But from what you've said so far... I seems to me... you've jumped the gun a bit. Should you continue investigating?... maybe... but if you do... please do it with general approach of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> in mind. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> isn't to ignore your feelings or even hide them... but it is there as the basis for building a marriage. Read on in my post of general welcome... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Read all you can on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and try to apply it in your relationship.<P>Jim

I think your H is being truthful. <BR>I have been with my husband for 17 years, 15 married. My ex-husband cheated on me relentlessly, with no remorse, ever. I, like you, brought that baggage with me into current marriage. I have a very very difficult time with trust. And yes, it did happen in this marriage, most recently last summer. We are in recovery. <P>This is what my pastor told me in counseling with him: <B>"You MUST trust him until he proves you otherwise".</B> This has been THE most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but after 5 months of intense, and incessant prayer, I can honestly say I trust him right now. And I will, by God's grace, trust him until he proves me otherwise. <P>During the 3 years prior to my H's last affair, I was an emotional basket case, worried sick about where he was and what he was doing and with who ALL THE TIME. I was a nervous wreck because in 1996 my H had an emotional affair with a co-worker. I was devastated. Yes, he was drunk a lot. I made myself sick with my fears and worries. My husband drank more and more, I worried more and more, and we fought more and more. Round and round the cycle went. My H quit loving me, wanted a divorce, was involved with OW. Don't do what I did. Trust him. Believe him until it is proven without a shadow of a doubt that he can't be trusted. It's so very hard, but worth it.<P>Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. Go forward from this day with trust in your heart. Your husband will see the change in you, and most likely will start wanting to be home with you. <P>God bless you, aamymail, and best wishes to you on your pregnancy. You'll make it!<P>FYI - about the strippers. Those women are not interested in husbands. All they want is <B>your husband's money</B>. They laugh all the way to the bank at the men who frequent their clubs. Don't worry about them. My very best friend is a stripper. She has told me all about what goes on in those places. (and yes, I'm praying for her too).<P><BR>

Hi there,<P>I agree with the previous posts. Even if this isn't your first pregnancy, every one is different and you need to step back and realize that the pregnancy itself may be affecting your judgement. You also have to tell you husband that. If you are only 3 months along you may be having similar problems for the next year (sorry about that but it is true). During one pregnancy I had strange fears, I cried about things that had happened years ago. It was a rough time, but the boy is a strapping 18 year old, we all weathered it.<P>Also people keep things for strange reasons. I doubt that the flyer meant that this stripper was some sort of icon to him. Much more likely that this piece of paper was a tangible reminder of an event that was important in his life. And it is not unreasonable to note the end of single life.<BR>I have all sorts of mememtos that I would be embarrassed to explain.<P>Take care, think twice, maybe three times before you do anything.

I'll probably take a lot of flack for this one....but as long as he's not addicted to the place.....Does it matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes HOME for dinner? I think it normal curiosity for males to OCCASIONALLY visit a strip club. Just MHO

aamymail,<P>Yea, I would relax, first of all, everything you rhusband said about the strippers seems reasonable. Second, I really don't think that going to a sttip club is the worst thing in the world. Maybe he goes with th guys from work at lunch or something, and would feel pretty stupid if everyone went there, and he was "not allowed."<P>Nothing personel, but a jealous person really makes be run the other way. Please try to relax and trust the man you married.<P>PS, Why did it take 10 years to get married?<P>

I just want to thank all of you for helping me with this very difficult issue for me. I really even considered suicide, but thanks to you guys im ok now. Essyboo thank you very much, what you said made a lot of sense. ABR you were funny, I needed some sense of humor lately.More than alcoh. wife, thank you for what you said. "Trust him until he proves me wrong" I will always remember that. I thank all of you which I didnt mention but your suggestions really helped me. Im sorry I didnt mention if this was my first child. I have a 14yrold from 1st marriage who lives with us. This is my husbands 1st. child. I am trying really hard to forget about this, or at least put it away. My hubby is trying hard too. He calls me every day from work, he gives me all the money to keep and his atm card because he said he doesnt want me to think these things anymore, which were never true he says. He did tell me that the hurtful things he said were because he was really angry that I didnt believe him and wouldnt let it go. I will follow your advise & my heart, and hopefully I will get better with my jeaulousy. Thank you all very much & god bless you all. I was a little curious More than alcoh.wife. What did you mean all those things that go on the strip clubs. I was right about the sex wasnt I. anyways I have prayed and asked gods help and anytime I ask, he replies so I will be waiting. Bye for now.