Hello all, I have been here for a couple of months now, right before I found out my W was having an affair with one of my good friends. We are on the road to recovery, but as you all know it's a long, hard road. Sometimes I find myself getting angry, upset, etc. when I see something that reminds me of thier affair. I know this is natural, but I guess I just haven't figured out how to completely deal with it yet. We are going to counseling, which is helping, and we are talking about it a lot, which is also helping. But I think the more I talk to her about it, the more upset she gets. Because of my constant ups and down she feels like we are taking one step forward and then two steps back. I don't think this is the case. I had a thought today that it might be my defenses that were keeping me from letting go and getting on with the repairing of the marriage. Kind of like I was protecting myself, not wanting to get too close, maybe. I really don't know, but I do want to go on and fix our marriage (which I think we are doing, just in baby steps), but sometimes I just get upset and don't want to talk to her about it. Sometimes I even have stupid thoughts of how I could punish her for it, isn't that dumb? Any ideas on how I could resolve these issues? Control this anger? Thanks in advanced for the help, I know you guys understand.

I don't have any advice for you, but I identify with how you feel and I can commiserate with you because I am dealing with my own inability to feel like I love my wife again. I found out about her affair about 6 months ago. Even now, I feel numb and I have no emotional feelings of passion, love, warm fuzzies - nothing. And I struggle with the same questions you do. So you are not alone.<BR>The only positive thing I can say is that perhaps I love my wife enough to try everyday to take those baby steps back to recovery, even when I don't feel like I love her.<BR>Yours is a very good question. I hope others respond who can help you and me.

I am over 18 months into recovery and I am still holding myself back.<P>My H is trying hard, but I am struggling. My pain was so devestating and debilitating. I am very afraid to hand my heart back over to that man.<P>On the other hand, he handled everything in a very unemotional manner to the point of coming across as being uncaring.<P>I feel I am not healing, but scarring. If you have ever had a large incision, you know that at first it is numb, then it sometimes gets very sensitive and even painful to the most tender touch, and then it slowly fades, but never goes completely away. It is also much stronger and less flexible, which depending on the area can cause even more pain. Also, if you scar bad, then it makes it risky to reopen the skin in that area again because it won't heal correctly. I'm getting metaphoric, sorry.<P>I fear there will be a large part of me that will always feel I have to protect myself from my H.<P>What I am concentrating on now is not allowing my bad marrage situation to keep me from enjoying other aspects of my life. I go to work and work hard and go to the gym and workout hard, but I still have to go home and face it everyday and then the depression sets in.

Just the other day someone else was saying the same thing. I find myself doing well and then some incident pops up and reminds me of the affair and it's like I got to work through that whole emotional pain again, only harder now because your slightly de-sensitized to it. It's difficult but it is part of the process. I just wish someone could tell me how long a process it really is!<BR>I think it's harder to recover knowing the OP. I knew the OW-she pretended to be my friend and used everything about that friendship to get him (Something he wouldn't allow me to say, the affair was OUR problem, not hers!) Anyhow, it hurts.......<BR>I am madly in love with my husband again, and I think we are working out. He gets angry when I talk about the things that haunt me, he says it's his guilt, so that makes me not want to talk about it yet when I don't he only gets mad cause I'm holding out on him.<BR>You can't win for loosing! <BR>Anyhow, if it makes you feel better, yes, this is part of the process, kinda wish there was a forum just to deal with this junk because it's a different level of difficulty for me! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Right now, I'm still Plan A-ing, but I'm not feeling as hopeful that things will ever be fully resolved between us.<P>I don't believe my H has told me the truth about everything, so I'm sure that I'm just erecting an emotional wall to protect myself from pain.<P>So, right now, although I have "spasms" of pain that come over me, I feel sort of numb toward my husband, although I still love him and am still being loving and affectionate. He is still trying to be nice, but the affection has dropped off. The sex has improved, though.<P>My H refuses to go to counseling and says he wants things to go back to the way they were. He doesn't want any restrictions on his activities--said it was stupid that he couldn't have a meal at the OW's restaurant. I told him that if he wanted to eat lunch there (when she is there), I would no longer raise he!! with him over it. As far as I know, he hasn't yet done so. He doesn't want to be accountable to me for his time, although he told me to go ahead and put Caller ID on his cellphone (but it's not available in our area, yet). Doesn't matter anyway. If he wants to talk to her, there are plenty of ways that he could do that without using our phones (he's well aware that I get the phone bills and is wary of phone tapping).<P> I'm supposed to just "get over it" because he's not going to put up with being "put on trial" for it.<P> Now, he's back to jumping my @$$ about stuff. Some of his anger is valid, but he refuses to understand that one reason I haven't been able to complete some of the stuff I need to do is because of my depression and obsession over his cheating and continuing lies about it. And, he always strikes right out of the blue...like when I'm really busy in the middle of stuff. He will not say, "We need to talk." He just starts in on whatever it is he wants to b**** about. It doesn't matter that maybe a minute before, we were laughing about something. Sometimes, I feel like he does this to "keep me in line." Frankly, I think my problem is that I'm just getting sick and tired of it all.<P>I think my H is getting the best of everything right now. He's got a wife who is busting her butt to make him happy, but he's not making much effort other than to just be nicer and have sex with me a couple of times a week.<P>Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm glad to find that my feelings are normal.

SweetPea it sounds like your H is emotionally blackmailing you. By starting an argument, he is reminding you that if you make him upset that he COULD cheat again, so you had better bend over backwards to make sure that doesn't happen or I'll stray again!Sorry but he sounds like a JERK!

Thanks all, it's just nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Sweetpea, after reading your reply it made me realize how fortunate I am that my W is bending over backwards for me and trying to make it up. Im sorry your H is not, the only thing I can suggest is a heart to heart talk with him. No lovebusting, just talking and telling him how you feel.

Yeah, my H <B>can</B> act like a big jerk sometimes, but he really is a nice fella deep down inside. He just doesn't <B>know</B> he's being a jerk. He just doesn't want to face up to the consequences of his actions....sort of a reminder that he's not this perfect man image that he seems to have of himself. This is a man who <B>never</B> wants to admit that he's wrong about <B>anything</B>!<P>I guess I'm just a little tired of the attitude that "I'm here and not screwing around anymore, so what more do you want?"<P>Sorta like his getting nekkid, and I'm supposed to climax at the sight.....<B>NOT</B>!!!