For awhile before the affair, and even more so since it began, my H's memory has been terrible. It is not just forgetting things that might be to his advantage to forget, or rewriting history, though he does that too. He is constantly forgetting events and conversations that would be to his benefit to remember. When reminded, he will sometimes remember them, sometimes not. <P>I know that memory loss can be a symptom of depression. I don't know if this is enough to explain it, though. Has anyone else had a spouse suffering from memory loss?

Good Morning,Nellie,<BR> Yes,my W forgot her marriage vows when she had an affair with another man!Seriously though,before I found out about her affair,she had called from OM's house.I remembered the call,because she sounded strange,and asked unusual questions.A few days later,I mentioned it to her,and she swore she never made the call.That really struck me as odd.On drugs,maybe?After she moved out,and we talked on the phone,she would forget things she had said on the last call.Maybe she was getting her lies mixed up,you think?You have a good day(at least try to). --Murph

Hi Nellie, I had an affair on my S that was off and on for over a year. I would like to try to give you some input. I hope it doesn't offend you, and you find it helpful.<P>Yes, I think that being in a depression does have chemical effects on your mind that actually make it hard to remember anything. But, there is more to the memory loss when it involves an affair. One part is that in order for me to have lived the lie of the affair, I had to lie to cover up what I was doing. And when you lie, it is hard to repeat the same lie exactly the same. At some point in time, I literally could not tell fact from fiction sometimes, because I would weave bits of truth with the lies, thus the foggy memory. Also, if your S is experiencing incredible guilt and remorse, they conciously or subconciously block out any experiences that causes the guilt and the remorse, because they can't deal with it. This is one of the most difficult things for my W to deal with, because all of these dates and times are burned into her, and it is difficult for me to look back thru the haze, and the lies and half truths to remember. I have a pretty bad memory for dates to begin with. Anyways, I hope this helps you.

Nellie,<BR>My ex is one who lies and forgets his lies. After I caught him, he confessed a lot of it to me, now he denies it or says he doesn't remember saying that. I think your H has lied so much, he is afraid to admit to remembering anything in case it might trap him.<P>AD

Hi Nellie,<P>I believe it may be a 50/50 response to the situation. When I was in the dental office last month Val made an off the cuff remark about how I made her change the address on her cell phone account because I wanted HER to pay for it. Don't even remember how the subject came up. I said no, you changed it because you didn't want me to see how many times you called Brian.<P>I never once said anything about the cell phone. It was her attempt to cover some tracks.<P>Another tactic to avoid conflict in the relationship.<P>Tim

Murph,<BR>My H also says one thing, and then a day or two later something completely different. I think sometimes it is because he consults the OW and she nixes whatever he had planned. The other day, though, he sent me an email message and a few minutes later sent me a contradictory one. <P>Guilt,<BR>I appreciate your input, and it certainly doesn't offend me. I don't know if he is experiencing guilt - all I see is anger. I know for a fact that he seems to be blocking out some experiences about which he feels guilty.<P>AD,<BR>There have been many times when my H has said something and then claimed not to remember saying it, during the affair and even before. It seems that if he changes his mind (or the OW does) he has no trouble just denying that whatever he said first ever happened, even if I have written evidence.<P>Tim,<P>My H told our son at one point that I wouldn't let them stay overnight at the OW's house, when in fact he was the one who had asked the therapist what she thought, and she said it was way too soon.<P>In addition to memory loss about affair related matters, what really worries me is that my H forgets things that have nothing directly to do with the affair, things that he has no reason to feel guilty about. <BR>

Nellie,<P>This post made me think of something else. Why do these people continue to lie? They have completely left their families, are openly with the OP, and they still lie about everything. My ex now says he didn't get involved with OW until our divorce was final.(Yea right, they fell "in love" the day after.) I have tons of proof about her, not in the least that I caught him at her home. Why can't they tell the truth when they consider the marriage to be over anyway?<P>AD

My H is a pretty poor liar, and he mostly just avoids telling me the truth rather than outright lying, although he has continued to lie on occasion. It makes no sense, especially since it is usually about something I will find out about shortly anyway. I think a lot of it is a control issue, with some conflict avoidance thrown in. <P>I don't really understand how people can lie like that, yet you hear of people lying, even to people they love, all the time. When I said something once to my H about not being able to believe him, he accused me of dishonesty - he actually said, "You lie, too, because you change your mind." The only example he could come up with was that I had once said I would go back to work when the kids were "older", and I hadn't. At that time, our youngest was 3. Somehow he used that to justify his lying to me, over and over again.