I'm new here (heard about this site thru a friend). I have betrayed my husband three separate times (he only knows of the last one). Please read 'my story' and any input would be really appreciated. I don't want to betray him again. Plus I really need to know what he is going thru in his head and heart. So any info from the 'betrayed' out there would also be helpful. <P>Thank you,<BR>Brynn

Hi, Brynn and Welcome.<P>You've come to the right place. You'll find a lot of friendly people here, and if you're serious about making your marriage the way it should be, you couldn't ask for better advice.<P>First of all. Read. Read, read and read some more. Everything on this site, Harley's principles, all the posts, profiles, books that are recommended (OK, Jim, I never remember them all, so you're on for that one!!! )<P>You'll find on this forum tales of hurt from the betrayed that will make you cry. You'll see the suffering of those who betrayed as they try to rebuild and you'll find the wonderful stories of our successes. But, most importantly, you'll find support while you're trying to do the right thing.<P>Since you seem to "need" the extra attention, I'd say you and H need to look hard at emotional needs. And, have you considered counselling? It sounds like it may be a good idea to help you out in this.<P>It's a very good thing that you're realizing that you need to work on yourself and your marriage. Keep up the good work - and a big part of that is the good attitude and desire.<P>We're here for you.<P>Lori

The biggest was sadness. All my dreams with my H and girls were shattered. It made me feel worthless, unneeded, unloved, uncared for, not equal, depressed, and the pain was at times unbearable. Some of these feelins I still feel today. It is always a question of why, for me. What did I do wrong? How could I have stopped it? How could I change? Be better? Of course, I heard it was all my fault which just validated all of my emotions. How sad.....for both of you. I thought if you had love, you had everything. I guess that isn't true. I am now going through a divorce and it hurts just as bad if not worse than the affair. Of course, he feels fine because his life is great. Now he is a "stud" and I am simply an old maid struggling to make my life whole again and trying to rebuild from nothing. Our children are afraid, sad, ashamed of their dads behavior, depressed but most of all they feel abandoned by their dad. How sad for them. They loved their dad so much and now they can hardly say a nice thing to him and he can't say anything nice to them. He has lost his children too, but he doesn't seem to mind. He is very selfish and if he doesn't wake up soon he will be so lonely even with 20 women around him. Good luck.

All I can see is be completely honest with your husband. If you slip up...tell him right away. My husband had good intentions but no backbone to follow through with them. Anytime he felt the urge to talk to the OW he would, and then he lied about it. If you want your husband to trust you again don't let him stumble onto something that will show him he can't. Slip-ups are hard but finding out about them without being told honestly is worse.<P>I am speaking from pain that is really too fresh so I may sound too harsh so if I am sorry.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Welcome <B>brynn</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sorry I got here late...<BR>Had to do the shopping and cut my oldest son's hair... barber closed... and a slow ISP tonight... arghhhhh... enough of my life...<P>Ok... for <B>you</B> now... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Waywards and betrayed alike can and should start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>There are many betrayed here... get their insights...<BR>There are also many <B>waywards</B>... read their posts/replies especially... ask... ask... ask... (there is more openness here than you can imagine!) <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 01, 1999).]

Hi Brynn -<P>Well, Lostva, PL and Jim have the "what to do's" <BR>covered, and M's got the "what it feels <BR>like" covered......<P>I guess I'll be a pest and ask you some <BR>questions so we can get to know you!!<P>First, I want to say that I am very glad <BR>that you came here...there's no place <BR>better to learn about relationships, <BR>expectations, communication and all with <BR>the help of people who've been there in <BR>one form or another!!<P>Here is where you come to vent, cry, <BR>laugh and just learn so much about <BR>yourself and your marriage. There're no <BR>rules, really ....just honesty with tact <BR>and compassion!!<P>So, on to getting to know you!!! I'm <BR>glad to see that you and your H love each other and want this to work out...big first step and half the battle. <P>The first thing to look at I suppose would be why you felt the need for these other guys....Can you elaborate on that?<P>This is where we will need to begin - what seems to be missing in your marriage that compells you towards this.<P>Once the possible reasons are discovered and dealt with the rest will fall into place and you and H are on the way to a marriage so great you will be amazed!!!<P>So, fill us in with your thoughts about the reasons and let's get to work!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited December 01, 1999).]

Sorry for the double post...<BR>I had to move over to my other ISP...<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 01, 1999).]

I agree with the others. Be honest with your husband, tell him if you think your going to stray. With your help he can meet those needs your looking for and prevent any other problems. Communication is key.

Brynn,<P>Welcome! Like the others have stated you sre in the right place! If you'll read my story and posts and those of other betrayers you will get a good idea of what it feels like to be betrayed. In a word PAINFUL. This has been the most traumatic experience of my life.<P>My suggestion is find out why you have a need to stray. A GOOD councilor can help you look at you.<P>I really admire you for coming here and owning what you have done. Both you and you husband are going to need a truck-load of willingness to come out of this abetter couple.<P>I just read a great book on how to have a triumphant marriage. It's called Learning To Live With The Love Of Your Life and loving it, By Neil Clark Warren.<P>Keep coming back,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Wow!! I never thought that I'd feel so welcome since I am the 'betrayer'. Thanks to all who replied. I do want to learn why I do this (so it never happens again) and make my marriage work. Jim - I took notes on what suggestions you have for the things that I need to read. I have read 'His Needs, Her Needs' and my husband has read it as well. Maybe it is time to read it again.<BR>Honesty is where it starts (thanks for your words Nicole). I would never had told my husband about the last affair if I didn't read about honesty in this site. I had no intention of telling him but felt that 'we' couldn't begin to fix what was wrong until I told him the truth. I will never forget that day/night/week. I don't understand a lot of what he is feeling (because I have never been betrayed). I can only 'put myself in his shoes'. <BR>If I started to list the things that are so good in our marriage and what I love about him - I would end up with a novel. He loves me the same way. This is where I think the problem starts. We enjoy our time together so much that we don't talk about our thoughts and feelings that often (we have no kids either so there is no family distraction). He is so afraid of 'scaring' me off and losing me if he is upset or mad at me so he often just doesn't communicate that.<BR>The attention/communication that I received from these other men is what drew me to them. They didn't shower me with compliments - the just talked to me...and listened. My H listens as well but I sometimes feel that we both just take eachother for granted. I can't understand how I can develope loving feelings towards someone else when I have a H that loves me. This is why I am so confused. I need advice on how to open the communication doors wider. I don't ever want to stray again (my last affair was really deep and hard to end).<BR>Now I wonder how I can pour my heart out like in this post when I should be talking to my H about this right now.<BR>Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply. I am certain that I will feel support from this forum and for that I will always be thankful.<P>Brynn

Hi,<BR>Welcome. I too am a betrayer, and new to these boards. We are two months into recovery.<BR>I have to agree with honesty thing. It is the basis for all trust and you should get it all off your chest.<BR>My LW (loving wife) and I come to these boards together and seperately. Not only do we gain a forum for our thoughts and feelings, but also an alternative way of communicating with each other. (we have good communication to start with, this just expands it) The benifits of being here are almost to numerous to mention. Through posting to others on the different topics, we can further explore each others beliefs and feeling. In addition, we can use our painful experiences to offer some insight to others in similar situations or at least offer a different POV.<BR>I think that if you hang out here, you will eventually find the answers you are seeking. Funnily enough they will come from within. Eventually, you may elect to bring you LH (loving husband) here and surf together. You may find it easier to be honest with him, for one thing, by posting your thoughts and feelings instead of sitting down and 'having a talk'. Anyway, welcome,<BR>ttfn<BR>deut

Hi Brynn,<P>Welcome. I am a betrayed husband. i would give my right arm to have my wife seeking help as you are. I commend you for that. <P>As a betrayed man, I seek honesty and openness from my wife. I don't get it - but it's still my quest. <P>You can help your husband more than you know. I have been suffering alone for the most part. My wife is still involved emotionally with the OM and refuses to let go. Your husband is hurting. Images will pop up in his head at the most inappropriate time. He will think of good times you had together and then it will hit him that you were involved with someone else at the same time - and those memories will crush his spirit. He will feel like those good times were not genuine. <P>He needs comfort from you. I would love to hear my wife say or write that she loves me. I can't tell you how long it has been since i heard those words. <P>It's going to take time - lots of time. Seek counseling together. There are many things your husband can do to make you feel more attracted to him and I can certainly help with that. <P>NSR, gave you an incredible post. Read it carefully and follow the advice. <P>Where here for you - keep posting.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR>

Brynn,<BR>I like SHA would love for my W to seek the help that you are seeking. I too would love to hear those cherished words I love you. Your H needs comfort. Don't let him hang thinking all kinds of thoughts that are good for either of you.<P>His pain is great and it will never leave his mind, just as SHA said. Try to regain that what you had at the beginning of your relationship. Commit to him. Don't let him go because he hurts deeply and could fall prey to the same problem. I know because I have come close because I wanted comfort for so long. I am in my 6th year and 8 affairs by my count. I stay because I made a vow to be with her and because she has had a much harder childhood than I did. The harder childhood explains part of why she reacted the way that she did. She thought I had abandoned her with my approach to her needs. I am not saying that I wouldn't do what I have done thus far. I just would present it in a slightly different manner which would show her how much I truly care for her.<P>Good for you trying to get help. MONDO HUG!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

brynn, I have read you story and it is so similar to mine. My OW and I met at work also, only we still work together. My wife is Patient Love, who posted above. I think that if you want to see what it feels like for your husband..you should read her past postings. I am still in a real conflict at this point, and it is really hurting Nicole. I hope that you are able to "stick it out" for the long haul. My constant failings have not only hurt my wife but have hurt Chrissy (my OW) and her husband, as well. I realize that to him, I am the OM. This is a whole other ball of wax, in addition to being a "betrayer". The people in this forum have been a firm source of good info and insight for me. As for them being non judgemental, just look at some of my postings and you will see how they have all responded with love. They are REAL people with the real intention of helping you out. Take care of you and yours. Will keep track of your story as it unfolds.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurtful and neglecting. Arik<P>