My wife met with her counselor this week. She told my wife that she needed to completely separate from me and OM for six months.<P>She said that there was no way that her relationship with OM could get anywhere have started as an affair unless she separates for six months, determines what's important in her life and then chooses her path.<P>I'm not sure what this counselor is doing. Kinda sounds like plan B but It sounds like she's trying to give the other relationship a chance if it has one. This is just weird.<P>Anyway, I'm being as helpful and supportive to her as possible. She is under the impression that it would be best for me to move out. She will be looking for an evening job which means I will have the kids every night and morning (my prayers answered). She would have them on the weekends. I think they should spend the majority of the nights in the place they've come to know as "home." Seems less traumatic for them. Any dissagreement with that?<P>Anyway, our conversation over this lasted all morning. We both cried. I sat next to her and prayed for her and the kids and me. She even appologised for not being able to feel the way I wanted her to feel towards me. I told her that I still loved her and that I was not going to "start a war" over this and that I would be praying for her the whole six months. It was not an angry discussion but sad and full of sorrow.<P>I blame myself 90% for what has happened in our marriage. I left the door open for this to happen. So why should I get the kids every night and the appartment? <B>I don't want to push her away more by being greedy or appearing selfish</B>. I don't know. I'm confused. I need honest and wise input.<P>My purpose in keeping the kids is two fold. First, to keep the kids grounded to a place they call home. Second, if she is the one that wants to separate then she should move and feel the full effect of that decision. I want to make the BEST and WISEST decision for my FAMILY not for me.<P>Part of me wants to show her my strength, stand my ground and make her move. The other part wants to punish *me* for what I have allowed to happen to my family. I am reaping what I have sown by not being the husband I should have been.<P>Any input?

hopefull_1,<P>A faithful husband and loving father is what your kids need. Yes they need a <B>whole</B> mother too... but they can't have that just yet.<P>#1. <B>Don't move out.</B><P>#2. <B>Don't move out.</B><P>#3. <B>Don't move out.</B><P>God would never want to punish you... don't to it to yourself...<P>"Blame" is <B>not</B> the issue! Rebuilding the marriage <B>IS</B>!<P>Your logic about taking care of the children is so very sound... don't let anyone talk you out of it...(for they would be speaking for the evil one)<P>You W's counselor is a crack-pot...<BR>A suggestion like this (6 month separation) makes sense only if there is spousal abuse. Staying home to work on the marriage <B>is</B> the solution... leaving is an easy fix (as the addicts say)... and yes it will open her up to seeong the OM again.<P>Strength to you... <BR>Keep your kids in the most stable environment... with you. <BR>Prayer for your W. <P>I'll be praying for you. <P>Jim

NSR,<P>Thanks.<P>FYI OM is out of the country and she's been instructed to separate completely with him too.

If there was seriously something wrong with your health or the health of someone you love...would you do something drastic based on one professionals opinion...especially if you didn't know much about their credentials or they told you to do something that didn't sound quite right?<P>I'm betting you would seek a second opinion.<P>Who knows what your wife told this person or how competent this counselor is, but this is just nutty. Obviously she is looking at your wife's situation and ONLY considering your wife's interests...not the marriage and not those precious little children. She must be a secular, rather than a Christian counselor who is trying to help your wife determine what would make her happy. (gag)<P>When you talk to your wife, you might ask her what this counselor's motivation is. Although your wife seems confused, I doubt if even she would really see her own personal happiness as more important than even her children. Of course many do...especially during and immediately after an affair when they are not thinking clearly.<P>Would she consider going to a different counselor for another opinion?<P>It sounds like this six month seperation from OM...is to purify it? Yuck. That relationship will always be tainted.<P>Now for you. Why are you supporting this nuttiness? It is OK to say I DON'T AGREE and stand firm. This is compromising your own beliefs and values. Don't let this know nothing counselor and your confused wife steamrole you like this.<P>You can feel sorry for yourself or live in regret if you'd like....but I think the present calls for acknowledging the wrongs of the past, standing firm in the present and building a better future.<P>You don't let a marriage end to punish yourself. That's not biblical. Jesus doesn't want us to give up or stand by and allow that which is against his will because we are trying to punish ourselves. That's not our job. Our job is to confess our sins and then go and live a life according to His will. <P>Now I can't speak for God, but I'm doubting that it is his will that your family crumbles.<P>Lovingly let your wife know you do not agree with this counselor...that she is free to leave, but you don't want her to leave. Let her know that you are sorry about the past, but you can't change it. You can honor your marriage in the present and purposefully build it in the future. Then don't let her actions change your resolve.<P>Don't beg, don't plead, give her space, be nice...but honor your marriage and continue to work on being the man you want to be. Don't argue or persuade, just let her know you are making all your decisions based on how you can best honor your marriage and become the man that God intended...not out of greed or selfishness or a will to punish.<P>As for the children...it is their best interest to have a loving two parent home. Therefore it is their best interest to not wallow in unhappiness, but fight for a better life for them and for yourself. If your wife can not commit to the marriage, then like someone else says, let her pull the trigger. Let her leave. <P>You are not starting a war by not leaving. She is. Now I know that is not how she will see it, but maybe it will help if you see it that way. You are standing firm and honoring your family and your marriage. You can not control her actions, but you can keep your feet from walking out the door. You are not being greedy or appearing selfish by honoring your marriage.<P>You may be reaping what you have sown. You wife is reaping what she has sown. That doesn't mean you released from your marriage. Remember that old saying?<P>When the going gets tough...the tough get going!<P>How about "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."<P>Don't act like this skrewball opinion from one counselor is a perscription that you have to help fill. Get a second opinion. If you want your marriage and a two parent family for your kids, be prepared to fight for it...with strength and patience and love.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hopefull_1,<P><I>{This is a repeat of the post on the duplicate thread... wanted to make sure you see it!}</I><P>I very rarely post anymore, but your thread caught my eye, so I'm gonna try to help ya here...<BR>Plan B is for YOU to institute - not her. It is to protect the love you have remaining for a betraying spouse who will not stop the affair. <P>I don't know what the counselor is doing either, but she sounds like (parden the name calling before I say it) an idiot. Telling the betrayer to seperate is like giving her a license to go straight to the OM. <P>It is commendable that you take responsibility for the destruction of your marriage, but the affair is your W's sole responsibility. Don't forget that!<P>I agree about the children, and it sounds like your W does too... no harm in that!! You sound like a great dad!<P>I'm sure you'll get some sage advice, and as I said, I rarely post, but your story touched my heart.<P>Best wishes as you continue down the very difficult road...<P>~Sheryl<P>

hopefull-1,<BR> These counselors are a dime a dozen.I don't think a lot of them understand the dynamics(is that the right word?)of an affair.After my W's affair was exposed,we went to a so-called marriage counselor.He,too,told my W to separate,but to stay away from the OM.So after she moved out,her and OM were seeing each other again.This guy didn't seem to understand what my W was going through after having sex with another man.He seemed to believe her"We've grown apart"story.Later,I sent him a copy of"Private Lies".Not sure if he read it,but telling people to separate in order to"sort things out"will usually kill the marriage.Why should you move out?It's your home,too.You're not the one who cheated on her.I felt the same as you when I learned of her affair.I felt it was all my fault.But then I began to think of all the things she did wrong in our marriage.She wasn't a saint,or the perfect wife.Neither is yours.But she wants you to feel guilty because of what she did(just like my W did).Don't fall for that BS.It's NOT all your fault.Try to find someone else who understands infidelity that you both can talk to.Live in opposite ends of the house if you can.But when you separate,the marriage has a poor chance of surviving.If you were having open-heart surgery,wouldn't you get a second opinion?Even a third?Don't put your marriage in the hands of one person who calls themself a counselor.Please trust me on that.Take care. --Murph

Hopefull_1, I can only echo what everyone else here is saying, and can back it up from personal experience. DO NOT MOVE OUT! I made this idiotic mistake one too many times, while I was going thru an affair, and depression, and such a heavy guilt trip, that I actually thought it was the best thing to do to my family to not have a raving lunatic around. The best thing for your family is to stay intact at all cost. It is what God wants, and what your family needs. Don't do something that you will severely regret later. Take your thoughts captive to the word of the Lord. Find a christian counselor and one who would advise keeping your family together at all costs. Be prepared. She may still leave, because she is not in control of her thoughts, and is being blinded and fed false thoughts. You are too. You will also be hurting the children by leaving. They need you to stand firm. Take care - Guard.

I came back to say, like guard, NOT TO MOVE OUT! My H moved out twice, and put money down for an apartment yet a third time... each time he came back, lost money, and generally felt worse for the wear (ME TOO!)<P>And about that counselor... I meant what I said, and second everyone who said to get a second opinion! All of us older-timers know that when a betrayer leaves, it's to go straight to the OP. And I was one of those betrayers once, so I know what I'm talking about!!!!

Hi Hopeful,<P> I agree with everyone-don't move out. Being the cynic that I am lately, were you there at the counseling session when the counselor told your W to separate for 6mos? <BR>Just wondering what was really said and in what context? .....Don't mean to offend...LU