When fantasy becomes reality, it bites! <P>Called H last night. It was hard to talk to him, he kept interrupting. I finally told him to shut up and listen. It worked (so-so).<P>I told him everything (on the phone almost a hour). Explained in detail that his "friendship" with OW was limiting communication in marriage, eliminating recreational companionship between H & W, etc. I know it was a huge LB. It was a huge LB to me if I didn't' tell him these things so either way it was LB.<P>I didn't accuse him of having an EA. (if he comes to the site maybe get a realistic look at our situation) He knows what he's doing but resists having it "labeled".<P>I gave him the address to this site and told him to read some of the posts here, especially the ones concerning EA's. <P>I told him to make up his mind if he wants to continue the friendship with OW or if he wants to continue the marriage b/c he can't have both. He has 2 weeks to decide. I want his answer when he gets home. Also told him not to call me before he comes home in 2 weeks. (no contact)<P>He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, I'm imagining things, I'm crazy, I'm anything but normal. <P>I refused to listen to any of his excuses. I repeated my resolve that he make a decision. If he doesn't tell me that he has chose to work on our marriage then I will assume that his choice is to keep her friendship and dissolve the marriage.<P>Maybe I blew it. Maybe I drove him to her. Maybe I saved my sanity. Maybe this is what it takes for him to make a choice. <P>If he chooses her, what have I lost? He spends more time with her now, and they make ME feel like the OW who is coming between them. I refuse to allow him to continue treating me this way. <P>I don't know if I did right or wrong. Whatever it is, it's done. <P>Keo

Keosha,<P>I understand you are upset...<BR>and we all have a right to be upset...<BR>...but you may have gone too far.<P>Starting and sticking to a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> means... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Try not to be satisfied with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>...<BR>...call him back... let him know you were upset... and when he comes back in 2 weeks... you want both of you to start some marriage counseling... for the health of the marriage.<P>Threats and ultimatums will leave you empty... and worse for the wear.<P>Consider it, would you?<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Thanks Jim, the way I understand it, Plan A only works after the betrayer admits the problem.<P>I've been doing a off and on Plan A for several years and I think I've come to the end of my rope. I think that shows by my actions earlier in the week.<P>I did commit some angry outbursts. And I did make demands when we talked last night. <P>Your right about everything in your post. I shouldn't force him into a choice. Maybe I should just go to Plan B and see what happens. I know he doesn't want to leave. He doesn't think we have a problem. I've been meeting all of his needs and until this week very few LB's. <P>My problem is that he's not meeting any of my needs except Financial Support, of which the results leave me feeling empty. So I figured, "what have I got to loose"?<P>I've tried to get him into marriage counseling. He says that he's not the one with a problem and he will not let some stranger tell him how to live his life. <P>The way I see it I have 2 choices: <P>A. force him to make a choice. or<BR>B. continue the way things have been.<P>It's never easy to know what to do and in the highly emotional state I've been in lately it's even harder to function.<P>Maybe things will look better tomorrow.<P>Keo<BR>

Hey Keo,<P>I'm in the ultimatum kitchen myself tonight. I keep <B>trying</B> to tell myself that maybe things will look different in the morning.....not much hope though <P><BR>Sorry I can't help, no thoughful remarks, I feel like having a pity party but won't do so because of my kids. I'll check in with you tomorrow.

I <p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I was painting my d's room tonight thinking the same thing about plan a. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>did you open the windows? don't try to think while "flying" on fumes <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I think he thinks the only problem is me and the kids who are keeping him trapped. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>someone posted about opening the door to the cage and letting them free. I think they were talking about plan b, but maybe it works that way in plan a also, kind of like a symbolic freedom if that makes any since.<P>I know every time I start withdrawing from H it's like he has a radar sencing it and he starts "courting" me. <P>He wants the freedom but when he gets it then it's like he has to grab me and pull me back to him. <P>Keo<P>This roller coaster ride is for the birds! I get dizzy to easy.<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited February 26, 2000).]

My H moved out two weeks ago. The ow works with him sort of a partner. She can't go!!!!<P>He is really addicted and in a fantasy. He estranged himself from his mom and sibs for this as well.<P>He used to be so close to them. Now he says"they have their little lives. I have mine". <P>He also used to be very close to our kids. Now he doesn't want to be their buddy or friend.<P>He is especially detached from our 5 y.o.D<BR>She has a 4 y.o. d!!!!!<P>I am waiting for the bubble to burst, but don't know how it can when they spend 12 hours together in "life or death situations"<BR>He is MD, she his PA.