Hello to all,<P>I just got done with a four page letter I wrote to my husband asking every conceivable question, some very intimate about the OW. <P>I am going to give it to him tonight when he gets home from work after I pick him up. He is not going to be happy. He will probably be angry. He may refuse to read it or answer them. <P>I want to do this for once and all and get it all over with. I want to hurt one last big time instead of new things coming up or popping in my head. <P>There are literally 139 questions. After all he spent nearly two years with her and discussed marrying her.<P>So what do you all think. This is a somewhat panic situation as I have to leave to pick him up in just a little while.<P>Thanks in advance for your help.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I know from recent experience that I would rather know everything once and for all instead of finding out something new on a day that I thought was going good. I really don't know what your husbands reaction will be. All I can say is I would rather know.<BR>My posting is probably not the best gage, I am not in a very good frame of mind right now.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

However, in contrast sometimes I've learned that not knowing hurts less than knowing. It's easier to pass it off if you don't know, and besides it's in the past and it can't be changed. Why dwell? Although I do understand, but if I've been telling myself this constantly, and it has helped to subdue the pain and anger.

Nicole,<P>Thank you and I read your post. I wanted to respond to it but, I was in the throws of my own misery. Sorry! I am not a very good responder anyway and certainly not when I am in this mood.<P>This has been plaging me for a long time and he has answered many questions and some he has refused to answer. He is tired of me bringing her up.<P>This all started today when we were Christmas shopping and I caught him looking at little boys clothes. Clothes that would be for her son.<P>He raised my son and was not good to him really or never bonded with him. I resent this.<P>He will never share with me when she is in his thoughts. He just won't get intimate with me.<P>Anyway...I want to know and move on. I am as tired of all this as he is.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

KLS,<P>I understand what you say and believe me much that I know already hurts. I am a curious person and need to know these to move on. <P>Thanks for your advise and I will considerate before I give him the letter.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I will check this when I get home from picking him up while he is in the shower. <P>I will weigh all the advise and by the grace of God make the right choice.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Samantha-MI,<P>I'm going to say what you don't want to hear...<P>Unless you are in recovery long... <BR>Unless you know your H will not balk... <P><B>Don't do it</B>! <P>I understand your feeling...<BR>I'm with you on <B>your</B> desire...<P>But... this is a MAJOR <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<P>You will bring your H's self-esteem <B>way</B> down... rekindle H's feelings of guilt... make <B>big</B> withdrawals from his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>...<P>I know... I know... you want honesty...<BR>God... we all do...<P>But... you're going to bring up images of St. Peter at the gates of heaven... and he'll think... do not pass GO... go directly to jail(h@!!)... game over (for a while anyway)... <P><B>K</B>(LB guardian)... jump in here if you have time!<P>I wish you luck, if you decide to go ahead with your plan... it could work... but my personal feeling is that it won't. How about mutually working on a schedule of when <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Historical Honesty:</B> Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. (page 142 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... can be brought out on both your terms... Remember the... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. (page 97 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Think a little... pray a little... <BR>What I say... I say with love to you... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 01, 1999).]

Samantha,<P>My question to you is, are you and H trying to reconcile? Dr. H believes in complete honesty. I don't know if I want to know all the intimate details of my W's affair w/OB. It's enough to know she has a "strong" emotional attachment, and has slept with him. Do I believe she really loves him? No, I think he has deposited enough units in her love bank to make her feel like she loves him. I believe she is addicted to his company, after all she doesn't have to get real with him. Does that make sence? I know enough that I feel like I don't need to know more. At least not today. I hope I helped.<P>Praying for you,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Samantha<P>What you want to know is perfectly reasonable. But...<P>Don't expect him to answer...<P>Don't expect the truth...<P>Be prepared for him to answer, but in his own timeframe. Others have had this problem and have found it to be too much to expect unless your H is ready.<P>Ask him to answer the ones he wants to, some questions may be difficult to answer right now. Tell him you will likely have other questions that you'd like to add from time to time until it's all washed out. Try and approach it in a non-threatening way, to make it easier for him. Once everything has been thrashed out it will be better for both of you to know there are no more nagging thoughts. Good Luck! Remember JMHO.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

139??? I can't imagine what you're asking, but that's waaaayyyy too many questions. <P>I've written entire posts on just this subject! You <B>need</B> to know if they slept together, if you need STD tests, did he love her. You <B>do not</B> need to know if she had bigger nipples than you do. I'm not trying to be funny here, but with 139 questions, I bet you've got all sorts of things that you <B>think you want to know</B>, but when you find them out, you'll be sorry because there is nothing you can do to, for example, change the size of your nipples. <P>Ask what you <B>need</B> to know... not what you <B>want</B> to know, unless you are prepared for more hurt, possibly irreversable, because once he's told you, it will be in your memory forever.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Samantha - Don't do this unless you have both talked about the process first. It is best to do it with a counselor - hopefully you are in counseling. It took eight months before my husband was willing to answer my questions. This just occured this week and it took three hours with our therapist, not counting the hour the week before when he wrote down all the questions I could think of off the top of my head. It was very very painful for both of us. But we have survived so far. One of my husband's big fears was the questions would never end - we are both lawyers and every answer just invites another question. After round one we came back the next week with the additional questions that were raised by his answers. I thought I could put it in a box and bury it but today another nagging question kept popping into my head. I guess what I am trying to say is this is not something you just spring on him as you pick him up from work. It requires some introduction - I spent a long time talking about the reasons I wanted the questions answered before we even got to the questions.<BR>You also have to keep in mind if the affair is over and your H is remorseful this will take him back to a place he doesn't want to go. Sometimes it seems to me that male betrayers are much more adept at compartmentalizing the affair and forgetting it. Also, if the affair went on for awhile your H may simply not remember some of the details you seek. I was surpised to hear my H's biggest fear was that I would leave him when I heard the answers. Please don't be hasty about something like this. If you want I can share with you some of the reasons I gave to my H so he could better understand why I needed answers - and understand it was not to get information to punish him or cause him pain.<BR> Simone

Samantha-MI<P>I have been trying to respond to your post since 8:30, but have had technical difficulties in submitting my reply.<P>Hope you are still holding onto the letter?<BR>You have already received great advise, many of the things I was trying to tell you.<BR>Please wait and think things through before you give him your letter.<P>You said in your post, that when you give him the letter, "He is not going to be happy. He is probably going to be angry"<BR>Is that what you want?<P>You also said. "He has answered many of your questions and some he has refused to answer. He is tired of me bringing her up"<BR>Sounds to me that maybe you should give it a rest. At least for a little while. Give him some space. If you keep pushing with the never ending list of questions, you may drive him away.<P>Some questions to consider.<P>1. By asking my husband each of these 139 questions. Will it bring me happiness?<P>2. Will asking these questions create more love between you and your husband?<P>3. Will asking these questions, lead to a never ending list of new questions.<P>4. By asking these questions. Will it lead to a more harmonious rtelationship with your husband?<P>5. Will asking these questions, make my husband feel guilty or ashamed, to the point he wants to leave?<P>I will pass along a quote that I hope will be of help.<P>" I used to say. I sure hope things will change. Then I learned that the only way things are going to change for me is when I change." <BR> Jim Rohn<P>If you have not recently read the article "Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself" it also may be of help. You can find it at <A HREF="http://WWW.Weiner-Davis.com." TARGET=_blank>WWW.Weiner-Davis.com.</A> <P>Peace be with you!

Samantha-MI,<P>I agree with some of the posts here - I would not ask all these questions. WAAAAYYYYY too much to know. Somedetails are important, but that level of detail will frustrate and hurt your H and may only lead to more hurt for you and ANOTHER list of 139 questions you will want answers to once (if)you get these answered!!!!<P>I agree with M Go BLUE - will these answers HELP your marriage or just satisfy your curiosity?? I know how it is to go NUTS over the imaginings and the not knowing. Then my H gave me alot of details and I was just as hurt by KNOWING. Now, I prefer NOT to ask and NOT to know. In my case, my H is not home and still involved with the OW and THAT is as much as I need to know right now. Your H is home and appears NOT to be involved with OW, and maybe you should concentrate on that!<P>Think it over beofre you really upset the fragile relationship with you and your H.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I hope you are still holding on to that letter. Believe me I understand how you feel, I really do. I understand the "triggers" - I still have them and I let them pass. At first I would ask my husband a number of questions and I would think okay thats it and the next day I'd need to know something else. His answers never really satisfied me, they just brought new questions. I think its ok to sit and talk to him about how you feel but give him some space. When my H & I first got back together, I'd say I need to talk to you and I know he dreaded it, he knew what was coming. I have left him alone about it and you know what, he doesnt flinch when the subject of infidelity comes up. And I do talk about it and he is suprisingly open. I think my H feels safe in talking about it now. 139 answers will bring many more questions - maybe not right away but you'll be thinking of his answers and then you will probably have questions about his answers. confusing huh? I know how hard this is and how much it hurts. I hope it gets better - time really does help and in time you may not really need to know every detail. You will just be working hard at moving forward in your marriage. Good Luck Magoskid

((((((((((Samantha)))))))))<P>you read my post......letter to my H.<P>you know where I stand on this......<P>post it here...<P>I posted my letter.....I never actually presented it to my H....ok, he read it here, but ......<P>post here. vent here.<P>the answers will come.<P>if he commits to your marriage, the answers will come.<P>you cannot protect yourself from later hurt this way....thoughts and visuals will come unbidden....whether you know all in one lump question and answer session, or if you know in drips and drabs....<P>hug yourself, be proud of yourself.....YOU WROTE IT!!!!! you let it out, and you didn't stuff it way inside....<P>but post it here. or email it to one or some of us....<P>take care of you<P>Dylan

Dearest Patient Love, KLS, NSR, WilliamJ, awoken, new_beginning, Simone, M Go BLUE, Roll Me Away, magoskid, soulloss,<P>Whew!!! I think I got you all in there.<P>I did it anyway but after reading all your responses I think with God's help too I did it correctly.<P>You can all read my post that explains how it all went and how I am feeling. Here is the link...<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010268.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010268.html</A> <P>My heartfelt thanks to all of you. I don't think I have ever had dearer or more needed friends than all of you here. My blessings are many and I wish as many or more blessings to each and every one of you here at Marriage Builders.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>