After speaking to my wife last night she was upset when I told her that I had told an old friend of mine all about the affair she has been having for the past 10 months. (see my posts under "Can this marriage survive").<P>She says that the more people I tell will eventually jeaoporodise any chances we may have had of getting back together. She believes she will be portrayed as the guilty one to all our friends.<P>Meanwhile she has told quite a few of our friends now about the affair and obviously in as favourable terms as she can to justify her actions.<P>My question is am I being unreasonable in telling the facts to certain close friends? I feel that it helps me to cope with the issues giving me a chance to reflect from them. I feel that some of the friends she has told are already polarised in their views towards us. <P>I also am aware that it will effect our relationships when and if we get back together but I am select in who I tell, most of our friends aren't even aware she has a boyfriend and are unaware of the full reasons as to why we have now been separated for 3-4 months. <P>I would really appreciate your views.<BR>fairenough.<P>------------------<BR>

fairenough -- Let me be a harda$$ for minute. She doesn't want people to know what she did . . .That's just too da*n bad isn't it. Maybe she should have thought about that before she started.<P>Now that I have that off my chest. . . <P>We all have to find a way to cope with what we are going through. Sometimes the best way available to us, is to turn to friends and sometimes family.<P>The important thing to remember though is not so much WHAT you tell others, but HOW.<P>By way of example. . .When my W left me, I turned immediately to my family. They were understandably upset. At first I needed to hear that very much. But as time went on, I came to realize that I truly did love my W, and was willing to do anything necessary to salvage our marriage. As I continued to talk with my family, they continued their derogatory statments and attidues toward my W. I had to put a stop to that behavior. I basically told them what I felt and why. How much blame I placed on myself for our marital problems, and that I would not tollerate them making my W out to be solely responsible.<P>My W and I <B>ARE</B> back to gether and working on our marriage. We have a lot of other problems going on which we can not control, but we are doing better than we have in a very long time. My family has been very supportive of everything my W and I are going through and have gone through. They are also very supportive of my W. And that is the way things are supposed to be.<P>I hope my little rant at first didn't scare you off, and I hope I was able to give you some answers.<P>God Bless

Hi,<P>When my H and I went through this I needed to talk to my friends. I could not have survived this without them. Did it make him look like a s**t, yes but at the time guess what he was s**t. I really did what I needed to. Now that we are together - yes it does seem a little weird around certain friends. Its actually my friends that say to me that its hard for them to be the same w/him knowing how much he hurt me. They know the reasons I decided to give us another chance and they respect that. They may not agree w/me but they understand. My H used to say your friends only hear one side - true but what he did was wrong and nothing justifies it so what other side is there? It may depend on where you are in your relationship now. If you are seriously trying to work things out - I dont think its a good idea to tell all of your friends. But if you are telling your friends for support then do what you need to do.<P> Magoskid

Empty shell ... you cracked me right up with that opening statement ... LOL. Thanks for validating what I believed was the right thing to do, in all of this I think this is an important issue as the support of friends is, I believe, crucial if and when we finally get back together. <P>Magoskid thanks for your comments. The issue you raise with repect to "where we are at with our relationship" is an important one, as I firmly believe we will get back together. As a result anything done in this area now is sensistive.<P>Thanks once again for your your views they have been extremely valuable. <P>Fairenough

I told only my best friend (who lives in another state) about our situation, and then only because I had to explain why I couldn't go on a trip with her. My H didn't ask me to keep quiet, but it seemed to be the best course of action. <P>I wanted to tell my family SO badly, because I would have loved the unconditional support and love, but I knew from the beginning that I wanted to try to work it out. This kind of thing hasn't happened in my family (that I know of) and they all think that he adores me. It would have been hard for the rest of our lives if my family hated his guts for hurting me, so I kept it quiet. We didn't tell his parents either. We have been in counseling for 16 months, so we could at least talk about it there.<P>I think you have the right to talk to whomever you want, just think it through as to whether telling other people will hinder y'all's recovery.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dancer812 (edited December 02, 1999).]

FE - I've told exactly two other people about my W's affair, our couples counselor during sessions we had (we quit after this) and a good friend in another state who called one night when W was away on a trip and I was more than slightly inebriated. (Probably wouldn't have told him if I'd been stone sober.) Don't think my W has told ANYONE, though, not even her individual therapist. (She told him that I'd accused her of having an affair and then denied to him that she was.)<P>In your case, since your W has told several other people, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to tell whoever you damned well please. Agree with Empty Shell - too freaking bad. If she's worried about her reputation, she shouldn't have had the affair in the 1st place! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want my kids to find out. (13,10 &3) I didn't tell his family (sister would have been wonderful support and his whole family would have rallied around our marriage and shook him til his head fell off) because I didn't to hurt them. It would have. <P>Basically I did not want my H to lose his good reputation...maybe as much as for my sake as for his.<P>I questioned my silence because I thought keeping his secret may make it easier for him to continue. <P>If he had continued, I would have had no problem blowing him out of the water...especially when I found out he had went somewhere as public as her work Christmas party.<P>But basically I believe it is up to you. Empty Shell's initial answer says it all!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I told my closest two friends and my sister. They were invaluable help and support. My H (betrayer) has not told anyone. When his depression got so bad, I called his best friend from out of town and arranged for them to meet halfway and have a visit. I only told the friend that he was depressed and needed a friend to talk to. I thought sure H would confide in him, but he did not. When I asked H why, he said he was too ashamed of what he had done. So, the betrayer wants NO ONE to know. But I say, tell who you feel the need to tell to help you survive this insanity.