I posted here almost a month ago about my H not wanting to give her up! Well he still won't give her up and I am thinking on starting plan B. I bought and read "surviving an affair" which has helped.(me). H still won't go to counseling with me and still sees her regularly. I guess my question is if I start plan B do I need to give the OW a copy of the letter? Is is wise? Will it just give her information to run with? Also I would need to be at the house for a couple hours to do my college work on the computer, while H is at work is this also a wise choice? When I leave we will loose the house which I can live with but can my H ever forgive me for that? Also can I get a restaining order against the OW so she can not see my children? Lots of questions please hurry with responses as I am planning on leaving soon. P.S. I told the children last night(only because therapist thought I should be honest with them, it damn near killed me)<P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>I posted here almost a month ago about my H not wanting to give her up! Well he still won't give her up and I am thinking on starting plan B. I bought and read "surviving an affair" which has helped.(me). H still won't go to counseling with me and still sees her regularly. I guess my question is if I start plan B do I need to give the OW a copy of the letter? Is is wise? Will it just give her information to run with? Also I would need to be at the house for a couple hours to do my college work on the computer, while H is at work is this also a wise choice? When I leave we will loose the house which I can live with but can my H ever forgive me for that? Also can I get a restaining order against the OW so she can not see my children? Lots of questions please hurry with responses as I am planning on leaving soon. P.S. I told the children last night(only because therapist thought I should be honest with them, it damn near killed me)<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sharlene,<P>I am new here also. So, I have not read any of your other posts. However, it seems to me from what little I know, that it is too soon to start plan B. I know you are hurting badly.<P>Keeping your marriage together is your top priority, is it not? Living apart at this stage will not solve anything. It may feel like it would, but I don't see the benefit to you and your children. Plan A appartently takes some time. How strong are you doing Plan A? Might I suggest getting the His Needs, Her Needs book (library?) and the Workbook. It is very important to get workbook from the MB site. You can photocopy the Emotional Needs inventory for Her & Him. Make two copies of each Emotional Inventory. If your husband will not talk with you, pretend to be him and fill out the questionnaire. I believe this will show you the things you need to do to do Plan A the best you can. If you move, a) the OW gets to meet all his needs (for now - would change if they got married!) and b) your kids would not see their Dad. Forget the legal stuff - restraing order etc. Way too soon for that. It would just start a war. Remember your goal - H says he still loves you. You want him to increase that and decrease feelings for OW. Also, remember he has lost his mind. Really. He will say and do things that are totally without reason. You must be thoughtful in your actions and you need to ask yourself everytime - Does this help me achieve my long term goal of restoring my marriage? It is easier to turn and run and think of how much you are hurting. Which you have every right to. But your family is under attack, your husband has lost his mind and in addition is hurting you tremendously. You are the one to keep it together. God will always help you. The forum will help you. Stick it out, and try to implement Plan A with experise and wonderful flair. Forget any actions, thoughts of, reasons for the OW. She will only drain away energy you need for your family.<P>Who is this counseler? Why would she advocate moving so soon? If there is violence, yes! Right NOW. But if there is not, please call the telephone center at the MB site. For $85 you will get the best possible insight and plan of action. If this seems like a lot of money, think of it this way - how much does it cost you to go to the doctor? You will have to if your nerves are being under constant stress. Try to remain calm. From what I have read, there is much hope for your husband and you. It will come. Call Steve H. tomorrow before any moving.<P>I will pray for you, your children, and your husband. You can do this.<P>V.

How long so I continue? This has been going on since July of 99 with this OW. He spends 2 nights a week with her and the kids ask me where their dad is. Thats why I told them.Do I have to fake this marriage? Is that what I am suppose to do? Yes I love my H very much and H loves me and the OW. So what so I do? Jump up and down with happiness when he comes home from her house after spending time having sex with her? I can't do it anymore. The smell of her is revolting.<P>------------------<BR>

Sharlene,<P>I remember your original posts. I thought you should have started Plan B long ago, but I'm glad that you are doing it now.<P>Your situation is very unique and Plan B sounds like the step you need to take.<P>About using the computer, can you use the computer at college (if I can remember, did you mention in one of your original posts that you went back to college? Forgive me because I can't quite recall). Anyway, if you are in college, the library sometimes has computers that students can use.<P>In regards to giving the OW a copy of the letter. I don't know if you should or not. Maybe others can provide input or views on that.<P>As far as worrying about being blamed for losing the house. You shouldn't be concerned about what your H thinks. After all, he is the one who created this mess. He'll just have to deal with the consequences. Don't even worry about him.<P>What you need to do, is just focus on taking care of yourself & your kids' needs.<P>Is your H helping you financially? If he isn't, then I suggest seeing a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and your kids.<P>It's going to be hard but I know you can do it. Stay strong. I'll be praying for you.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited February 28, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>How long so I continue? This has been going on since July of 99 with this OW. He spends 2 nights a week with her and the kids ask me where their dad is. Thats why I told them.Do I have to fake this marriage? Is that what I am suppose to do? Yes I love my H very much and H loves me and the OW. So what so I do? Jump up and down with happiness when he comes home from her house after spending time having sex with her? I can't do it anymore. The smell of her is revolting.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow! Sorry, I did not know the full story. Definitly you need the advice of those in the know. Don't let him come home and have sex with you if you know he is with her. NO, NO, NO. I guess Plan B is called for. Please excuse me for giving you advice based on the one post I read. I certainly would not have endeavored to advise you if I had realized your complete story. Sorry. Yikes! Call the experts - Dr. Steve or Jennifer Harley.<P>I will hope for the best for you and your family.<P>V.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>How long so I continue? This has been going on since July of 99 with this OW. He spends 2 nights a week with her and the kids ask me where their dad is. Thats why I told them.Do I have to fake this marriage? Is that what I am suppose to do? Yes I love my H very much and H loves me and the OW. So what so I do? Jump up and down with happiness when he comes home from her house after spending time having sex with her? I can't do it anymore. The smell of her is revolting.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow! Sorry, I did not know the full story. Definitly you need the advice of those in the know. Don't let him come home and have sex with you if you know he is with her. NO, NO, NO. I guess Plan B is called for. Please excuse me for giving you advice based on the one post I read. I certainly would not have endeavored to advise you if I had realized your complete story. Sorry. Yikes! Call the experts - Dr. Steve or Jennifer Harley.<P>I will hope for the best for you and your family.<P>V.

Yes I am a full time student and I can use the computers at school. But I was thinking that while he is at work I could be at the house and use our computer and the kids could also ride home from school on their original bus(I am trying to keep things going as smoothly as possible for them). I don't know, should I do this ,or just leave the house and never return? I wonder, should I just leave plan B letter at the house or do I hand it in person? The OW will just love this idea she has always wanted my H for herself and I feel like I am handing him over to her, is this normal feelings? I am so confused and this is crazy but I don't want to hurt my H, but by being here I am enabling him to see her. When things are going great here he always slips in more time with her(he thinks if I am in a good mood then he can scheldule more time with her and I won't mind). Will this just throw them togther for good? My H has said in the past he would give me support for the children but I will still see about a lawyer. Thank you so much for responding<P>------------------<BR>

YOU DEFINITELY NEED PLAN B! What would you do if you didn't have a computer at his house? You would find another place to use a computer! Your H may spend all of his time with the OW IN THE BEGINNING! But believe me that will last 1-3 months TOPS! He will then see that you are ACTUALLY MOVING on without him! YOU ALREADY HAVE CONTROL OF HIM! Can't you see how he is using the "I WON'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT" if you leave me as a scared powerplay. He is trying to scare you. What court is going to say that a man/woman is NOT RESPONSIBLE TO PAY FOR THE CARE OF A CHILD! He is truly in fantasy land! PLAN B AND STICK TO IT! Have a family member or friend deal with the arrangements of pick-ups and drop-offs of the kids. This will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but you will make it through if you stand by your own moral character and show your kids that this is NOT the way a person should treat another human being in a relationship, it is not normal.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>Yes I am a full time student and I can use the computers at school. But I was thinking that while he is at work I could be at the house and use our computer and the kids could also ride home from school on their original bus(I am trying to keep things going as smoothly as possible for them). I don't know, should I do this ,or just leave the house and never return? I wonder, should I just leave plan B letter at the house or do I hand it in person? The OW will just love this idea she has always wanted my H for herself and I feel like I am handing him over to her, is this normal feelings? I am so confused and this is crazy but I don't want to hurt my H, but by being here I am enabling him to see her. When things are going great here he always slips in more time with her(he thinks if I am in a good mood then he can scheldule more time with her and I won't mind). Will this just throw them togther for good? My H has said in the past he would give me support for the children but I will still see about a lawyer. Thank you so much for responding<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>sharlene,<P>First CALL TODAY for a telephone conference. you really need their insight. And then go to "just found out" and see cossie's posting on prespective on male infidility. He really hits the mark. Maybe it describes your H, maybe not. (cossie is male). Blessings to you, and CALL, CALL, Call. Reading cossie's post might help you calm down.<P>V.

My H would be at work during the hours I would need to be at the house using the computer. Also the kids would go with me, we have a camper that we can use until I find something else. Does anyone know if I can get a restraining order against OW, not because I think she would hurt the kids I just don't want her around them. When my H schedules time with the kids I don't want her in the picture. The OW also goes to the same college as me, isn't that wonderful!<P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>My H would be at work during the hours I would need to be at the house using the computer. Also the kids would go with me, we have a camper that we can use until I find something else. Does anyone know if I can get a restraining order against OW, not because I think she would hurt the kids I just don't want her around them. When my H schedules time with the kids I don't want her in the picture. The OW also goes to the same college as me, isn't that wonderful!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Getting a restraining order at this time would only cost you money and cost you alot of grief. Tell your husband you do not want the kids around the ow. Don't get into a big fight about it - it would be useless. Bringing in the legal people will start you down a path that is very tough. It certainly is right at some point, but is this it? I don't know. Use the money to talk with the Harley's. It is only $85 and well worth it. Your health problems will continue until you get some insight and sense of direction. Please re-consider the restraining order. Perhaps others have better advice for you than I. Keep posting.<BR>V.

I have decided to leave tomorrow morning. My H isn't here tonight so we have the camper packed and ready to go. H is at OW, he left work early today because he is sick but he wasn't to sick to spend the night with her. I even asked him to come home and I would take care of him, he said no today is tueday and it was already scheduled! I gave him one last chance I think I have given him enough. I see the therapist tomorrow. My H will find out tomorrow that I have left.Any insights?<P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sharlene smith:<BR><B>I have decided to leave tomorrow morning. My H isn't here tonight so we have the camper packed and ready to go. H is at OW, he left work early today because he is sick but he wasn't to sick to spend the night with her. I even asked him to come home and I would take care of him, he said no today is tueday and it was already scheduled! I gave him one last chance I think I have given him enough. I see the therapist tomorrow. My H will find out tomorrow that I have left.Any insights?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are certainly in a very very tough situation. I don't have any insight at all. I just cannot believe he tells you he is going to stay with ow! Good Grief! And your poor children. Someday he will realize what he did to his kids, and he will hang his head in shame. It is a good thing you see your therapist tomorrow. I will say a pray for you and your family. Just remeber: Your husband has lost his mind. Don't let anything he tells you upset you. Just keep reminding your self he is walking and talking without a brain. How these people let themselves get so mixed up is almost beyond me. I see it, but I don't believe it. Best wishes. V.