I guess this should be no surprise to me, I should have seen it coming after finding out H was looking up divorce on the net last week. <P>Last night I went to bed hoping for some sleep, which I have not had in about 2 1/2 weeks now. My health is starting to fail due to all the non-LBing I've been doing by holding it all in. I had 10 minutes of sleep the night before last and woke up yesterday to my thyriod protruding out of my neck and feeling really awful. I am calling the Dr today and will probably be going for some tests. I have to take care of myself for the girls sake. <P>H tells me when I got in bed last night that we need to work out our differences(WOW! this is what I've been saying all along!). Being I have not been sleeping well I didn't think this was a good time to bring this up so I just listened, I am exhuasted I want sleep!!! Well I guess me listening and not saying anything got him mad and the next thing I know hes out on the couch.<P>I woke up after not sleeping most of the night and found H in the kitchen making his lunch and I went to explain why I just listened and didn't say anything. I got a "whatever" out of him and he left. <P>A little later I came online to check my mail and found a letter from H stating he will be moving out by the end of the week because "We are not happy and can no longer live like this". H feels that we don't love him and that the girls are taking my side on all of this. He feels that everyone has turned against him. <P>He doesn't see the fact that for years now he has isolated himself from all of us. He is hiding behind a wall that I can not break through for anything. I have tried and don't know where to go from here. <P>So, I guess this is where it stands for us. I'll be waiting to actually see what happens by the end of the week. <P>Trying to stay as positive as I can!<P>falsely accused

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by falsely accused:<BR><B>I guess this should be no surprise to me, I should have seen it coming after finding out H was looking up divorce on the net last week. <P>Last night I went to bed hoping for some sleep, which I have not had in about 2 1/2 weeks now. My health is starting to fail due to all the non-LBing I've been doing by holding it all in. I had 10 minutes of sleep the night before last and woke up yesterday to my thyriod protruding out of my neck and feeling really awful. I am calling the Dr today and will probably be going for some tests. I have to take care of myself for the girls sake. <P>H tells me when I got in bed last night that we need to work out our differences(WOW! this is what I've been saying all along!). Being I have not been sleeping well I didn't think this was a good time to bring this up so I just listened, I am exhuasted I want sleep!!! Well I guess me listening and not saying anything got him mad and the next thing I know hes out on the couch.<P>I woke up after not sleeping most of the night and found H in the kitchen making his lunch and I went to explain why I just listened and didn't say anything. I got a "whatever" out of him and he left. <P>A little later I came online to check my mail and found a letter from H stating he will be moving out by the end of the week because "We are not happy and can no longer live like this". H feels that we don't love him and that the girls are taking my side on all of this. He feels that everyone has turned against him. <P>He doesn't see the fact that for years now he has isolated himself from all of us. He is hiding behind a wall that I can not break through for anything. I have tried and don't know where to go from here. <P>So, I guess this is where it stands for us. I'll be waiting to actually see what happens by the end of the week. <P>Trying to stay as positive as I can!<P>falsely accused</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hang in there. Life is so difficult sometimes, isn't it? You are trying your best. Do have a discussion with your Dr. about your situation. Tell him you need a little more of his time today. He will then give you more (perhaps). Do ask him or Her. Take care.<BR>Victoria (I'm new - I am praying for you.)

Victoria, <P>Thank you for your prayers. Yes life is extremely difficult sometimes. <P>I didn't get into the Dr as planned today. She didn't have an opening today. I go tomorrow around noon time. I will be speaking to her about all the stress and whats been going on in my life too and see what she suggests. <P>Update: I wrote H a letter in a nice blank card I had here. This is what I wrote:<P>I just wanted to let you know I recieved your letter this morning.<P>I do love you. I do care. But I want you to be happy.<P>The girls do love and care also.<P>We all want to see the happy, smiling, joking ***(dad) that use to be around. <P>I would be willing to talk but I don't want to hurt you either. <P>The lack of communication is killing this relationship. Please if we are going to talk lets just do it before laying down in bed. <P>Love, *****<P>Well, I got a nasty response out of that. What more can I say. I had dinner on the table when he came home and he refused to eat with us. When he left to go out to his other job he said in a very nasty tone "whenever you want to talk." I offered to talk to him tonight but with the attitude he had when he left I don't know if thats such a good idea. It might just turn into a big LBing session if we decide to talk tonight. I'm trying so hard right now to hold it all together because the girls don't know any of this has happened today. D#1 asked why dad didn't eat with us and I just said I don't know. <P>Any suggestions on how I should handle this??<P>falsely accused<P>P.S. I noticed the card in his back pocket when he left, I don't know what that meant but it was there. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by falsely accused:<BR><B>Victoria, <P>Thank you for your prayers. Yes life is extremely difficult sometimes. <P>I didn't get into the Dr as planned today. She didn't have an opening today. I go tomorrow around noon time. I will be speaking to her about all the stress and whats been going on in my life too and see what she suggests. <P>Update: I wrote H a letter in a nice blank card I had here. This is what I wrote:<P>I just wanted to let you know I recieved your letter this morning.<P>I do love you. I do care. But I want you to be happy.<P>The girls do love and care also.<P>We all want to see the happy, smiling, joking ***(dad) that use to be around. <P>I would be willing to talk but I don't want to hurt you either. <P>The lack of communication is killing this relationship. Please if we are going to talk lets just do it before laying down in bed. <P>Love, *****<P>Well, I got a nasty response out of that. What more can I say. I had dinner on the table when he came home and he refused to eat with us. When he left to go out to his other job he said in a very nasty tone "whenever you want to talk." I offered to talk to him tonight but with the attitude he had when he left I don't know if thats such a good idea. It might just turn into a big LBing session if we decide to talk tonight. I'm trying so hard right now to hold it all together because the girls don't know any of this has happened today. D#1 asked why dad didn't eat with us and I just said I don't know. <P>Any suggestions on how I should handle this??<P>falsely accused<P>P.S. I noticed the card in his back pocket when he left, I don't know what that meant but it was there. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your card was very good. Even if he does not say much, it does have a positive impact on him. I guess you have to more clearly, sweetly tell him you are sorry you did not talk, not because you did not want to, just that you were so tired. Do remind him that you are happy he is with you, and you like sleeping next to him. Tell him he is all you want, and you will discuss anything that is bothering him, and work toward finding a solution that makes sense for the family. Keep giving him cards with your written words. You are doing the right things. Hang in there.<BR>V.

FA --<P>I think the card was great. Simple, to the point, and not threatening or judgemental.<P>If you do talk tonight, be on best behavior. I'm certain (personal experience) that he'll LB til the cows come home. In the end, it will do him good to get whatever it is bothering him off his chest. But, the process will be very hurtful to you. Bite your tognue. If you do, perhaps he will realize how hurtfulhe was toward you and come to his senses.<P>Also, make a point to get to the doctor. Tell him -- you don't need to get specific -- about problems at home. He may be abletomake some suggestions.<P>As usual, protect yourself and your kids. Can't remember who says it on this site -- (maybe it's trustintruth), but the truth hurts. But it hurts alot less than always wondering if your preceptions are accurate or if you're going out of your mind.<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone

Back to top...<P>FA --<P>Any update?<P>--keystone

Hey I'm here finally! Long night, even longer day! <P>Well 1st update: The Doc thinks I'll be ok, nothing too serious. Might not be my thyroid, my be a lymph node problem, too close together to really tell by feeling it. I have to get blood work done tomorrow and then next Thur. I have to have an ultrasound of my thyroid done. Have a major migraine today so it will take me a while to type this. Had all of 5 minutes of her(Dr.) time. Great managed healthcare plan we have!<P>2nd update: I sat up and waited for H to get home last night and when he came in he was in a defensive mood. Well I stayed calm as I could and said we have to discuss this. He then proceeded to get very defensive and I said look its basically the same things we have discussed before and he agreed. But I took it one step further. I made him sit down with me and look at me when we talked this time.<P>I was more open and totally honest this time. I have to thank Jim(NSR) "Thank you Jim" this time for his advice on using the words "I feel". I tried really hard not to put any blame on him and let him know exactly what "I" was feeling. Yes, keystone, I was totally honest about the old HS friend too! I figured why not if this is going to end I might as well spill it all. <P>I also probed a little into "His" feelings by trying to get him to open up a little. I didn't get much but I did get a little out of him this time. H almost broke down a couple of times. I know a lot of what I said especially things I mentioned about the girls really got to him this time. He did admit to me that he has no clue as to what to do or how to raise kids. Like any of us really do! I said its all trial and error and you do your best, but you can't ignore the fact that you have kids. <P>We talked about trying to get out and do things together as a couple, as a family, with and without friends. We also talked about the fact that I am having a hard time getting over the accusations. I told him how hard this is for me, because I don't feel he has any trust in me. <P>I used an example to explain this to him. He was passed up for a promotion at work about 6 years ago by someone under him and with less time in the company. He still hasn't gotten over this and might never get over it. So I told him that if its been 6 years and hes still not over this then how am I suppose to get over the accusations that he made so fast. I think he finally understood where I was coming from.<P>We talked about an article that was in our local paper yesterday(keystone are you listening to this part???). What a day for this article to come out! Title:"Addicted to Work" - "Are you a Workaholic". We discussed what the article said and how being a workaholic makes relationships suffer very badly. How there's never time for spouse or kids. Well H did admit to being a workaholic. <P>So for now H will be staying here. We are going to try and work on this. But I did state to him I can only do this if I really see some progress on his part this time. I basically said "if you don't like yourself how can any of us like you". He has to work on those issues. I can't do it for him. I'm his spouse, partner in life not his mother(small LB there, but true!).<P>There were a couple of things he said to me that have me wondering about some of the things people here have said to me about why he might have accused me. He said "if either one of us had an affair theres nothing we can do about it anyway". And he also stated something else about "friends(female) at his work", that I can't think of now. What that was suppose to mean I don't know, but I was not going to question it at that time.<P>So I did my best not to LB big time, I'm sure there were a few small ones that got in, but I was proud of myself for staying so calm, which in turn made him stay calm.<P>Still staying as positive as I can!<P>falsely accused<P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited March 01, 2000).]

Congradulations! You did an excellent job. Keep it up no matter what. Good, Good, Good!<P>I liked the part about the kids. He was brave to verbalize this to you. Your response was very good and right on the mark. Reassure him with humor on this point. Who the heck knows exactly what to do ever? The only thing I really know for sure is that when it is my time to leave this earth, I am going to head for heaven as fast as I can and see if I get in!<P>The sun shines for you and your family today!<P>Victoria

FA --<P>Way to go. You're stronger than I am. Not only that, but I'm real impressed that you told him about the old HS friend. Proves that you have nothing to hide and that you are wanting to work on the marriage. The fact that you're talking about doing things as a couple and as a family is a big step. <P>Re:raising kids... Nobody "knows" how to raise them. You just kind of do it and hope for the best. Perhaps, even, the kids may do a bit to raise the parents. Ironic in a wierd way.<P>Re: the things he said about afairs and his female co-worker friends. Try not to read anything into it yet. (I know I can't do it, but maybe you can.) But, maybe you have to reiterate that you want to look FORWARD, not NOT BACKWARD. It's not easy to overlook the past, and it's not without pain. But, if you both acknowledge that there is a future, together you can make it happen. But, it has to be together!<P>Also, make sure that he tells you how he feels, and leaves the door open for you to do the same to him. You cannot rebuild without the communication. I have none of this in my marriage now. I cannot even inquire without somehow LBing. Perhaps you'll have better luck in this area that I'm having.<P>Re: Your health and his... You both need to see a doctor. This whole event is not without stress. And, don't forget about your kids. They may seem more resiliant (sp?), but they, too, maybe less than healthy under all this pressure.<P>Both of you need to take care of yourselves and each other. After all, it would be a real waste to succeed in rebuilding your marriage, in time for one of you to go down with serious health problems.<P>MOHO (My Own Humble Opinion)<P>Chin Up!<P>--keystone<P>P.S. Did you notice that I'm ignoring the workaholic stuff. It's just because I'm busy and I have to return to work!!!<P>LOL LOL LOL !<P>--(still working) keystone

Victoria,<P>Thank you. I keep trying and I'm staying positive. So far its been a good two days that have past. I'm trying not to think about the past times we tried and it was good for a week and then right back to the same old stuff. Only positive thoughts this time.<P>keystone,<P>LOL, You workaholic you!! I really tried to post a link to the article in our local paper for you to read(I thought it might do you some good too), but they only had the questionaire part on the site. <P>I don't think I'm any stronger than you are. I just think I know where I was headed. I still say its hard to work on this from one side. I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there when she obviously doesn't want to try. But then again you are two years into this and she hasn't admitted to anything. You are ahead of me in the time part but I realized sooner where I would have headed if things didn't improve here and sought the help I needed.<P>I feel such a weight off my shoulders with H knowing about the old HS friend, even though H knew some of it before. I think one of the things that really struck H was when I told him how I hated turning to another male(old HS friend) with the problems I had with D#1, when I should have been able to turn to him but he wasn't there for me. We talked at length about this and he knows he wasn't able to deal with these problems and thats why he wasn't there. He actually said that I was probably better off going to old HS friend(due to his profession) about this problem. But I needed H, and I think he sees that now. <P>I'm really trying to put what he said about the women at work out of my head for now, but its hard especially when more things keep coming up. Last night I told him I sent(emailed) something to one of them(the one I know from HS that works with him, and it was a HS alumni site) and he turned to me and said well shes a pain in the @$$ anyway. I thought to myself this is the one he always takes breaks with and when she was out sick for 3 weeks he missed her and was miserable the whole time(that happens to coincide with his last failure at the atempt to try). He even mentioned her to me the day she came back. So who really knows. But for now I have put that on the back burner. <P>I really only think the door to communication is starting to open because I'm staying so calm about all of this. I'm not saying I didn't LB, but if I did they were small ones in a calm voice. I kind of forced him to stay calm without him even knowing I was doing it. I didn't add fuel to the fire he was starting. Get what I'm saying?? I'm game if he wants to talk, but I can see thats going to be a really hard thing for him to do. <P>I am at this point seeing the Dr and had my blood work yesterday. Surprisingly when I went to the Dr my blood pressure was great 120/70, but I still have one other test to go through. H on the other hand when I mentioned the Dr to him(small LB there!), he said he changed his mind and decided not to go but never told me that. I can't force him to go. <P>Cute story here: As you know I haven't been feeling well, the other night when I had the migraine, H tried(a man who can barely boil water! ) to make me a cup of tea. D#1 was joking with him about it and wound up in there helping him. I smiled through all the pain to hear the two of them in there joking and laughing about how to make this cup of tea. <P>I'm keeping my "chin up" as you say!<P>falsely accused<BR>

FA --<P>Nice work. And, the tea experience sounds like it may serve as an ice breaker. It won't all be rosy, but it shows more hope than existed even earlier this week.<P>I've got to go -- I'm going home!!!! Really, I'm not. But, I am meeting my W and D at a ball game. No work, just play. Hopfully, I'll get an ice breaker, too...<P>--keystone<BR>