I should be so happy with my life right now because my husband is with me. He tells me he loves me and is comitted to our marriage. He says he has had not contact with OW since I found out and I believe him. OW has, to my knowledge, not made any attempt to contact H. So why and I feeling so depressed all the time? Why can't I get on with my life and be happy that we are together? I just can't get the thoughts and images of H with OW. Everyday I tell myself that I am not going to talk about it with H and then somehow the subject always comes up. I am reading "How To Survive an Affair" and I know that is the worst thing to do - bringing up the subject and discussing it. I know it only causes pain for H and for me.<P>I can't stand this roller coaster ride. One minute feeling good and the next I am so depressed that I just want to die. <P>Those of you who are still with your spouse and working things out, can you tell me when you really start feeling better? Do you ever start feeling better?

Hello RHawkins,<P>How long has it been since you discovered the truth about the affair? It has been five months for me.<P>Recovery is a long slow process, but there are some things that make it a bit easier. There are several others that visit this site that are at the five month mark that are having a harder time than I am. I believe my advantage is a husband who confessed the affair and immediately stopped the relationship and dedicated himself to saving our marriage.<P>We went to a counselor together and found this site that we both visit. There are times when the pain is almost as intense as it was at the beginning, but those occasions are becoming fewer and less often each month.<P>I must say that I vigorously disagree with your first sentence- having your husband stay with you is not enough to make you happy with your life. He needs to do much more than stay with you, he needs to commit himself to correcting the behaviors that led to his infidelity and to helping you recover from his betrayal. As I told my husband recently, "If I have to do this all by myself, what do I need you for?"<P>I can promise you that this does get better and that time does help. According to several people that visit the recovery site, the two year estimate is a good one. Read some of the posts there for further encouragement.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Peppermint,<P>It has only been two months. I know that is not very long, I guess I just think that because he is with me I should feel better. I agree with what you told your husband and I have probably said the same thing to mine but maybe just revised a little. My H will not go to counseling. He says he doesn't want to tell a stranger about his life. He isn't the greatest about putting forth much effort and maybe that is a big part of the problem. He wants to shove it under the rug and just forget. It's not the easy for me.<P>I also struggle with wanting to get revenge - not with my H but with the OW. I need to just let sleeping dogs lie, but it is soo hard!!<P>Thanks for your response. I know in my heart it will take a long time but that just doesn't give much comfort when you are feeling so bad.

Two mos is barely enough time to sort out your feelings much less start to heal. It will most definitely take some time. From reading this board I can tell you that not surprisingly the time it takes varies. I am sure it depends on your personality. On the Meyers\Brigg personality scale I am an I-S-T-J personality.....Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Judgmental. I like to think that what that means is that I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, I don't roll with the punches and get on with things, I internalize things and deal with them that way. I sure wish I was more on the other end of the personality type scale. I have been dealing with it for over two years and I still have days that turn ugly because of what my wife did.<BR>Good luck

That is usually how the betrayers cope with things, they don't want to talk about it anymore, due to the guilt. They'd rather everyone involved forget what a horrible thing they did. But IT JUST DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. You have to face it NOW. That is exactly what H and I did. He cheated before we were married and instead of dealing with it, we got married anyway thinking that that would make things better or okay. But here we are 2 years later in counseling because all of the resentment, anger and hate is STILL there and it has to be dealt with or else the marriage can not survive.

(((((((((((((((((RHAWKINS)))))))))))))))<P>I am one of those that Peppermint spoke of...we will be at 5 months in a few days...<P>and like you, feel guilty, becauase after all, should we not be happy and count our blessings that we have our H's home as opposed to so many here who do not??....well...I think Peppermint is right about that too...heving them home sometimes IS NOT ENOUGH...everything you are feeling is so familiar to me.....I went back to the 'read-only' posts and got my post from when I was at 2 months, and re-read it..i am going to post it here again for you....it was in the form of a letter to my H....(Deut...he posts here too).....maybe writing out what and how you are feeling can give you some sense of peace, or control.....anyhoo...it is long, I apologize, but perhaps, it may help..<P>POSTED NOVEMBER 1999:<P>The very thought of doing this, surviving this, is just so monumental to me right<BR> now,Trying to face,<BR> understand, and assimilate all this and carry on a life at the same time,<P> : I think I'm going to have to write stuff down because I'm all over the place and I need<BR> to get some<BR> focus real soon, because strength is good and all that, but I need to be able to function<BR> again and not<BR> exist in this bizarre grey, hazy place.....I was not prepared for the soul-hurt aspect of<BR> this...I just so<BR> desperately wish that you had not done this for as long as you did, heat of the moment,<BR> non-emotional sex, even an, "I was down in the dumps and needed comfort, but ended<BR> up in bed"<BR> scenario, I could deal with any of these, for some bizarre reason, (considering what our<BR> marriage was like<BR> and BOTH our parts in its demise), I keep coming back to the fact that it lasted all July,<BR> August and<BR> September and only ended the week before our "revealing" talk in the car (October 5), it<BR> doesn't<BR> cut, that kind of pain, it,......um,...rips.<P> I want to allow some part of me to hate you but am having some<BR> trouble with that right now..........did you ever look forward to getting away from me so<BR> you could go and<BR> be with her?, these types of things matter to me, I don't know why.... are you just<BR> telling me what I need to<BR> hear.........I don't know how much of you is dedicated to protecting yourself right now...<P> I know you will sincerely try to put hings right, and I'm almost afraid of the power that<BR> puts itself in my hands....revenge would be<BR> a brief, trivial non-thought, (but probably extremely violent would I allow myself to think<BR> in that<BR> direction...I need to forge a life with you...she, however, could be crushed by a garbage<BR> truck, and I<BR> think I would have a hard time feeling ANYTHING), but alas, these visualisations are not<BR> an option when trying to<BR> start a new life....<P> I didn't deserve this, really, I did not deserve this, <P> : Do you hear me - no matter WHAT. <BR> : mood swings, attitude, anger, bitterness, stresses, <P> : I did not deserver this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve<BR> this. <P> : this is not my fault. this is not my fault. this is not my fault.<P> : You want so desperately to make this up to me, and I don't know how you possibly<BR> ever could.<BR> There is no excuse for this is my personal "morals file". I know how to leave, (previous<BR> cheating boyfriends - what?, is stupid written in neon over my forehead?..somebody tell<BR> me..)<P> : this is the first time I've decided to stay.....leaving is easy.....staying and starting<BR> over, that's hard.<BR> Getting to know each other again , from a fresh start aspect, you want to atone, you<BR> need to win<BR> back alot of things... I don't know.....I feel like I don't know anything anymore..I think we<BR> should<BR> share a house, and see where that goes before making any concrete plans...<P> : from this moment forth, if you ever find yourself feeling microbes of feelings for another<BR> human<BR> being in emotional/sexual ways, you will talk, right away, this can never ever,<BR> happen.....this is like<BR> death for me.......you have hurt me in ways that I can't verbally express yet...I mean,<BR> you had a great<BR> analogy the other night...I would cut my left leg off for you, and crawl across a<BR> desert..of course I<BR> would have...you fu#%* idiot...I LOVED YOU.....<P> ....and you wasted that, ignored it and selfishly, feeling like a hurt little boy, found the<BR> desire and the passion you found lacking in your own life....with someone who just<BR> happened to "want you"....what a crock---you big baby.....oh, poor, sensitive boy, you<BR> give yourself excuses to justify<BR> behaviours at the time and conveniently forget them when confronted...I have never<BR> been this dissappointed in another human being ever in my life - This is coming out a<BR> little harsher than I<BR> expected, <P> but I am NOT SORRY.......oh my, ....<P> there is so much anger in me directed at you right now, or rather , centered on<BR> you....yet, overwhelming love for you at the same time now that you appear to be really<BR> "present" here, and willing to share in the work that a relationship is, you can't<BR> just show up suddenly and decide to be present in your life, (earlier this summer)and<BR> expect the wife you never hear, see, talk to, experience, connect with, be intimate<BR> with...sex, yes, but where was the<BR> "intimacy"?...(you were depleting it at her house!!)to want grab you, be suddenly filled<BR> with desire and seduce you in the bathroom, just to be spontaneous!!, can you see what<BR> I mean,.....you have to bring about the desire, with<BR> your actions, words, with your very prescence...not by leaving at 7 or 8 am, not coming<BR> home until 9<BR> regurlarly, 10 occaisionaly, and 11 and later sometimes...and expect me to stay sane<BR> with 2 kids, a roomate that is unemployed, a new house to fix and organize, the garage<BR> sale thing, the crazy ex-wife of yours...how can you be a parent when you are not<BR> here....how can I want you when I never see<BR> you, but know that there is suddenly talk of this one particular woman who suddenly<BR> appears out of<BR> nowhere and is suddenly enmeshed in our lives...<P> (ya, what a great friend she was to you, what a great person to talk to...thanks for the<BR> work, the referrals, the great deal on the new computer...the<BR> watch, the socks, too bad about you being a lesbian...wait, you want to try a man?<BR> here, let me help<BR> you..come on, you moron...)....<P> what did you do all summer (here, in our lives) that ever once really deserved the level of<BR> lust, want and desire that you say you wanted and needed from me?....or a really good<BR> dirty ........ I know these are things you value highly sexually speaking...<P> with you out at her place every so<BR> often.....getting your ego stroked, lying to me, to ur children, to your friends, having<BR> them lie....when did you deserve to get the woman at home that<BR> you've got now.....look at your own behaviors all summer and tell me when I should have<BR> been filled with great want, desire or even love for you....getting home at 10, then<BR> sitting down, eating a meal I would cook for you, to have you go sit in the office at the<BR> computer and play computer games with<BR> your online budies..or the roomate...or be doing more odd-jobs until 11 pm at her<BR> place......leaving me to clean the mess and wonder where the hell the<BR> helpful husband was today, because this guy certainly was not him.....you preferred to<BR> sit there in front of the computer rather than come to bed with me, going to sleep alone<BR> sucks man, <P> you were not doing anything that<BR> contributed to my feeling very amourous or loving to you.....you would forget that I<BR> would ask you for things on the way home...you think I should not be angry and<BR> despairing of your love for us when<BR> you forget, ....I f%&*$ng wept that night in the kitchen, leaned over the counter and<BR> wept because we meant so little to you that you would forget food for your child..our<BR> child...and now, knowing that of<BR> course you weren't focused on us then, you were focussed on the concealment of<BR> everything, and the fact that the boiling pot of our lives was about to overboil and<BR> explode is the reason you finally stopped it,<BR> not because you love me and what you did was wrong.....or am I interpreting it wrong...I<BR> see things<BR> from far too many perspectives and I think its taking its toll on my mental state. ****. I<BR> can't even imagine how any of this can make sense to you...they must seem like the<BR> ramblings of a madwoman....I just found myself overwhelmingly disappointed in you<BR> starting around July, no matterwhat I did, you were just "not here"....a heaviness in my<BR> heart that the end was coming, and I alone could not stop it, I needed your help and<BR> you were unavailable to me, getting home too late to effectively discuss anything....you<BR> gave up on us, and didn't bother to try,...you were selfish...rather than live in your life,<BR> you took the fantasy and gave<BR> yourself permission to be missing in your life......simply, this would have had a chance<BR> then, you idiot,<BR> if you had sat down and said...I am really close to having sex with #%&$^%&, or I'm<BR> finding that I am getting too inbolved here, ... you would have effected the change you<BR> were seeking all along,<BR> because then, you would never have had a need for her....I would have shown you how<BR> you were acting, how your expectations of positive change could not be met within the<BR> lifestyle you were living<BR> then - you were unrealistic and unreasonable to think I would miraculously change with<BR> you behaving<BR> the way you did all summer.....<P> : I don't know who you are anymore...she took you away for a long time....everything I<BR> once held<BR> true....things I KNEW about you, things I would bet my life and our child's on, are now<BR> suddenly<BR> gone, this is a mind-rape like no other,....I can't stop the shaking when you are not<BR> here....<P> but am I willing to bet the rest of my life now on the belief that you are now telling the<BR> truth.....? Trust is such a<BR> bizarre thing that I can't even go into that right now.<P> : ..do you see how easy it can be...how easy it could have been back in july....don't you<BR> just want to<BR> kick yourself....<P><BR> : I have to go now...I'm hoping for greater clarity soon, and less bitterness<P> : I love you <P> <BR> <BR> <BR> posted November 27, 1999 04:18 PM <P> I'm sitting here laughing, because, after everything that has happened, I think I am<BR> 'afraid' to tell H that I want to leave for a little while (a weekend), I so desperatel NEED<BR> some mental clarity right now...actually, I need to be alone....no kids, no H, no<BR> housework, no job-hunt, no cold canadian weather.....where are the free trips to the<BR> carribean when you need them?<P> anyone here know how to escape with no money? I mean really, none..... <BR> $ 20.00....canadian...so its worth even less....lololololol.....<P> I keep thinking that something is wrong with me.....H loves me, wants to do ANYTHING<BR> that he can to make us work, and to make himself into a new and improved version of<BR> the man I fell in love with, is truly remorseful for his 'entanglement', and I'm right there<BR> for him, but I enter into these wierd grey, hazy states where I look at him, or even<BR> myself and I can't recognize us.....I want to be a lump on the couch......the despair falls<BR> heavily these days.....in the midst of what should be a re-juvenating period....here is<BR> where the work must begin, and I want to leave him with the kids and run away<BR> somewhere for a while...could this be because this is what I feel he did for the summer<BR> with the OW? I should be working on my marriage......I just want to be alone....<P> thank you all again.....I feel guilty, when I read all the other posts, I feel my situation is<BR> not 'that bad', that alot of you would probably gladly change places because our<BR> foundation of love is still safe (it was non-emotional sex...she 'wanted' him, he 'wanted'<BR> her....H never loved OW, never told her he did, and tried repeatedly to end it after their<BR> 1st time together), I feel bad using space on the board for my seemingly 'fixable'<BR> probs...lol.<P> hope one and all are having a 'take care of thyselves' kind of week-end...<P> Dylan<P><BR>WELL....THAT WAS IT....long-winded aren't I???....LOL<P>you take care of you....<P>Dylan<BR>sacred_rain@yahoo.com<P>