Hello to all my friends,<P>I really don't understand my state of mind at present. It is almost as if I have no feelings left at all. I have lost all desire to fight for my marriage. I really don't care any more. I am so tired of having Arik's affair thrust in my face. He asked me to come and see him for lunch and while I was there SHE called. I hate that he works where contact is a must. He sent her a no contact letter but I really don't see that amounting to much. It was less than 5 hours back at work before they gave up on not using the phone to communicate work info. How long will it be before he detects a certain sadness in her voice and asks her "What's wrong honey?". Maybe I am being super sensitive but I honestly feel that as long as he is doing the job that he is doing there will be no hope for recovery. There are options within the company where daily contact would be cut off completely. <BR>I just want the pain to end. Maybe that is why I am shutting down. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>Hello to all my friends,<P>I really don't understand my state of mind at present. It is almost as if I have no feelings left at all. I have lost all desire to fight for my marriage. I really don't care any more. I am so tired of having Arik's affair thrust in my face. He asked me to come and see him for lunch and while I was there SHE called. I hate that he works where contact is a must. He sent her a no contact letter but I really don't see that amounting to much. It was less than 5 hours back at work before they gave up on not using the phone to communicate work info. How long will it be before he detects a certain sadness in her voice and asks her "What's wrong honey?". Maybe I am being super sensitive but I honestly feel that as long as he is doing the job that he is doing there will be no hope for recovery. There are options within the company where daily contact would be cut off completely. <BR>I just want the pain to end. Maybe that is why I am shutting down. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hope comes, and hope goes. I do not know your story, I am new. But I will remind you that everyone here is pulling for you. Others that know your situation will be contacting you soon, I'm sure. I think it is good he wrote a no contact letter, and he asked you to come to lunch at his workplace. Give him credit for that. It certainly is better than not having you there. Ask him for an extra hug and kiss tonight because you are having a bad day. And thank him for any of his actions you are thankful for. hope this helps.<P>Victoria

Did I miss something? When did Arik send her a no contact letter?<P>Is he trying to work on the marriage without a relationship with OW?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Victoria and FHL,<P>The no-contact letter was sent on Friday night. I am being very 'cautious' about it because it was worded in such a loving way and really didn't make any maention of his desire to make things right with ME. He closed it with I love you and then sent her another email 20 minutes later stating that he wasn't reestablishing contact but wanted to apologize for being so harsh.<BR>Maybe I am just being super sensitive again but it really didn't have the feeling of a no-contact ever again letter.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 29, 2000).]

((((((((((((((NICOLE)))))))))))))<P>you, by now, know my position on all this...LOL.<P>you know as well that what you have undergone is continued emotional trauma...<P>I, like you, don't have much faith in the no-contact letter...I mean, hey! after all, she was posting here..she knows what it's about...and let's face it....they both know that the letter was sent to placate you...as for there being options that would not include daily contact, he has not explored this!!?!??!?!.....sheesh.<P>I realize that I'm not helping here...I just want you to know that I empathize..I understand, and I stand behind you 1000% no matter what....<P>I have alternated between numb and angry....at least I realize that when I am angry, I still care....<P>you also know (as Jim would tell you) that plan B is to protect any feelings you do have left...they are still there, Nicole, they are just buried deep right now..also probably to protect your psyche....<P>I love ya!!....stay true to yourself and you can't go too wrong..LOL<P>Dylan

oh my gaaawd......I just read your response to victoria and FHL.....<P>HE CLOSED THE NO-CONTACT LETTER WITH I LOVE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!??!?<P>then contacts her?!?!?!?!?<P>yeah, he is really serious isn't he.......<P><BR>get the 2x4......or call Keosha....I hear she's a real good shot!<P>Dylan

Dylan,<P>Thanks for all your support. I am not sure that the no-contact letter was simply to placate me. I was never meant to see it. But, I do think he is still trying to keep that option open. <BR>I am breaking into little pieces and the only thing that will keep me together at this point is for Arik to go away(at least for a while). Like I've said before, maybe this is a huge mistake but my sanity can't take it anymore.<P>The option that he has is to return to the store and work there exclusively- he would no longer have to report to her, he would no longer work on the road, he would be under more direct supervison and therefore couldn't spend long periods on the phone. The problem with this option is he can at any time have his hours cut while he is working in the store. This could mean that one week he may only have 8 hours and the next 16. It is not entirely probable but is highly possible(it has happened in the past).<P>Anyway...that is where it sits.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 29, 2000).]

So sorry you continue to go through this termoil. What part of NO CONTACT is it that they don't understand? Do they think it means naked in the sack contact only? Geez!<BR> Sorry I'm not much help, feeling kind of frustrated about ongoing contact myself.<BR> Lora

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hang in there, I realise it's getting unbearable. I too am amazed he thad the gall to sign the letter the way he did.<P>Still praying for you.and Arik<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Nicole,<BR>Boy you sound just like I did 6 months ago. I could not handle the affair in my face either. I did ask my H to leave, we have been seperated for the entire time, but as you know we are now dating each other. Sometimes they just need to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.<P>You do what you have to do to protect yourself and those babies. As hard as it is right now, you have to be strong. You might want to talk with a counselor.<P>Ok, I will say this for Arik, it was the thought that counted. But that is the only thing about that letter that does. I love you is no way to end a no contact letter, kiss my [censored] maybe. ha ha<P>(((((((((((((((Nichole)))))))))))))))))))<P>You hang in there. We are here for you. <BR>Viki<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Your H seems to have a basic problem with the English language...<BR>Commitment to the marriage AND leaving his options open are two MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE things!!!<BR>Sending a NO CONTACT letter that closes with I love you???<P>I'm voting for the 2x4.<BR>Kathi

Hey Nicole,<P>All I can say is that I am very, very sorry that you are going through this. We all care for you and will help and support any decision that you make. Please take care of yourself.<P>With lots of prayers and best wishes,<P>Peppermint<P>

I’m so, so sorry, Nicole... as you are well aware, that wasn’t a “No Contact” letter... it was a love letter. For him to continually rub your face in this is just so sad. The “option to return to the store” would work until withdrawal is past, but of course Arik doesn’t <B>want</B> to withdraw. I remember how strong the fantasy is; nothing anyone said mattered at the time. Hopefully he’ll be able to kick himself from the other side someday, but for now, this amazing “love” he feels for his OW is a one-of-a-kind thing. If only he could see how ordinary his affair is.<P>I think you’re doing the right thing by showing him the door... but you can’t shut down. You need to be strong for your kids. Hugs and thoughts to you, Nicole... <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Nicole,<P>Grrrrrrr!!!!!<P>The quote/unquote no contact letter Arik wrote reminded me of when my H wrote his no contact letter. Of course he had been reading SAA and told the OW all about it and for her to expect a no contact letter. It was another month or two before he honestly cut contact. It's so difficult for the fantasy to end when the OW is so far away. They don't get the day to day stuff that an in person affair has to deal with. <P>Girl...your strength amazes me. I continue to pray for you and your family. Maybe kicking him out for a while will make him realise the harsh reality of what is going on. Meanwhile please make sure you take care of yourself. I ended up with bronchitis and upset stomach problems during that period. <P>my thoughts are with you...Jodi<P>

Nicole....<P>I am just so moved by yours and Eriks story....it is so clear to see how addicted he is to this affair, and how hurting it is to you. It is much easier to work on your marriage if he is there, but you must either find the strength to preservere with him there until he can give it up, or go to Plan B so that you still have feelings left for him. The no LB is so hard, especially when they continue the affair, at what ever level it may be. And continue the affair is what is happening if he is having ANY contact with her. You must look deep in your heart and figure how how much you can handle without loosing your love for him completely.Then make a decision you can live with. We are all here for you! <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Nichole<BR>I haven't been posting here much and I don't think I've posted to you before. I've wanted to. But you have so much wonderful support and advice, I thought it best to keep my mouth shut. To be honest, Arik reminds me very much of my H a year ago. <P>FHL can be my witness, I'd love to give you a two by four. I know it won't help though.<P>I just wanted to tell you that you are often in my thoughts and prayers. I have felt like you feel today. You need to take care of yourself for you. For no one else. You are special. Know that.<P> Let yourself grieve. You have had a great deal of loss and truama in your life. It can get better. Space can be a very good thing.<P>One more thing I wanted to tell you. My H never wrote a no contact letter. There was no closure. But we have survived so far. He didn't do it by the rules but I think we are both happier now than ever before.<P>Prayers for you!

Hi Nicole,<P>It hurt to read your post. I can't even imagine what you are going through. But, I do know that it is very painful.<P>That "No Contact" letter was ridiculous. You are such a strong woman and your actions and endurance have proven that.<P>I'll be praying that something positive comes out of this whole mess. Stay strong!

I must be losing my mind.......<P>because somehow I feel the need to defend him. I think that although the no-contact letter was far from perfect he honestly felt that it was a no-contact letter. He cried for at least 1 hour after he wrote it because the 'letting go' hurt so much. I just think that he has allowed his feelings for her take over his rational judgement and he does't see things very clearly. He doesn't see how the wording of the letter allowed for a reesablishment of contact. Even in seeing this and knowing that his rational thought is out the window right now I still need some time and space to heal. I hope all won't be lost in this but I just can't seem to go in this fashion any longer. The hurt, resentment and anger are getting to be too much for me. <BR>I realize that some of you have gone on for longer. I guess I am just not as strong or maybe I am being a little selfish. I just need something for me right now. It is probably the wrong time to be doing it. Just when he seems to be coming around the corner, but then again he has seemed to be coming around that corner a few times before too. <BR>I hope you all don't look at me as being a quiter. Maybe I am though, who knows.<BR>(Sorry Lori you have been my inspiration and I tried to emulate your Plan A efforts but I am just not as patient or as strong as you are.)<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

The fact that he THOUGHT it was a no contact letter is part of what makes it so sad. <BR>He does not understand or accept (not sure which) that he cannot have both you and her. Very much like a child who wants to keep both halves of the candy bar. I do understand the conecpt of withdrawal, but he's not in it...you have to withdraw before you can expereince that! <BR>Only you can decide how long is too long for you to Plan A. But, given the lengthy history this appears to have (and, I;m speculating from bits and pieces here, so I may be wrong), I wonder how he is in the rest of his life?<BR>Before the affair, was he a responsible, loving, mature person? If so, maybe there is hope he will find his way out of this.<BR>Or, was he always self-centered, immature and unrealistic? If so, I'd think long and hard before I put much more of myself into this...<BR>Kathi

Nicole,<P>My H actually apologized to the OW in his "no contact" letter that the counselor had him write. Too bad he worked with her and I have figured out that he is with her again now! <P>Anyway, it's too bad we didn't live closer because I would talk you into a girl's night out!!! <P>Be there for your children! My daughter is 6 and is having horrible nightmares. It has forced me to be stronger for her.<P>Hang in there!<P>TB<P>P.S. Ironically, my daughter's middle name is Nicole!