Hi All - I promised you a novel and a novel you will surely get!!<BR>So get yourself something to drink, eat, smoke, whatever and sit back and enter into "the Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Whack-A-Doodle" (as NSR puts it!!) <P>Ok, here it is....sorry about the delay. For someone who's life is so "stagnant" - I sure can't seem to find much time for myself!! Go figure.....lol!!<P>I think that I left off with having had H over for dinner on a Sunday...bear with me on the older recollections cuz my brain still forgets more than it retains!! <P>From what I recall, he basically kept telling me how "wonderful" our relationship would be once we're divorced. He was also very interested in hearing about my counselor (what he thinks of the situation, how my H should go to one himself, etc.) Have no idea why? He wouldn't touch anything having to do with "us" per usual.<BR>All in all, it was about as "normal" an encounter as we have had since the beginning of this descent into Hades!! Nothing tangible came from it though - no sudden revelations or anything.<P>Oh, and FHL - I had my listening ears on.....he didn't want to talk. Asked me about the above and that's about it. Tried to ask the suggested questions...no go!!! I can't remember which question it was - but at one point he said that he doesn't think about those kinds of things - it "just is" as far as how he felt or is feeling when he does some of his Whack-a-doodling. My take is that he is still content not to examine anything too closely within himself and sometimes he forgets which "H" is is - the old one or the new one. Makes sense since he is still in the affair!! A part of him is still here......<P>The next week, my favorite uncle passed away...this was the uncle that had the stroke after hearing about us and then cancer was discovered...he was doing well, cancer in remission, etc and then one night his heart gave out. So, even though he was so sick, it was a shock to all. Very rough time! H didn't participate in any contact with my family even though my uncle loved him so. I was sad that he didn't express condolences, but I wasn't at all surprised. Another example of avoidance and "ignore it and it doesn't exist"!! He did express sadness to me though. That's something anyway.<P>Let's see...what else.....<P>Oh, we've had several snow storms this winter and he hadn't checked with me to see how I made out or anything up until a couple of storms ago.....He got into a scuffle with a guy he was arresting (he's a cop for those who don't know my story) and it ended up with both of them being cut. He called me right afterwards.....told me that he went to hospital and they had to "biohazard his shirt, etc." because it had the guy's blood on it. He should have gotten a couple of stitches but he said they were making him wait too long and he just left (yes, he is sooooo patient!! sheesh!!) The dept. told him to go home and he called me as he was driving in the hazardous weather. He said he was OK, but he sounded very shaken up.....was much calmer by the time we hung up. He called the next morning to see how I made out with the snow for the first time. Correlation between my showing concern and then his showing it? I'm not sure, but he has called me at least once for every storm since......<P>I had gotten a wedding shower invitation a while back for his cousin....mentioned it to him and asked his feelings about my going (with the impending divorce and his folks having cut me off, etc.) He said that if I wanted to go - I should go. So I did!!<P>His mother had sent the RSVP that she would attend - then she didn't show up!! Could be that her 3 DIL's were going? She isn't speaking to any of us really....not just me. Wonder why this boy H of mine is screwed up, huh? Oh well, we'll see what happens for the wedding! I already spoke with H and even though he doesn't want to attend - he told me to go if I wanted. I am closer to his family than he is!! His brothers and SIL's are insisting that I go with them. But I felt that I should ask H cuz I didn't want to make his parents uncomfortable....it is their relatives afterall!! He said "who cares if they are comfortable?" Sometimes I am just amazed by this lack of concern for others he and his folks display. The old H would not have let himself behave in this manner.....he saw it, recognized the wrong in it and determinedly changed this exampled behavior he had been shown all his life. Now, it seems that he doesn't do that anymore.....well, of course, that is obvious with all he's done to me - isn't it?<P>One thing about this shower/wedding business that made me feel a little better....even though I knew it all along anyway....is that his parents have also cut his cousin's wife out of existance because they are getting divorced! This particular woman used to be held up to us DIL's as the "perfect" wife......now she's dirt just like me!!!! So much for "real love" on their part, eh? Unbelievable!!! My H just shakes his head and snickers! Comes in handy for him when he wants to act badly though!! <P>Valentine's Day - I didn't contact him...he didn't call me either. The next time he called I wished him a happy belated VDay and he said "Yeah, how come you didn't call me and wish it to me then....I expected to hear from you." I told him that I felt that if he wanted to acknowledge VDay he would call me and do so and since he didn't that he must have been busy. He said that I could have paged him anyway and I just left it at you know my number!! Completely ridiculous conversation - wouldn't you say?<P>OK, so besides the usual - contact one week and then not, repeat.....etc. The only big toodoo that is happening started last Wednesday. We had a Special Masters Court date. This is when a couple of lawyers sit and listen to our lawyers present their cases and then act as judges and predict the outcome of a divorce trial.....then you both go in and they explain what and why to you.<P>IT STINKS!!!!!!<P>At least it did for me!!!!<P>After all the projections from the lawyers about what I should get, etc. It doesn't mean squat!!<P>The state is no-fault and will follow a set guideline PERIOD!!!<BR>They really don't want to hear about adultery, physical impairments, monetary contributions to the marriage, and you can completely forget about right and wrong, who feels what, who needs what and who stole what.....DOESN'T MATTER ONE LITTLE ITTY BIT!!!!!<P>And if anyone has to go through this....be prepared not to gag as they make you swear to GOD with a hand on a BIble and then proceed to eliminate any reference to HIM whatsoever!!!<P>They basically saw that we don't have much (house and a few minor personal property assets) and it is my feeling that they couldn't waste judicial time for such a unimportant issue!!!!<P>That's basically what the lawyers said.....AND I HAD TO PAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO BE TOLD THIS!!!!! Talk about disgusted!!<P>We could have just signed a divorce contract and been done with it.....no lawyers, no drawn out lawyer limbo hell!!!! <P>It was ludicrous....these lawyers sat there explaining that what they (CT lawmakers/practitioners) do now is see a "Period of time is needed for adjustment" (1/2 the span of marriage) and then it's "TIME TO GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE" That is a direct quote from our (CT) legal system!!<P>I swear (and pardon my religious reference, but it happened!) I visualized Jesus falling off the cross!!!! It just hit me so hard that here I was with these two people telling me first that they are ending my marriage which was for LIFE and second that I didn't recall having lawyers, judges as attendants or even in attendance at my CHURCH wedding when this began...... God only mattered - now he doesn't at all!!! <P>Now don't forget that I don't have children....perhaps it is significantly different then. I don't know....but I do know that the fact that I didn't was referenced enough that I felt penalized for it...even though I had my tubes tied cuz HE didn't want them - that didn't count either!!!<P>All in all, I come out with 5 years worth of low alimony and his name stays on the house for that time cuz I am in no position to refinance.....his alimony doesn't even cover the mortgage!!<P>After the 5 year ( what I call "rehabilitation time") his name comes off - so I have to refinance or sell.....yes, the house is mine. As it stands now though....so what!! It needs work to sell and the market is significantly lower than when we bought. Basically I get stuck with an elephant on my back!!!<P>He doesn't have to pay my lawyer fees and related costs which REALLY ticks me - that I have to pay for something I DON'T WANT!!!<P>I have only 30 days of medical insurance and than have to shell out over $200./mo not to exceed 3 years to stay on his plan.<P>I was told that these two things would definitely be his to pay. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!<P>That's how it stands now.....it's not finalized yet. My shark lady was going to meet me back at the office afterward and we would "discuss it". <P>After this court session, our lawyers asked us (in front of the special masters lawyers) if there was anyway that we could attempt to reconcile....Neither one of us spoke - I couldn't even look at my H....I just waved my hand at him as if to say "it's his call!"<P>They told us to talk....we walked out and to his truck (I had some mail for him and he had some stuff for me.) As we're walking, H started to talk....saying he was sorry and asking if I was OK, what was I thinking/feeling, how I would manage with money (or lack thereof), I couldn't speak!!<BR>Not a word....finally I just let the tears flow!! Couldn't hold 'em in anymore. Still didn't look at him...or respond. He put his arm around me. We got to the truck and I just started shaking and completely lost it!!! UGH!!<P>It wasn't the outcome the lawyers outlined....not really!! Maybe some shock because of what shark lady had led me to believe I would come away with.....it was more that I FELT DIRTY!! I have never felt so casted out in my life!! Not just by H, but by a system that I was brought up to be proud of.....I was nothing, H was nothing!! OUR MARRIAGE was nothing.....just another thing for money making!!! THAT's how it felt....No heart, no soul and certainly no justice!!!<P>My Husband just held me....his sobbing soon matched mine. It was the most heart-wrenching experience I/we have gone through to date. Geez, can you imagine how we will be when we have to sign those papers? Can I be sick that day and call in? <P>We sort of squeaked out a few things to each other.....I did manage to say that I loved him and that I hope that one day he will be able to love someone as much as I did/do him.....that I knew that he must not have ever experienced that real love yet or he wouldn't be able to let it go!<BR>I told him that I was sorry that I hadn't turned out any better at teaching it to him than he had already experienced through his life.....but that it was there and he just had to find it.<P>He cried harder when I said that, so I don't know if it was a LB or not.....don't really care - it's the truth!!! He kept saying that everything would be OK. What that meant - who knows?<P>After at least 20 minutes of this (in the middle of the crowds coming in and out of the courthouse- no less!!) I pulled away and started to walk off..he grabbed my hand and held me in place.....After another 10 minutes or so - I told him to be off to work or he'll be late and I left.<P>He called me three times that night!!! <P>He came over on Saturday...to see the dog!! He finally did some stuff around here for me and even some things that I had never asked him to!! He was great...we talked and joked. We were buds!!<BR>Not my goal but better than what I have been used to for a long time!!!! <P>We had talked of holding off on the divorce on that Wednesday nite....by Saturday he had changed to pushing it through. Guess she got a hold of his brain and gave it a squeeze!!! Nothing but soup again!!!<P>Soooooo, that's the update. Still haven't spoken with Shark Lady....she was in with clients when I got to her office that day and I left it that she would call me within the next few days. She still hasn't and when I call there she hasn't been in.<P>The saga continues......<BR> <BR>Still awake? Thoughts?<P>HUGS and thanks for reading, listening and being there!<P>Sheba

Only have a minute now...just wanted to say I read and I am processing.<P>Speechless really.<P>Wow.<P>He has no idea what he is losing.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba -- Wow, what a story <P>Hang in there Sheba<P>God Bless

Sheba<BR>I have missed you soooooo much.<P>So he is waffling and wack a doodling again?<BR>You know what I would like to do to him so I won't say it.<P>Careful, I'm in dragon mode. <P>Have you ever stomped your foot, looked him straight in the eye, and said "Listen buster, I love you, I want to be married to you, can we just get on with life?"<P>Yeah I know you probably have done a version of that and it probably is a LB. But gosh darnit, it beats my 2X4.<P>I have lots of thoughts, they are all muddled as usual. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!!!

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sheba</B>}}}}}}}}},<P>There was good,<BR>There was bad,<BR>And yes the ugly too!<P>Your (CT) Special Masters Court is quite similar to my (NJ) Early Settlement Panel(ESP) in concept. Both attempt to convince the other parties that a trial is not needed and issues of <B>"adultery, physical impairments, monetary contributions to the marriage, and you can completely forget about right and wrong, who feels what, who needs what and who stole what.....DOESN'T MATTER ONE LITTLE ITTY BIT!!!!!"</B><P>Your attorney's words were almost verbatim repeated by my attorney to me!!! TODAY!<P>My attorney occasionally sits on our ESP (like your Special Masters Court) and told me… they don't care one iota of fault or hurt or damage… nor about the impact on the children (not relevant in your case though... but really ticked me off) All he said was relevant is "how much he makes… how much she makes… done!"<P>The scene outside your courthouse brought me to tears. I'm so sorry for you. <P>Sheba, your struggle is great… and I am praying for you so much… <P>My love is going out to you!<P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] <P>Jim<BR>

Sheba,<P>I don't really know your story, but just read your profile. I'll call your H the Whack-A-Doodle if you'll call mine...........hmm..........give me a minute here......Brain-Dead? Well, I know that applies to many of the betraying spouses here. (sometimes me too, but this is my post and I'm not going to berate myself right now). All I can really say is, Wow. <P>I'll tell you that I have experienced same with my H - several times. Especially after I served Divorce Papers on him......and, silly me - I can't stand to see him cry. I know somewhere in there is the love that he tells everyone else about when he tells them how we met. I fixed something for him that time too - I'm done being the fixer in this relationship. <P>It's a hard road. Perhaps you are more committed than I. Or maybe I'm just on a different road with more gravel and pot holes. Have any questions about waffling - I'm your girl.

Sheba....sometimes it just seems like they've been abducted by alliens, and the replica left back was done in a hurry!<BR>We keep trying to find the person we knew and loved, and only come up with that stranger.<BR>I'm not even going to coment on the court decisions, because I have no idea of how it works in here, or anywhere. But it just comes to what I learned awhile ago, they don't realy care about you as a person, they couldn't care less about the hurting or the financial situation, they're not even working for your best interests, they just want to get it over with and come up with some sort of decision, so it all comes out extremely impersonal and cold.<BR>I guess what happened outside was a quick glimpse of the real H showing trough the Mr Dense mask. Unfortunately it didn't stay in place longer ( have you tried exorcism to get Mr. Dense out of your H's body? )I'm sorry, shouldn't be joking but sometimes things just hurt so much we need to make them lighter.<BR>Well, let me just say that I missed you and that I'm so glad you're back, and then I'll go to sleep, before I drop on top of the keyboard.<BR>Hugs, hugs and more hugs<BR>Kat

Sounds like my first divorce... we still loved each other very much. Had the divorce on hold for a year after the financial settlement. I only finalized it so that I could buy a house and hold title as a single woman. We continued to see each other for at least a year later, until I had moved on and found someone else. <P>Now it is 15 years later, and I know that if I called him up - he'd be here in no time. Okay, now that the financial mess is overwith, maybe he will agree to putting a hold on finalizing the divorce. And, that should give him enough time to end the affair - it should die out. And you are ready to move forward with him, or without. <P>Keep up your plan A. It is still working.<P>TNT

Sheba,<P>I am so glad to see you back here ! And am still sorry that the courts are giving you a run around.<P>At this point I don't dare give any advice.<BR>just <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sheba}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Did I understand correctly that the period of time they said is needed for adjustment is half the span of the marriage? For me, that would be 10 years. Great.

Hi Sheba,<P>what a read....<P>I'm so sorry. I had tears reading about on the court steps. That is so sad.<P>This is movie stuff. I know we have had MB the Movie, but you are the writer of it, in my book.<P>I hope things pick up for you, your H just does not see what is in front of him.<P>love and hugs to you<P>Jo

Sheba,<BR>I think through this you have found out what will eventually ruin this great nation. We have to swear before God and then God's laws are not followed. Is your h a Christian? I know that through the last 2 yrs that my h has been involved with ow, his Christian walk has been zero. Satan loves when he can destroy our relationship with God. Hang in there. Even though our justice system doesn't believe in God, He is greater. He can do miracles. Your h does still have feelings for you. He's just still in fantasy land and buying into all the lies that the world tells us. Take care of yourself through this Sheba. Sounds like your h wants you to keep doing all that you ever have for him even though he is divorcing you. I think the VDay deal made a big impression on him. Just imagine him waiting all day for you to contact him. It's good to keep them guessing sometimes <p>[This message has been edited by Derby (edited March 01, 2000).]

Sheba,<BR>I am so glad you are back. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry this is happening. My prayers are with you.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Hey Warrior Gal, <P>Gosh, what can I say after reading that? The first thing that pops in my head is that this "whack-a-doodle" guy doesn't deserve you. I know you still love him, and that's why this hurts so much. <P>Sheba you're such a giver, such a wonderful lady. You certainly deserve a man who will give something back. I've said it before, but I have to say it again - your husband has no idea what he's giving up: NO IDEA.<P>Don't buy into this "wonderful" relationship stuff once you're divorced. He needs to know that you have to move on. You can't live your life waiting for him to see your value. Sheba, he could leave you hanging for years and years and you CAN'T live like that. You deserve a committed one woman man who desires no one else and you shouldn't settle for anything less.<P>So, here's the deal. Do your best to let him know what he'll be missing while you're still married. But, when he signs the paper, he needs to know your moving on. <P>Don't change a single thing about yourself - you're great just the way you are.<P>Best wishes to you warrior gal!<P>SHA

Hi All -<P>Just a quick message to say that I didn't forget to come back....<P>Been crazy around here and just stopping on my way to fall into bed!!<P>Tried to get here yesterday, but only got to reply on a couple of threads and then got interrupted with company....hope to get back here tomorrow - definitely by the weekend.<P>HUGS to you all,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Hey, do you remember when I got smudged? Well, I am being taken for an energy cleansing Deluxe!! Smudging cleansed energy but this supposedly is a complete all energy renewal and diagnosis......whacky or what!!! LOL!!<P>The things I let my friends pull me into........at least I don't have to pay for it!! Hey, who knows - if it works be prepared for me to be bouncing off the walls again!!