Ok here goes. I am new at posting to this board. Found the web site This Jan. Been reading, but never posted. Learned about the His Needs Her Needs Book last Oct. Been dealing with wife's emotional affair (EA) since nearly this time last year. Did not understand the significance of the love busting until fairly recently. Bought the book Jan 00??<P><BR>Been attempting what I guess you all call Plan A. <P>OM moved from area in Oct. OM divorce final in Oct.<P>W took two week "vacation" in Oct without family to see her friends that had recently moved.<BR>W friends and OM were a thing.<BR>Not 100% sure if OM was seen during trip, but suspect so. If not bet $$$ they talked on phone.<P>I had flowers sent to W several times. Put letters in her suitcase for her to find. Emailed her often at friends account. Caled her on phone.<P>On surface all seemed to have no impact. <BR>W was very hostile when returned home.<P>W is off on another "vacation" without family. Also not going to see any family. Going too friends. Will not say if OM involved.<P>Would getting caught attempting to find out about OM and trip plans be a major LB??<P>Just how much I love you should I send her while she is gone?<P>I know there is a lot of history missing for you to chew on.<P><BR>

I think you are on the right track with plan A. I think trying to find out about OM is a big love buster. I remember replies that I got on this board when this started for me.<P>You have to open the cage door and set them free. Something like that. <P>Do you have kids?????<P><BR>Keep reading a lot. Try to come up with a daily plan. I guess you have to try to build up your bank account with her. And at the same time not make any withdrawals. <P>Advice I got was to try to figure out the LB I was doing from his eyes. This has been a difficult task since he hasn't said word one in the 11 years of marraige. He is the ultimate conflict avoider. Plus, I think a lot of things bug him anyway. Basically he bugs himself, just doesn't understand that yet. <P>The other thing you have to remember is It is their choice. Good luck and keep reading and posting.

Welcome! Glad you posted. Whew, you have been dealing with this for a very long time. I bet you have some gray hair now. It proves you have grown wiser. I can offer support and encouragement. People do make it. There is hope. I do suggest you call the telephone conference thing. the Harley's have a wonderful plan, better than the many person to person counselors we have been to and gotten nowhere with. Do order the workbook. I am a big fan of it, because you can photocopy the Emotional Needs and LB. Filling out the forms and writtting down answers helps clarify things for me. For my H also. He actually is doing things (little like load dishwasher without me asking) he never did before. And I have realized some LB's I have been doing. I had read the books also, but until I did worksheets it really did not sink in as deep as it is now. Keep reading. Call the Harley's. They are quick, quick to grasp the situation. They are the ones to advise you. <P>I will say, I am a frim believer in dealing in reality. Pretending there is no one else in the picture just gives wayward spouse sense of power, ablitliy to treat you badly without jeprodizing (sp?) what they currently want - you and someone else. Also, the longer contact goes on, the more they transition over slowly. I mean while living with you. If they live with the other person, the roses soon fall off. But this does not seem to happen very quickly if they sneak around. They are still only getting 1/6th of the picture. I am not sure what the Harley's think of this- you should ask. The main thing is that when you let your spouse know you know, you have to NOT Love Bust (!) AND at the same time be clear that you respect yourself and that their BEHAVIOR is not acceptable. And on top off all that, you have to acknowldge that you realize you have not met some of their emotional needs. And you are educating yourself and can offer them a plan to work on your marriage. I know this seems like alot. But it is doable. At least, it will help you regain your sanity. My thoughts are that a wayward spouse walks and talks, but operates without a brain. You have to bear this in the back of your mind anytime you talk with them. Otherwise, you yourself will become very confused. It is sad. We are talking about the person who is suppose to be closest to you and joins you in life. It is difficult to move mentally to operating with the concept of "he/she has lost their mind, and I'm just going to smile while they say these off the wall, totaly incoherent things." <P>You are not alone. Many here can help you more than I. Please do call the Harley's. They can give you direction, and this forum can give you support. You need it. Lots of it. For the time being, until you and your spouse are on the way to a much stronger marriage. Hang in there. It is worth it. Blessings, and I will ask God to send you an angle. (you can also ask!)<BR>Victoria

Welcome <B>inthisboat2</B>,<P>About your question...<BR>keep up the love to your W!<P>As long as she is home you can to an effective Plan A!<P>Most the veterans agree... finding out about OM isn't the Love Buster... getting caught doing it would be! Be discrete.<P>Have you read SAA yet?<BR>Do read my post sometime on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>Keep posting...<P>My thoughts will be with you! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 01, 2000).]

Thanks for the response<P>Yes we have kids. I think I got the profile page set up. Girl 8 1/2 and boy 6<P>The whole thing with my W has the kids in a stew. We tend to avoid conflict W and I.<BR>When things build up one of us blows.<BR>Kids know very well they can play the two of us off on each other.<BR>W constantly claims that I do not spport her disipline efforts with the kids. Very long story. I honest I try. W did not grow up with siblings. I have two brothers and sister all younger than me, but all withing 6 yr of each other. Lots of typical fights and name calling as I was growing up.<BR>W has 0 hitting rule. Just does not work. Kids tag each other many times.<BR>Then there is the forbidden word rule. Well most Disney movies even pg have the words. stupid shut up a hole etc.<P>Needs less to say the LB or what ever I have done over the years with W over the kids probably helped get me in this mess.<P>Then there is work. Yes my job keeps me busy (10-12hr 5 days), but then we make a good living. Funny thing is that currnet job last 18 mo has been very nice 8hr/5 day/week. W has not had to work out of the house for money to get by on.<P>W an I have gone 2-3 times to see our pastor. W is unwilling to commit to continued counseling with pastor. <BR>W has looked at His needs her needs. I tried a few times to get discussions going about needs.<BR>W said does not need affection at least not from me. W has said never did and does not see need for sex. I could go on long time about sex or lack of sex.<P>

Hello. My h & I have been to many counselors over the years. Same old, same old. Work on issues. Talk more. What the heck are they talking about? I never did see any benefit.<P>I am not sure I understand the part about your w going on "vacation". I will read the profile when I have more time. hang in there. Others have made it, and so can you. Victoria

how are you today? Ithink you should start a new topic since you are a H with a wayward wife. There are several other men here who are in the same situation. I don't really know which ones, I get everyone mixed up. Put that in your subject line and they will respond. I hope you had a good day.