Hi guys,<P>I cannot believe the situation I now find myself in.<P>I met a guy, on my way home one night. He/we started talking, he was saying how his marriage is f....ed, he doesn't know what he's doing etc etc etc. I stood there and listened, told him a little about my situation, told him about this site, and said not to let it get to my stage (ie, separated) as it would be so much easier to sort out while they were still together and with no affair to cloud the issue.<P>It could have been my husband standing there saying all these things that he said. I was desparate to know what had gone wrong with my marriage, why my husband went elsewhere, and I got the answers from this stranger. It was so bizarre, it was almost as if he had been sent to me, to tell me what had gone wrong. He is in the same situation as me/my husband. He works long hours, wife complains and is now resentful. That was me. His wife has beautiful home, lovely car, clothes, jewellery etc etc e tc. I kept saying to him "she doesn't want the house, car clothes etc, she wants YOU. She wants your time."<P>That was all I wanted from my husband.<P>Well, it's gone on from there. He's been to my house for lunch, he's visited 2 nights this week (said he didn't have to go home, I made him.) Where does his wife think he is until 1 am.? How could he have stayed the night with me ? I thought when people had affairs they tried to maintain a normal family life.? Wouldn't he have had to be home at normal time. He runs his own business so I guess there could be an element of late hours, but not all night.<P>He said his wife has said to him "I'll do your cooking and washing, but there's no relationship betw. us".<BR>I know she's crying out for him, and for his time. She's doing exactly the same things I did.<P>Am I so screwed up that I don't care about doing to someone else what has happened to me. I do care. I don't want to do the same thing to some innocent woman. I despise my husbands OW. Does this now mean that I despise myself.<P>I have not slept with this man, but he has kissed me, and if I'm honest, I enjoyed it and wanted it. When he was here Mon. night, I had every intention of telling him that we could not see each other, or talk to each other. That I would be here if and when he sorted out his situation and we could go from there.<P>I don't like to ask questions. Maybe I need to. Maybe they do have an open relationship (I personally don't understand or like that type of relationship)<P>All the feelings have gone for my husband - or are they simply being pushed so far down because of the hurt. And now I have someone making me smile again. But it's wrong. I know that. I'm quite devastated with myself - or am I just so selfish that I don't care about anyone or anything.<P>Jo

Jo,<P>You are VULNERABLE right now - STARVED for affection, love and attention from a man right now.<P>PLEASE!!!! Do NOT see this guy again. He is a SCAVENGER looking for freebies from you!!!<P>I'll tell you what a guy who is REALLY interested in caring and loving you would say:<P>"You are NOT ready for a REAL relationship at this time. Don't get involved with anyone right now - enjoy your friends!"<P>You are in a REBOUND and possibly even a RETALIATION mode! You have to take EVERY precaution to protect yourself from YOU and YOUR OWN NEEDS right now!!<P>Be strong....we are as lonely and starved for love, affection and sex as you.....you will only end up with a DOUBLE DOSE OF HURT!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi Jo -<P>We love you and care about you....<P>It is in that spirit that I tell you this:<P>Next time he contacts you - send him home and tell him to talk and spend time with her like he does with you!!!<P>The End!!!!<P>You are married.....He is married <P>'nough said!!!!<P>HUGS and STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

<B>Jo!!!!</B><P>Stop right where you are.... <B>Please</B>!<P>You are treding on the thinest ice there is!<P>You have been so strong with Plan B...<BR>Now if you continue with this man...<P><B>ALL WILL BE FOR NAUGHT!</B><P>I want to, in a <B>not so gentle way</B>, let you know... this is <B>NOT</B> what you want your daughters to know in a few months/years... is it!<P>Please... post some more... get the advice from your good friends here!!!! <B>NOT THE OM</B>... yes... you're making him into an <B>OM</B>... and worse still... you know what <B>you</B> are heading to!!!<P>Pray... pray... pray...<BR>Ask.. ask... ask...<BR>Stop... stop... stop...<P>You came here for advice and guidance...<BR>I'm not taking anything from you by telling you to stop...<BR>I <B>am</B> instead giving to you... <P>Please... please... please...<BR>Listen to the others to! They will steer to straight too... but only if you listen!<P>When you said you were praying to God...<BR>He has answered you...<BR>The devil, unfortunately was listening in... (d@mn it)...<BR>and has sent you this man...<P>When I say God answered you... it is because <B>we</B>(at MB) have said to God... "Here I am Lord... I have heard you calling..."<P>Hear us please...<P>You've said you've appreciated my input... and quotes for SAA... <B>read</B>... <B>reread</B>... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Jo... <B>We</B> love you more than you know...<P>Jim

Bonnet, Just the other day you wante your husband back right? He acts as if he dosentwant you. Well now this man comes along and sweeps you off your feet ( i guess he did). You are gona get involved with this man. What if he( your HUSBAND) comes back?<P>You will do exactly what My W has done.( WE are in this boat right now)One conversation you will think you want him back, then you will see the OM and things are just great He treats you nice, buy you and your kids gifts, THE PERFECT MAN. YOU WONT WANT HIM ANY MORE OR UNTILL HE IS NOT AROUND AND YOU ARE LONLEY.<P>Sorry to vent on you post, but its happening to me this very same thing.<P>STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Dear Jo,<P>Well, my friend, you and I are EXACTLY in the same boat.<P>I, too, have a MM giving me QUITE the attention. It is scaring me to death, because frankly, I am not running like I should be.<P>I am very flatered w/ his attention, his come-ons, his flirting. I AM VERY VUNERABLE right now, and you are too!!<P>You CANNOT let this continue. Neither can I. As much as I would love to have some company, I do NOT WANT TO BECOME AN OW!!!! Neither do you.<P>Be strong, Jo. Do it for your self. Tell him that this cannot continue. Tell him that he needs to go home and work on his marriage.<P>Ok, I am telling myself these things too right now.<P>I'm praying for you Jo (and the little Aussies <P>Love,<BR>Cheryl

Bonnet: Reading your post made me so sad. The MM in your situation sounds like the way my H probably acted when he met the OW. My H wasn't coming home on time, I didn't have any idea where he was, we were emotionally distant because I became so resentful of him....the more he stayed out, the worse our relationship got. I didn't have a chance....not as long as he was involved with her and in his fantasy land. Any attempt I made, didn't even matter to him. All of his free time was with her....NOT me & our children. How can a marriage recover when the spouse isn't even at home?<P>Although we were trying to work on our marriage, we couldn't because he was confiding in some stranger instead of the one he should have been discussing our marital problems with....ME! He kept thinking our marriage was hopeless but didn't stop to realize that he was the one who wasn't making any effort. He was too busy with that OW.<P>Remember....you are only hearing the MM's side of the story. You don't really know what the situation is between him and his wife. He could be feeding you line after line.<P>Regardless of that, remember...HE IS MARRIED. He is unavailable. Please step aside. Tell him, "No Contact." From the knowledge you have gained from Marriage Builders, you are already aware that the consequences are NOT WORTH IT.<P>You are vulnerable right now and I feel for you. But, if you keep accepting his advances....things will become worse and you will end up miserable...on top of hurting that man's family. You will also hurt yourself.<P>Best thing to do is just step aside. Good luck with this.

I am so tired of hurting.<P>I don't want to hurt anymore.<P>RMA - Thanks. I'm trying to be strong, I just don't know how much strength I have left. You're right about what he should have said. I agree.<P>Sheba - Thanks. I want to do that. But I don't feel married. He was supposed to be love and honour me, through thick and thin. He (H) doesn't want me anymore. Pls send more hugs and strength - I sure need it.<P>NSR - I do appreciate your input, I was hoping you would respond. I just want an end to all this - I'm so tired.<BR>I want my normal, slightly boring, life in the 'burbs back.<BR>It's all going to be for naught anyway - he doesn't want me, he hasn't ended it with OW. He asked if he could have the children for 2 weeks in Jan, and wouldn't commit to not introducing OW to my children. I read somewhere that you shouldn't introduce children to any new partners for at least 12 months. I thought we had agreed on that. He says he forgot about that. Like he must have forgotten he was married. I can't believe he is disregarding our children and their feelings.<P>Brown - I honeslty cant see him ever coming back to me.<BR>I'm so sorry to give you more pain. I have felt for you so much. Read all your posts, and prayed and sent you hugs. please vent some more at me - maybe send a cyber 'smack around the chops' to wake me up!!!<P>Cheryl, - oh god, what a mess. No, I do not want to be OW. I hope I can be strong, but I feel so weak. I have nothing left inside me.<BR>I'll email you.<P><BR>Thanks everyone, you're right NSR, I did come to this forum for advice and friends, and honesty. What a word. Such a little word, and yet causes so much hurt and anguish. I don't want to be OW. I can't handle guilt on top of everything else that I'm trying to handle at the moment.<P>Jo

Hi Notrust.<P>I know exactly where you are coming from, and where you are.<P>Your situation sounds exactly how I felt about my H's OW. He should have been discussing my marriage with me. My H was always home on time, was always home on the weekends, but still he chooses her.<P>I hope your situation has a different ending to mine. I sensed a feeling of disgust and anger coming through your post, thank you.<BR>It is disgusting that I allowed this man to kiss me, given the feelings I have for my H's OW. How could I be any part of doing that to someone else. What am I thinking.<BR>I just think I have lost my mind.<BR>

Jo,<P>Listen to yourself. You have answered your question. Heed ALL the advice given you.<BR>Life is painful enough as it is why make it worse and more confusing? Do you want another to feel like you do? <P>RUN! RUN! RUN! from this man.<P>Keep getting honest with us.<P>I know how bad I crave attention,and I know I can't afford a relationship with any other woman besides my Robin. I don't want to loose the love I have for her.<P>Hang In,Be Strong, <P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Jo-<P>You're not "thinking" Hon....you're feeling and needing!!!!<P>You're emotions are all over the place and very raw .....<P>You want your husband and since he's not around - perhaps some substitute would help you stop feeling and needing so badly......<P>That's not the way to go, though!!!<P>It will bring more pain than you have already.....plus the guilt for yourself and his family!!!<P>Don't take all that on - especially knowing better!!!! <P>WE're here for you .......<P>MORE SUPER HUGS AND SUPER STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

Jo,<P>you have gotten the SAME EXCELLENT ADVICE from EVERYONE...please know that THIS is God speaking to you, through us! Not that total SLEAZE you have allowed into your life, for unfathomable reasons only you can explain. <P>The Universe may be testing you, but this man was not sent by GOD to comfort you. Decent men, do not pursue other woman, married or single. Evil always cloaks itself in disguise, or no one would ever allow it entry into their lives. <P> You are so vulnerable now and clearly NOT thinking straight. You are not an immoral woman, and yet you have chosen to ALLOW evil into your life. You have already breached your marriage vows and "taken" something from his wife. You need to find the strength of character to do the right thing IMMEDIATELY! <P>This parasite does NOT care about you at all...he is just determined to feed on your weakness and vulnerability. He is a monster, and he will destroy you and any chance at repairing your marriage that may be left.<P>When you care about someone, you want what is best for them, THIS man ONLY WANTS what is best for HIM! He is a destroyer, not a compassionate man at all. He has NO right to be seeing and spending time with you. He owes his WIFE and family his full allegiance.<P>I don't mean to be unkind, but Jo, as you said, your behavior with this man, is no different than that of your H and the OW. It is only a matter of degree. Your better instincts, sent you to this board to get our opinions. But, you knew even before you posted, exactly the advice we would all give you. You know in your heart, that you must end this inappropriate "tryst".<P>You know what you must do...now do it!<P>~skye

Hi Bill,<P>you're right, and so is everyone else.<P>I don't think I do love him anymore - you're so lucky with your feelings about Robin. I wish I could have the same sense of resolve where my H is concerned. I just don't have the energy to fight for a pipe dream. He's made his choice - I guess he'll have to live with it.<P>I can't see any way around this huge pile of doggie-doo... And the pile just keeps getting bigger.<P>Thanks for caring<P>Jo

Jo,<P>Thanks for listening to us...<P><B>Lovingly</B> I continue...<P>There was no questioning or doubting the responses by everyone here... is there?<P>You will <B>NOT</B> get your normal, slightly boring life back with this MM!... You will get further heartache... and a <B>complete distruction</B> of your self-esteem!<P>To give into the feeling that H will not come back... is a very common feeling... especially in Plan B... but remember... as you distance yourself from him... this feeling... must be pushed out of mind! The only thing that should be in your mind... is a making a <B>better Jo</B>... with the MM you will be making a <B>much worse Jo</B>... if you think another man can make you better... you're fooling yourself... (I know... I'm a man! )<P>As far as H seeing kids with OW...<BR><B>NO WAY IN H@!!</B>... (Yes... this part of Plan B will have an effect!)<BR>I don't think even <B>K</B> can convince me that this (not allowing kids to be with OP - "disrespectful judgment?") is a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>. This is a <B>Love Builder</B>... The only way he'll grow in respect of you (albeit in the future)... is to see the tenacity with which you protect the kids!!! I firmly believe this!<P>Just a snippet of something I posted a while back... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We all ask for <B>honesty</B> from our wayward spouse and others... but we shouldn't until we can be <B>honest</B> with ourselves!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dig a little deeper in your heart and soul...<BR>Look into your daughters eyes... and see what they will thank you for... when they marry!<P>Prayers for a very special Jo! <BR>A stronger Jo! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 01, 1999).]

Sheba,<P>I don't think I am feeling or needing anything where my H is concerned - there's nothing. I don't know where it's gone, or when it went, but there's nothing inside me where he is concerned anymore. It's just gone. Thanks for caring - I need you guys at the moment. (well, I guess I've needed you guys for a while now !!)<P>Skye - Thanks. I did know what you would all say. I know what's right and wrong - that's why I have so much trouble with this. I can't believe I'm doing this. I just don't understand anything any more. I was so committed to my H, my marriage, sorting this out and working through it, but nothing is happening. Plan B is having no effect - he just doesn;t care.<P>Thanks for what you said.<P>Jo<BR>

Jim,<P>I'm digging and digging, but the hole is just getting deeper. There's nothing inside me. <BR>I am working on me, or at least I was. I felt confident, and had a bit of self-esteem back. Maybe that's why this guy was attracted. People are always attracted to self assuredness aren't they.<P>I do know what I have to do, and I must do it. I will do it.<P>As far as Plan B goes, I guess it will keep going. I don't WANT to talk to him any longer. I dont want anything to do with him.<P>Thanks for caring, and being you. You are wonderful.<P>Jo

Jo,<P>All I can say is this: it doesn't matter how vulnerable you are (and I understand, I've been there) you will regret this if it goes any further. If this man is 1/2 as good as you think, he'll leave you alone when you tell him to, and you <B>must</B> tell him to!<P>His being married is a BIG part of the problem, but let's concentrate on you for a minute. You will feel like a piece of used, chewed up meat if you do anything with this man. Honey, I know!<P>Be careful!!<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

Jo,<P>it may seem like forever...but, you have been at it a very short time! Give plan B a chance to work. Have patience.<P>Patience, may actually be the larger lesson in all of this for you, for all you know.<P>And, perhaps it is to teach you compassion, not only for your H, but for the OW too. You have now had a front row seat, to how infidelity works, how EASY it is, to just fall in to. Two lonely vulnerable people meet, and before they know it, they are involved in something that they cannot control. It can happen to anyone under the "right" wrong circumstances. Unless they are lucky enough to wake-up in time.<P>Perhaps, with your newfound understanding of adultery, you can approach your marriage situation with a new insight. Certainly, you can now forgive your H, the same way you can forgive yourself and this OM. Your H has made a mistake, and he may not know how to get himself out of it. He may need you to help him.<P>You still have deep feelings for your H. You have simply numbed yourself for the time being. This is only self-protection. This is a stage, a part of the process. Do not fool yourself that you are over your H...denial will not serve you well in the long run. <P>You need to stay in touch with your feelings, no matter HOW painful they are to deal with. If you try and bury the pain, it will only amplify the problem long term. Have you considered talking to someone, a counselor, or a minister? You are grieving for your marriage changing and perhaps being over. Denial of feelings is just a stage of the grief. <P> And, when people are in so much pain, they often try and self-medicate themselves. Some people use food or alchohol, some gambling or shopping, and others find their "fix" only in someone's arms. You don't want this man, you just don't want to feel this much pain anymore. But, you cannot escape the pain. You have to face it or it will fester and ultimately destroy you. <P>Be the strong woman you are!

New Beginning,<P>thanks. Yep, I can imagine. My only saving grace, and it's not much, is that there has been no physical relationship. I said no. He didn't push. But, there has been enough. There has already been too much. <P>I'm just so jealous that my H can completely disregard his responsibilities, his commitments and his famoily, and have a nice little life for himself. The only guy that shows me some attention - is wrong.<BR>Where is justice.? How come it's so easy for H to do this, but I can't, the feelings of wrongness and guilt override the smile this guy puts on my face. Why didn't he get the same feelings of wrongness?<BR>There's no answers - I know. I guess that's why I'm here.<P>Thanks for caring<P>Jo

Thanks again Skye.<P>I don't have a counsellor (can't afford it) and I seemingly have lost my faith. It is coming back, slowly, but at the moment I don't want to go to church. Saying my prayers at ;night is enough for the moment. I have only just moved here, so I don't know any pastors.<BR>I'm doing lots of reading, and trying to read good, selfhelp books. I am gaining a lot from them.<P>You're right about patience. I have none!!<BR>I never have had. I've always said it is my worst fault. Maybe this situation is to teach me about patience, and how good it can be.<BR>Do you really think I have anything to forgive myself for.? And I ask the question seriously. Compared to what my H has done, is a kiss in the same league. Is it of the same magnitude. I know wrong is wrong, but there are degrees of wrong. (my law sub-major coming out there!!) It really was just a kiss, no touching, no nakedness, no nothing, - except a kiss. It felt so good.<BR>I must admit to feelings of fear about my feelings and where they have gone. There just seems to be nothing. I have never been the sort to hide feelings, I have always communicated them, and felt comfortable with them. I have never hidden them, or from them. Just another side-effect of infidelity I guess.<P>Thanks for your words of wisdom - I feel confident that I will do the right thing. I think I always knew I would.<P>Thanks for caring<P>Jo