Hi.<P>I'm feeling a little lonely today. I just finished a Marriage Builders counseling session with Steve Harley. I reiterated to him my confusion and struggles with the "total honesty policy" in relation to revealing my affair to my husband. I said, "I know that you won't counsel me anymore unless I can come to grips with the honesty policy and then work with you to reveal the affair to my husband." He said, "You're right. Unless you follow that policy, I can't work with you."<P>So, now it looks like I don't even have a counselor.<P>I have spent the last year looking for help (off and on). I have spent the last year trying to find someone to listen. And, it looks like I was right...no one can help me.<P>The thing is, I don't want to be coddled through my bad decision. I don't want a couselor to say, "It's your husband's fault...you shouldn't feel guilty at all...you should have had the affair..." I DO NOT WANT THAT. But, at the same time, I don't want a counselor who is going to force me to follow a plan that I am struggling with in the very depths of my heart.<P>Once again, I'm struggling because I don't want everyone around me to be devastated. I don't care what happens to ME if I tell...I would deserve everything that I would get in return for being so stupid as to have an affair in the first place.<P>Since I haven't come to terms with the "total honesty policy", I guess I shouldn't be posting here.<P>I'm just heartbroken today. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.<P>And, to make matters worse, my husband will be gone for an entire week as of this Saturday. Yes, I have taken precautions. I am participating in group activities with women from my church almost every night next week. I have a big test coming up. So, I'm not worried about slipping into an affair again. I just want to prove to myself that I've changed and that my marriage is a priority. I'm just trying to protect myself from falling into another trap while my husband is gone.<P>Anyway, I just needed to say that...<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Jill<P>

Jill<P>You just can't go on like this! I could feel your pain in this post...you seem to be being pulled in two like the turkey wishbone.<P>You also must stop inflicting punishment on yourself. You do not need to do 'penance' for your sins! <P>I was just reading in a book last night called "Healing for Damaged Emotions" and there was a story about a Pastor who had sex with a prostitute while in the service and for years he carried the guilt around. He couldn't seem to let go and forgive himself.<P>Anyway...he finally told his wife about it and through it....he got free and was able to move onto wholeness.<P>Basically, you have been receiving two opinions: One is the total honesty policy and the other is to 'keep silent'.<P>I've just had a thought I will share with you (if someone else hasn't already).<P>Instead of you telling your husband everything with just the two of you. Do you have a 'mutal' close friend that could be a 3rd party, mediator, go-between and the 3 of you meet together?<P>The only caution is, make sure this 3d person is one you both know and have confidence in and of course it goes without saying, should also be a strong believer!<P>Wow...that's a bummer, your husband being gone for a week.<P>Please do not misconstrue what I am about to say, but if I could....I would reach through the computer and give you a big hug in Jesus'.<P>Again...I'm here and obviously so are others when you want to share or vent.<P>Your friend and brother in Christ:<P>[censored] from Texas<BR>

Jill,<P>Now more than ever you should be posting here. People here will do their best to help you although none of us have the skills of a counselor with the experience of Steve H. I suspect that he cannot help you at this point, but if you ever do start to consider telling your H, he would be very helpful in presenting this information in a way to minimize damage.<P>I also suspect that he has much more confidence in human nature than you do at this point. The difference of course being his experience. So don't feel alone.<P>You are welcome here as you know. Just keep busy and do your best. By the way, how are things going with you and your H? Are you connecting to him better? Is he responding to your efforts?<P>I hope so.<P>God Bless, <P>JL

Jill<P>You keep coming here and posting, that's what you do! Just because you haven't decided to tell your H, doesn't mean you don't need support. Maybe by continuing to come here and post you will be able to make a decision that is right for you.<P>I like JL's suggestion about a 3rd party or mediator to help if you decide to tell. It may make you feel more comfortable and would help your H to react in a way that might be different if you two were alone.<P>Take care and don't leave,<BR>Mitzi

Jill, you are NOT alone, hell I am right here with you, if I can post and get support you certainly can too! You are so much farther along in your journey then I.<P>Can I give you my advice of the day <BR>Get the book "rebuilding when you relationship ends" because in your heart, the relationship you had with your H has ended, Now You need to go through the process of rebuilding. You need to figure out why it happened and go through the stages to get to where you are strong enough to do what needs to be done.<P>I am not going to say you NEED to tell, I am saying that You need to be at peace at what You decide, You need to believe in yourself that you are making the right decision for you. Not because someone else is telling you what you need to do. No one knows but you. It has to be your decision.<P>You are making steps, as the books states, you are climbing your mountain and there are many stumbling blocks along the way. What guts it took to talk to Steve, I can imagine what he said had to feel like a rejection of you. I would imagine if it were me, his statement would have reinforced my "weakness" and "badness". Hey just my low self esteem talking.<P>Anyways, You are NOT alone <P>And I wanted to say Thanks for posting the things you did on why you cheated, and I loved the softball analogy. Let me say that in my situation, everytime it gets brought up in Sparkydog and my conversation I do feel like I am being hit with a softball right in the solar plexus. But that has to do with me forgiving myself and I am not to that point yet.<P>((((((((((JILL)))))))))))) You are not alone we are right here with you.<P>Cat

edited by claudia103.<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Jill, please do not feel alone... we will all be here to listen to you. I will stand by you no matter which choice you make...<P>Sometimes, what's good for some isn't good for others.... follow your heart....

In all honesty I am not all that sure if I am with the TELL ALL policy. But then I feel like a hypocrite, because BELIEVE ME I would want to know if H strayed. But I can't say that I would tell him if I strayed. I know that is selfish, but hey I am just being honest with myself. I don't know if I would tell as an act of honesty policy or if I was really trying to hurt him, you know, the revenge thing. This is an individual choice. But think about both sides, because if H EVER finds out from someone else then the problems and hurt will be MAGNIFIED x 1000!

Jill,<P>There is an old saying that "You choose the people you go to for advise because you already know what advise they will give you."<P>Since you are coming here for advise and support, you have probably already chosen what to do: confide in your husband what happened. <P>You have been sitting on the fence waiting till you get enough nerve to jump. I think from what you have seen here, the power of love and forgiveness is great. Your husband will be hurt, so will others, but they will forgive you. <P>Right now you're afraid of what they will think of you. But I can tell you, it's probably alot better than what you think of yourself. After the initial pain and shock, you will begin to feel better and you can get on with your life.<P>Try rehearsing what you will say to your husband. Try out a few different responses you might get from your husband: anger, jealousy, hurt, crying, name calling, etc. Try them all out and consider how you will respond to each of those possible reactions.<BR>This exercise might help you decide you're ready for the next step.<P>Good luck and God bless.<BR>Kenneth

Jill<P>I think Kenneth's response is literally "The hammer hitting the nail, right on the head".<P>Please...prayerfully consider what he shared for he only confirms what myself and others have already shared with you.<P>Because I care and because He cares:<P>[censored] from Texas

Wow...thank you so much for the love and support...I'm overwhelmed. <P>The thing is, I don't want to drag up emotions from a year ago when I was dumb enough to cheat. I just want to start over from here. God has been in the process of changing my heart for over a year, and I want to allow Him to continue to do that. I know that most of you won't/don't understand that reasoning. Believe me, if I only had to worry about my husband and myself, I would have revealed the affair a year ago. I do not want to drag our friends and family and our church and our town into a real "stink".<P>My husband and I have had many hypothetical discussions about what we would do if the other person cheated. My husband always says, "I'd ask you to leave, or I would leave and file for divorce...no doubt." And, even though I'm the cheater in this scenario, if the tables were turned and my husband had an affair exactly like mine, I wouldn't want to know...I know that sounds crazy, but I'm just sharing my thoughts here.<P>Right now in my life, I have friends, but not the kind of friends that I could confess this to...<P>Most of my friends have always been level-headed and have made good decisions. They wouldn't understand my unfaithfulness. I know this because of conversations that we've had about topics like this...no one seems to have any patience or compassion for an adulterer (I'm not saying that's right...I'm just saying that it's true).<P>Thanks again for showing me such great compassion...thanks for making me feel like a human being again...<P>Jill

Jill,<BR>I'm sure there are a lot of people here who said that if their spouse ever cheated, they would file for divore. I'll raise my hand on that one. But for a time I was willing to let him come back home (no, him not being able to come home had nothing to do with the affair). <P>People say things before they've even been put in the situation. They never actually know what they would do.<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi<BR>p.s. You ARE human!!

Jill,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Believe me, if I only had to worry about my husband and myself, I would have revealed the affair a year ago. I do not want to drag our friends and family and our church and our town into a real "stink".<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your H and you Are the only two that matters. Stop worrying about what others may think. I too thought about what are people going to think or say about me, but heck I swallowed my pride to save not only my marriage but my sainity as well. I waited a little over a month to tell H and that just about killed me. Your friends, your family, and the church will go on whether you decide to tell him or not, but I can't say the same about the marriage.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most of my friends have always been level-headed and have made good decisions. They wouldn't understand my unfaithfulness. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Once again, it sounds as if you are worried as if you are going to appear as a 'failure' or 'bad guy' so to speak. Maybe they won't understand, but if they are friends, friends will love you anyway. And if they don't they weren't friends to begin with. <P>Jill, you sound like a wonderful woman. Believe me I understand exactly what you are going through. And ofcourse, I'm just stating my opinion. But I will always extend out my prayers, thoughts, and compassion to you, whatever you decide.<P>And as far as who your original question, who do you turn to for help... You know that we here, will be here for you whenever we can, but God, he's always there. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jill, <BR>I have followed your story somewhat and can certainly feel for your misery. What a decision you are faced with!!!!!!!<BR>Although I was the betrayed in my situation, something did happen as the affair was going on that made the revelation much easier to take and, I think, easier to recover from. When the affair began and for the first year while it was going on, my H and I were like two ships passing in the night. Enemy ships at that. He was being such a "butt" and I avoided contact as much as possible. I thought he was going through mid-life crisis and wanted to give him as much space as possible, avoiding conflict...avoiding resolution. The situation worsened as he fell more deeply "in love" with the OW. He lied about "trips" his work made him take, when in actuality the trips were vacations with her. I didn't even care enough to varify that he was really where he said he would be, mainly because it was usually such a relief when he was gone. For all of us, because we could do nothing right. Toward the end of the 1st year of his affair, I received a wake-up call when he suggested that we should divorce. I realized then that he was "serious" about the complaints he had and that he would not get over them with time. I had thought I was doing all I could to please him, but in reality I was really just doing enough to "avoid conflict." That was when I began my personal journey to be a better person, wife, lover, mother, christian. I still have a long way to go, but that second year of his affair, the changes I "Consciously" made in my behavior toward him were in reality Plan A type tactics. (Didn't know that at the time, was just lucky I guess) I read and read all kinds of relationship,communication, sex, etc. books. Over the course of the second year of his affair, we gradually fell back in love with each other. Of course, he was "having his cake and eating it, too." but I didn't know it. Not until the end of the second year. When I did find out about the OW, I had thankfully made enough love deposits in his account to make him realize that what we had was worth giving up the OW for (not that he really wanted to, but that is another story. I think he would be a mormon if bigamy were legal, and he is not even Christian!) He had made enough desposits in reaction/response to the changes of my behavior in my account to make me realize what we had was worth fighting for. To make a long story short, if the changes that made our marriage improve had not been made before I found out about the OW, I don't know that I could have stayed with him. Because the changes had been made, however, I was also able to forgive him when I did find out. <BR>So, my question is this..... Are you in a position to effect changes in your marriage now that will make it even better? Is your H motivated to improve the relationship or is he like mine was, malible in reaction to your behavior, but not wanting to "do anything extrodinary" to work on it? Is there still a disturbing distance between you? Are you any happier now with the marriage than you were before the affair?<BR>I won't dig any deeper. Maybe you can see my point already. <P>When and if the time comes that you feel it is the right thing to do, to tell him, I may have some ideas for you on that. In the mean time, consider what you can do to make your marriage everything you have dreamed a marriage can be, with or with out his help.<P>Email me if you want to.... zbet_2000@yahoo.com