<BR>edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Hi Claudia,<P>Wow, flashback to my first marriage. Toni [then W] had heard of the rumors that Rita [OW] and I were having an affair and asked if it was true and/or if I could try to stop them. I told her I would do what I could. I denied the affair as outlined in the betrayers handbook.<P>I went up to bed. The guilt overwelmed me. The rumors she heard was the truth. I went down and confessed and was promply thrown out of the house. I expected that, but, couldn't deal with lying to my W. Yeah, it's funny now. [not in a humorous way] I could cheat on her. Didn't want to lie to her. Too late, too smart.<P>I can see what some of the betrayers are feeling, going through and doing. Of course, I confessed after my W found out. I see that this is not the case in many of the marriages on the board. <P>I fear that he is a conflict avoider and up to his eyeballs in the affair. I know you don't want to hear that. I hate being lied too or made the fool without my participation.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

Claudia,<P>Your husband is confused. But I think he is not indifferent. Those hugs at the door probably mean more to him than you know. Unfortuntely, you have to take the lead on this. Lead him home. You will have to put your expectations on hold, and your needs. He is too confused. But he does need your help. I think he will be back once he see the ow is just a mere human (with faults also) and not a perfect person. Read as much as you can. SSA is a very good book. Get it from the web site main page bookstore and get the workbook also. Hang in there. Others can give you better advice. Everyone will give YOU support. Many are praying for you and your family. Take care. Victoria

Claudia,<BR>I think that it went well for you. If you have your doubts, then just think about how differently it could have been. He could have been outraged and stormed out defending her, but from what you said, it doesn't sound like he did.<P>You said that your H doesn't like conflict, sounds to me that he has gotten himself tied up with a real trouble maker. It also sounds as if she doesn't really care if she trashes his name in the process. I'd say that is going to be a big LB on her part, if not right now then I would say it will be eventually.<P>The more you stir it... the more it stinks and it sounds as if she is a real fan of that spoon. <P>It also sounds as if he was pretty understanding of your feelings here. Of course it will be hard for him to admit now but deep down he knows.<P>Just hold your head up high because you have nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds as if your H still cares about you too. As hard as it is, I know, just give it time and be the better woman as I am sure you are. Don't lower yourself to her level and don't attack her... let her attack you. You'd be surprised how much they do defend us.<P>Genie

Thanks, That was last night. Now unexpectedly he called from work and asked if he could pick up our 5 year old and take her to dinner. (He has been doing 1 on 1's with the kids . Seems the commotion and chaos and stomping of kids are a real big LB for him!!!!) He breezed in here, not much talk although I commented how good he looked with his hair cut and he commented on my hair for some reason. When he returned we talked for a few minutes, he hugged all kids and dealt with a few kid issues with them then quickly walked out. He did give me a little hug. Not much.<P>This was not a scheduled visit. Tomorrow he is coming for the evening to baby sit so I can go out. He is planning on making the kids dinner and putting them to bed. <P>Are you sure he is just not being indifferent. Maybe this is like he's just trying to be a good dad but he is still going to marry the OP. He is just trying to be nice to me. <P>Could this possibly be???? HOw can you just go along for 11 years telling the person you love them and planning all this stuff and being a loving husband and father and then BOOM fall out of love and in love with a person who is married herself and willing to give up her kids and who is on a power trip and who is not as attractive as me (had to throw that in) or as thin as me (had to throw that in too.) and who a lot of people seem to think is pretty negative and not so nice. <P>I mean how can this possibly be THE LESSON. I believe he has a good soul. I believe in him. I have always loved him. His mom and sibs love him too ((he won't talk to them now nor they to him..His brother told me tonight that he is so angry at him he could spit blood!!!)<P>ANd what if this conflict avoider cannot get himself out of this mess???????What then.????