I talked to my W last night, after she come back from a two-day trip with OM. She told me that she wants to divorce. The OM is married 5 years and has two kids. There no prospect for OM and W marriage, at least now. She said that she never loved me and that she thinks that same people marry alcohloics, gamblers, etc., but she was stuck with me for last 13 years. Talking about being cold. We have two children 12 and 10, but she dosen't seem care about impact of divorce on them. She claims that everything is going to be OK. I don't think so, but it makes no difference to her.<P>I asked her to give it more time since it is only 5 weeks from the D-day. She dosen't want to stop the relationship with OM, but she realizes that it would be necessary to break all contacts with OM if we want to reconcile. She says that it will make her feel even worse, which is right.<P>We participated in one marriage counseling session, but she did not like the counselor and told me she dosen't want to spent money on it. She is very hostile and blames me for everything. I guess it is the easiest way out.<P>Help !!!!!! What should I do? I am going down fast.<BR>

Man, how cold. She really, really is temporarily lost, isn't she? Man. And the om being married also. Boy, will they get a surpize when they finally get their wits back! Have you talked with the Harley's? At $85 it is a BARGIN. They are quick to grasp what is needed. I cannot advise you as to what to do. I can say hang in there. Life can be so hard sometimes. But, even though it does not seem like it now, life will return to normal for you and your family. Please call the Harley's on the telephone counseling center from the main page. I will say a pray for you and your family. Victoria

Thank you Victoria for your prayers,<BR>I asked her to wait with divorce for now, I am leaving for two-week trip and hope for the things to cool off in the mean-time. I believe that she is in her wonderland and tries to blame me for everything to justify her actions, but maybe I am kidding myself. At this point I am lost. She asked me to move before to "sort her feelings", I almost did, but back up last minute. After that her feelings for me went in the downward spiral and the relationship with OM escalated. I am not sure if she tries to provoke me or it is the way she really feels.<P>By the way, should I anonimously contact their employer and let them know that this affair is breaking up two families?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sadpete:<BR><B>Thank you Victoria for your prayers,<BR>I asked her to wait with divorce for now, I am leaving for two-week trip and hope for the things to cool off in the mean-time. I believe that she is in her wonderland and tries to blame me for everything to justify her actions, but maybe I am kidding myself. At this point I am lost. She asked me to move before to "sort her feelings", I almost did, but back up last minute. After that her feelings for me went in the downward spiral and the relationship with OM escalated. I am not sure if she tries to provoke me or it is the way she really feels.<P>By the way, should I anonimously contact their employer and let them know that this affair is breaking up two families? They work together.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

It is too bad that you have to spend time apart. Could she come with you on your trip? I would call the Harley's before I got into the employers. They can give you good advice. They have tons of experience. Hang in there.

Unfortunately, she cannot go for the trip and I think she would not go anyway. Past few weeks she is very hostile. She want even sit next to me. I think th elove is gone and she can hardly tolerate my presence. That is what I get after 13 years of hard work. Even kids are noticing how "Mommy is mean to me".

Call the telephone counseling center right now. You need a plan. It is well worth your mental.

Pete,<P>Welcome to the forum. Your W is being cruel but remember she is in fantasy land. Have you read any of the Harley books? I would recommend His Needs Her Needs. I also read a helpful book called Private Lies by Dr Pittman. You can also learn about Plan A and start doing it ASAP until you get some help. <P>I know it seems hopeless. Sometimes it is. You have a LONG HARD road ahead of you. Read as many of the stories on here, and you can see what is ahead.<P>By the way, welcome to the forum, and my name is Dana. You can read about me under past threads by Lonely Mom. There are a lot of us in your situation. We are here to offer encouragement and support. Try to read up on the others here and let start replying to their posts as well. You will make a lot of friends here.<P>Good luck! Dana

She is being cruel so that you can do the same thing back to her. It will ease her guilt if you are mean too. It is way the betrayer redeems himself/herself in his/her own eyes. They want to be able to say "See, it's their fault I cheated, look how they treat me". Don't get into that with your wife. When she is hostile, simply say nothing, do nothing. Let her rant and rave, (UNLESS she is physically doing it) and just walk away from her.

Thank you Dana for your words of support. By the way my W name is Dana too (coincidence?). I red SAA by Harley's, but my decision to stay home and Plan A had an opposite effect. My W went from "I don't know if I am feeling different kind of love for you", before I told her I will move, to "I don't love you and I don't know I ever did", after I backed up and decided to stay. She is just so cold and mean that it sometimes scares me. I am seriously considering moving out.

Thank you for getting with me trying_4give. I don't let her to provoke me and keep quiet. But I can see, she is just steaming and is ready to vent. She is also avioding me in the house. I think, she feels the guilt. She told me that it is very hard on her and she wants a divorce because she sees no hope for us. She blames me for all the problems in the marriage. Yes, I agree unwillingly I did a lot of LB, but she never told me how she feels and played "happy wife" all the time. Almost till the D-day (5 weeks ago).

Hi Sadpete,<P>I'm not glad you're here, but at least you are among friends here.<P>I've been where you are. Just a short overview, <BR>..my H got sacked from his job (unfairly & now in court)<BR>..he got a new job interstate<BR>..he went interstate for 6 weeks, while I sold current house<BR>..he met new woman & had affair<BR>..I moved interstate to be with him, as you do when you are married, <BR>..5 days later he told me he didn't think he loved me anylonger<BR>..denied anyone else being involved<BR>..I found a letter he had written to her<BR>..confrontation<BR>..counselling<BR>..no go. He didn't know what he wanted, but was not willing to let her go. Could not tell me that he even wanted to try and work on our marriage<BR>..I stayed interstate for 8 weeks, and then moved interstate (again) to be near my family. Here ever since.<P>There you have it. But, one point I wanted to make is this, and it relates to what they do, because of the guilt they are feeling.<BR>I left Melbourne because he would not tell me what he wanted/didn't want. He works with her, lunches with her, catches transport with her etc etc etc. It was torture. But, in one discussion on the ph, when I had moved here, he said this<BR>"well, you left me...."<P>excuse me. What did you say?..<BR>Yes, I did leave, but why. I left because my H was telling me he didn't love me, didn't know what he felt for someone else, but he obviously forgot those small inconsequential details !!!!!!!!!!!<P>Anyway, I'm rambling now. <BR>My point is that they become so cruel, in an attempt to alleviate the huge amount of guilt they must be feeling. My H became so cold, so uncaring of what he was saying to me, and sooooo distant. He is not the man that I knew. But, I took consolation in that. These women (he's now on to OW #2) are not getting the best that he can be. They are getting half a man. He lies, he deceives, he's not honest, etc etc etc. They are welcome to him, while he is like that.<P>Maybe that is one way I have dealt with this horrid horrid situation. This man is not my H. He has been possessed by aliens (as someone else here says !!)<P>I hope you and your W can come to some arrangement while these horrible first stages are being gone through. Your children need to come first in all of this, they need to be protected from as much ugliness as possible. NSR has the most amazing thing to say about that. He says something like: don't hate the person, but hate WHAT the person is doing.<P>Must go, children are attacking!!!<P>Much love and many hugs your way. We all survive, somehow. This board has made me survive. We will do the same for you<P>Jo

Jo thank you for hugs, boy do I need them!!! Our children are my first concern, I try to spent all the time with them, especially when she is out with OM. When I mentioned impact of divorce on kids, she said that they will be OK no worries. The way she is now really scares me, but I guess it is "normal" in the fantasty land.

One thing that I found so amazing, is that my H's behaviour mirrored that almost exactly of everyone else's betrayer here. It blew my mind.<BR>It's almost text book stuff. I used to say to myself, well, he's done or said that, now wait for 'this' to happen. And it usually did. I could wait a week, and the 'whatever' would happen.<BR>Just amazing. Dr Harley could write a text book on the 12 steps that betrayers take, because they all do the same thing.....<P>another round of hugs for sadpete<P>Jo