Hi all,<P>We went over the questions and all in all it went well. At first he didn't want to answer them. But, he relented and did to the best of his ability.<P>I understand how it all started and how it all came about. They shared much. She gave him light in a world that he saw none.<P>In some ways I am grateful for that. She made it possible for him to stay here during times when he would have left me for sure. Being with her made the horrible home life we had more bearable for him.<P>It is over now. He told me things before and now that if she knew would devastate her. He hopes I will never ever divulge those things to her. He knows I am not a mean person or a vengeful one. In fact he says I have the best heart of anyone he knows. <P>He knew what he did was wrong and didn't stop it because he was so unhappy here. I was too but I took to a deep depression and my bed where I would continuous sleep to avoid the pain we I was in.<P>We are closer than we probably ever have been before. We have much pain because of what had happened. Much pain to get through. I know it isn't over yet.<P>He is truly sorry for what has happened. He would not do it if he had it to do over again. He is though happy that it shocked me into recovery. That with God's help I came out of the deep abyss that I was in and now we have the chance to make the rest of our years together better. <P>He says we now have the opportunity to become closer, more complete and happier than either of us thought could be possible.<P>He told me he loved her more deeply than he had ever loved me. That really hurt. He says though that it was all good times and nothing about what real life is like. Then he said maybe he loves me more because we have gone through so much crap and pain (before the affair) then he would have ever put up with from any one and he is still here. That maybe he loves me more than he has ever loved another person in his life. That the fact that they had no crap to deal with and that it was all fun and games. No real life. So a love with no pain, no crap would seem like a very deep wonderful love.<P>I think maybe someday I will be completely grateful that this happened. Without this horrible experience we would never have gotten to this point where he and I can rebuild, love and be truly kind to one another. We had gotten to a point in our marriage where we were cruel to one another. Now we are cautious of one another's feelings. We want to love one another like married people are supposed to love one another.<P>It would take volumes to explain all the horrendous things that happened in our lives together before the affair and during it so, I won't go into it.<P>I think I may now have my best friend back. I think in time he will find me his best friend too.<P>I praise the Lord for sending that angel to me that alerted me to his affair.<P>I am in pain right now. I have tears. Now I also have my husband back too. <P>What went on between them is the past. He can't change it and neither can I. We can move forward.<P>We discussed that he needed to pray to God to take his love for her away. The memories and the love of those memories will always be there for him. He really hasn't prayed heartily for that to happen yet as he really doesn't want that love to go away. He realizes it is the last hold he has to her. He also realizes that she needs to be out of his heart completely so that I can again regain my rightful place in his heart. He knows that for us to work there can only be one woman he loves and it should be me. I think he is praying that now as I type.<P>If he can put her and his love for her in the past so can I.<P>I thank you all for your responses to my last post. It helped me greatly in how I approached him and how it went.<P>I ask that you pray for me to have the strength to not bring her up again. I want to let him forget. She is on his mind a lot even after 9 months. Now that he is no longer working the same shift or department with her I believe it will proceed much quicker.<P>I know in my heart he loves me dearly. He is still a little confused but, I saw tonight that he saw things more clearly than he has ever before.<P>We both need to forget. He still is afraid to forget her to a degree because she did make him feel wonderful when I made him feel nothing but bad.<P>I need to go back to "Praying for his Wife" and spend much time there.<P>I see a the light at the end of the tunnel getting closer and brighter. I am a blessed and lucky woman. I only wish it were possible for you to know the wonderful, although imperfect man that is my husband. I will cherish him until I take my last breath on this earth. Something I failed at miserably in the past.<P>With the good Lords help we are going to make it. <P>The biggest thing I have learned through all of this is that when God answers your prayers and gives you a mate, you'd better try and take care of that mate like Jesus would take care of that person. Don't take it for granted and don't ever think it doesn't need to have constant attention and protection.<P>I intend to protect my husband and our marriage with all my effort. I will never again let this relationship get to the point it was at that allowed this woman to come into either of our lives. <P>I really don't know how to end this so I will just again say <B>Thanks</B> <BR><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{To all of you on this board}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P><BR>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited December 02, 1999).]

Samantha-MI -- I am very happy that you received the answers that you needed. You can now continue moving forward instead of backward.<P>God Bless

Empty Shell,<P>Thanks so much for sharing my happiness in this major hurdle. We can move forward and will. <P>The good and crazy thing was it wasn't a love buster at all. Could have been but with everyones wise words here it wasn't.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Wow! I'm glad you have heard all the answers you needed to hear.<P>Start fresh, now.<P>Blessings to you!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Samantha-MI -- A few months ago I too wrote out a list of questions for my W. I did not sit down and go over the questions with her as you did though. Instead I gave her the list and didn't ask her about again. About a month later, I don't remember for sure how long it was, she told me she had finished the list.<P>In our case, I would not have want to go over the list with her. I think I would have had a tendancy to get stuck on some of her answers, and never continued any further. A couple weeks later, she gave me a list of questions which I answered for her (She was the betrayer, not me).<P>It seemed to help a lot for us to have answers to questions we didn't think we would ever have answers to. It allowed us to direct more energy to moving forward. We still have times that try us, but overall we are doing tremendously better.<P>I hope and pray that you and your H will have as much success as my W and I.<P>God Bless

Dear Faith Love Hope and Empty Shell,<P>This is the one time I sincerely wish we could all be in one big room and personally hug one another. <P>Many thanks for your responses, well wishes to me and your continued support to me.<P>I wish you as many if not more blessings that I have experienced.<P>Definitely going to move forward and start fresh. <P>So guys, when you see me moving in the wrong direction please remind me that those days are past and forward is the place I am headed. <P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Samantha,<BR>I'm so glad it went well for you !<P>This is wonderful. !<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Samantha-MI,<P>I am so happy for you... <P>I was among the first to warn you <B>not</B> to...<BR>But you trusted your instincts... good for you!<P>Only <B>you</B> really knew what your H could handle... and did what you thought was doable! Brave thing!<P>Your H must be an incredible man...<BR>I'm proud of him! I don't think I could have handle it at all!<P>Be proud of him! He's given you a chance to trust him... again... <P>Again... I'm so very happy it worked out! <P>Jim

Samantha-MI,<P>Glad you found the answers you were seeking. Time to look FORWARD now, and leave the past where it belongs - in the PAST!!<P>You are your H need to spend your time reconnecting and rebuilding.<P>Sharing your joy with you!!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I'm glad things turned out well for you. Take care of yourself... <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P>

Samantha-MI<P>You have brought smiles and warm feelings to all of us this morning.<BR>I would like to give you a giant hug and simply say, THANK YOU.<P>I am thankful for what you have taught us.<P>1. Before taking action on something that we might think is a great LOVE BUSTER,<BR>we should seek advice from others to open our minds to other viewpoints and possible alternatives.<P>2. We should truly listen to all the advice that is given to us. Taking what works for us and letting the rest go. <P>3. Respect others opinions but have the courage to go with our own intuition and do what is right for us, in proceeding with our actions. And, be responsible for the outcome no matter how it turns out.<P>4.We need to take risks, by asking the tough questions, which might lead to more pain for ourselfs. Or might lead to resentment and anger from our spouse.<P>5. We must ask the tough questions, if we are to get to the root of what led to our spouses affair. So that we can work on those problem areas to make our marriages Affair Proof.<P>6. We must lean that LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR.<P>7. In order to heal and truly let go of the past. We must first feel the pain and release it from inside of ourselves. As they say, GRIEVE WELL.<BR> <BR>8. That there is hope for all of us if we have faith, and trust that Gods Will, will be done.<P>9. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.<P>10. To, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, GIVE UP.<P>" It is our philosophical set of the sail that determines the course of our lives. To change our current direction, we have to change our philosophy not our circumstances"<BR> Jim Rohn

Samantha - I am happy for you that you and your H were at a place where you felt safe enough to ask the questions and he felt safe enough to answer them. You and I are on almost the same time line ie. length of affair; coworker; time of discovery etc. and my H and I went through all the nagging remaining questions over the past two weeks.<BR>Like you I am now hopeful I can stop dwelling on the past and maybe even put it in a box and bury it. Time will tell. <BR> Simone

Samantha,<BR> <BR>I tried to answer you yesterday but couldn't post. And my suggestion was that you should give him your list. I'm glad you did.<P>I was the same way during the first part of our recovery in Jan 98. I HAD to know everything I could. At first I pestered him unmercifully.... every 1/2 hr a new qustion. Then I came up with the list. I promised him that for each question he answered, I'd cross it off my list, never to be asked again. Real incentive for him to answer, I'm tell ya !! I got most of my answers and kept my promise. Never asked THOSE questions again. Sure, I came up with a couple more, here and there and slipped them into conversations but never sat him down for a question session again. <P>It did help us too. I had felt so left out of a significant part of his life and by having my questions answered, I now felt we had no more secrets. Sure, some answers hurt but nothing could ever hurt the way discovery hurt. And my mind was making the whole situation worse than any answers he ever could have given me. <P>Good luck to you both Samantha. Now that you have the answers you need, let it rest in the past. I know,,,,easier said than done but try to work only on today and your future. Wishing you the best!!

Samantha,<P>It looks like you are right, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the roller coaster is heading in that direction. <P>Your post was great. Put the past in the past as you can't change it. Focus on the future. Remember that there will still be rough times ahead but now that there is honesty and trust, it will be a much less bumpy ride.<P>It's scary to think that it took all this pain and anguish to find that you both still love each other. Sometimes, I too, thank the person in my mind who confirmed his five year affair anonymously. (Could have been her and it backfired)<P>My h is still living in apt. Not much has changed in that area. He sleeps there but spends most of his time here with us.<P>However, I feel love returning. In looks, passing remarks, small gestures etc. <P>I too think we have learned how precious our relationship is. We have made many changes in our attitude with each other and actions. <P>I think plan A is an ongoing marriage maintainer. It seems to be working in my marriage even though I don't know when he is coming home and it seemed to work for you.<P>Hurray for us who are trying our hardest to stick with the MB principles and see some results. Keep looking for baby steps. Don't look for giant leaps or we'll be setting ourselves up for dissapointment.<P>Hang in there.<P>Chris