H. moved out 3 weeks ago after acting possessed for 3 months. I guess discovery day was about a month ago, although all that was admitted was "we are very very close"<P>He is in counseling and is currently fairly calm and comes over frequently to see the three kids. He also calls daily to talk to them and to ask about my day.<P>We haven't spoken of his plans, our plans, us, her or anything since he moved out. Prior to moving out I said "you need to end this relationship with her" and he said "then what" "Just put a knife in me"<P>He works closely with her all day. She is married and has two kids, but I heard two days ago that she is telling people that she is leaving her husband and going with mine.<P>4 days ago I heard she told some officc staff that she is marrying my husband. He knows what she is saying and won't say anything either way. He has not asked for D yet. Apparently they have some small pocket of support in their office although I cannot imagine how.....two families , 5 kids. <P>He has estranged himself from his own family (mom and sibs for this)<P>I am trying to plan A in the small amount of time I have. Do I ask anything? How do you get to the point where you find out what's going on. We are currently not arguing or fighting (not that we ever did until this happened). He still has that funny look in his eyes. Should I limit visits more??? Or should I wait it out (6 months) because this is insane.

Hi Claudia,<P>As long as you're in Plan A, you should be exerting NO pressure whatsoever. Don't ask. I know how hard it is to not know what's going on. Sounds like your H is still very conflicted & is confused. That's a positive sign!! He hasn't yet given up on the marriage. Right now, you don't want to be doing anything that will drive him further away. Patience is the key, as difficult as that is. Hang in there, & keep the faith. Your battle has just begun. A lot of people here have had successes. You can too.<P>Keep posting. This is a great support forum.

Hi Claudia,<BR> I don't think that asking for clarification as to what is going on and where you stand is applying pressure. I think that hearing him talk about some of this would ease your mind,even if it isn't what you'd like to hear.At least, that way, you would know exactly what you are up against,and could plan your plan A strategies accordingly. So far it sounds as if you do a geat job of communicating with him,and that things don't get out of hand at all. I would tell him that I needed to know, so that I could get myself together(emotionally and mentally) for what the family may be facing and that being in the dark was taking it's toll and that I needed to be mentally and emotionally balanced for the kids, if divorce was immenently in the picture.Since there are rumors circulating I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask him to clarify the truth or untruth of what you have heard,for your sake and the sake of the children.Yes, I agree he is totally conflicted and doesn't know what he wants. OW can make them feel sooo good and illicitness has such an element of excitement to it that men in MLC are dying for.However,I think,for him not to have to let you know what his intentions are,<BR>is allowing him to avoid the conflict even more and longer. I guess it's just a matter of how long you can personally tolerate not knowing what's really going on in his head.<P>When my H moved out,he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married or not,and that he was leaving to find that out.After a few counseling sessions he said he knew he wasn't going to pursue a relationship with OW,as it would mean moving away and he couldn't see leaving his own kids to be a dad to someone elses.But, he still didn't know if he wanted to be married.Then when I did my "going out" to the support group for parents thing,he woke up real fast and said he was going to come home and didn't want a divorce,but needed time to resolve personal issues he'd been carrying around all his life. He said he didn't want to move back home until he had some skills to communicate and releave the tension better at home. He wanted to wait until he felt really strong about us so that the kids would feel safe and secure again(the separation really did a number on them,especially 7 yo D. He was gone a total of 2 months.<P>Maybe if you calmly ask him what he's thinking and has planned it will help him to know himself what he's thinking.Sometimes I think they really don't even know themselves,as they try to avoid it by filling up their lives with so many other things(work,sports,exercise and OW!!!). Hang in there! We're all here for you! E-mail me if you'd like mthrrhbard@aol.com<BR>