Wow..<BR>Things certainly do happen and change fast around here!<P>I wish you the best in your decision. I have no advise at this time. There is already so much you have been offered and am sure it is a lot to sift through in addition to everything else going on with you. <P>This could be the wake-up call your H needs to realize there is work to be done to achieve that dream marriage you both seem to want. <P>My best wishes to you.<P>Beth

Jill,<P>I only read the first page of responses, so I hope I am not repeating someone else's comments.<P>I can tell by your letter that you love your H. It is extremely brave of you to do this. <P>I too would start off by telling him how much you love him. Rather than jump in, once he reads the bad part, he may not finish or really process the rest of the letter. <P>Second, are you going to be around after he reads it? He shouldn't be alone or away when he does. <P>Third, I don't know about the prisoner thing. You don't want to walk on eggshells either. <P>Last is it good to put the time limit of one year on him? I never spoke to Harleys, but I know ultimatums dont work, not sure about time limits, it may not take a year to resolve this either way. <P>I am praying for your marriage and you are very brave. Send out your updated letter again, and good luck!!! Dana<BR>

Jill,<P>I wish my wife had your integrity. I admire your courage and desire for <B>complete</B> honesty.<P>I am asumming that you posted this for some suggestions, or critiques. Here goes...<P>I have found what I believe could be construed as <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. <P>They can be anything that he might see as a disrepectful judgemeny or a selfish demand,ie: telling him how he feels, and the part about the councelor.<P>Remember, he will more than likely be devistated by this. You have no idea how he will feel, and what he wants to do. <P>The main jist of the letter is great, it expresses your love for him and your total regrets. All of the other suggestions have alot of merit, the is just my opiinion. You are doing the <B>right</B> thing.<P>Bill<P>We know not what the future holds.<BR>But we rest in peace knowing Who holds the future.<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Jill,<P>I am a betrayed wife whose husband has said many of the things you did in your letter. Hearing those words do help.<P>I think the letter is fabulous as it is. It sounds written from the heart, and that's where it should come from. Others here have espressed opinions that I respect, but those are YOUR words, and I think it's perfect.<P>When my husband told me the whole truth, he was like a different person from the testy, irritated man he had become. The weight that was lifted from his heart and soul freed him and he became the sweet, happy person he was before. I pray for the same for you.<P>I truly believe you are doing the right thing. Love can't thrive when it is shaded by lies and deceit.<P>With prayers and best wishes for you,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited March 04, 2000).]

Bystander,<BR>I appreciate your opinion. However,it appears you've never been a victim of abuse (?). If you were, you might understand where exceptions exist. Some betrayers want to do the right thing, and end up being punished mercilessly. I wanted my marriage so bad, that I let my ex hurt me a great deal and he ended up leaving anyway, but only after he got tired of punishing me. Some may even expect their life to be in danger. People whose first reaction is to punish or harm someone else, either physically or verbally, because of their pain don't deserve the truth. Call it consequences of their meanness. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left him without a confession because he was incapable of treating me like a human being. Unfortunately for me, at the time, I was incapable of insisting he treat me like one. If someone is truly remorseful, they are very, very vulnerable, and if they are not careful can be very susceptible to being abused. That is why I caution people about confessing. That is why I cautioned jill about the "prisoner" stuff. It is almost an invitation to mistreat her. Like "do anything you want to me, cause I feel so bad". She doesn't deserve that.<P>Hi Jill,<BR>Hope you are doing ok this week. I read your other post. You did the right thing with the e-mail. After you confess, though, you need to tell your H that the OM is pestering you. Give him the e-mail of the OM along with the password to your e-mail. This way he will know that it is unsolicited. <P>Hi JL,<BR>oh-ma-gosh, we agree on something <P>

TheStudent,<P>More than you know TS, more than you know.<P>Take Care now,<P>JL

Jill,<P>If you are still reading this thread, may I offer you a suggestion? After you confide in your H about your affair and the both of you talk, it seems to me that it might be a good idea to print out and give him these threads. I mean all or most of them. They are very powerful.<P>I suspect that reading these threads will give him a more profound understanding of your anguish, your previous feelings, and your love for him. You see what you have written here details your evolution before, during and after the affair. It would seem to me it does it in a way that is honest and true.<P>I know that trust will be a big issue following disclosure, but I think that these threads will answer many of his questions and provide a level of trust in you he ordinarily not have at this point. He will also see other peoples concerns for you and him. Some of the concerns include abuse of you. This may help temper his reaction to this news.<P>I don't know that I am right here but I hope you consider this as a possible way to help your H and allow him to see your true feelings over considerable time as opposed to just what you are saying to his face at the moment.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL

JL,<BR>That is a very good suggestion. I'm crossing my fingers for Jill and her H.<P>