The last two weeks have been a total nightmare. Last week I dropped my 2 kids off at my H work to get my hair done. When I was done there was a note on my car. It said that I needed to know what my H was up to and that he was having an affair in his office and that it was making a fool out of me and the kids by bringing them in the office. It also said that if I don't believe it ask his boss they know whats up. <P>The boss knows nothing, my H denies it all, The letter ended good luck you deserve better.not signed.<P>The sickest part of all of this is no one knew where I was going. Someone had to have followed me. Knew I had dropped the kids off at the office. The had writing does not match anyone in his office?<P>My H works all the time. He goes out alot after work with the office. Doesn't return my calls right away. Has his friends call to see if I am mad. <P>He denies everything, I let him back home after 3 days out. We want to work things out. I don't know if I can just ignore what has happened. He keeps saying what if I get another letter, what if he gets a letter saying I'm having an affair? I am utterly crushed, I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything, I cant' sleep, I love him to death one minute the next I can hardly look at him. I don't want him to touch me.<P>Help<BR>camjon

hmmm, VERY intresting. <P>Maybe if there is an affair,( and most won't admit there is or was untill confronted with proof. Some not even then.) it is the ow trying to push the matter into the open.<P>Or maybe it is someone who wants him but needs you out of the way , so they figure you will leave him for good if they convince you he's having an affair.<P>Or sadly, maybe it's someone who knows whats happening and thinks you have a right to know.<P>Some friends will lie to cover for their friends, so will some co-workers.<P>Start watching for signs, tell him that if you discover later that he is lying to you about this it will only make it harder to rebuild any trust. <P>And the next time you have to go where the note was left, leve one on your windshield yourself, address it to "The person who left a note on my windshield last time ".<P>Just tell them to give you proof or stop making trouble.<P>Just my 2 cents <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

A similar thing happened to me, except it was a phone call. I kept getting "unknown area" calls and they would hang up. Finally he spoke to me and said "do you want to know what's going on with your husband". Of course I said yes. It was the OW's husband who told me. We were already separated at this point, but for totally different reasons. <P>Look for more signs of infidelity. I don't want to hurt you even more, but according to what you've described, it looks like he could be involved in an affair. The going out after work and having his friends check on you would make me think he was hiding something. My husband did a lot of the same things. So called "working late", going to bars after work with "the guys", getting drunk somewhere and would not tell me where he'd been (he had been at OW's house), if I paged him it would be 2 or 3 hours before he would call me back, then it would be when he was in his truck on his way home. Obviously he was hiding something.... it was his other life that he was hiding. <P>I'll pray that you are able to work though this. Since your husband seems to want to work on your marriage, that's a good sign. Mine didn't then, but does now. Good luck to you. I'll pray for you.

Back to the top, for more input.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

It is also possible that a woman has been pursuing your H and has not been successful. For many it is the game and the thrill of ruining a marriage, not the actual affair that counts.<P>Is your H cooperating with you or is he defensive? Ask him to help you figure this out, look for signs as said above, but maybe a little benefit of the doubt will open him up if he is innocent or increase his guilt to the point of coming clean if he is guilty.

I think Deb has the best take on the note. My guess too, after reading your post, was that the OW left the note, maybe because she was ticked off at your H (or who knows why?) Otherwise, why not provide more solid info, such as the OW's ID? Hate to say it, though, but with all those nights out, it sure sounds like your H is up to something. And keep in mind the fact that his denials of an affair don't mean that he's not having an affair! Don't know if I'd try leaving a note on your windshield though. Anybody could read it. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

The one point in the note that interests me is that it says you are "making a fool" of yourself by coming to the office.<P>How strange. It almost sounds like whoever wrote the note, must come from the office or at least be very connected to someone in the office. But what is stranger is the perspective you are making a fool out of yourself. It almost sounds like someone doesn't want to see you or is trying to chase you away rather than someone just trying to give you a unsigned "heads up".<P>Boss may not want to be involved, a betrayer almost always denies anyway, but it could be someone actively working on your H or a warped person getting some kind of revenge.<P>Sorry for you to be going through this. It is a nightmare. I hope you can get to the bottem of this!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Time to play detective.<P>Radio Shack sells an automatic phone number logger. You can put it onto your phone and capture only the outbound numbers dialed (not voices). <P>Cell phones typically log the last ten numbers called. Check with the cellular carrier on how to review the info. Cell bills are also good for this.<P>You can do reverse number searches on infoseek.com.<P>Have a friend verify where your husband is.<P>Trust your instincts. <P>I am in the midst of the most bizarre situation I ever may encounter in my life. My wife denies, denies, denies. She is not the person I married and is addicted to a third party. <P>Paul<P>When people get into affairs they are 100% different people and lying becomes second nature.

PM987 - Man, you have made my day with that info on the RS phone number logger. I did not know they had those suckers! (And thought I knew all about this phone stuff.) I'm definitely gettin' me one or more of them. (We have three phones.) Presumbaly, they also work if the number called is itself a cell phone, as I think her OM's phone is, cuz it doesn't show up on our bills (Usually billing is TO the CP, right? So if my W calls OM on HIS CP from our house, it won't show up on our bill?) In fact, I'm going over there right now and look at this device. With your W's continued denials, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I like your comment to Paul too. 100% true! R & B,<P>--Wex

Thank you all for your reply. It helps when you thing no one understands and then there is you guys. Thanks alot. <P>I was up until 2:30am this morning because I could not sleep. My H doesn't understand why I can't sleep. He acts like there is nothing wrong. Yes I want to get to the bottom of this, but it means not sweeping it under a rug and trying to act like nothing ever happened. Thats the way he acts and talks to me. <BR> We no longer wear wedding rings. I took mine off and I took his off also and cut it up with a wire cutter the night I recieved the letter. Ummmmm.... yes a little irrational!!!!!!ok alot. I don't think things will ever be the same between us. We have two wonderful children. We had our first at the age 19 and got married. I thought that was suppose to be the hardest times. We have been married seven years now and also have a 1 year old this time totally planned. honestly my kids are what is keeping me going they are my pride and joy and I would give up almost anything for them. gotta go child is getting into everything!!!!!!!\<BR>camjon

Wex: Email me about this matter.<P>pmoyers2@mindspring.com

Hi,<P>Trust your instincts. <P>All those night out, paging and they call back hours later etc are not good signs.<P>I was the worst. I let it go on for yeaaaars.(See my profile) I was too trusting and just stuck my head under the rug. <P>I believe that my anonymous informant was ow. She was tired of his games and wanted him to make a decision. He of course says she would never do that. <P>Keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your instincts. <P>Buy the books recommended on this site. Do a book search, there are many that are helpful beside Dr. Harley's.<P>You are in for the longest, bumpiest, miserable time of your life. I've been there and still am. <P>When I got posts like this I would go into denial. This person is wrong. My h would never do that. Well, my h, who I love very much, is almost a textbook case. The few people that know what is and has been going on are stunned. He is the coach of my childrens hockey and baseball teams, involved in cub scouts etc. He is a model father. He even loves me. He just screwed up and can't get himself out of the hole he's dug.<P>My advice: Don't stick your head in the sand like I did. Find out the truth now however you have to. I think my h is having a harder time now because it went on so long. <P>Sorry to share bad news but I've been through this and am still going through it. Click on the sunglasses to see my history.<P>Good Luck<P>Chris<BR>

I recently trolled the web for insight into OW's perspective as my husband is definitely with one. On one site, probably, The Other Woman, there was a discussion about leting the wife know to get movement toward the OW getting the hubby for herself. That is quite possible in your situation. Who could have known the kids wereat the office. But as another post said it could be OW's husband although he might not have knwn where you expected. However, if there is another OW, her husband could well be quite inerested in you as you are the one person most connected to thier position. they could have simply known your car and your H's work location. I sound like a major pessimist. But, knowing what I do now, I'd be checking for signs of infidelity. I had them all over place but was explaining them away. Plus, his freinds calling you. One last piece of unsolicited advice. Don't confront until you either have more or can no longer stand it. Many men having affairs will go out of character and lie through their teeth unless they have no choice but to recognize you know, and then some will still try to lie. Good luck.<P>Melissa<BR>

I am definatly in denial. Things around her seem normal. Since this all happened and we talked, everything has gone back to normal, (on the outside) he does'nt seem to realize how much this hurts. We have even had sex. Probably a big mistake. I don't want to believe this all might be true. I want to believe this is someone trying to play games with us. But who? Why? Why would anyone want to destroy a family like this. I am soooooo angry angry angry hurt hurt hurt. I feel like this is a nightmare. I want to wake up. I can't sleep. I went shopping at toys r us tonight and just got home. I am so glad I have somewhere to go to talk with people who understand what I am going through. But the responses are not what I want to hear. Not your fault, just me not wanting to accept things the way they are, the way they could be forever. I am worried that if this does not work out I don't know what I am going to do. After our second child I quit work to stay home with the kids. It took me a while to get used to not working. I have been home for a year and it has been wonderful. I feel trapped I guess thats what I am trying to say. I feel bitter, cold. He did suggest going to couseling we start next Tuesday. I'm scared I don't know why. Help! and pray for us!<BR>camjon